18 year old and SO

MuppetFan · May 2013

My first cousin is 18 and graduating high school next month. He hasn't any SO's for more than a few months here and there (he admits to being a player) and will be newly in college by my wedding in Oct. Since Christmas, he's dated 5 different girls. He always has another lined up when the current one fails.

Do I treat the flavor of the month as being his SO and invite her? Invite him with plus one? Or am I obligated to invite him with anyone?

fionahalliwell · May 2013

My guess is that my opinion will be unpopular, but I really don't think that it's necessary to invite him with a specific girl's name. If you have the room and the willingness to give him a +1, go for it, but I know a lot of guys like that (actually, many guys I know in college are like that) and I can actually imagine some of the guys I know literally running into a dorm common room and saying, "ok, which of you wants to come to this wedding?"

Plus, if he and his family are traveling (air travel or car travel), it may be a huge pain for them to bring another person who isn't necessarily a significant part of their lives.

I know 18-year-olds are adults, but they're really only on the cusp of adulthood. I would absolutely invite everyone who is 18 with an actual SO (I mean, you can tell when they're a couple vs. a fling. It's not about time at all. It's about behavior). If a +1 was an option, I'd provide it. But if neither is an option, I can't imagine that my parents would complain. I think they'd see the whole thing as more of a burden, and if parental support is still a thing, he may not be able to bring a date, regardless of what you do.

tl;dr. I said this badly. I hope people get what I mean...my overall point is that 18 is an adult in the legal sense, but it's not like someone who turns 18 suddenly possesses magical abilities that change his personality from teenage player to adult.

MuppetFan · May 2013

@fionahalliwell

More Info: No travel really... He's going to college a few hours away and will prob come up for the weekend but would just stay at their house. There's no air fare or anything though.

We're paying for a wedding and though we have a limited amount of people we can afford, I could swing it. I'm trying to afford 8 more people from work but not sure that I can afford that many more (it's an all or nothing group). He would take from that, but he's priority on my list and I don't want to disrespect him. I'm just not sure that not inviting a plus one for him is disrespecting him or not.

Not sure if it matters but he's never brought a girlfriend to any family event, not to any holiday dinners or weddings or bbqs etc..

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

In general, I land on the side of inviting SOs, but I'm this case, I think you're safe not. He won't be hurt, and I agree with @fionahalliwell; he's a legal adult, but he's still essentially a kid and can be treated that way. Which maybe sounds judgemental and mean, which I don't at all mean. I just think you can get away with not inviting him with a +1, no harm no foul.

vk2204 · May 2013

If he is single when invitations go out, I would only list his name. I don't think it would be disrespectful to not give him a plus one.

AddieCake · May 2013

If he has a girlfriend at the time of the invitations, she should be invited. Are you giving other single people a +1? If so, he should get one, too, if he isn't dating anyone specific. If not, then don't worry about it.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I'm not giving any other single people a +1 right now, but he's the only one of 2 that is single.

Ok so I have a few options, I'll make a decision when it comes down to it. Thanks.

s-aries8990 · May 2013

I'd go with whoever his GF is at the time of sending invitations.

winelover123 · May 2013

When it's time for the invitations to go out, I'd just ask him for the name of his gf and invite her. Chances are he won't bring her to the wedding if he isn't serious about the relationship. Or you could just ask him if he'd prefer to be invited solo or with gf, if you're close enough to him.

ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful · May 2013

I could go either way with this. He's an 18 year old guy, he probably wouldn't be offended either way. Since he is in college though as opposed to a 18 year old still in high school, if he is dating someone though I would ask her name and put that on the invitation. If he goes through girls pretty quickly and is dating someone else by the time of the wedding maybe he won't bring the new girl since the invitation was specific, as opposed to "and guest," or he will invite someone new after sending a RSVP for him and the original girl and they can awkwardly smile at each other when she sees another girl's name on the place card.

bbbb78 · May 2013

I'm just chuckling at the hypothetical possibility of a new member in the NEY section if/when the flavor of the week he invites goes wedding crazy prompted by the "too serious too fast" move of inviting her to your wedding.

KDM323 · May 2013

Are there any other individuals his age invited to the wedding? I ask because if there are...and he doesn't have a girlfriend at the time of inviting, I wouldn't feel obligated to give him a +1. If he would be the only person in his age range at the wedding/reception, then I'd be more apt to give him a +1 even if he is truly single.

