18 year old and SO

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

CMS, a while back, I searched every wedding etiquette book I could find. Not one said every BF/GF MUST be invited. Not one. As to the mandatory invites of spouses and fiances, some books might add live-in or long term partner. This is a "Knot Board" rule. Everytime the question comes up, there is a chorus of how I knew my BF was right from me from day one. Its mssing the point, a BF not being invited is not a judgement on your relationship, it is just the host is not going beyond that which is required.

I agree, some people may not come if they do not get a plus one, or their BF/GF.

Again, because those books are based on etiquette rules that haven't been updated for the current times, regardless of whether or not they were recently published. . . the authors are choosing not to update their advice to reflect more modern times.

Again, people need to use common sense and common courtesy. . . and I'm not talking about Muppet specifically here.

MuppetFan · May 2013

fionahalliwell said:

So, basically, we violated a bunch of etiquette rules with my fourth cousin's daughter. I guess she turned 18 at some point, so she should have gotten her own invitation. And she has a boyfriend, but they both live across the country. She's met my cousin (the bride), like, twice, though. And I'm sure that none of us ever thought twice about sending her an invite with her boyfriend's name on it, too (especially because we really aren't sure how her family feels about the BF, and face it: at just 18, what her parents think does matter).

I totally agree with the SO thing, but I don't necessarily feel that muppet's question was judgey.

Not sure that anyone's opinion was that it was?

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I think you will be safe not doing a +1 for him. Even if he is dating someone at the time of your wedding, it sounds like it wouldn't be very long. To my a SO is someone you've been with for some time, not just a month. It's not like he isn't going know people there, there will be his parents, and other relatives.

TiaTea · May 2013

@StageManager14

Tia, you're confused. I'm not pitting my credentials against Carly's.
No, you are putting it against some well known sources for advice on etiqette and manners : besides her, also Dear Abby and Miss Manners. You may have other sources , but did not mentioned them
I am pitting common sense and common decency against them. Common sense would be , that at an event as important in your life as your wedding, you would invite people who you think are emotionally invested somehow.
If you are trying to convince me that the "right" thing to do is completely contrary to logic and is going to hurt other people's feelings, I need a bit more of a reason than "she has a degree in something totally unrelated and has appeared on The View." I never said that you have to hurt people's feelings. And it has nothing to do with one's degree. But I think that a degree in cultural studies would give you a better perspective on culturally ( as in "society" ) acceptable practices and relationships , compared to ... hydrogeology , for exmple.

So, until someone can give me a GOOD reason to insult my friends and family, You don't insult friends and family by not inviting people , who are not interested in your relationship and events in your life. Someone's current date can not possibly be exited about you and FI getting married, so not inviting that date can not be considered insult. People may feel hurt by many things , but not all of them are considered insult and hurtful by standart of common sesne
I am going to err on the side of not doing so. You can not "err" on inviting someone. If you deside to invite someone's current date it's entirely up to you.
. Because, I promise when your friend or family member is so insulted that they cut you out of their lives because you didn't respect their relationship, ... If someone cuts you off of his /her life on the count of not inviting their current date to your wedding, you might ask yourself if this person even had a place in your life. The good practices of deciding whom to invite, suggest that it's not every relationship , but rather commited relationship. It used to mean spouses and FI, and is commonly extended nowdays to life partners, couples who live together, or at least are in a long term relationship. The operative word being ARE ( currently in a long term relationship) , not "might turn out to be".
telling them Carly told you it was okay isn't going to help.

*******************

By the way , I apologize to everybody that it looks like a personal conversation. I am trying to explain a point of view.

In the situation in question, I might be the guest of MuppetFan, because I might meet her cousin tonight. And it woudn't matter that I dont care ( nothing personal, MuppetFan, just an example) about the people who are getting married. All that matters is that the cousin feels that I am so special to him.
See you at the wedding !

There is nothing wrong in inviting people who are friends of friends. But it's neither hurtful nor insulting not to invite them. I think it was Miss Manner who once said that you, as a guest, should not treat someone's wedding as your prom , and insist to bring a date.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

Stage -- you say - "To me personally, my guests and their feelings are more important than social norms."

