Ladies, I need your help!

smalfrie19 · May 2013

I have a friend, lets call her Kay. Well Kay is married and has a 6 month old baby. She has very strict ideas of what she wants in this world. For example, she absolutely wants two children. Her husband on the other hand, never wanted children at all, but their lovely baby girl was an accident and he has accepted her and loves her with all of his heart. Now she has brought to me the idea of divorce (they have been married just over a year) because he has told her adamantly that he wants no more children.

Background: He works about 60 - 70 hr weeks, she stays at home with the baby. They are both 22.

Both of them are very good friends ( I have known her husband for 11 years). Now she is talking about going out of state with the baby. I don't know what else to say to her. I just need to get this out to strangers. Hope you guys understand.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Kids are a HUGE deal in marriages. I would even say a deal breaker. I'm sorry you're having to go through this even second-hand, it's always heartbreaking.

The worst part is that it's always the kids who get the raw deal.

smalfrie19 · May 2013

Its just frustrating because she is talking about taking the baby out of state and I don't want her to get in any trouble with the law. I mean if its that important to her then of course I will support her in her separation. But I just don't know what she wants me to say.

ETA: Clarity.

smalfrie19 · May 2013

@stagemanager14 Well that's just it, they got married initially because she had gotten pregnant, and then she miscarried.

Its just all one big clusterfuck and all I have to say on the subject is RAHHHHH!!!

Does anybody have a GIF?!

smalfrie19 · May 2013

this.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

smalfrie19 · May 2013

That works too pele!

Simply Fated · May 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

Kids are a HUGE deal in marriages. I would even say a deal breaker. I'm sorry you're having to go through this even second-hand, it's always heartbreaking.

The worst part is that it's always the kids who get the raw deal.

Yup yup.. It's one, if not the main reason my friend is divorced. Or she's getting one... I'm not sure of her current status. Anyway, she never wanted kids. He did. He thought she'd change her mind. She didn't.
It's really awful for everyone involved.

OP, I really hope everything works out for your friend and her baby!

smalfrie19 · May 2013

EllaYoung said:

@stagemanager14 Well that's just it, they got married initially because she had gotten pregnant, and then she miscarried.

Its just all one big clusterfuck and all I have to say on the subject is RAHHHHH!!!

Does anybody have a GIF?!
@smallfrie19 This is a hard lesson that many people learn the hard way: situations do not make marriages.

Its just so incredibly hard because they are both my friend!

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

Oh, I'm so sorry for you! This sucks! I think you sit her down and have a serious heart-to-heart with her and say, 'if this is what you want, that's fine, but realise you may not get what you want.'

She needs to realise she can't just take the baby out of state and have there be no consequences. Nor can she take the baby out of state and expect her husband to pay child support with no contact.

She may want two kids and a specific life, but you play the hand you're dealt, not the hand you wish you had.

r&c14 · May 2013

My FI brother was in a three year battle with his ex, but they weren't married. She planned to move out of state, posted it on Myspace(when it was the popular social media site) and had I not seen it we would have never known. I almost think she stayed friends with me to rub that in our faces. He went to the courthouse and she was served papers and she still left. When they finally got in front of the judge he didn't make her move back, but he finally got visitation and he's paying child support. I also want to mention in this 3 years her new husband filed to adopt FBIL's daughter in Arkansas(where they live) and Missouri(where we all live). Of course that looked very bad on their part when the judge over the case got word of this because we all had been actively looking for her. It was a huge mess.

The reason why I say this is because it hurt all of us! I know it's hard to say anything to friends and I'm not telling you to go tattle on her, but I would definitely try to sit down with her and try to get across to her that just because she's having issues with her husband now, the last thing she will want to do is take that baby away from him. FBIL's daughter is very angry at her mother now that she understands what happened. I hope the best for your friends!!

ETA: grammar

s-aries8990 · May 2013

@smallfrie19 - I'd just be her friend, let her vent, and ask her to think of the best interests of the child she does have now. Whisking a kid away in the middle of the night could be traumatizing and seriously mentally scar her daughter. She is not wrong in wanting divorce and to be the custodial parent (especially with the number of hours he works), BUT trying to burn him now could result in her burning her relationship with her daughter when she grows up.

Tell her to sleep on it a few nights. Good luck!

ETA: By custodial parent I mean have the majority of custody with him to have some visitation rights ie. pre-determined weekends/holidays etc.

glitterunicorn13 · May 2013

It might help to remind her that sudden and possibly traumatizing actions COULD actually work against her in obtaining custodial parent status in court in the case of a divorce. Peace to you, I know it is hard.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I heavily suggest counseling and contraception. She's very young to have had 2 pregnancies and should not be thinking of a third right now when she's not particularly happy with the marriage.

If the only reason they got married in the first place was because of a pregnancy, then perhaps they shouldn't be married.

A therapist will help them evaluate their situation.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I'm interested in knowing the qualities and stability of the relationship otherwise. I know people who have worked out the question of children (and the number of them) through the strength of their relationship and value to each other and their family.

Is her desire to want more children stronger than her desire to keep her family together?
Is his desire to keep his family the size it is currently stronger than his desire to keep his family together? I

have so many examples going in different directions on this coming to mind. One of my closest friends in the world didn't want kids which is why I wasn't interested in him romantically, but I know he would've had them if that meant he could be with me. I didn't feel comfortable accepting that.

One of our groomsmen had his baby early 20s. His now wife didn't want more and they agreed to wait until they were in a better place financially to make further decisions about it. Now that they are in a good place, they've mutually decided they are happy with how their family is.

I have friends who found out they can't get pregnant easily or at all and have come up with solutions to that and grown stronger as a couple, and I know one person who left her husband because he can't biologically father a child.

If they don't get counseling together, I still assert that counseling is good for them individually so that she can address her priorities and needs with the help of someone who has perspective.

smalfrie19 · May 2013

Muppet, he is the kind of guy that if you push on something he is going to shut down and go the oppostie way. And she is pushing. I have tried to put in in perspective is another child worth a stable home with the father of your current child. He provides everything for her and the baby and adores them both but she thinks because he doesnt vocalize his love that he "he doesnt love her". Which is bull. thats just not the kind of guy he is. its just so frustrating because I think she is being cray cray but she is my friend and I can't really say that to her. She is the kind of girl who wants what she wants and nobody can tell her otherwise.

Ladies, I need your help!

Re: Ladies, I need your help!

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