MuppetFan · May 2013

@bbbb78 what if she catches the bouquet??? lol

@drexelkathy No. The closest to his age would be his sister at 23 who will be in Italy..and then my cousin at 25 who won't have a +1. He's the youngest in my family on that side.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I haven't judged anything. I asked what is appropriate.

MuppetFan · May 2013

Because this is the point in time in my own wedding where I've gotten to the invitations, i had the question, and I can't recall a post that I've read addressing where someone is changing SOs on a regular basis .

TiaTea · May 2013

"Do I treat the flavor of the month as being his SO and invite her? Invite him with plus one? Or am I obligated to invite him with anyone?"

" If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships, you might want to consider inviting their partners....Then, invite your more single friends and relatives without dates rather than crossing them off..."
Ask Carley Q+A > Guests + Guest List
http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/wedding-guest-list-advice/qa/allowing-single-guests-to-bring-date.aspx

TiaTea · May 2013

@StageManager14
"it is well known that Carley gives horrible advice"

Seriously?

"Carley Roney is the co-founder and Editor In Chief of The Knot. Before starting The Knot, Carley served as president of RunTime Co., Ltd., and before that, Carley is a creative director and editor, her clients include the National Museum of American History, The McGraw-Hill Companies, and Simon & Schuster. Carley also holds a Master of Fine Arts of Cultural Studies at New York University.
Carley is often invited to deliver speeches in a number of industry events, and is the frequent guest of the American television program, including Oprah Winfrey's talk shows, ABC's "The View", NBC "The Today Show" and CBS's "The Early Show" . She is contributor to a bunch of leading publications in USA, such as the "New York Times", "Wall Street Journal," "USA Today", "Glamour", "Vogue", "Elle" and "Self" and so on. Her popular column "Ask Carley" is published by over 70 newspapers under the Scripps Howard News Service agencies at the same time."

Why wouldn't I trust someone with such a vast experience?

What are your credentials? What makes you a better expert?

Besides , you are in the TK forum. If you don't like the advice that the TK editor in Chief is giving, why aren't you at another forum/website that gives a better advice?

FizzySips · May 2013

@TiaTea: Just because she has vast experience spouting advice doesn't mean all of her advice is good.

TiaTea · May 2013

@Rachaellennon " Just because she has vast experience spouting advice doesn't mean all of her advice is good."
No. It's exacly the other way around. She has the vast experience , because she gives a good advice.

@StageManager14 "I'm sorry, but I'm confused. Which of those "credentials" qualify her as an expert on human behavior or social graces?"

Education and experience, respect from the media and the public.

Besides, you didn't answer the question what makes YOU a better expert.
You recently wrote that Dear Abby gives bad advice on the same subject. Now Ask Carley gives a bad advice, saying the same. Miss Manners have the same advice , by the way. And yet you believe that yours is better.

Your opinion on one side, three renown experts on the other , everybody has the right to decide for himself.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

TiaTea said:

@Rachaellennon " Just because she has vast experience spouting advice doesn't mean all of her advice is good."
No. It's exacly the other way around. She has the vast experience , because she gives a good advice.

@StageManager14 "I'm sorry, but I'm confused. Which of those "credentials" qualify her as an expert on human behavior or social graces?"

Education and experience, respect from the media and the public.

Besides, you didn't answer the question what makes YOU a better expert.
You recently wrote that Dear Abby gives bad advice on the same subject. Now Ask Carley gives a bad advice, saying the same. Miss Manners have the same advice , by the way. And yet you believe that yours is better.

Your opinion on one side, three renown experts on the other , everybody has the right to decide for himself.

If Carley is advocating "duties' for BM's and advocating for honeymoon funds, then she is giving bad advice.

KDM323 · May 2013

I'd give him a +1 based solely on the fact that he's the only person in his age range. But that's just me.

misshart00 · May 2013

If you don't want to invite SOs, fine. It's not really going to affect us. But when your good friend is hurt because her boyfriend isn't invited, make sure to tell her all the experts say its okay not to invite the boyfriend. I'm sure that'll make her feel a ton better.

lyndausvi · May 2013

While unpopular I think family dynamics also come into play.

