I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:bd50c4a5-63a3-4d70-9b57-9f049dbb808c">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : No one's "pretending" any such thing, so this argument doesn't make it off the ground.  <strong>Being Hindu or Indian, or of any or no cultural or religious background, does not entitle the FILs to expect the bride to totally cave in to them, let alone having temper tantrums when the bride doesn't give in with enthusiasm.  Their culture and religion do not take priority over what the bride wants, whatever her culture or religion are or aren't, just because it's what they want.</strong>
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

You have two seperate arguments.  as to your second, highlighted one... I didn't say it did. read my reply to Pele.

SB1512

The wedding may be about people other than the couple but the CEREMONY is the one aspect that is about the couple and decisions regarding that aspect should be made only by the bride and groom. If they want a blended ceremony is it no place for the parents to be involved

OliveOilsMom

Thurman, how is OP's Hindu ceremony issue different from any other bride that comes on here and says her parents want her to have a full Catholic ceremony or they won't pay for the wedding, when she herself does not consider herself Catholic any more.  We always tell that bride to decide with her FI what type of ceremony they want and then pay for it themselves.  This is exactly what OP & her FI did.  They decided they did not want a full Hindu ceremony and are now paying for the wedding themselves. 

Perhaps OP's FI does not consider himself Hindu any more.  Why should he go through a ceremony, where he does not consider himself a part of that faith anymore?  We always tell brides here that they should not have a religious ceremony when they don't believe, because it is disrespectful to that religion and a lie.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:d6caf0cf-97ca-4523-9802-c0e97d07e3e0">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : Interfaith isn't nearly as big of an issue as inter-religious. Mine were inter-religious. S
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh I'm sorry, I've always took those terms to mean the same thing.  My father is Catholic and my mother is Jewish.  Better?  Our ceremony was going to take some aspects of each faith that we find personally meaningful.  My parents have always managed to blend their religions just fine- the resistance that we have met in my ILs is not like anything I've ever seen.  Again, how we choose to handle our ceremony has nothing to do with you, so I don't need to describe it to you.  My parents and my ILs have both been consulted several times about our ceremony even we didn't have to do this.  We wanted a ceremony that everyone would be happy with.

</div>

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:d7eff168-9451-4d58-bfe3-880cf5d1400e">Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding may be about people other than the couple but the CEREMONY is the one aspect that is about the couple and decisions regarding that aspect should be made only by the bride and groom. If they want a blended ceremony is it no place for the parents to be involved
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

This is<strong> not</strong> true for Indian weddings. That is why her FILs are upset.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:2330815c-aff6-4a49-a69a-b65c295dafbd">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]Thurman, how is OP's Hindu ceremony issue different from any other bride that comes on here and says her parents want her to have a full Catholic ceremony or they won't pay for the wedding, when she herself does not consider herself Catholic any more.  We always tell that bride to decide with her FI what type of ceremony they want and then pay for it themselves.  This is exactly what OP & her FI did.  They decided they did not want a full Hindu ceremony and are now paying for the wedding themselves. <strong> Perhaps OP's FI does not consider himself Hindu any more.  </strong>Why should he go through a ceremony, where he does not consider himself a part of that faith anymore?  We always tell brides here that they should not have a religious ceremony when they don't believe, because it is disrespectful to that religion and a lie.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>He doesn't- just to throw that in the mix.

</div>

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:f2a06188-2ac1-474b-b15a-d621b9ba6cb6">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : You have two seperate arguments.  as to your second, highlighted one... I didn't say it did. read my reply to Pele.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

I read all your posts and my arguments stand.  Regardless of who belongs to what culture or religion, or none, or how old it is, the FILs have no business throwing fits and expecting the OP and FI to cave.  They are demanding all or no wedding, so any "okayness" with anything that isn't what they want has clearly expired.  Their attitude has no place in any successful relationship, which has to be a two-way street.  The OP can't be expected to do all the giving in.  These people refuse to do any.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:6591fcb5-dd43-40c1-84ba-80bb41b8977b">Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help : This is not true for Indian weddings. That is why her FILs are upset.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

Which is their problem-not the OP's.  They have no business blaming the OP for that or for throwing temper tantrums.

