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Trying to please families in 2 states

anxiousbride25anxiousbride25
in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
My FI is from a different state, and I am struggling with where to have the wedding. I am currently thinking of having a cermony and reception in my home state, and then having a party to celebrate the following weekend in his home state. I would invite everyone to the wedding (knowing that many won't come from out of town) and then invite everyone from his state to the party the following weekend. Is this acceptable? Would I need to invite everyone that is invited to the wedding to the party or is it okay just to invite friends and family from his home state? Could I invite other people from his home state to the party but not the actual wedding (for example more distant relatives)? And is it acceptable/appropriate to include an extra card in the invitation for those in his home state that says something along the lines of "For our friends in X, we'll be celebrating with a party the following saturday" so people know they will have a chance to celebrate with us even if they can't make it to the wedding? I just want everyone to be happy, and am finding it overwhelming!
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Re: Trying to please families in 2 states

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Why are you so sure people won't travel from out of state?  

    People routinely travel to other countries for weddings.  Going to another state is no big deal.  
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I agree with Lynda. Why wouldn't people travel? You do not have to have multiple events in multiple states and complicate your life and planning trying to appease everyone. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-please-families-in-2-states?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4acaa4a8-a18d-485c-aa68-d23e732c9238Post:61fe14c8-7cb8-4ae0-9db2-5f1b5a4f83ec">Trying to please families in 2 states</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI is from a different state, and I am struggling with where to have the wedding. I am currently thinking of having a cermony and reception in my home state, and then having a party to celebrate the following weekend in his home state. I would invite everyone to the wedding (knowing that many won't come from out of town) and then invite everyone from his state to the party the following weekend. Is this acceptable? Would I need to invite everyone that is invited to the wedding to the party or is it okay just to invite friends and family from his home state? Could I invite other people from his home state to the party but not the actual wedding (for example more distant relatives)? And is it acceptable/appropriate to include an extra card in the invitation for those in his home state that says something along the lines of "For our friends in X, we'll be celebrating with a party the following saturday" so people know they will have a chance to celebrate with us even if they can't make it to the wedding? I just want everyone to be happy, and am finding it overwhelming!
    Posted by anxiousbride25[/QUOTE]

    What state? You just might be surprised at who is willing to travel. I think you should have the wedding that you want. There's just no way to make everybody happy.
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    chels926chels926 member
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    Agree with PP. It is common to travel for weddings! 

    In our wedding, for example, 100% of the guest list lives in a different state (we recently moved to Texas and decided to have it here instead of back home) and already 80% of them have booked their hotel rooms. We also invited 6 people from the UK and 5 of them are flying all the way from London to Dallas to attend!
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    nesnevenesneve
    First Comment
    Unless you are absolutely sure people won't travel (budget or health issues e.g.), don't plan for it. Our guests live in a lot of different countries, but sending out invitations very (at Christmas, wedding is in august - the norm here is four months before) early and having the wedding in the normal school vacation made it possible for most of them to save up and make arrangements.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    I currently live in Virginia. My FH lives in Indiana. We sent STDs to people in California, Colorado, New Jersey, Michigan, Connecticut, Iowa, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, and Germany. (I'm probably forgetting a few states.) We are getting married in Indiana. 

    I don't doubt that some people will decline because of the travel, but I also know that if they really want to be there, they will be there. We are getting married in October, and sent our STDs out at the end of January. I did it so early so my family & friends can save up if they need to, if they want to attend.

    Long story short: have one wedding, not two.
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    amschulteamschulte member
    First Comment
    Which states?

    My friend got married in Colorado and I wasn't invited to the small ceremony/reception there but was invited to the large, casual BBQ in a pretty park a few weeks later. I think it's great.

    Honestly, I'm with you as far as trying to please families in 2 states. I'm keeping my wedding small (50 guests) and evenly inviting relatives and close friends from both sides. For example, aunts and uncles, no cousins. However, my parents are throwing a "reception" two weekends after the wedding for the more extended family and friends that we aren't inviting to the wedding out of state. I don't expect my wedding party to attend because they all live in different states and that is a lot of travel and expenses for two weeks in the same month. They are, of course, welcome if they can.

    I would say keep the invitations to friends and family from his home state and go on and invite more distant relatives. I'm going to send out separate, more simple invitations, to the home-state reception after the wedding. Just do what you feel most comfortable with; it's your wedding after all.
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    jillmariecjillmariec
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    anxiousbride25 said:
     I just want everyone to be happy, and am finding it overwhelming!
    You sound like a very caring person, but from one caring person to another...you need to abandon the idea that you're going to make everyone happy. I've recently done this when it comes to planning my wedding and my life has become muuuuuch easier. No matter how hard you try, someone will have an issue with something. That's just how it is. Of course weddings are about celebrating with the people you care about, but don't lose sight of what you and your future husband want.

    I had your similar issue when we first got engaged: FI's family is on the west coast. Mine is in the Midwest. We live on the east coast. I looked at places in each of our home states, but then realized that it would make the most sense to have it where WE live. It was much easier for us to see our future venue for ourselves, we were familiar with the area and surroundings...it just became a no-brainer. Plus it eliminated the "well, one family has to travel and one doesn't" thing. This way, we know the most important people will for sure make it, and hopefully a good chunk of our other guests will want to make the trip as well (it's in a beach town, that might be a nice incentive :]). If not, we're anticipating having casual get togethers the next time we each visit our families.

    Either way, I hope you choose what's best for you and your wedding day. Just remember to do what feels right to you, not what you think will feel right to other people.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    My FI and I are from opposite sides of the country. We decided to have the wedding in my hometown because I have a much bigger family (fewer people traveling). FI's family was put out by our decision, but it made sense for us (we also happen to live in my hometown, so didn't want to be planning a wedding remotely). It sounds to me like you're new to planning - you will not be able to make everyone happy throughout this process. My FI's family chose to throw us a shower when we were there over the holidays for the people who wouldn't be traveling to the wedding. It was a nice gesture and allowed us to celebrate with those who have decided they're not coming to our wedding.
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    SBminiSBmini member
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    No offense fellow posters, but I feel like so many people who post on "The Knot" boards are in complete denial of the real world. "Why wouldn't people travel?" "Why would you ask your future sister in law to help out?" And so on and so forth. Let me level with you people- I'm having trouble convincing my FI family that 40 minutes from his home town isn't too far for a wedding. Not everyone has the means to travel both financially or from a time commitment. As much as I would really like a destination wedding, I've come to terms with this and am now looking closer to home. 

    OP- I think your solution of a wedding in your neck of the woods and a second reception in his is the best of both worlds. Another option is to go full destination or meet half way so no one has the home court advantage. When I was thinking about having a destination wedding with an in-town reception the invite was going to be "Either Or" come to both or come to one, just so long as you come.
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