dueling weddings

ashleyp0420 · May 2013

I'm in a bit of a funk and hoping that some of your comments will help me better understand what to do in my situation!

My fiance and I will be having a destination wedding in a few months. (We have been planning our wedding for almost 2 years.) My fiance's sister is newly engaged (2 weeks) and already planning a destination wedding of her own which she wants to take place 2 months after our own destination wedding.

My fiance's relatives are now forced to choose between our weddings and his parents are now putting more effort and energy in to her wedding rather then giving each one equal attention.

I'm also worried because my future MIL is responsible for some of our décor and with her attention focused on her daughters wedding now our stuff may fall through the cracks.

My fiancé and his sister have always been very competitive growing up so I just don't want this to turn into a battle... Am I over reacting or do I need to take some precautions to prevent any drama? I would hate to hear all about her wedding during ours...Is that selfish? Am I being a bridezilla??

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

No, I don't think you're overreacting here, and I am a little surprised that this woman's parents didn't tell her that two forced vacations in two months was way too much for them.

6fsn · May 2013

1. The length of your engagements are not relevant.

2. There will be people that can't make yours for many reasons unrelated to her wedding

3. It's typical for the parents of the bride to put more effort into the wedding. At this point what effort do they need for yours?

4. Things will always fall through the cracks.

5. Adults talk about their lives. Her wedding is part of her life so she'll talk about it.

ashleyp0420 · May 2013

Thanks Return, I was surprised they didn't say much either as I'm sure it's a lot for them.

6fsn - I wasn't trying to say "hey we've been engaged longer"...this isn't tit for tat, I was just trying to show that we had been planning a destination wedding for quite some time now and to throw in another vacation for our families is going to be very difficult.

I have actually had guest who confirmed to our wedding months ago now back out to attend hers so while I understand some people wont be able to attend for a number of reasons, your comment doesn't really apply. What I am saying is a lot of their relatives cannot afford to go to 2 destination weddings within months of each other and this is putting the family in an awkward position.

I also understand that the brides family traditionally does a lot for the wedding however just because her daughter is now having a wedding doesn't mean that her sons means nothing which is how they are now acting.

I also understand things will be missed, fall through the cracks etc...But she asked for the opportunity to do these certain things and they are now to the wayside.

Hope that helps to clarify as I may not have been clear.

PirateBarbie · May 2013

is this like a Wizard's Duel?

ReturnOfKuus said:

...I am a little surprised that this woman's parents didn't tell her that two forced vacations in two months was way too much for them.

that's the part that bothers me. i don't give a damn about the length of time you were engaged - but if i was the parent who was being forced to spend my entire yearly vacation fund (days and time) on my childrens' weddings, i'd be annoyed.

i don't understand a lot of DIY for a DW, when it's just one extra thing to take with you...maybe you should scrap the decorations or make them yourselves.

let your FI focus on the family drama and you just focus on getting stuff done for your wedding.

hmonkey · May 2013

ashleyp0420 said:

What I am saying is a lot of their relatives cannot afford to go to 2 destination weddings within months of each other and this is putting the family in an awkward position.

the awkward position was put in place by you, when you decided that the location was far more important than the attendance of your guests.

ashleyp0420 · May 2013

Hmonkey - We knew that when we chose a destination wedding that some friends/family would not be able to go. My point was that now with 2 destination weddings within months of each other it is forcing our family that ARE planning to attend to have to choose between our wedding an hers because they cannot afford BOTH.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

hmonkey said:

ashleyp0420 said:

What I am saying is a lot of their relatives cannot afford to go to 2 destination weddings within months of each other and this is putting the family in an awkward position.

the awkward position was put in place by you, when you decided that the location was far more important than the attendance of your guests.

This is somewhat true, but the second bride did the same thing, and then compounded the awkwardness by making it within two months of the first wedding. Why no mention of that?

By the way, the family member who said he/she was attending your wedding, and then said no, he's attending your FI's sister's wedding instead? HUGE as$hole. I wouldn't bother with this buffoon ever again.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

I have to admit, I'd RSVP with regrets to both, too. But that might be hard to do if it's two relatives close enough that it's an obligation, like if they're your own kids.

hmonkey · May 2013

i would RSVP to one wedding that i was going to the other, and then do the same for the other wedding.

ashleyp0420 · May 2013

Hmonkey - you did not have to respond to my post. If you don't have anything constructive to say then just stop posting please. I'm too busy whining to have to deal with your rudeness.

jojobrn · May 2013

ashleyp0420 said:

Hmonkey - you did not have to respond to my post. If you don't have anything constructive to say then just stop posting please. I'm too busy whining to have to deal with your rudeness.