SB1512

In Response to Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help:The wedding may be about people other than the couple but the CEREMONY is the one aspect that is about the couple and decisions regarding that aspect should be made only by the bride and groom. If they want a blended ceremony is it no place for the parents to be involvedPosted by SB1512This is not true for Indian weddings. That is why her FILs are upset. Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

Well they need to accept that bride and groom do not follow that religion. My FI's family is very catholic and we told them no church wedding we are doing a JOP at the reception site. FI is no longer a practicing catholic and I am not religious at all. Were they upset? Very much so but we told them its the one part of the day that is truly about us and what we want and that they needed to accept it and move forward.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:2330815c-aff6-4a49-a69a-b65c295dafbd">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]Thurman, how is OP's Hindu ceremony issue different from any other bride that comes on here and says her parents want her to have a full Catholic ceremony or they won't pay for the wedding, when she herself does not consider herself Catholic any more.  We always tell that bride to decide with her FI what type of ceremony they want and then pay for it themselves.  This is exactly what OP & her FI did.  They decided they did not want a full Hindu ceremony and are now paying for the wedding themselves.  Perhaps OP's FI does not consider himself Hindu any more.  Why should he go through a ceremony, where he does not consider himself a part of that faith anymore?  We always tell brides here that they should not have a religious ceremony when they don't believe, because it is disrespectful to that religion and a lie.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

It's not any different. I haven't said it was different? And Yes, you guys would give that advice.

What IS different is that 1) her FILs feel like her FI is abandoning them, 2) They're at the brink of disowning themselves from the family, 3) this issue is so huge they may not get married at all.

With THOSE THREE ISSUES, I just wonder how "how to I replace the FSIL" is even a thread. It should be "recommend family counselors because we sure as he!l aren't communicating!"

Again, my advice to her wasn't to ignore her desires, obviously having her way means so much to her as to risk getting not married at all. But she should atleast try to understand where her ILs are coming from. My guess is that they feel culturally "abandoned" because that's how OP is treating them. The solution, assuming the desired outcome is for everyone to get along, is to try to understand their concerns. Instead, OP's threatening to not serve vegetarian food.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:5d85086f-ac57-4b2e-8ad9-82efc9ca36c0">Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help : Which is their problem-not the OP's. <strong> They have no business blaming the OP for that or for throwing temper tantrums.</strong>
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]


...I agree. But they aren't posting here, are they? BOTH sides need to grow up! And this IS OP's issue, as it may lead to her and her FI not getting married at all!

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:93156662-0697-444e-8517-e386f948a83b">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : <strong>He doesn't</strong>- just to throw that in the mix.
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

Do your FILs know FI doesn't associate with being Hindu any longer?  Perhaps that could help them see why you are both resistant to giving into all of their requests.

SB1512

Thurman, when did OP say they weren't getting married? I thought a read something about "not sure if this will turn out to be a wedding or a marriage" but I think all she meant was that they weren't sure if they would continue the planning of the wedding or just elope and get married which still is a wedding of course.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:28438070-fc34-4bd4-8915-0dbce68c3d48">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : It's not any different. I haven't said it was different? And Yes, you guys would give that advice. What IS different is that 1) her FILs feel like her FI is abandoning them, 2) They're at the brink of disowning themselves from the family, 3) this issue is so huge they may not get married at all. With THOSE THREE ISSUES, I just wonder how "how to I replace the FSIL" is even a thread. It should be "recommend family counselors because we sure as he!l aren't communicating!" Again, my advice to her wasn't to ignore her desires, obviously having her way means so much to her as to risk getting not married at all. But she should atleast try to understand where her ILs are coming from. My guess is that they feel culturally "abandoned" because that's how OP is treating them. The solution, assuming the desired outcome is for everyone to get along, is to try to understand their concerns. <strong>Instead, OP's threatening to not serve vegetarian food.</strong>
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

Once again, the food is NOT the issue. 