I think that people should not be upset if hosts go with social norms. No one is saying that your relationship is not serious, just that at the wedding, there is not a need to invite. I think when others do not accept this, they are wrong, but go ahead and keep up the fight.

Just because it may be a social norm does not mean that you should always follow it. By following social norms to a tea could lead to you or anyone really hurting the feelings of the people closests to you. I cannot believe that there are people who would rather follow the social norm (in this situation) then be corteous to their loved one's. It really baffles me. I agree with Stage, my friends and families feelings, relationships, etc are always set above what the social norm tells me.

TiaTea · May 2013

@StageManager14 "So you have no problem with not inviting spouses either then?"

Why do you keep twisting what people are saying? She did not say anything like that.

@NYUgirl100 said "I think that people should not be upset if hosts go with social norms"

Where did you see anything about social norms calling for not invitig spouses? Or can you quote NYUgirl100 from another post of hers, stating that either social norms are against inviting spouses, or she personally believes that spouses should not be invited together? She did not say anything like that. ( And we are still takling about weddings , because work-related events a diffrent subject)

Also "The problem with your premise is that it assumes that you are able to accurately judge every guest's relationship"
I did not say that. I said exactly the opposite :
The good practices of deciding whom to invite, suggest that it's not every relationship , but rather commited relationship. It used to mean spouses and FI, and is commonly extended nowdays to life partners, couples who live together, or at least are in a long term relationship. The operative word being ARE ( currently in a long term relationship) , not "might turn out to be".
There is no judging here. It's exactly the opposite : facts .

Actually , I have stated my opinion and it is jusyt that - an opinion. No one has to take it in consideration, if he doesn't want to. I was not going to write any more on the subject , sisnce there is nothing else I could add. But I noticed that you twist my words and assign me statements that I did not make , and that is a completely different story. You also do it with the opinions of other people.

I do not know how NYUgirl100 feels about her statement being switched for something she did not say, but please , do not assign me any statemenst, or thoughts that I did not express.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

Maggie0829 · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

OMG, so why isn't the 8 year old on the other thread allowed a SO? This "Knot" rule of everyone gets a SO leads to absurd invite questions. Like married people wanting to bring their affair partners. The standard rules are objective and easy to define. Its not judging.

All adults should be allowed to bring their SO. By limiting that SO to only people that are in long term relationships, living together, or are engaged/married you are basically saying to the couples that have been together for 3 months that you don't think that their relationship is as important or "real" as the one's who have been together a year or are living together. Thus you are judging their relationship.

As for the point about the married person wanting to bring their on the side sex partner. If they are married you invite then as a married couple meaning Mr. and Mrs. Douche not Mr. and Mrs. Douche/Homewrecker. So that point is completely moot. But if say a friend is still legally married but going through the divorce process and has started seeing someone new then that guest should be invited with their new SO.

If I went to a wedding and say my H and I had only been exclusively seeing each other for 3 months but considered ourselves serious and he was not invited only for me to then see X, Y, and Z guest with their SO's of 6 monhts or more at the wedding I would be extremely pissed that the bride and groom thought so little of my relationship. I wouldn't just roll over and be ok with it because they are "following social norms". I would think that they were both assholes.

MuppetFan · May 2013

In the situation in question, I might be the guest of MuppetFan, because I might meet her cousin tonight. And it woudn't matter that I dont care ( nothing personal, MuppetFan, just an example) about the people who are getting married. All that matters is that the cousin feels that I am so special to him.
See you at the wedding !

@tiatea The point isn't about you at all. It's that more that as the bride, I care about my cousin and all that matters when I invite him is that I'm extending him the proper courtesy as my guest.

I asked the question originally, mainly because I wanted to know if he's changing gf's so often whether I should do a plus one or a named guest. Though, since he's just turned 18, I did wonder etiquette of inviting one since he's on the cusp overall, but i do appreciate cfas' clarification about him no longer being part of his parent's family unit either.

This thread went a little nuts.

18 year old and SO

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