Asking friends for help

alexandrasmith1 · May 2013

Hello!

My fiance and I are on a tight budget, and thankfully we have a lot of talented friends! I was just wondering when the best time would be to ask them for help? We have set a date, but it is not for over 14 months so no invitations have been sent yet. We would love to ask one of our friends to do our cake for us (just a small one) and another friend to do my hair. When do you think is the appropriate time to ask them if they are willing to do it, right away or once we send save-the-dates or invites?

Thank you!

NYCMercedes · May 2013

alexandrasmith1 said:

Hello!

My fiance and I are on a tight budget, and thankfully we have a lot of talented friends! I was just wondering when the best time would be to ask them for help? We have set a date, but it is not for over 14 months so no invitations have been sent yet. We would love to ask one of our friends to do our cake for us (just a small one) and another friend to do my hair. When do you think is the appropriate time to ask them if they are willing to do it, right away or once we send save-the-dates or invites?

Thank you!

I recommend waiting until they offer.

MsYeck · May 2013

Unless you are looking to hire them (as in pay them) you dont ask, EVER! Now if they chose to offer help without you asking that is acceptable. I'm sorry but your probably not going to like the responses you get. We tell it to people bluntly here.

QueerFemme · May 2013

alexandrasmith1 said:

Hello!

My fiance and I are on a tight budget, and thankfully we have a lot of talented friends! I was just wondering when the best time would be to ask them for help? We have set a date, but it is not for over 14 months so no invitations have been sent yet. We would love to ask one of our friends to do our cake for us (just a small one) and another friend to do my hair. When do you think is the appropriate time to ask them if they are willing to do it, right away or once we send save-the-dates or invites?

Thank you!

Are you planning to ask them as a "favor" or are you planning to ask them to be a vendor. If it's a favor, don't ask. Wait to see if they offer. If you want them to be a vendor, and you plan on paying their their regular rate, you can ask them now

alexandrasmith1 · May 2013

I absolutely do not except to recieve their talent for free! I should have been more clear in my wording, sorry! Asking them to do it would be more of a honor for us to have people we love involved, rather than a stranger. Even if they offered to do it for free, we would still pay for supplies (i.e. ingredients for the cake). I was just not sure if it is too early to bring it (hiring them) up or not.

Thanks for your replies!

cbrown828 · May 2013

Liatris2010 said:

So, in general I think it is fine to ask people for help. For example, we asked my uncle to pick up the flowers. It saved us the delivery charge and he lives in the same town as the florist. If he said no, we would have paid to have it delivered. NBD.

But when you say you have talented friends, it makes me think you are asking for more than a small favor. Talented chef? You can't ask him to cater. Talented photographer? You can't ask her to do your photos. Those sorts of things are not favors, they are big undertakings, and people doing those things need to be compensated for their time. If they wanted to cater or photograph your wedding as a gift, they'd offer. You shouldn't ask.

Agreed. I also think the closeness of your relationship matters. Don't ask a VIP family member/friend who happens to also be a talented photographer/etc to photograph your wedding. If they'd ordinarily be invited as a guest, don't hire them. They'll miss the celebration while they're working it. Smaller things like picking up an item or helping with DIY stuff (if they offer!) is fine.

misssunshine17 · May 2013

There's a difference between a favor and a vendor. Big things I think a no nos to ask people are catering, photography and cakes.

I'm with Liatris that I don't think some things are a big deal. FI's uncle has a fancy video camera and we asked him to set up his tape before the ceremony, but after that he'll just sit. We'll be giving him a $50+ gift card.

Jen4948 · May 2013

To be honest, I would not ask close friends or family members to "work" your wedding. They want to enjoy themselves and mingle with other guests, which they can't do or may have a hard time doing if they're in the kitchen or behind a camera. If someone volunteers, you can figure out if you want to hire them (I'd definitely offer to pay them market rate for their services and get a signed contract), but I think it's better in the long run to just let people who would ordinarily be guests be guests.

allispain · May 2013

Talk to them about it around a year out. Since you're planning on paying them as vendors and they will be doing their work before the actual wedding itself, and not working during it, I'd say that's fine. I would definitely still do a written contract, though, to make it official. Since they're friends as well as vendors, I'd also give them a very nice, handwritten note afterwards, separate from the thank you note you'll send them for whatever wedding gift they may send.

winelover123 · May 2013

Don't ask someone to work your wedding. If they offer, great. Feel free to accept, but get them a nice thank you gift. I know you said you're on a tight budget, but why would you want your friends to work your wedding? My uncle offered to do our photography, but we didn't want him to have to work our entire reception and ceremony. Don't get me wrong, I think you can always ask friends to help out. But you're asking them to work.

I saw your update, but I'm still a little foggy on the terms - would you be paying them as vendors? Or just paying supplies? If you are hiring them as vendors, write up a contract.

theretamaragoes · May 2013

I am a photographer and I have had several friends ask me to shoot their weddings. Sometimes I say no.. sometimes I say yes. From a personal stand point, I DO enjoy working with friends and being part of their big day in that capacity. It's nice to feeling like I am contributing to their memories, and generally playing an important role in the big day.

The downside is that as a Photographer, I am completely UNABLE to enjoy the day 'as a guest'. Every one of my friends have said, "When you are done shooting, put down the camera and enjoy the reception"... But I'll be honest-- it's not that easy. I've been shooting all day, I'm TIRED. Also, the guests now view me as "the photographer" so all evening long (whether I have a camera in hand or not) people are asking me to take photos of them, or point out "good shots" (groan!) etc.