The FILs aren't feeling "culturally abandoned" because the OP's threatening not to serve vegetarian food.  They are feeling "culturally abandoned" because they aren't getting 100% of what they want, whether that's Indian food, a Hindu ceremony, and everything else they want.  And they are giving no consideration whatsoever to anything-anything at all-that the OP and her FI want.  Instead, they want the OP and her FI to abandon everything in favor of what they want-which is NOT reasonable.

You suggested that the OP and her FI try to see where the FILs are coming from, and it looks like they did that, because they kept making concessions to the ILs (maybe not about the food, but about many other things) and each time they did, the FILs threw a fit about what they weren't conceding.  I think the OP and her FI have seen all too much of where the FILs are coming from already.  Are the FILs seeing where the OP and her FI are coming from?  Not one bit!

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:2c795818-ccbb-4ca4-8e90-38ddd51296f8">Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]Thurman, when did OP say they weren't getting married? <strong>I thought a read something about "not sure if this will turn out to be a wedding or a marriage" but I think all she meant was that they weren't sure if they would continue the planning of the wedding or just elope and get married which still is a wedding of course.</strong>
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]


o.O Well yeah, eloping is still a marriage, which is why I took that to mean getting married at all. Of course, you could also be right.

Either, way, they need to get to some sort of understanding with their ILs. And Step 1 could be admitting she did something which greatly upset them, whether she feels their reaction was warranted or not.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:f696d328-ddf8-430e-8c72-5d66f6a5f4bf">Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help : ...I agree. But they aren't posting here, are they? BOTH sides need to grow up! And this IS OP's issue, as it may lead to her and her FI not getting married at all!
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

The OP and her FI are getting married.  I think what's in question is what kind of wedding it will be, not whether or not they are getting married.

They are "grown up" and don't need you to tell them to "grow up."

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:4f729783-0bce-4a37-b354-68354ceab6b6">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : Once again, the food is NOT the issue.  The FILs aren't feeling "culturally abandoned" because the OP's threatening not to serve vegetarian food.  They are feeling "culturally abandoned" because they aren't getting 100% of what they want, whether that's Indian food, a Hindu ceremony, and everything else they want.  And they are giving no consideration whatsoever to anything-anything at all-that the OP and her FI want.  Instead, they want the OP and her FI to abandon everything in favor of what they want-which is NOT reasonable. You suggested that the OP and her FI try to see where the FILs are coming from, and it looks like they did that, because they kept making concessions to the ILs (maybe not about the food, but about many other things) and each time they did, the FILs threw a fit about what they weren't conceding.  I think the OP and her FI have seen all too much of where the FILs are coming from already.  Are the FILs seeing where the OP and her FI are coming from?  Not one bit!
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

First,  take a depth breath.

I know the food is trivial, I've made that point many times. That's why it's so petty that she's threatening to take it away. It makes the whole thing like like a 14 year old tit for tat spat. Honestly, when's the last time you argued with people about how they can't control you?

I said they feel abandaned because that's what FSIL said to OP.

edit: also... you missed the entire point of that post.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:28438070-fc34-4bd4-8915-0dbce68c3d48">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : It's not any different. I haven't said it was different? And Yes, you guys would give that advice. What IS different is that 1) <strong>her FILs feel like her FI is abandoning them</strong>, 2) They're at the <strong>brink of disowning themselves from the family</strong>, 3) this <strong>issue is so huge they may not get married at all</strong>. With THOSE THREE ISSUES, I just wonder how "how to I replace the FSIL" is even a thread. It should be "recommend family counselors because we sure as he!l aren't communicating!" Again, my advice to her wasn't to ignore her desires, <strong>obviously having her way means so much to her</strong> as to risk getting not married at all. But she should atleast try to understand where her ILs are coming from. My guess is that they feel culturally "abandoned" because that's how OP is treating them. The solution, assuming the desired outcome is for everyone to get along, is to try to understand their concerns. Instead, <strong>OP's threatening to not serve vegetarian food</strong>.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

In order of the bold parts:

It is their own doing that is causing their son to pull away from them.  OP & FI have tried to accomodate their ideas, but their is no compromise back with FILs.

