Brother Gets Engaged Less than Week after I set my Wedding Date

JAMMS · May 2013

In December, 2012, I got engaged and then as we started planning an engagement party that would have been in March, 2013 and the Wedding, my Dad was diagnosed very unexpectedly with cancer and had to start chemotherapy treatment right away and he just has his last chemo session a couple of weeks ago. Throughout his chemo, I spent alot of time at my parents house, helping clean,cook etc and had to be emotionally strong for them. My only sibling lives very far from my parents and I live near them. My sibling visited my parents once during the treatment for 3 days, the trip was also work related. I was a bit disappointed in my sibling's involvement during our father's chemo, my opinion he could have even by phone made more effort. And throughout the treatment, not once did my sibling call me, nor show any appreciation for my helping our parents and putting my wedding aside. I have had to deal with a chronic condition (Epilepsy) for almost 30 years, including unsuccessful brain surgery ten years ago, so when I was proposed to it felt great to finally have a happy time in my life, after the battles I have been through. And honestly it felt great to get attention for something other than my health and having a reason to celebrate. I have for so long felt like a disappoint to my family and compared to my sibling, who is very well educated and extremely successful in the medical field, I hear my parents boasting about his accomplishments often. So even when I got engaged, the expressions on my parents faces and something positive being the focus, felt good. My engagement and marriage is going to be the one celebration in my adulthood, as I decided to have a permanent birth control procedure done, because of my medical condition.

Last week, after the months that were hard in which I had to stay strong for my parents, help my parents and be sure to make time for my fiance, while caring for my Dad, we finally were able to set a date for wedding and sign contract of location of wedding. Then less than one week after I set the date of wedding and even put a pause on my engagement, including cancelling engagement party date originally, my brother calls my parents yesterday announcing he proposed to his girlfriend. I felt it was a bit selfish of him to propose not even a week after I knew my wedding date and have not had an engagement party and none of the family has met her. Am I wrong to feel my brother is being selfish?

tiny speck · May 2013

I'm very sorry to hear about your health issues and those of your dad.

That said, none of it excuses the selfish and entitled attitude that comes across in your post. You have been engaged for months. Your brother is not stealing your thunder. He and anyone else you know can get engaged whenever they feel like it.

Further, you are not due an engagement party, certainly should not be planning one yourself, and frankly, I think the appropriate time for one has passed. Generally such parties should be within a month or so of the engagement. Look forward to your wedding now. Lots of people (myself included) do not have engagement parties, and for me at least I think it made our wedding that much more special.

Teddy917 · May 2013

In a word, yes. And the fact that you're the one helping your parents has nothing to do with it. So what he got engaged a week after you decided on your wedding date. He didn't even do it a week after you got engaged (even that would be a stupid thing to fuss over). You deciding on a wedding date is a big deal to you, but probably not so much to him. Sure he might have been excited when you became engaged but expecting him to wait to propose is like expecting him to wait to propose until a month after you've finished making your favors.
Be excited for him. Maybe if you get along with his Fi, you could talk wedding together.

Xstatic3333 · May 2013

I am so sorry about your dad's struggles. It is so hard being a caregiver for a loved one with cancer.

That said, I also don't think your brother did anything wrong. He lives far away, so it makes sense nobody has met his FI yet. I know tensions must be high right now, but I would try to be happy for him. Two wonderful celebrations are now coming up for your family! Also, it's possible that your dad's health played into the timing of your brother's proposal as well.

Also, I would not plan your own engagement party. It comes off as gift-grabby, even if not meant that way. Stick around TK, I've gotten lots of great advice that has kept me from making similar blunders and also made my planning much easier!

kmmssg · May 2013

JAMMS said:

