Wedding shower - guests invited to contribute to larger gift?

jaenella · May 2013

I was talking with the host of my bridal shower on the weekend. She mentioned that the hosts plan to note on the invitation that guests are invited to chip in $10, $15 or $20 or whatever they can afford towards a larger gift (i.e. a set of pots and pans), if they would like to do so. I recognize that I have no say over shower invitations and what the hosts choose to do, but I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with the idea, etiquette-wise, and wanted to see what you all thought.

I think my objections are:

1) How do guests give the hosts the cash they are contributing? Just hand it to them when they come in the door?

2) What if people don't bring money they said they would? Are the hosts then out the cash, or do they have to chase the guests down after the fact?

3) I know a shower is a gift-giving event, but it makes me uncomfortable to list cash values on an invitation... kind of like a solicitation for money.

What do you think? Is it worth raising my concerns with the hosts, or am I overthinking this?

itzMS · May 2013

Yeah, that's weird. Personally, I'd ask her not to do that.

Guests know how to combine on a gift on their own if they want to.

Ultimately, though, it reflects poorly on her not you. If I got that in an invitation, I'd ignore it and buy my own gift anyways.

radleyboo · May 2013

I've never had an invitation that asked for this. It's happened in an office environment where we all pooled money for something, or like the PP said, within family circles, but never directly from the host. I'd probably do the same as itzMS, ignore and buy my own gift. I'm weird, I enjoy perusing registries and buying wedding and shower gifts. It's fun to see what the couple registered for.

musicalcanadianbride · May 2013

This is what is happening for my church-like (it's a a Scottish organization) shower, because most of the ladies attending are over 70 and can't get out to shop. But the host ran it by everyone before printing invitations.

daria24 · May 2013

If this were a work shower, it wouldn't bother me. My office always just sends out the announcement that there will be a shower, and X person is collecting money for a group gift. And then you don't purchase a separate gift.

However, for family and friends, that's not cool. It seems to imply that ON TOP of the gift you are already purchasing, you should contribute cash to a group gift. I would say something to the hosts.

annmarie714 · May 2013

While I usually say don't interfere with the host planning the shower, I think this is an exception. Asking someone (or as your OP sounds, the invites would basically be saying "You have to contribute $15 to go towards @jaenella's pots and pans!") to go towards a gift when they are already purchasing another gift is rude. If I received that invitation, I'd side eye the bride a bit wondering if she had anything to do with it. Since you're not comfortable with it, request she doesn't do this.

ceceibson · May 2013

When I got married the first time, back in 1993, some friends of my parents threw a couples' shower for us and did this. Guests sent checks in ahead of time, I assume. They bought us a gas grill. The next day, the hostess called to tell me who amongst the guests had not contributed to the group gift. So that I wouldn't waste my time writing them a thank you note.

I still cringe when I think about the whole thing. Themed showers are one thing. Telling people how to spend their money is another thing entirely.

jaenella · May 2013

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I think the intent was to reduce the cost for guests, so they would be contributing to group gift instead of doing an individual gift, not in addition to it - but I agree that the wording is confusing.

Glad to hear others are uncomfortable with this idea too - I think I'll ask the host if it is possible for that wording to be taken out.

itzMS · May 2013

jaenella said:

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I think the intent was to reduce the cost for guests, so they would be contributing to group gift instead of doing an individual gift, not in addition to it - but I agree that the wording is confusing.

Glad to hear others are uncomfortable with this idea too - I think I'll ask the host if it is possible for that wording to be taken out.

If a guest feels they can't afford to go to a shower, they will decline the invitation. Simple as that.

So basically, contribuiting to the group gift would be for all of the "cheap" people and purchasing you a separate gift is for all of the rich people? :-) haha I'm laughing as I type this...it just makes no sense! Good for you for standing up to this.

Simply Fated · May 2013

I'm concerned with the logistics of it. What if she gets TOO much money towards the gift? Does the money go back to the guest or towards something the guest didn't intend to give?
I think putting in for a large gift is great, but not something to put on invitations, ya know?

jaenella · May 2013

itzMS - I agree it doesn't make any sense! I think it's coming from a good place but I just don't quite get her reasoning.

Simply - no idea about the logistics, but those are some good extra questions to raise with her.

I think I'll gently suggest they leave it off the invitations, and then if they want to do this big gift, they can verbally check with family to see if they'd like in on it.

Thanks, everyone!

KDM323 · May 2013

Yeah - the only time I've ever seen anything like this was an informal "work" shower where the "organizer" collects money for the group to go in on one big gift, etc.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

You're right, they are throwing the shower for you, so your input is inappropriate in most cases. However, here it's the lesser of two inappropriate evils, so you'd be right to bring it to their attention that it makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to show them this thread or tell them how tacky it is (and it is), you could simply say you'd rather have only your registries posted on the invites.

bbbb78 · May 2013

I feel like all the concerns you note are totally valid.

The only way this method could work for me would be with a lot of hardcore internet help. Perhaps if details on a website allowed you to use paypal or some form of crowdfunding platform to contribute to an item and then the registered item would be "closed" once it was paid for.

It doesn't sound like this is what is going on though and you're still left with the conundrum of what do you do with the money for items that didn't get bought in full?

tinambride · May 2013

I'm guessing the idea is to have everyone chip in for one "significant" gift so that you don't get a handful of less useful items. How many people are invited to the shower? Do they all know each other? If it's an informal group of friends chipping in to by you something substantial I can see how this would work. If your friends are not close with each other it makes things less appropriate. I really think it comes down to who your group of friends are. For one friend, a bunch of us chipped in for a kayak. That was something none of us could have afforded alone and it was something we all knew the couple wanted and could enjoy. In this situation I really think the idea worked.

erinlin25 · May 2013

I went to FI's cousins baby shower and on the invite it said where she was registered or if anyone was interested in going in on a larger gift to contact the host. I did not find it odd, and choose to go in on the bigger gift.

misssunshine17 · May 2013

I would seriously side eye this chipping in idea. I'd probably decline the whole shower if I got an invite with that on it.

Wedding shower - guests invited to contribute to larger gift?

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