Again, it's FILs actions that are causing FI to pull back from them.  If they don't lighten up on the couple, they will be disowned and at their own doing.

Family issues can always cause problems between a couple.  If a FI/H, always chooses to side with his own family instead of his FI/W, it will cause problems.  When you are getting married, you are forming a new unit and need to act as one unit, which OP & FI are.  FILs just don't like it (again, their problem).

OP & FI have decided together what kind of ceremony they want. 

She never said she wasn't serving vegetarian food, she was just limiting the option to one.  If a family is big meat eaters, should you have multiple choices on a beef dish?  No, it's pretty standard that you have a choice between 2 or 3 entrees.  And if there are extra dietary restrictions not covered by the 2 or 3 entrees, extra accomodations can be made.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:b2e91d60-3301-406e-98dc-dc6ba83f9951">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : First,  take a depth breath. I know the food is trivial, I've made that point many times. That's why it's so petty that she's threatening to take it away. It makes the whole thing like like a 14 year old tit for tat spat. Honestly, when's the last time you argued with people about how they can't control you? <strong>I said they feel abandaned because that's what FSIL said to OP.</strong>
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

But feeling abandoned is not justification for the fits they've been throwing or accusing OP of "disrespect."  They are using those fits and accusations as a power play.  No matter what the OP and her FI do or don't do, they will keep using them to jerk around the OP and her FI.

I think the OP and her FI need to write off the ILs and accept that nothing they do will make them happy-and in fact, that would include having vegetarian food, a 100% Hindu ceremony, and everything else the ILs want.  The ILs have chosen not to be happy and no matter what concessions the OP and her FI give them, they will find something else to complain about and probably threaten to boycott anyway.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:afda0a82-494d-44cf-aca0-4c97b3e8c809">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : In order of the bold parts: It is their own doing that is causing their son to pull away from them.  OP & FI have tried to accomodate their ideas, but their is no compromise back with FILs. Again, it's FILs actions that are causing FI to pull back from them.  If they don't lighten up on the couple, they will be disowned and at their own doing. Family issues can always cause problems between a couple.  If a FI/H, always chooses to side with his own family instead of his FI/W, it will cause problems.  When you are getting married, you are forming a new unit and need to act as one unit, which OP & FI are.  FILs just don't like it (again, their problem). OP & FI have decided together what kind of ceremony they want.  She never said she wasn't serving vegetarian food, she was just limiting the option to one.  If a family is big meat eaters, should you have multiple choices on a beef dish?  No, it's pretty standard that you have a choice between 2 or 3 entrees.  <strong>And if there are extra dietary restrictions not covered by the 2 or 3 entrees, extra accomodations can be made.</strong>
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]


Again, I don't disagree with this. If OP's ILs were posting here I would tell them exactly what you just said. But they aren't posting here. OP is. This will effect OPs life, regardelss as to who the knot thinks is at fault. The snide way the posts are written indicates that OP isn't completely innocent here. <strong>She may not the only one throwing a tantrum, but she's still throwing a tantrum</strong>. Her tantrum is inline with US tradition (as in, what the Bride says goes) but she's marrying someone from a different culture and can't expect them to just ignore all that because she said to. Again, that is NOT to say they get to ignore her culture but just because it's the brides culture to act this way doesn't mean they need to let it go. After all, they are just following their culture and you guys are all telling the bride she has a right to be p!ssed. Goes both ways.


As to your bolded part I think having aprox. half your guest list have this same dietary restriction is probably the best reason ever to cater to it in the menu. I would not want half of her 160+ guests to call in about what they're eating. That's just poor planning.