In December, 2012, I got engaged and then as we started planning an engagement party that would have been in March, 2013 and the Wedding, my Dad was diagnosed very unexpectedly with cancer and had to start chemotherapy treatment right away and he just has his last chemo session a couple of weeks ago. Throughout his chemo, I spent alot of time at my parents house, helping clean,cook etc and had to be emotionally strong for them. My only sibling lives very far from my parents and I live near them. My sibling visited my parents once during the treatment for 3 days, the trip was also work related. I was a bit disappointed in my sibling's involvement during our father's chemo, my opinion he could have even by phone made more effort. And throughout the treatment, not once did my sibling call me, nor show any appreciation for my helping our parents and putting my wedding aside. I have had to deal with a chronic condition (Epilepsy) for almost 30 years, including unsuccessful brain surgery ten years ago, so when I was proposed to it felt great to finally have a happy time in my life, after the battles I have been through. And honestly it felt great to get attention for something other than my health and having a reason to celebrate. I have for so long felt like a disappoint to my family and compared to my sibling, who is very well educated and extremely successful in the medical field, I hear my parents boasting about his accomplishments often. So even when I got engaged, the expressions on my parents faces and something positive being the focus, felt good. My engagement and marriage is going to be the one celebration in my adulthood, as I decided to have a permanent birth control procedure done, because of my medical condition.
Last week, after the months that were hard in which I had to stay strong for my parents, help my parents and be sure to make time for my fiance, while caring for my Dad, we finally were able to set a date for wedding and sign contract of location of wedding. Then less than one week after I set the date of wedding and even put a pause on my engagement, including cancelling engagement party date originally, my brother calls my parents yesterday announcing he proposed to his girlfriend. I felt it was a bit selfish of him to propose not even a week after I knew my wedding date and have not had an engagement party and none of the family has met her. Am I wrong to feel my brother is being selfish?

Yes, you are wrong. When my uncle who raised me was dying of cancer I traveled 600 miles round trip every other weekend to be with him and help where I could until he died. He had 3 daughters - his bio daughter, his stepdaughter, and his niece daughter. We were all his daughters in his eyes. The only one who didn't make any effort to come see him or at least get on the phone with our other sister just to be a listening ear was the bio daughter. I am telling you this to let you know I understand your frustration with your brother.

That frustration doesn't have a thing to do with your wedding and his engagement. You have your special someone and he has found his. You are both engaged at the proper times of your lives. Congratulations!!

You are coming across as entitled and selfish as pp stated. I'm sorry your brother wasn't more helpful and attentive during your father's chemo but your health situation and your brother's absence during your father's illness don't have anything to do with your engagement or wedding date.

Also, engagement parties are hosted by someone for you, you do not host those yourself. I also agree that that ship has sailed now. It is no big deal. I never had an e-party, I don't know anyone who had an e-party, and I've never been to one and I am in my 50's.

Take a breath, refocus on your entire family and be happy your brother has found someone who makes him as happy as your FI makes you.

allispain · May 2013

I empathize with the frustration you felt over being the caregiver for your dad while your brother was largely uninvolved. However, that it a separate issue from your wedding. Yes, you post-poned your engagement party and you didn't set a date right away - but lots of people don't even have engagement parties (myself included) and it can take some couples months to set a date if they don't jump head first into wedding planning right away. Sometimes life happens and you have to put something off a little, but that's not your brother's fault. Also, I highly doubt he was trying to steal your thunder by proposing a week after you set the date. Guys don't usually think like that, for one thing, and for another, how many people did you tell that you set the date? When we set ours, I told my BMs and my mom, and that was it, since it was a year in advance and we were planning on doing STDs.

mlg78 · May 2013

I get what you're saying...and it does suck. My fiane's cousin (his BM) proposed and has set the date just two weeks after our wedding date and they even have the same colors. I was uspet that night...but I got over it. We're going to have our day, they will have theirs. Instead, I've been able to benefit by them retaining the same vendors (florist, photographer, DJ, etc.) and who has gotten a discount? Us.

Bottom line: It's not ideal but it's not the end of the world, either. On YOUR wedding day, it won't matter at all.

crunchymamaof2 · May 2013

I'm so sorry about health issues (I'm in a similar boat with the health) and about your father and family. I totally understand why you're upset, and I'm sure a lot of people would get a little angry initially, especially after all the stress you've been under. Take the moment to feel sad and then let it go. He did nothing wrong and you really don't have the right to be/stay upset with him. You've been engaged for awhile now; he has every right to get engaged any time he wants. You'll still have your wedding day and him being engaged will not upstage your wedding day. Now just enjoy being engaged and like a PP said, maybe someone will throw you a bridal shower.

JAMMS · May 2013

Thanks everyone for your honest advice. I am sorry I seem so selfish in my feelings of this, thinking about it I think behind these feelings is the anger I have of my brother not helping during my Dad's chemo treatments for 5 months. People who know me, know stress, doing too much etc increase my seizures and that certainly became the case for me, with my seizures. But I would not give up on helping my Dad.
As of engagement party, I am sorry I was unclear in originally posting, we were not hosting it, my fiance's parents had planned to.

Thanks for your honest candid responses, it has me thinking more.

