NER - Wedding Blues...? Sort Of?

[Deleted User] · May 2013

So. For the last 3 or 4 weeks I've just woken up every day feeling very sad.

I was diagnosed with dysthymia, which is long-term to lifelong depression. However, if you go 6-9 months without symptoms, they consider it gone, and started running and eating well and met FI and saw a therapist, and I haven't suffered symptoms in a long, long time (about 4-5 years). I'm wondering if it's "back," or if this is normal?

I've been with FI for almost 7 years, and this wedding has been being planned for about 20 months. All the planning is really done. I'm just sitting and waiting. And I'm certainly not sad to marry him. If anything, I want that part to hurry. I don't know if it's some of the people who aren't coming when they promised (but, I can realistically say, in my head, that people don't prioritize other people's weddings, and things happen, and hey, at least I know who thinks I'm important and who doesn't (this pertains to a few family members), and it seems like a load off of my shoulders), or the fact that I'm just sad my dad won't be there (he died last February), or if I'm sad that this will ALL be over in a week and a half...and then what?! There have also been pretty stressful interactions with a certain person, but I can normally brush that off.

I don't know. I'm VERY excited. But I'm also sort of sad. People at work have noticed that I've been quiet (that is rare) and have commented (nothing mean--just "are you ok"). I'm worried people are going to think I have cold feet or something.

MuppetFan · May 2013

Domino, I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. I think everyone has "blue" periods and this is certainly a stressful time for you. I would definitely be very emotional if my father was gone. So while this could be normal, I understand your concern considering your history with depression. How long have you felt like this?

I will say that when people at work started to tell me that I was different... that was kind of a red flag to me. I knew I felt down, but I didn't realize it was so obvious to other people. I've only had some short bouts of real depression so I'm no expert here but with my experience dealing with therapists with my anxiety issues...I can only say that I'm a huge fan of them. I don't think it would be a bad thing to speak to one even if it's for a few times. If you are having a problem, you can keep it in check. Otherwise, you can get through this time with some help too.

<hug> I hope you feel better.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

MuppetFan said:

Domino, I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. I think everyone has "blue" periods and this is certainly a stressful time for you. I would definitely be very emotional if my father was gone. So while this could be normal, I understand your concern considering your history with depression. How long have you felt like this?

I will say that when people at work started to tell me that I was different... that was kind of a red flag to me. I knew I felt down, but I didn't realize it was so obvious to other people. I've only had some short bouts of real depression so I'm no expert here but with my experience dealing with therapists with my anxiety issues...I can only say that I'm a huge fan of them. I don't think it would be a bad thing to speak to one even if it's for a few times. If you are having a problem, you can keep it in check. Otherwise, you can get through this time with some help too.

<hug> I hope you feel better.

Thanks. I appreciate your response. I'm definitely open to finding a therapist and going for a few sessions to get back on track after the wedding. I'm anticipating feeling a little sad once it's all over. But, then again, I'm looking forward to just spending weekends doing nothing, too. So, we'll see.

I just feel sort of BLAH.

MuppetFan · May 2013

Might be worth finding seeing if you get in for a quick session before the wedding? You're so close though, I know that sounds like a lot too.

Do you think talking to your mother or a family member about your father's absence will help?

How can we best support you here?

Also, my assistant says that kittens lessen any sadness. As a puppy person, I disagree but I will give you a kitty in case he makes you smile

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I'm actually wondering if once I get past this week, things will start to feel more fun. This is my last week of work (I work M-Th, 10-hour days, so just two more to go), and I have a huge case of the effits.

I'm going to guess that I can't get into see someone before the wedding, but maybe calling tomorrow to set up an appointment for AFTER might make me feel like I have a plan in place? I might do that.

You can best support me here by posting MOAR CATS. Your assistant is wise.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

I agree with seeing a therapist given your past history, but also try to not pressure yourself too much. I'm a very introverted person, and party planning took A LOT out of me. The whole guest list thing had me depressed and questioning if I wanted anything to do with the families at all.

Not everyone is a natural at planning big events, the honeymoon was a BIG help for me to recharge mentally.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

I agree with seeing a therapist given your past history, but also try to not pressure yourself too much. I'm a very introverted person, and party planning took A LOT out of me. The whole guest list thing had me depressed and questioning if I wanted anything to do with the families at all.

Not everyone is a natural at planning big events, the honeymoon was a BIG help for me to recharge mentally.

The bolded I think is what started this. Like, I have ONE surviving uncle out of three. He's not coming. No reason. And he doesn't have to give me a reason. But. I was sort of sad. We're not close. So that's fine. I know it's fine. But. Still. AND, neither of his kids are coming. So. NONE of my three cousins are coming. We're not close, but at my dad's funeral, they promised they'd be here. And, life happens. It's fine. But. I sort of know that after the wedding, I'll just distance myself. And I swear I wouldn't do it out of spite, exactly. Just. You know. I wasn't important enough, so I won't put them high on my list of priorities, either.