SB1512

In Response to Re:I can't believe I'm posting this BM help:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this BM help:In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this BM help : First,nbsp; take a depth breath. I know the food is trivial, I've made that point many times. That's why it's so petty that she's threatening to take it away. It makes the whole thing like like a 14 year old tit for tat spat. Honestly, when's the last time you argued with people about how they can't control you? I said they feel abandaned because that's what FSIL said to OP.Posted by thurmanpowellBut feeling abandoned is not justification for the fits they've been throwing or accusing OP of "disrespect."nbsp; They are using those fits and accusations as a power play.nbsp; No matter what the OP and her FI do or don't do, they will keep using them to jerk around the OP and her FI.I think the OP and her FI need to write off the ILs and accept that nothing they do will make them happyand in fact, that would include having vegetarian food, a 100 Hindu ceremony, and everything else the ILs want.nbsp; The ILs have chosen not to be happy and no matter what concessions the OP and her FI give them, they will find something else to complain about and probably threaten to boycott anyway. Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

This. I wonder if FILs are being this way because they are generally unhappy FI is marrying outside his culture/religion, even tho he is no longer a practicing Hindu. If that's the case Jen is righ and all the concessions in the world for this wedding won't make them happy

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:6fd24969-48d9-49ce-972c-8496ee8aedb1">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : <strong>But feeling abandoned is not justification for the fits they've been throwing or accusing OP of "disrespect."  They are using those fits and accusations as a power play. </strong> <em>No matter what the OP and her FI do or don't do, they will keep using them to jerk around the OP and her FI. I think the OP and her FI need to write off the ILs and accept that nothing they do will make them happy-and in fact, that would include having vegetarian food, a 100% Hindu ceremony, and everything else the ILs want.  The ILs have chosen not to be happy and no matter what concessions the OP and her FI give them, they will find something else to complain about and probably threaten to boycott anyway.</em>
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

Bolded: Everyone in this thread to agreeing to that.

Italicized: I think this is just an assumption of yours. Sounds to me like they knew they had tons of requests, which is why they offered to help pay for it to begin with. OP rejected their vision (as was her right) so of course they aren't happy with it. You can't really fault people for not liking things when they told you what they wanted up front and you want to go another route.

Bec20

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:28438070-fc34-4bd4-8915-0dbce68c3d48">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : It's not any different. I haven't said it was different? And Yes, you guys would give that advice. What IS different is that 1) her FILs feel like her FI is abandoning them, 2) They're at the brink of disowning themselves from the family, 3) this issue is so huge they may not get married at all. With THOSE THREE ISSUES, I just wonder how "how to I replace the FSIL" is even a thread. It should be "recommend family counselors because we sure as he!l aren't communicating!" Again, my advice to her wasn't to ignore her desires, obviously having her way means so much to her as to risk getting not married at all. But she should atleast try to understand where her ILs are coming from. My guess is that they feel culturally "abandoned" because that's how OP is treating them. The solution, assuming the desired outcome is for everyone to get along, is to try to understand their concerns. Instead, OP's threatening to not serve vegetarian food.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1) So what if her FILs feel like they're being abandoned?  If her FI doesn't want any of the things they're pushing for then they have to learn to deal with it.  My family is going to be livid when they find out I'm not getting married in a church (to Catholics, this is HUGE), but they will have to deal with it.  If neither half of a couple identifies as part of a religion it is disrespectful to the religion and to believers to do so.  <strong>You are encouraging her to disrespect a religion.</strong>
</div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>2) If you want to disown yourself from your parents, it is very emotionally draining and takes a lot out of you.  If you had been there, you would know this.</div><div>
</div><div>Think of all the meanest people you know.  All of the pushiest people you know.  All of the people who are unwilling to ever take the blame for anything.  These are the sort of people you cut out of your life and try to avoid as much as possible.  However, all of these people are related to people you meet.  They are the mothers, fathers, siblings, and extended families that people choose to cut out of their lives and that is a valid choice.</div><div>
</div><div>3) They are communicating.  They agree on the important aspects of their wedding.  They have even tried to blend both of their cultures.  If his parents can't accept that they can't have everything just the way they want it, that is their problem and they are the ones who need to grow up.  Compromise goes both ways.  Only 1 vegetarian option?  I've gone to weddings where there was only 1 meat option and a veggie option.  OP & her FI are inviting people that they didn't want to and were verbally invited without their permission (a huge faux pas in the OP's culture, as you well know) to appease her FI's parents.</div><div>
</div><div>Compromise requires both people to give in.  Otherwise, it's just a relationship between a controlling half and a doormat.</div>

thurmanpowell

"You are encouraging her to disrespect a religion."