MuppetFan · May 2013

I'm sorry what you are going through, but no, your brother hasn't done anything wrong and I hope that you can replace your anger for his engagement with happiness for this wonderful news in his life. His life is just as important as yours and it's appropriate that he shared his engagement with you're family when he did. I understand the stress, but this isn't one of those things that is worth negative feelings. Just plan your wedding as you would, you set the date first so he knows which date to avoid. You'll have a beautiful day.

MoxieMickie · May 2013

You sound like a caring person, so I'm guessing you would not want your brother to damage his relationship with his girlfriend by waiting however long to propose or keep a secret from his family in order to avoid stealing your thunder. Setting a date does not seem like the big deal to me that it seems to be for you, since it does not sound like that you would get married was in doubt. I get it. He's out of town and isn't doing enough in your mind. You consider him more successful and getting married was your unique thing. Your certainly are allowed to feel whatever you want, but, as you seem to surmise, expecting him not to propose to give you a suitable length of time to bask in the attention of setting a date is not reasonable.

LAM524 · May 2013

Jamms...Congrats on setting your date and contracting your venue!! What an exciting move forward for you and your fiance!!!!! I am so sorry for your families struggles and am hoping your dad is doing well. I too took care of my dad while he was fighting cancer and do know what is it like to put my life on hold because of illness. I will not say that your feelings are wrong. They are your feelings. What I will say is that your fathers illness was/is a family affair. Im certain it had an impact on everyone. Your brother living farther away and having a "successful" career seems to have made it difficult for him to participate in assisting your parents. Thank God they have you. Im sure this was/is a great comfort to them and your brother. Im sure he must have felt helpless at times.

One thing the I learned during my own fathers struggles was that there are no instructional books on how to deal with our feelings. There truly are no right or wrongs when we are processing a loved ones illness and possible demise. I have 4 other siblings. 4 of us lived in the same town as my dad while one lived out of state. My brothers didnt come around much and my sister called once in a great while. They used me as a gauge. They checked in with me for updates. Rarely did they visit with him. They just couldnt handle seeing him sick. Like my siblings, maybe yours felt like you had everything under control. Maybe, like mine, your brother couldnt handle your dads illness as you were able too. When some of us are faced with a mountain, we climb it, Straight up! While others, walk around it the best way they know how. You have been climbing a mountain called Epilepsy all of your life. From your personal struggles with health issues, you gained wonderful strength and insight that you are able to use to help your parents, and others.

Either way, there is no way your brother is unaffected. He is yours and your brothers father. You have his illness and fears in common. Just as you need something wonderful to celebrate, Im sure your brother does too. You both deserve to have some happiness in your lives.

Be happy for your brother and yourself. Be happy for your parents. They have both of their childrens happiness and future to celebrate. I dont know how your father is doing but Im sure it pleases him (and your mom) and gives him some comfort knowing that you both have found someone to spend the rest of your lives with.

Your brothers success is his just as yours, belongs to you. Any feelings you may have of inadequacies (from your parents boastings about your brother etc) should have nothing to do with your sibling relationship or love. As a parent, I cant imagine that your parents meant to harm your esteem as they built him up. Im sure they have struggled with worries for you regarding your illness and struggled with worries for your brother in other areas. Thats what parents do. Im sure they have celebrated accomplishments that you have made, just as they have celebrated his accomplishments.

You all have so much to celebrate, on some many levels. Dont let illness, past or present, take the joys from your family. You all need them!

As far as celebrating your engagement, you have had extraordinary circumstances that prevented a "timely" engagement party. I feel, you have every right to go ahead a celebrate it whenever you like. Congrats again to you and your family. Great things are ahead!!!

misssunshine17 · May 2013

Your bother's life does not stop because you are getting married. Reread your post and think about how utterly childish and selfish you sound. It's not a flattering look on a bride.

swimmy1988 · May 2013

Getting married shouldn't be a race between two siblings. It should be about planning an event to commit to your SO for the rest of your life, giving yourself enough time to plan comfortably.

There's no rule that says if one sibling was engaged on a certain date and set their wedding date that another sibling can't do so in the same year. As long as your brother takes note of when your wedding day is and plans for a different day, it should be fine.

thejucheidea · May 2013

I agree with Stage. My mom had brain surgery to remove a tumor at the base of her skull in February. I worked ten hours a day as a cancer nurse and still managed to spend 2-3 hours a day with her on work days and 4-5 or more hours a day on weekends while she was in three weeks of rehab. My sister, who doesn't have a job and goes to classes maybe 3-4 hours a day three days a week barely came to visit her at all despite going to school less than a mile from the hospital.