Well. She told you.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

hmonkey said:

ashleyp0420 said:

What I am saying is a lot of their relatives cannot afford to go to 2 destination weddings within months of each other and this is putting the family in an awkward position.

the awkward position was put in place by you, when you decided that the location was far more important than the attendance of your guests.

This. When you plan a destination wedding, you automatically exclude some people who can't/won't attend a wedding that requires them to use vacation time and money. You get to plan your wedding; you don't get to plan other people's vacations for them. Some people will choose your wedding, because they knew about it first. Some people will choose which wedding to go to based on where the destination is (i.e., driving to OBX v. flying to Turks & Caicos). Some people will choose which wedding to go to based on which spot is more fun (i.e., Florida v. Finger Lakes). Some people will look at this, throw up their hands and say, "This is ridiculous; this family is acting entitled," and go to neither.

If you're expecting your MIL to do certain things to help, and you're worried that she now won't focus on your wedding as much as you want/need her to, offer to take them over from her. Expect that no one will ever be as interested in your wedding as you and your FI are, and that mothers of the bride are always more interested in daughters' weddings than sons', because traditionally they had more say.

Did your FSIL demonstrate poor judgement? Perhaps. But you said, in your OP, that she has always been competitive with your FI; you had to know that your having a DW would trigger that in her, and trigger her desire to one-up you and your FI.

Also, it's against the TOS to tell a poster not to post, or how to post, or to stop posting, just because you don't like their advice. What @Hmonkey said was true and correct; your not liking it doesn't make it false or wrong.

hmonkey · May 2013

NOLABridesmaid · May 2013

This is something that also can happen when you are planning for a wedding two years in the future. People have babies, get married, get ignorant and you no longer like them. You know, life stuff. I'm sure his parents will show to both weddings. Probably not every family member, but that's how it rolls.

6fsn · May 2013

So where are the destinations?

Wzz · May 2013

if it makes you feel any better, i wouldn't go to either wedding if i were an invited guest. and then i'd either complain that i wouldn't be able to go to either wedding because they are both going to cost me time and money, OR i'd be relieved because this is now TWO complete weddings i am not obligated to attend.

zsazsa-stl · May 2013

I need to know both destinations in order to give an opinion. There is a big difference between a "mountain lodge that requires everyone to drive two hours so you might as well stay the night" and "private island off the shore of Madagascar, you are responsible for hiring your own charter flight, and lodging choices are either $1,500/night at the resort or building your own hut in forest for only $500/night, minimum two week stay."

sarahurban451 · May 2013

Dear Ashley,

I'm with you. This is a wedding-planning *community*--not a snark-fest. Rude isn't helpful and it isn't productive, and I don't like reading those posts. Not here. At cracked.com, maybe. At www.theonion.com, maybe. But not here in the wedding woes forum. And when I look at how long some of these posters have been members, seemingly way past their own wedding dates, it makes me wonder if they aren't getting more caught up in strutting their already-had-a-wedding superiority as opposed to imparting their already-had-a-wedding wisdom...with kindness.

I already get that you knew not everyone could come. I get that you get that and your post isn't about whining that the whole wide world isn't coming. I get a sense that you went into a DW with your eyes open that way.

I am frustrated for you that you "called it first" so to speak to have a destination wedding, and the future SIL, by following so closely behind with her own is creating the greater burden for those who could afford and were planning to attend your wedding. Your wedding was already on the table. Plainly in front of everyone.

I *get* your concern--and I agree with the post(s) that if you're feeling, fretting, starting to get nervous about the possibility of through-the-cracks falling, then take back as much as you can from your MIL. It doesn't seem to bode well that there is a history of sibling competition. No good reason for that competition to rear its head at such an important time in both their lives. So, you're going to have to continue to keep your eyes open to that, too, even as you didn't invite it and you had no real reason to expect it to make an impact like it seems it might. The SIL's plans were a surprise factor. As a second strategy, consider, as one poster said, ways in which you can pare back the DIY aspects and let the destination's beauty and uniqueness do some of the work for you if at all possible. If you're feeling like things might spiral out of control on you, then do what you can to gain some of that control.