I struggle with that. I put other people's feelings ahead of mine. I've gone to weddings and parties and events that I really didn't want to go to when I wouldn't know anyone (even the bride/groom), or when I was sick or right after my dad died and I just wanted to lay in bed. I forced myself to do that. I just won't anymore, and on the one hand, I feel a little sad, but on the other, it really IS freeing.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Domino04 said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

I agree with seeing a therapist given your past history, but also try to not pressure yourself too much. I'm a very introverted person, and party planning took A LOT out of me. The whole guest list thing had me depressed and questioning if I wanted anything to do with the families at all.

Not everyone is a natural at planning big events, the honeymoon was a BIG help for me to recharge mentally.

The bolded I think is what started this. Like, I have ONE surviving uncle out of three. He's not coming. No reason. And he doesn't have to give me a reason. But. I was sort of sad. We're not close. So that's fine. I know it's fine. But. Still. AND, neither of his kids are coming. So. NONE of my three cousins are coming. We're not close, but at my dad's funeral, they promised they'd be here. And, life happens. It's fine. But. I sort of know that after the wedding, I'll just distance myself. And I swear I wouldn't do it out of spite, exactly. Just. You know. I wasn't important enough, so I won't put them high on my list of priorities, either.
I struggle with that. I put other people's feelings ahead of mine. I've gone to weddings and parties and events that I really didn't want to go to when I wouldn't know anyone (even the bride/groom), or when I was sick or right after my dad died and I just wanted to lay in bed. I forced myself to do that. I just won't anymore, and on the one hand, I feel a little sad, but on the other, it really IS freeing.

I hear you, it's hard to put your own needs first, and not feel guilty about it. But the more you practice, the better you get at saying 'no' to stuff that isn't good for you. A lot of my family was unable to make my wedding too, which as you say, is fine. But it is discouraging at the same time. You have a right to those feelings, just acknowledge them and move on. I tried to do that by focusing on things I LIKED about planning the wedding.

*hugs* I hope the wedding and honeymoon helps you get back on mental track. It's a serious emotional high.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Thanks @peledreamsofrain

And, you say it's a huge emotional high, and I've been all over the place there, too! Nearly ALL of my coworkers are coming (one who can't is WORKING that day, and the other's husband bought concert tickets without telling her about it). That feels nice! You know? So, I had a good cry about that part, too.

I'm VERY much looking forward to the honeymoon. SO SO much. FI and I have never been on a vacation. I run a lot of marathons/half marathons, so we go on a lot of quick trips for those, and we go to a lot of Virginia Tech games in football season, but not a real WEEK LONG VACATION. The other night I was Having A Sad, and I just said "I just want to be married," and he said "Me, too." And it felt good to know that soon, we would be, and we'd have some time to not even deal with this crap.

allispain · May 2013

@Domino04

I completely get where you're coming from regarding being upset and frustrated that people who said they were going to be at your wedding now aren't coming, and at feeling like you're low on other people's priority list so you just want to stop putting them so high on yours. I have several good friends who I told about the wedding date and location long before STDates were sent out, specifically because I knew that a) they live very far away and b) they would really want to be there but c) they may have to save up a little for the trip. All but one of them RSVPed that they couldn't come, either due to the distance or the cost. We spoke on the phone - they didn't just write that on the card - and they called me to apologize for missing it, and the rational part of me is trying to convince the rest of me that I shouldn't be sad, but I can't help being sad that these good friends, whom I love dearly, won't be there that day.

On the flip side, I have FI's father and stepmother, who never showed any interest in meeting me (or in really spending any time with him) prior to the engagement. They live an hour away. We were together for 3 years before he proposed. Yet FSMIL wants to be super involved with the wedding - after only meeting me once (they didn't come down for the holidays or for any other dinners, etc. when we've invited them, they haven't invited me to join them for anything since meeting for an hour-long lunch once last summer). Obviously getting to know me isn't a priority for them. I've been polite and accommodating as much as possible, but I certainly get frustrated and annoyed when she wants to get involved in things and she doesn't even know me. I'm not the priority, her love of weddings is. Argh.

So you are definitely not the only soon-to-be-bride who is feeling a bit down sometimes. Wedding planning can definitely take a toll sometimes. However, if it's a toll that you feel every day, then I agree with PPs that seeing someone about it professionally might be the best plan. I just wanted to ensure you weren't feeling totally alone/weird/out of place for having some of these feelings!

[Deleted User] · May 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

MuppetFan · May 2013

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ErinLK485 · May 2013

I'm not sure if pp's have mentioned this but there is book called "emotionally engaged" which deals with what you're describing. One of my friend's read it when she was feeling upset about the changing dynamics of her friendships and she said it really helped. It covers much more than that though. I haven't read it yet but I plan to!

NER - Wedding Blues...? Sort Of?

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