While I think she should have come to the hospital more because it was the right thing to do, she just kinda generally sucks in general, so I can't be mad at her for who she is. I chose to take care of my parents during that time because they needed me and I had the ability to care for them and provide relevant information to their situation. My sister and I have very different personalities, and it's not in her personality to care for people who are ill. It scares her, and instead of learning from it, she chooses to ignore it. Whatever, at least my parents have me.

And I cried when my sister got engaged before me, but it was because I hate her fiance so much that I can't imagine him ever being called my brother-in-law. What a nightmare.

RebeccaB88 · May 2013

Taking the wedding stuff out of the equation for the moment, I can promise you, your parents both know who has been there for them and who hasn't. They've noticed everything you've done for them. They remember the times you pushed yourself too far to do something they needed done, and had a seizure. They KNOW you have been there. They also know what your brother has and hasn't done. Even if they have said nothing about any of it, they do know and they will remember. Yes, it would be nice if they said something to you (I don't know if they have, you didn't really talk about that in your OP) about how much you've done for them. Maybe at some point they will. But regardless of your brother's accomplishments, you know in your head and your heart that you did the right thing by your parents, and you did what you wanted to do for them, and that is something that you can be proud of. And regardless, they are proud of you for doing it. Your brother makes his own decisions and he has to live with them.

Now, shake it off and go plan your wedding and don't worry about your brother. All he's done is proposed. You have a date and a contract signed.

tinambride · May 2013

You've received a lot of responses and I'm sure they have you thinking. I'm sorry for everything you've been through. My mom had cancer when I was in high school. I was the only family member living at home at the time and I know how difficult that can be. You are a good daughter and you should be proud of that.

My bigger concern is the level of expectation you're placing on this wedding/marriage. You should not consider this your sole celebration in adulthood. So you can't have children. I likely can't either. That doesn't mean you have nothing in life to celebrate. I would focus less on feeling sorry for yourself and spend more time enjoying yourself. You have a lot of life ahead of you and if you consider your wedding the high point, and the only reason for celebration, then you're looking at a long and grueling life and marriage ahead of you. My advice is to try and have some fun and enjoy yourself more in everything you do. It'll make every celebration in your life more enjoyable.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

I agree with PP, but just wanted to add a perspective you may not have considered: Your brother may be worried that your father's health won't stay good for long, and wants to have him at his wedding.

Please try not to let your anger about the sibling rivalry cloud your vision over something that is perfectly reasonable for your brother to worry about and want. If my father was in bad health, I'd step things up so he could be at my wedding too.

Sierra524 · May 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

I agree with PP, but just wanted to add a perspective you may not have considered: Your brother may be worried that your father's health won't stay good for long, and wants to have him at his wedding.

Please try not to let your anger about the sibling rivalry cloud your vision over something that is perfectly reasonable for your brother to worry about and want. If my father was in bad health, I'd step things up so he could be at my wedding too.

I agree with all the PPs, but especially this. Pele has a really good point, he could just want your dad to be able to be there at his wedding as well.

nextrightthing · May 2013

I agree with PPs. Aside from all the wedding stuff, you need to move past the jealousy and resentment you have with your brother if you want to be happy in life.

sdg2502 · May 2013

I don't have anything useful to add although I really sympathise with your situation. I also just wanted to say though, @LAM2228 that was a brilliant post and I'm sure what you've said will strike a chord with the OP.

LAM524 · May 2013

Thanks sdg2502

It is such a difficult role reversal when we become our parents caregivers. Those of us to "choose" to assist do turn our ball of emotions, exhaustion, anger, fear, jealousy on others who arent "stepping up." Its so sad because at a time we need our siblings the most, we lash out or bottle up and those poisons can cause a forever rift.

When I "stepped up" to help my dying dad, it gave my siblings the right to go on with their lives. He was being taken care of. In essence, my role, gave them a choice. The amazing thing about my experience is that my Mom also "backed away." She would literally step off the elevator at the hospital and see me talking with the doctor then (I would see her see us) make a quick sharp turn in the opposite direction. She just couldnt handle it.

It is very interesting how spouses deal with fatal illness and how us children deal with that same trauma. In college I passed out a survey on Euthanasia (assisted suicide) 1000 students of all ages, races, religious belief etc. filled it out and returned it to me. (I was very surprised to get all of them back) My findings were remarkable. I had about 50 questions all pertaining to assisted suicide of an ill/dying spouse and parent(s). 94% of the subjects showed that they would assist their dying spouse vs. assisting their dying parent(s)!! Wow!!!!! Mind you, this scenario was presented as if both spouse and parent(s) had made their wishes clearly known. One thing this shows me is how strong in denial us children can be in dealing with a parents illness. So remarkable!

