Hello NEY ladies! I have been reading the forums for some time on and off but never posted. But I feel I have to now - and hoping that you sensible people here can knock some sense into me because I am falling (have fallen?) into a very dark place about waiting. Any advice, help, encouragement, tough love, etc, more than welcome. I am already grateful that you are reading this.
Here's my situation. Lets start with t he rosy bit. I've been with my SO for 2.5yrs and this is the real thing. Every fibre in my being knows that. We are both 31. The man is amazing, we fit perfectly, he is my best friend, the conversation and communication flawless, sex is great, his family is fantastic, he gets on amazingly with my family.. we believe in growing in a relationship, we have the same views of the world... . We have been living together since last August (in my flat, it's perfect, none of the nitty-gritty teething problems, loving every moment with him as he does with me). I feel that this is not just an infatuation, we have talked about future, marriage, children, property, we are on the same wavelength. He cares about me the way I never imagined anyone could, he makes me laugh on an hourly basis, tells me he loves me, his actions match up with his words. He took me to a surprise trip to a mediterranean island for our 2years. He is romantic, handsome, funny, successful (our finances are in order), everything is just amazing.
But I am defective. There is something wrong with me. For some reason I have fallen into this really deep dark place about the subject of engagement. We have been talking about the future for some time and we agreed that we can see ourselves together in the future. both want to get married, have family etc. We had many nice, mature conversations. But I started wanting a proposal. And he is not ready. Classic story, I am sure happened to many people around the world. And we started talking about it. First subtle hints, then not so subtle ones, and my desperation and nagging has now gone full bloom. I am ashamed at myself, but for some reason I dont seem to be able to stop. Here's the thing. He is handling it very well and we had a very mature conversation the other day, and basically he said it loud and clear that a.) He never thought about marriage with anyone before me 2.) he can definitely see that happening for us 3.) he is just not ready, but he will be ready soon. (he even said something between a couple of months and a year and a half... a YEAR and a HALF??? ) Like this. He said it's not a doubt about me, its about him, himself and being ready. He explained it at length, and quite convincingly. I can see his point. When I accused him of "auditioning me and testing me", he actually gave the perfect answer: "if there was an audition, you passed it ages ago", and he is adamant its not me, he just needs to be ready for it. But as I said, I am defective. There is something inside me that keeps saying that I am not good enough to be called Mrs SO,I am not good enough to be his wife, I am not respected enough to be taken as his wife. And I am not an unconfident person normally, I am a senior manager and generally very happy in my skin all the time.
I want a proposal. Soon. Now. Yesterday. Why? I dont know. I have no goddamn clue!!! I am happy with the man I love, we live together, we both want children one day but not quite yet, I am still not awfully old, there is nothing that would require a paper (visa etc), but I want a proposal. Why? Why cant I wait for him, why cant I trust him, why do I have to rush everything in my life? Why cant I enjoy the amazing life I have right now, what is the rush? I have been asking myself these questions and I dont know the answer. Noone is pressurising me apart from me pressurising myself. Everyone around me seems to get engaged, and I get into a very dark place, where I am ashamed of my thoughts.. ashamed of thinking thoughts such as "friend x is less of a person than I am, how can she be engaged, what does she know that i dont?" That's the disgusting person that I have become. I am jealous. Jealous and bitter of people who are engaged, and I cannot recognise myself!! I want him to turn to me and say to me that he wants me forever, forever, until we are old, and just me. My sister is getting married next year and she is actually the only person I am not jealous of and love to bits... but she is younger than me and a shallow, stupid, idiotic part of me just wants to be married before her. I want to go to other people's weddings and not be just the girlfriend. I want to be a wife, HIS wife, not just live like one, like we do at the moment. I want to have his children, grow old together and I cant understand that if we love eachother, been through a lot (we have), happy together, planning the future, etc - why cant he just propose then?
And I know that it's only been 2.5 years. I know. I know its not a long time.
And I know that I shouldnt be nagging and it can push him away. And I know that I should trust him.
But I seem to be unable to let go of the control over my life. And I am growing resentful and bitter towards him, and at the same time I love him every day more than the one before. I am in constant highs and lows, sometimes giggling on the sofa for hours and being the happiest person in the world, then crushing down in the loo and crying my heart out in a bitter, desperate, snotty bawling session. I have become this dysfunctional, bipolar person. Sometimes he sees part of this but more of the time I am just sad on my own. Then he makes me happy within 5 seconds of arriving. Then I get sad again.
And I dont know what to do. And why it hurts me so much. And why I seem to be unable to wait. I tried talking it out. To my sister, to him (to different extents). Ive been honest with him. Maybe too honest. Maybe I am fucking this up right now. Maybe I am spoiling the relationship for myself. I tried meditating. I tried refocussing. Working out. Playing video games. Working like there's no tomorrow. Starving myself and focussing on weight loss. Overeating. All sorts of distraction techniques. Not bringing up for x days. And I am still bloody defective, I cant seem to get out of it, this man loves me to death and makes a beautiful dinner for me with roses and chocolate and ALL i can think about it that ~I am bitter that he is not proposing and that he disappoints me. What kind of a defective and ugly person am I? How do I get out of this?
I have reached rock bottom this week. I have even contemplated breaking up with the most amazing person I will ever know, because at one point I thought even alone is better than this pain. What in the world is going on with me? I am a stable, excited, happy person normally. This cannot continue. Something has to happen. If it doesnt, I will drive him away. Even I wouldnt put up with my bitter desperation, and i cant expect him to. I am trying - I know some people dont believe in "trying", but I am doing all sorts of things to work this out of me, and its not going away. People are telling me to be patient. But for some reason it doesnt seem to be an option. I feel like if I go to this summer's 4 weddings - all of them friends - my heart will just break into two from jealousy - and I could spit on myself for these thoughts. I feel like I am making effort and still auditioning, i feel like i already messed it up with these conversations, I feel like even if it happens, even if it happens soon, it will be spoilt now, and it will be nobody's fault but mine. .
And he doesnt do anything wrong. He talks to me. He opens up. He is honest, transparent, romantic, open, encouraging, loving, amazing. And I am like that with him too, or at least I hope I am. This man is the love of my life. In 50 years' time, it won't matter whether we got engaged today, tomorrow or a year from now. I know this. My brain knows this. But something stupid, ugly, idiotic in me just wont accept it. Please help me. Say something, anything, be rude, or be nice, just tell me what you think - I will try anything. Promise.