I'm not so sure that a non practicing person having a Hindu wedding is seen as disrespectful in Indian culture. Especially given how Homogenous the country is. I realize that there are many religious traditions in India, but a large part of it is culture, not religion. That's also why people tend to have Christian-esque weddings here.

Also, I said "family counseling" because the FILs need to be included in that.

As to your other points, we can agree to disagree, that's fine. Is OP doesn't want to fix the relationship, that's her choice. Again, good luck with that.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:b284db40-eea8-45e6-8b39-abf27042c305">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]" You are encouraging her to disrespect a religion." I'm not so sure that a non practicing person having a Hindu wedding is seen as disrespectful in Indian culture. Especially given how Homogenous the country is. I realize that there are many religious traditions in India, but a large part of it is culture, not religion. That's also why people tend to have Christian-esque weddings here. <strong>Also, I said "family counseling" because the FILs need to be included in that.</strong> As to your other points, we can agree to disagree, that's fine. Is OP doesn't want to fix the relationship, that's her choice. Again, good luck with that.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

I think the likelihood of any family counseling involving the FILs is doubtful at best, even if the OP and her FI want it.

Bec20

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:b284db40-eea8-45e6-8b39-abf27042c305">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]" You are encouraging her to disrespect a religion." I'm not so sure that a non practicing person having a Hindu wedding is seen as disrespectful in Indian culture. Especially given how Homogenous the country is. I realize that there are many religious traditions in India, but a large part of it is culture, not religion. That's also why people tend to have Christian-esque weddings here. Also, I said "family counseling" because the FILs need to be included in that. As to your other points, we can agree to disagree, that's fine. Is OP doesn't want to fix the relationship, that's her choice. Again, good luck with that.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

<div>Saying that sometimes there are people you are unlucky enough to be closely related to that you don't want to have a relationship with for one reason or another isn't opinion, it is fact.  It is also a fact that you haven't been in that situation, because otherwise you would realize how hard it is to even contemplate cutting a parent out of your life entirely.</div><div>
</div><div>The thing is, not having a Hindu wedding is no more insulting to their culture than any other couple who goes against what is traditional in their family.  A baptised Catholic who no longer identifies as such and chooses to get married outdoors is seen as not validly married in the eyes of his or her family's church and is therefore living in sin.  An Italian couple who choose to have a destination wedding rather than having a 250 person bash may also be going against what has been done in their family for longer than anybody can remember.  A Muslim woman who gets married without her parent's consent also is breaking a major cultural and religious requirement.</div><div>
</div><div>Going against tradition does not automatically make you disrespectful or the person who is unyielding, as you seem to think.</div>

MyNameIsNot

I think this horse has been sucessfully beat far past death, but I just wanted to add something to the OP:  

I think it's really awesome that your FI is standing up for you two as a couple so much.  So many couples let controlling parents run steam roll over them, and it winds up erroding the relationship or showing the parents that they can get away with it.  (Read the tux groom post on this page.)  It really says a lot about his character that he remembers that this wedding is between you and him, not anyone's parents, and that he's putting his relationship with you first, even when it gets difficult.

I hope the crazy doesn't scare you off too much and that you'll come back and update us after he talks to his parents.  

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:3cbe7e2f-b2fd-48c2-8959-586331a5946b">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : Cosigned.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Adding my name to the signature as well.  Best of luck!

nextrightthing

I thought the OP mentioned that she and her FI are having problems over this.  Her statements were something like, "we aren't sure if there is going to be a wedding or a marriage at all" and "I didn't come here to talk about my relationship with my FI; I came here for an etiquette question."