StPaul0102 · May 2013

LAM2228 said:

Thanks sdg2502 It is such a difficult role reversal when we become our parents caregivers. Those of us to "choose" to assist do turn our ball of emotions, exhaustion, anger, fear, jealousy on others who arent "stepping up." Its so sad because at a time we need our siblings the most, we lash out or bottle up and those poisons can cause a forever rift.

When I "stepped up" to help my dying dad, it gave my siblings the right to go on with their lives. He was being taken care of. In essence, my role, gave them a choice. The amazing thing about my experience is that my Mom also "backed away." She would literally step off the elevator at the hospital and see me talking with the doctor then (I would see her see us) make a quick sharp turn in the opposite direction. She just couldnt handle it.

It is very interesting how spouses deal with fatal illness and how us children deal with that same trauma. In college I passed out a survey on Euthanasia (assisted suicide) 1000 students of all ages, races, religious belief etc. filled it out and returned it to me. (I was very surprised to get all of them back) My findings were remarkable. I had about 50 questions all pertaining to assisted suicide of an ill/dying spouse and parent(s). 94% of the subjects showed that they would assist their dying spouse vs. assisting their dying parent(s)!! Wow!!!!! Mind you, this scenario was presented as if both spouse and parent(s) had made their wishes clearly known. One thing this shows me is how strong in denial us children can be in dealing with a parents illness. So remarkable!

I'm so glad you said this and I really hope the OP takes it to heart! My mom passed away when I was in high school and in her last few months I did not leave her bedside. I was there for EVERYTHING and became bitter that my sister seemed relatively uninterested. At the time it seemed that she was more interested in spending time with her boyfriend then helping my mom and I just let it fester until it made me very angry towards her when we really needed each other most. But, towards the end, I really started to see that she just simply could not handle it. It was too hard for her to see, too much for her to feel. I felt so badly about how much I judged her. We were both just doing what we needed to do to deal with it all- I needed to be there every minute, she needed to escape. There was no right or wrong.

Now, nearly 10 years later, I am engaged and my little sister is pregnant with the first grandbaby. After a momentary twinge of jealousy and worrying about spot-light stealing I looked around and realized how blessed our family is. After everything we've been through, we can now have a year filled with joy and excitement and celebrations. I hope, in time, OP can feel the same!

LAM524 · May 2013

@StPaul...Congrats Auntie!!!!! Im sorry you lost your Mom at such an early age. Im sure your presence was a comfort and safety to her. Just like your care for her was a comfort to your family. Im sure she is smiling down on you and will be right beside you at the "alter!" An honor that our living relatives do not get to do!!! Thank God!!!! hahaha!!!

I agree..there is no right or wrong although we do feel rights and wrongs! One thing Id like to add, our feelings and jealousies about "spot light stealing" are the work of the "evil one"....trying to steal of joy! We can never let evil win!

Congrats and blessings to you and yours for a bright and exciting future!!!

annmarie714 · May 2013

Build a bridge and get over it.

Are you going to get mad if they book a florist the same week you book a baker for your cake? I mean, it's a totally legit reason to get mad...

TheBaysideBride · May 2013

I don't think you're being selfish, i think this is a very emotional time for you and just when you finally could relax and celebrate, something else happens.

I have a similar sibling, who asked FI when he was proposing to me, and then proposed to his girlfriend a week before us (after lying to FI's face and saying he was doing it 3 months later). It was frustrating, and yes, I cried about it to a girlfriend, but then I just had to get over it. (and he set his wedding date before mine.)

You clearly love your father, so think about this from his perspective -- he now gets to celebrate both of his children getting married - although it doesn't feel this way now, it's a very, very happy time for your entire family. You'll have a very special day, and so will your brother, and I promise you his wedding will not take away from yours, or your events. Everyone is on thier own timeline (as I'm typing this, I'm remembering that FI proposed to me a month before his sister's wedding, adn they are very very close and she was fine w/ it. She didn't feel like it took the spotlight off her, because really, how much spotlight does one person need).

CONGRATS on the upcoming wedding, and I admire the strength you were able to give your family.

