Should I leave him?

Trapped · May 2013

My husband has turned into a loser!

He can't hold a job! He has been fired from 3 jobs in the last year. He blames everyone else for his problems.

He used to be such a great person and I was so happy when we got married, but now I can't even look at him. I can't get him to help me with our child, even the simplest tasks like changing a diaper become a bitch and moan fest.

At this point I don't even think I want to try and make it work, but I feel bad for him and I feel like if I leave him he will be lost.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? Or is divorce my only option?

hmonkey · May 2013

what else have you tried, other than thinking about divorcing him? have you considering counseling?

baconsmom · May 2013

Can you get him to a doctor? He might be in the midst of a deep depression, and some counseling and/or medication could help.

There are a lot of steps between here and divorce.

dharmabunny · May 2013

baconsmom said:
Can you get him to a doctor? He might be in the midst of a deep depression, and some counseling and/or medication could help.

There are a lot of steps between here and divorce.

This. It kinda does sound like some serious depression going on. Especially when you use the term "used to be"

Oface4eva · May 2013

I'm with baconsmom. This sounds like something like depression or other issues.

If at some point he refuses help or counseling, THEN consider further options, but just nagging or telling him to do things isn't going to work (clearly).

Wzz · May 2013

maybe he needs to see a therapist, so he can get a 3rd party involved to evaluate his feelings.

GBCK · May 2013

I'm going w/ therapist too.

If either of you has an EAP through work, start there. call them. say what the problem is. they'll help you find help

Trapped · May 2013

At this point I feel like if we were to go to therapy, he would have to be the one to set up the appointment.

I am too busy and I am sick of having to deal with his issues.

baconsmom · May 2013

So, what, when you said "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" you were just crossing your fingers behind your back?

If my husband went through a change like this, I'd be worried for him, because sudden changes in behavior signal that something is wrong, not that he just woke up one morning and turned into a jerk.

But hey, if he did, I guess you guys are MFEO.

6fsn · May 2013

If he's in a depression he may not be able to see it. You have a life and a child with this man. Sometimes it takes more work than we thought. Make an apt for you and him separately.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

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Oface4eva · May 2013

Trapped, it sounds like you're at the end of your rope. But really, we aren't going to tell you to leave your husband because honestly it doesn't sound like what he's "done" warrants you leaving.

It does warrant him getting help, you standing by and being supportive and you being a friend. But if you're just not up for it, sure....

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

baconsmom said:

So, what, when you said "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" you were just crossing your fingers behind your back?

I really f*cking hate this tired cliche. You know, not everyone SAYS that in their marriage ceremony.

Dreamsofrain · May 2013

If TC said that he was abusive, I'm sure everyone here would say she should leave him. IMO if your husband is going to put you into financial ruin, you should leave now!

If you go to therapy you run the risk of being labeled as the cause for his problems and that will make him feel justified.

Have you told him your concerns?

GBCK · May 2013

Trapped said:

At this point I feel like if we were to go to therapy, he would have to be the one to set up the appointment. I am too busy and I am sick of having to deal with his issues.

So you've made up your mind, and you're asking this question here for no reason.

Leave already then, and quit wasting HIS time in your sham marriage.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2013

Also know that these things take time.

A friend's husband has been in a depression after being laid off for over two years. He just got a job and things seem to be getting back to normal, but it took a lot of time, patience and some tough love. I'm sure she thought of throwing in the towel, but she stuck it out and they seem to be in a better place.

VarunaTT · May 2013

Hm, I thought I posted.

Does your husband know what's going on with you? I'm not going to defend your husband, but I do know that it took my husband getting an ultimatum of "get yourself right or I'm walking". It doesn't make what I did right, but there was no other way of hammering through the depression that had cloaked him.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

VarunaTT said:

Hm, I thought I posted.
Does your husband know what's going on with you? I'm not going to defend your husband, but I do know that it took my husband getting an ultimatum of "get yourself right or I'm walking". It doesn't make what I did right, but there was no other way of hammering through the depression that had cloaked him.

YES. Being worried only lasts so long - depressed people are a real pain in the ass to deal with.

hmonkey · May 2013

do you want me to ask my bff knot jackie for permission for you to just leave?

GBCK said:

Trapped said:

At this point I feel like if we were to go to therapy, he would have to be the one to set up the appointment. I am too busy and I am sick of having to deal with his issues.

So you've made up your mind, and you're asking this question here for no reason.

Leave already then, and quit wasting HIS time in your sham marriage.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2013

Now I want to know what Kuus said in her vows?

hmonkey · May 2013

you know -- YOU KNOW -- it didn't end with "i do."

it was either "fine, okay" or "input accepted BEEP BOOP BEEP."

