Should I leave him?

DixieNormous330 · May 2013

radleyboo said:

I appreciate that, Varuna. For the record, I am completely familiar with dealing with individuals who suffer from depression. I'm just trying to make the point that if the OP's H had cancer or something, I don't think anyone would be describing her ailing husband as a 'pain in the ass'. We stick together through the ups and downs, because that's what marriage is. It's not always fun, pretty, or sexy. We choose our partners because they stand by us during the crappy times, and celebrate with us during the good times. Personally, I found that remark offensive. Not everyone has to agree with me.

When my father had terminal liver disease we were distraught, angry, frustrated, and absolutely referred to the situation and him as "a pain in the ass." Because it was and he was. Disease (no matter what kind) is taxing on those caring for the person. Just as, if not more, on the person who is dealing with the issue.

Trapped · May 2013

Before this turns into a crazy debate about the validity of depression being as bad as cancer.

I have made an appointment with a couple's therapist. I do love him and I don't want to leave him if this marriage can be saved.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

Trapped said:

Before this turns into a crazy debate about the validity of depression being as bad as cancer. I have made an appointment with a couple's therapist. I do love him and I don't want to leave him if this marriage can be saved.

I kind of figured. It's just wearing on you, is all.

VarunaTT · May 2013

Good.

It's okay to be incredibly frustrated at times. It is wearing. I started going off and doing some things by myself finally. I'd go wander through the library or just the mall, to get away and take my mind off. You need to decompress too. I know it might be harder b/c of the kid, but it's important. Just stick her in the stroller or something and go for a walk in a park, by yourself.

hmonkey · May 2013

what kuus is saying is: data analyzed. marriage is a unit with some assembly required. BEEP BOOP BEEP

6fsn · May 2013

radleyboo said:

I appreciate that, Varuna. For the record, I am completely familiar with dealing with individuals who suffer from depression. I'm just trying to make the point that if the OP's H had cancer or something, I don't think anyone would be describing her ailing husband as a 'pain in the ass'. We stick together through the ups and downs, because that's what marriage is. It's not always fun, pretty, or sexy. We choose our partners because they stand by us during the crappy times, and celebrate with us during the good times. Personally, I found that remark offensive. Not everyone has to agree with me.

Caregivers of any ailment get burned out. Sometimes it's hard to say out loud, but any illness is tough to bear. My neighbor's husband had cancer. She enjoyed her time doing yardwork because it got her away from the pain and depressive nature of the disease. The man was a wonderful human, but some of his care was a PITA.

PMeg819 · May 2013

hmonkey said:

what kuus is saying is: data analyzed. marriage is a unit with some assembly required. BEEP BOOP BEEP

END OF REPLIES!

hmonkey · May 2013

counseling = runtime error. press ok to install software updates and reboot. BEEP BOOP BEEP

PirateBarbie · May 2013

ReturnOfKuus said:

There were no vows!

vows are illogical

we all know Kuus got married in a traditional Vulcan ceremony

GBCK · May 2013

With this cake topper. Robot and Bunny wedding Cake Topper

VarunaTT · May 2013

@GBCK:

Holy. Schite! I don't know what kind of Google-fu you have, but it is strong!

mrsconn23 · May 2013

VarunaTT said:

@GBCK:
Holy. Schite! I don't know what kind of Google-fu you have, but it is strong!

@GBCK is the Google ninja.

GBCK · May 2013

*taking bow*

You do have to be prepared for weird crap though, when practicing that sort of google-fu for images.

I tried finding an awesome pic for the @poolboys for the @knotgods thread and...uh...just don't try to do that. I don't remember what I searched for but it brought up equal parts pictures of small children in swimming pools and NSFW pics of naked-ish men riding on blow up toys

Wzz · May 2013

complete with robo first dance.

The Partner Ballroom Dance Robot

nycrose2013 · May 2013

You know, OP gave barely any detail, and everyone just ran with the speculation that he is depressed...People always say "dont ask for medical advice on the internet." I am going to say "don't diagnose people on the internet." He could just be a lazy jerk. There isn't always an illness behind someone's sucky behavior.

OP, find out in counseling what is actually his problem.

VarunaTT · May 2013

Trapped said:

At this point I feel like if we were to go to therapy, he would have to be the one to set up the appointment. I am too busy and I am sick of having to deal with his issues.

This is what made people run w/depression, really. It was suggested that he might need to see a therapist and this was the response.

Maybe he is just an a$$hat. But the "used to be great person" into something else does suggest a very large outlook/personality change that isn't really "normal".

NOLABridesmaid · May 2013

She needs to have on a purple dress.

bbbb78 · May 2013

Because you have a child involved and there is no abuse I am really going to urge you to try everything in your power to make your marriage work. Divorce can be a lot more destructive to children than the average person would have you think.

Google "The National Marriage Project" if you want more information.

hmonkey · May 2013

bbbb78 said:

Because you have a child involved and there is no abuse I am really going to urge you to try everything in your power to make your marriage work. Divorce can be a lot more destructive to children than the average person would have you think.

Google "The National Marriage Project" if you want more information.

jigga-what.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

http://familyinequality.wordpress.com/2011/06/06/distorting-data-on-divorce-at-the-national-marriage-project/

VarunaTT · May 2013

I glad someone else took over that. Thanks @hmonkey and @returnofkuus.

My eyes rolled out of my head @ that, so I just couldn't be bothered.

Englishteacher26 · May 2013

Have you tried sitting down with him one night after the kid was in bed and just discussing this issue heart to heart and considering possibly talking to a counselor or maybe even a pastor would help if you're more comfortable that way? I would leave divorce as the last option, but , if he continues his ways and still doesn't seem to want to change or do something about it, then, I would consider it. You don't want to give up easily and quickly though.

jennylee813 · May 2013

bbbb78 said:

Because you have a child involved and there is no abuse I am really going to urge you to try everything in your power to make your marriage work. Divorce can be a lot more destructive to children than the average person would have you think.

Google "The National Marriage Project" if you want more information.

Disagree. In some cases, yes, but in most it's much more difficult for children to be caught in a household where the parents are only staying together 'for the sake of the children.' They DO pick up on this, and for the rare one that doesn't, they come to think that the disfunction f a loveless marriage is the norm.

I think that OP does need to work on her marriage, but if he isn't willing, that's where the problem lies. Yes, it's frustrating and marriage isn't always rainbows and unicorns, but it seems like she does want her H back to the way he used to be. I'm guessing that his ego has taken quite a beating if he lost three jobs this year, but there must also be an underlying reason for that...

You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Starting the conversation isn't easy, but together you and your H need to come up with a plan, and follow through.

Should I leave him?

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