JAMMS · June 2013

Thank you TheBaysideBride, I appreciate your understanding... As I have thought about this more, I realize part of my feeling as I do about my brother's timing of getting engaged is 1) I have had many challenges in my life I had no control of changing such as Epilepsy, then in 2003 having brain surgery (temporal lobectomy) with doctors telling me the surgery would stop my seizures therefore improve the quality and opportunities in my life, unfortunately that was not the outcome, instead my seizures continued, post brain surgery my memory (especially short term memory) has declined, difficulty with cognition (even after rehabilitation such as Cognition Remediation Therapy) and diagnosed with mild brain injury, so I am unable to work and am on social security disability income. Before the surgery I was a teacher and loved it. Still today doctors are trying to ind how to control my seizures and improve other things. It has been a battle and for along time one of my biggest fears was ability to find a man to love and accept my disability. I felt finally something positive in my life to celebrate, attention not because of my seizures causing me to have to go to ER, not because I am trying another medical treatment but because of something positive.

My dad's cancer of course was most important, I would do anything for my dad, my brother only visited our parents once during the 6 months of chemo (for 2 days and trip work related), but able to make time or trips often with his now fiance', not returning any of my calls during our dad's cancer treatment nor even giving me any acknowledgment for being there for our parents. Also none of my family has met my brother's fiance' nor has my brother met any of his fiance's family. Seems odd to me, especially combined with there dating less than one year, living in separate states (one in Hawaii the other in California).

My brother has always been the successful, intelligent one, my parents boast about his accomplishments often, even though emotionally he is not there for my parents. I was just hoping for once to have attention for a positive reason, without feeling my brother is competition or the spotlight.

Maybe I am selfish in some people's views but doesn't everyone deserve positive attention in life?

Kate61487 · June 2013

JAMMS said:

[.....]
Maybe I am selfish in some people's views but doesn't everyone deserve positive attention in life?

Yes and no. Yes: people hopefully surround themselves with positive influences, who appreciate what they do, love them for who they are, make them feel good about themselves, etc.

No: IMO, no one deserves anything. If you want positive attention you need to surround yourself with people who will give you that, not expect someone who's never indicated they will to suddenly change. Presumably you're not helping your parents for the praise (if so, clearly that's not working out so you should re-think your strategy) - so remember why you ARE doing it and embrace that.

Are you really mad at your brother for getting engaged? or are you mad at your parents for a lifetime of feeling like second place? Because your brother hasn't done anything wrong...

Viczaesar · June 2013

Kate61487 said:

JAMMS said:

[.....]
Maybe I am selfish in some people's views but doesn't everyone deserve positive attention in life?

Yes and no. Yes: people hopefully surround themselves with positive influences, who appreciate what they do, love them for who they are, make them feel good about themselves, etc.
No: IMO, no one deserves anything. If you want positive attention you need to surround yourself with people who will give you that, not expect someone who's never indicated they will to suddenly change. Presumably you're not helping your parents for the praise (if so, clearly that's not working out so you should re-think your strategy) - so remember why you ARE doing it and embrace that.
Are you really mad at your brother for getting engaged? or are you mad at your parents for a lifetime of feeling like second place? Because your brother hasn't done anything wrong...

This bears repeating.

runpipparun · June 2013

I agree with the above. My brother and I got engaged at the same time. He, after dating his now-wife for 7 years, and I, after being with my FI for about 6 months (I'm 30). There was no issue at all. His wife wasn't jealous, I wasn't jealous. Her family wasn't mad at us for "thunder stealing." My brother wasn't mad. In fact, they're overjoyed for us. We're getting married two months after their wedding, and my brother's in-laws are flying across the country to attend our wedding.

There shouldn't be jealousy over this stuff, unless there is underlying jealousy to begin with. It sounds like you have unresolved issues with your brother that are causing you to turn your relationships into a competition for attention. That's not healthy.

It sounds a bit like, while your intentions were initially good, you could be suffering from caregiver burnout. Take some time off, seek professional help, and re-evalutate why you are doing what you do. If, however, you are caring for your family in the expectation of love, appreciation, and recognition, or to beat your brother in the competition of "who mom and dad appreciate the most," you are doing it for the wrong reason.

Jen4948 · June 2013

Something to think about: If your father has cancer, your brother may have chosen now to get engaged in the hopes that your father will still be there for him at the time of his wedding. Wouldn't it be very hard for your brother to not have his father there, just as it would be for you not to have your father there for you?

Rather than feel jealous or angry at your brother under the circumstances, I'd try to be supportive.

Brother Gets Engaged Less than Week after I set my Wedding Date

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