Oface4eva · May 2013

*cackling*

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

There were no vows!

radleyboo · May 2013

ReturnOfKuus said:
YES. Being worried only lasts so long - depressed people are a real pain in the ass to deal with.

This is horrible. Depression is a pervasive and serious disease that can ruin lives. Regardless of what your marriage ceremony looked/sounded/smelled like, marriage is a commitment to each other through lives ups and downs. The OP's husband sounds like he's clinically depressed and needs some professional help immediately. He's not lazy, abusive, or a sociopath, he's sick. Luckily depression can be overcome, and hopefully they can get their marriage and lives back on track if that's what they want.

I sincerely hope that nothing icky like a mental or other illness ever befalls your H, because your bedside manner is undoubtedly atrocious.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2013

VarunaTT · May 2013

It's not horrible. It's a very real feeling on the part of the person living with a person w/depression. We don't always all have likable feelings. Trust me, talking myself down with, "He's depressed and can't help it" didn't always work.

jojobrn · May 2013

radleyboo said:

ReturnOfKuus said:
YES. Being worried only lasts so long - depressed people are a real pain in the ass to deal with.

This is horrible. Depression is a pervasive and serious disease that can ruin lives. Regardless of what your marriage ceremony looked/sounded/smelled like, marriage is a commitment to each other through lives ups and downs. The OP's husband sounds like he's clinically depressed and needs some professional help immediately. He's not lazy, abusive, or a sociopath, he's sick. Luckily depression can be overcome, and hopefully they can get their marriage and lives back on track if that's what they want.

I sincerely hope that nothing icky like a mental or other illness ever befalls your H, because your bedside manner is undoubtedly atrocious.

Nope, pretty sure I was a pain in the ass with my depression. Didn't do a damn thing, my husband was working long hours on a big project and he was trying to pick up all the slack at home too. Just because he loves me doesn't mean there aren't times he doesn't like me much.

radleyboo · May 2013

I appreciate that, Varuna. For the record, I am completely familiar with dealing with individuals who suffer from depression. I'm just trying to make the point that if the OP's H had cancer or something, I don't think anyone would be describing her ailing husband as a 'pain in the ass'. We stick together through the ups and downs, because that's what marriage is. It's not always fun, pretty, or sexy. We choose our partners because they stand by us during the crappy times, and celebrate with us during the good times. Personally, I found that remark offensive. Not everyone has to agree with me.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

Yeah, really. One person's depression doesn't magically make his spouse stop being a human being with feelings and needs, and the fact that depressed people don't seem to get that at the time? Pain in the ass.

PMeg819 · May 2013

Yep, chiming in to add I was horrible. What wouldn't be horrible about coming home to a wife/gf/so who is incapable of getting out of bed, cries, is emotionally distant, etc.? It sucks. But when you love someone, you realize that you have to see beyond this very second and how they are. My DH knows that wasn't me. He helped me with doctor's appointments, asked if I'd taken my meds, reminded me of therapy appointments. When he was depressed I did the same. It sucked but we got through it.

OP's problem is that she wants her depressed DH to man up, change his ways, but not give the help and support he needs.

GBCK · May 2013

radleyboo said:

ReturnOfKuus said:
YES. Being worried only lasts so long - depressed people are a real pain in the ass to deal with.

This is horrible. Depression is a pervasive and serious disease that can ruin lives. Regardless of what your marriage ceremony looked/sounded/smelled like, marriage is a commitment to each other through lives ups and downs. The OP's husband sounds like he's clinically depressed and needs some professional help immediately. He's not lazy, abusive, or a sociopath, he's sick. Luckily depression can be overcome, and hopefully they can get their marriage and lives back on track if that's what they want.

I sincerely hope that nothing icky like a mental or other illness ever befalls your H, because your bedside manner is undoubtedly atrocious.

Uh...it's also true.

And it falls firmly into 'assholes get cancer too' category (meaning, some wonderful people deal w/ crap and depression and it makes them into temporary assholes. Some assholes get depression and it makes them into more of an asshole).

And there is a point where they do have to take some responsibility. Someone in the midst of mental illness can't do 100%--maybe not even 20%, but if they're content w/ the status quo, nothing the spouse can do will help them.

Depression gets old...for everybody involved. It's more draining on significant others and spouses than most people will recognize--because dealing w/ the crisis point is easy. It's 5 years after the crisis point, when the battle is still daily, that is hell.

Worth it? absolutely. But that doesn't change the fact that it's hell.

Should I leave him?

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