It is completely impossible to attend a wedding as both an All-day Photographer and also a Guest.

I would caution against asking close friends to do BIG jobs like Photography, Videography, Event Planning, etc... However, asking them about smaller tasks (hair, makeup, making a cake, etc) is something totally different. In those cases they could contribute, but still attend the wedding as a guest and have FUN.

Approach them, compliment their skill, express what an honor it would be to have them do ________ for your wedding & then ask about HIRING them for your big day. Chances are likely they will extend some sort of discount your way... Buuuuut, be willing to pay their normal, full price, should they charge that.

adamnash3309 · May 2013

I haven't read every word of every post so forgive me if this has been said already.

I just wanted to remind you to be careful...your friends may be very talented, but it's a whole different thing when you're seeing their work for someone else than for yourself. If you end up hating something they do, feelings can (and likely will) get hurt. At that point you could easily find yourself without a stylist/photographer/cake creator/whatever AND without a friend.

CheleLyn · May 2013

You can really only ask people to do these things for your wedding if you're willing to hire them to do it. If they offer to do these things, you can gladly accept, but you shouldn't outright ask anyone to do wedding favors for you.

That's what I did...One of Jason's friend's wife is a hairdresser so I asked her what her fee is so I can work it into the budget. She actually refused the pay and has offered to do the hair for all the bridesmaids as her personal gift to me. I will still be getting her a little something extra to show my appreciation.

Edited bc I forgot to quote

[Deleted User] · May 2013

There is nothing wrong with asking your friends who are talented if they would be willing to do different things for you for an agreed upon rate. You trust them and know what kind of work they do and know they would have your best interest in heart while doing the work.

I would ask them probably around the 10-11 month mark. This way if they aren't able to do it for you for whatever reason, you'll have enough time to find other options.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

A good friend of ours owns a catering company and is doing the food/open bar for our wedding (by far our biggest contract). We're using her because we trust her, NOT because of a "friend discount" or anything like that. She asked us if she could discount everything, but we declined - sometimes friendships can get messy when you mix them with business/special favors/etc. and it's not worth saving a few bucks.

If budget is tight for you, check out the Budget Board. You'll find really fun ways to save money on everything.

If you are going to ask them, I'd just make sure you treat it like any other vendor. As far as when, you can sign on vendors any time you want. Generally, I've found the Knot wedding timelines really helpful in figuring out when I should do what: http://planning.theknot.com/wedding-checklist/due-date

alexandrasmith1 · May 2013

My MOH is an esthetician and has volunteered to do my make up and nails. This was so kind of her! She lives 10 hours away but I trust her so much (obviously haha)! So I would love for her to do it for me. Another good friend is a hair stylist. I will ask her what her Rate is for sure! I agree that guests should be attending the wedding, not really working it, so I will be seeking other vendors for things such as photography and catering (catering will actually be done by my venue). Thank you all for the great advice!

tinambride · May 2013

Out of curiosity, how do people feel about asking friends to sing or play instruments during your ceremony? Is this appropriate and should you offer to pay them? They are not professional musicians so I'm not sure either of us would know the appropriate rate.

LAM524 · May 2013

I think it is very appropriate for friends to sing or play an instrument at your ceremony. Its common. I see it at our church weddings all the time (there is no monetary compensation). Much like a friend or family member getting up and reading something during the ceremony.

Regarding your question about "appropriate rate"...honestly there isn't one because they are not professionals. How do you rate an amateur? A thank you gift?

Are these friends also invited to your reception?

tinambride said:

Out of curiosity, how do people feel about asking friends to sing or play instruments during your ceremony? Is this appropriate and should you offer to pay them? They are not professional musicians so I'm not sure either of us would know the appropriate rate.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

tinambride said:

Out of curiosity, how do people feel about asking friends to sing or play instruments during your ceremony? Is this appropriate and should you offer to pay them? They are not professional musicians so I'm not sure either of us would know the appropriate rate.

FI and I are musicians, and have asked 5 friends that are a mix of professional and semi-professionals. They're all refusing payment, because we're friends. We're planning on getting them gifts, writing good thank you cards, and having them and their SOs join us at the reception.

tinambride · May 2013

Thanks for the feedback! They are definitely going to be invited to the reception and the rehearsal dinner etc (and there will be gifts).

I hadn't considered payment or thought about this being inappropriate until I saw this post. Thanks for the reassurance!

heathertims · May 2013

Like yourself, I am very lucky to have a very talented group of friends.

I approached them early on about using their services, but did not ask as a favour. I have friends and family doing photos, hair, makeup, cake and dessert bar, flowers. Although I have offered to compensate all of them, many of them are offering their services for free, which is very generous. Offer with the intent to pay, and you might be pleasantly surprised. I know I am saving a lot of money because of their generosity, but more than that they are people i can rely on to do a good job. And I would rather have people I love as my "vendors" as opposed to a stranger.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

tinambride said:

Out of curiosity, how do people feel about asking friends to sing or play instruments during your ceremony? Is this appropriate and should you offer to pay them? They are not professional musicians so I'm not sure either of us would know the appropriate rate.

Yes, you should offer to pay them if you ask them to perform a service at your wedding. If they refuse payment, but want to do it anyway, then decide if you're OK with that. Regarding rates, ask for some quotes from professional musicians to get a ballpark estimate and offer them what you think is right.

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