Look, I get that your in-laws are jerks.  That is clear.  And I get that you have a right to a wedding that reflects you.  However, the fact that you alluded to a problem with your FI over this makes me wonder if he is really as "on board" with you on this as you think he is.  Even if he is, I think the concern here in the future is that he may resent you if he totally loses his relationships with his family over this wedding.  I think the risk of that is sky high.  It makes me think you guys maybe could have, should have, or should give in to his parents a little more.

I get wanting to have the wedding you want to have, but as adults we all come to learn after a certain point in time that sometimes sucking it up to appease people is worth it.  If your options are appeasing your in laws and having a wedding that you might wish had been slightly different and not appeasing your in laws and having a husband who has no relationship with his parents and who may come to resent you for it, I think the choice is pretty clear.  

A wedding is one DAY, and your relationship with these people is more important than your wedding day.  Your husband's relationship with his parents is even more important....even though they are jerks, they are his PARENTS, and he is going to deeply regret it if this wedding (not the marriage, but the one-day wedding) ruins his relationships with them.

I also disagree that your lack of religion is just as important as their religion.  If you don't believe in a religion either way, what does it really harm to have a hindu ceremony? 

rsanna

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:fef1fc85-0249-4086-ae93-73f0c6d29835">Re:
I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought the OP mentioned that she and her FI are having problems over this.  Her statements were something like, "we aren't sure if there is going to be a wedding or a marriage at all" and "I didn't come here to talk about my relationship with my FI; I came here for an etiquette question." Look, I get that your in-laws are jerks.  That is clear.  And I get that you have a right to a wedding that reflects you.  However, the fact that you alluded
to a problem with your FI over this makes me wonder if he is really as "on board" with you on this as you think he is.  Even if he is, I think the concern here in the future is that he may resent you if he totally loses his relationships with his family over this wedding.  I think the risk of that is sky high.  It makes me think you guys maybe could have, should have, or should give in to his parents a little more. I get wanting to have the wedding
you want to have, but as adults we all come to learn after a certain point in time that sometimes sucking it up to appease people is worth it.  If your options are appeasing your in laws and having a wedding that you might wish had been slightly different and not appeasing your in laws and having a husband who has no relationship with his parents and who may come to resent you for it, I think the choice is pretty clear.   A wedding is one DAY, and your relationship with these people is more important than your wedding day. 
Your husband's relationship with his parents is even more important....<strong>even though they are jerks, they are his PARENTS, and he is going to deeply regret it if this wedding (not the marriage, but the one-day wedding) ruins his relationships with them. I also disagree that your lack of religion is just as important as their religion.  If you don't believe in a religion either way, what does it really harm to have a hindu ceremony?</strong> 
Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]

I disagree with you, specifically on the bolded.  (Because everything else has been pretty much covered entirely.) First, the religion.  I'm not religious. Because I am not religious, I should just go to church despite the fact that it goes against MY beliefs.  That is what you are saying the OP should do. It is a mockery not only to those that are Hindu (beyond the fact that the FI isn't Hindu anymore either), but also to the OP because she is specifically not religious. That is a very ignorant statement.  Because have a religious ceremony kind of implies that one is religious and gives off that impression and if that is not who you are, then why would you pretend to be someone you aren't. I don't know what exactly OP's ceremony is consisting of, but it is what she and her FI wants and to tell them to do something they don't believe in and pretend to be people they aren't, in my opinion, is  wrong.

Second, and much shorter.  I don't understand why you are defending the parents. Really? As has been discussed, they are the ones damaging the relationship.  They are the ones acting negatively and childish and immature, throwing fits and tantrums. Giving birth to someone does not give them the right to treat you like crap. Basically, his parents are ruining the relationship just fine on their own.  And as PPs have said, yes the wedding is just one day, but OP and her FI are setting the precedent for everything that will happen in the marriage.

ETA: I have no idea what the fluck happened with my formatting. First it was centered and then all weird. Hopefully its fixed now.
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