I come from a huge extended family. We didn't get +plus unless were married, engaged, living together or going out for while. This "rule" (for a lack of a better term) wasn't a problem within the family. I was one of the youngest so it had been going on for so long it was just our normal. Honestly with our family being so big, so loud and nosey no one wanted to bring a random or recently started to date anyway Bringing a date would be WAY more uncomfortable with all the questions then attending alone.

DH's family lets everyone (even teens, kids) bring a date, friend, plus one, random for-hire, whatever.

For our wedding we gave all singles a +plus one. My family didn't take us up on the offer. Again, bringing a date to a family wedding isn't worth it us. Besides there are so many of us that don't live near each other anymore we like to just hang out and not have to "entertain" anyone. DH's side all brought random dates.

NBD to us either way.

LavenderHoneyBee · May 2013

In my opinion? Hells to the no. He's 18, he's still practically a kid in the sense that he'll be just on his own for the first time. At 18 I would have never expected a plus one. I wouldn't even send him his own invite, but instead include him on his families invite.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I'm not sure he'd notice not having his own invite, but I would have at 18. Someone did that to me in my 19 and not living at home. I'm not looking to knock his adulthood down at my wedding.

Come invite time, I'll figure if he's plus gf or plus one.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

@NYUgirl100 seriously stop it with the "Knot board" bullcrap. It is not just a "knot board" rule but a rule that I grew up with my entire life. I didn't start lurking on these boards until after my wedding was over with and I made sure to invite every SO no matter their relationship status.

Etiquette books are not the end all be all and sometimes common sense and courtesy should come into place.

As far as the 18 year old. He is an adult and should be treated as such. Meaning separate invite and the inclusion of his SO if he has one at the time invites go out. When you were 18 @LavenderHoneyBee did you want to be treated as an adult and no longer as a child?

itzMS · May 2013

@lavenderhoneybee Yeah...tell that to all the ladies who married the man they were dating at age 18.

@nyugirl100 Every social event since I was 16 and dating, I was invited with my boyfriend and vice versa. Being polite and recoginzing social units never goes out of style.

winelover123 · May 2013

I was invited to my FBIL's wedding as FI's date, despite the fact that I was "just" his GF. We just dated for 3 months before we became exclusive and were quite serious from the start. I was 18 when I was invited to that wedding. Just sayin' you never know.

I'd still just ask the 18 year old if he wants his gf invited or not (if you're close to him). He may say no because he doesn't want any pressure to move the relationship into serious realms, or he might take you up on the offer. If you're not that close, just ask the name of the gf and if they break up after invitations go out, then that's that.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

18 y/o cousin + 1 = happy family and happy relatives. If he doesn't have a steady girlfriend, I think it's fine to put "cousin and guest" on his separate invitation. He can bring someone if he wants, but I doubt he'll bring one if he's a "flavor of the week" kind of guy.

Sidebar: I don't understand some people's aversion to sending separate invitations anyway - it's not that much more expensive, it's the right thing to do and it's a really nice "welcome to adulthood" if they're on the cusp. Why wouldn't you? I felt really cool when I got my first personally addressed wedding invitation. Spread the love.

Kate61487 · May 2013

H and I started dating at 19 so I'm onboard with the whole 'just b/c he's 18 doesn't mean it won't be serious' vibe. But we were also attending family picnics, b-day parties, bbqs, holidays, etc. together. If he hasn't brought a girl home to meet the parents, or even hinted that he'd like to if the timing works out then I don't think he'd even want to bring a date to the wedding. I'd just text him right before invites go out with a "Hey is there a girl you'd like to have invited to the wedding?" if he's casually dating someone, but doesn't feel the need to bring her it's better to leave her off.

fionahalliwell · May 2013

So, basically, we violated a bunch of etiquette rules with my fourth cousin's daughter. I guess she turned 18 at some point, so she should have gotten her own invitation. And she has a boyfriend, but they both live across the country. She's met my cousin (the bride), like, twice, though. And I'm sure that none of us ever thought twice about sending her an invite with her boyfriend's name on it, too (especially because we really aren't sure how her family feels about the BF, and face it: at just 18, what her parents think does matter).

I totally agree with the SO thing, but I don't necessarily feel that muppet's question was judgey.

18 year old and SO

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