Best wishes

Lemclane: gotta say, you're a bit of a mystery to me. You say, "...that mothers of the bride are always more interested in daughters' weddings than sons', because traditionally they had more say" on the one hand and then can't believe my mother (on my own woe post) is getting any say about my own wedding because of the horror that I'm 46. Twenty-six or forty-six, I'm still a first-time bride and this is still my mother's daughter's only wedding and my mother is very traditional. So, two times now, you seem to give advice or impart advice that conflicts or is inconsistent with something else you've said.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

hmonkey said:

This is my favoritest gif ever.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Meme, not gif.

kerbohl · May 2013

OP, you are allowed to be upset about this. Your FSIL's decision to put stress on the family by having her own DW so close to yours was not a wise move on her part. However, there is very little you can do. Maybe, since her engagement is still new, your FI can graciously bring it up to FMIL that you both recognize that she will probably be busy and that perhaps she won't have time to help you as she promised. That way at least you know whether that will fall through, and it is one less thing to worry about.

May I ask why your FSIL is having such a short engagement? From what I understand, it is only four months? Does she feel the need to rush? Because that to me looks suspicious - like she was moving it up close to your wedding because she wanted the attention to focus on her.

6fsn · May 2013

Kerbohl- I wondered about that, but then also figured that if they are going somewhere tropical there may only be a shorter window if they want it to happen this year. So it could be either a 4 month engagement or a 14 month and they don't want to wait a year.

kerbohl · May 2013

Yes, I suppose that would make sense. I always thought that the best time for a tropical vacation was in January or February - you get to escape the winter blahs and go someplace warm, and come back from the wedding with a killer tan. But it really depends where you want to go.

ashleyp0420 · May 2013

Sarahurban - THANK YOU! You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm hear for advice and actually wasn't planning on coming back to this post to comment seeing as how every second response is some stupid clown picture. Your response made me come back and want to answer questions to see if I can get more insight.

To all who have asked, My DW is in florida and my sister in laws will be in California. (our families are from Canada)

She has given us a reason on why they are rushing (their original plan was to be married in a few weeks!) but it doesn't really make any sense to what they are trying to accomplish. We have not questioned them again on their motives as to not rock the boat.

I am actually quite happy for her and glad she is taking the next step in her life. We get along ok for the most part so there is no hate or anything. I guess we are both just upset because 95% of the time all attention is focused on her...It would be nice for my fiancé to feel loved as well and have a special day that is meant just for us, not overshadowed by her or her wedding.

I know there is not much to do here just looking to do some damage control before my fiancé gets any more upset and things get out of hand.

Thank you again.

Heffalump · May 2013

ashleyp0420 said:

Sarahurban - THANK YOU! You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm hear for advice and actually wasn't planning on coming back to this post to comment seeing as how every second response is some stupid clown picture.

I believe the phrase you're searching for is "End of replies!"

VarunaTT · May 2013

There's only one clown picture.

And you're HERE for advice. Trust me, you aren't HEARing the advice we're giving.

Wzz · May 2013

It's really not your place to decide if their reason makes sense or not. regardless if they are being rude by having a DW within months of yours, it's still their decision. it's also not snark to share an opinion that people may not agree with. i often wonder how some people make it through the day without bursting into tears all day long if they get so upset over people posting an opinion they may not appreciate.

i also don't think it is rude if you are having a DW and they also have a DW. why do you get to have one, just because you chose first? then by that logic you can call dibs on any idea no matter where the wedding and they can't choose anything similar. chicken can only be served at one of the weddings!

ashleyp0420 · May 2013

It's not that I didn't care for their advice, I did not appreciate the delivery...It was rude. You get to have your opinion as do I.

I assume that some of you do not read all the original post or the responses because again it's not that I am pissed because my SIL is having a destination wedding too. My fiancé and I are upset because them now having their DW months apart from ours is creating conflict in our family and we want constructive ways to deal with it.

NOLABridesmaid · May 2013

Ashley, I say give yourself a few days to be mad about it(has it been a few days already) and then move to acceptance. It is what it is. The people that want to show will show and the people that don't show, wont.

That's all you can do for your own peace of mind. You can continue to work yourself up about this, but it isn't going to change the situation, and will only take away from this exciting time for you and your FI.

6fsn · May 2013

What exactly is the conflict? The person that cancelled you for them was an ass, but you can't change them. You can say "I'm sorry you won't be with us, but we look forward to seeing you later."

Your MIL is excited for her daughter and I'm guessing the daughter needs more help than you right now. She hasn't dropped the ball on anything. You can either say "I'll take care of décor" so you don't need to worry or you go into thinking if it fails so be it.

A little story: 2 Months before my sister was getting married her fBIL got married in a quickie wedding. At the time she was so mad she couldn't see straight. There was yelling and throwing things and the whole nine yards. 20 years later she laughs at how silly she was. It just doesn't matter in the end.

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