dueling weddings

Heffalump · May 2013

6fsn said:

What exactly is the conflict? The person that cancelled you for them was an ass, but you can't change them.

In theory, I agree completely. In practice, given what I've seen written here, I'm starting to think I'd prefer the other couple, too.

Wzz · May 2013

and if a third couple in ANY of your guests' circles have a destination wedding, they'll now have THREE to choose from. i agree with nola and heffalump that you can be upset as much as you like, but you'll need to move on. i mean really, you originally chose a destination wedding which already puts a burden on your guests' finances. if you really wanted to ensure a solid guest response of mostly YES, then you should have had one local to the majority of guests.

in the end, people will find something to complain about. but i stand by what i meant with any of my replies. regardless if there was this second DW within months of yours, your wedding is still going to be financial burden to anyone attending.

Wzz · May 2013

oh another thing...you have a whole other set of family members who are not on a shared guest list that these people have to deal with. you have no idea what is convenient for them or their own schedules/families.

d2va · May 2013

I wouldnt worry too much about FMIL as Im sure shes very excited that her little princess is getting married. She also knows that you have been planning your wedding for a long time, and may have everything under control. So I wouldnt be too offended about that, but if she did commit to doing something specific for the wedding. I would contact her and as NICE as possible say something the lines of " FMIL, I know that FSIL is getting married and I know that we all have a lot on our plates right now, so I just wanted to check with you if you would still like to do the centerpieces / decorations or if maybe I should do them / hire someone / nix them etc.?"

I do on the other hand think you do have the right to be a little ticked off at the fact that FSIL decided to do a DW very close to yours, KNOWINGLY. I understand what youre saying that now cousins, aunts that may have attended your wedding originally, now feel either OBLIGATED to go to both, or none... or will have to pick one.

Also, have you considered even if FSIL will even be attending your wedding now? I mean if I was planning a wedding of my own under time constraints I dont know if I would be able to afford all things for MY wedding, and then have my brothers wedding right before.

I do agree with the other posters that you just have to get over it because whats done is done. Obviously theres nothing you can do, so you can just vent here about it!

You will have a beautiful wedding, with the people you love and the people who love both you and you FI!

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

I would have answered you on YOUR post, but you DD'd. That's rude, btw. We took the time to answer your question, and just because you didn't like our answers, you deleted your post. Head's up: people here won't always tell you what you want to hear. We don't sugarcoat things to make you feel better.

But since you asked, the primary difference between my two statements is this: YOU are allowing yourself, at 46 freaking years old, to be bullied and bossed by your mother. If you're old enough to be getting married, you are certainly old enough to say, 'Mom, I appreciate your input, but I didn't ask for your opinion, so please don't offer it.' It's called cutting the apron strings and growing up.

THIS poster is worried that her FMIL will be more into FSIL -- FMIL's daughter -- and HER wedding planning. Assuming FSIL asks her mother to go dress shopping or look at flowers or pick centrepieces or whatever, YES, FMIL is going to be more into her daughter's wedding.

There is a way to have one's mother involved without her being over-bearing. Many of us, myself included, have accomplished it.

Involvement/excitement/interest =/= hijacking/over-bearing/pushy/bossy.

sarahurban451 said:
Dear Ashley,

I'm with you. This is a wedding-planning *community*--not a snark-fest. Rude isn't helpful and it isn't productive, and I don't like reading those posts. Not here. At cracked.com, maybe. At www.theonion.com, maybe. But not here in the wedding woes forum. And when I look at how long some of these posters have been members, seemingly way past their own wedding dates, it makes me wonder if they aren't getting more caught up in strutting their already-had-a-wedding superiority as opposed to imparting their already-had-a-wedding wisdom...with kindness.

I already get that you knew not everyone could come. I get that you get that and your post isn't about whining that the whole wide world isn't coming. I get a sense that you went into a DW with your eyes open that way.

I am frustrated for you that you "called it first" so to speak to have a destination wedding, and the future SIL, by following so closely behind with her own is creating the greater burden for those who could afford and were planning to attend your wedding. Your wedding was already on the table. Plainly in front of everyone.

I *get* your concern--and I agree with the post(s) that if you're feeling, fretting, starting to get nervous about the possibility of through-the-cracks falling, then take back as much as you can from your MIL. It doesn't seem to bode well that there is a history of sibling competition. No good reason for that competition to rear its head at such an important time in both their lives. So, you're going to have to continue to keep your eyes open to that, too, even as you didn't invite it and you had no real reason to expect it to make an impact like it seems it might. The SIL's plans were a surprise factor. As a second strategy, consider, as one poster said, ways in which you can pare back the DIY aspects and let the destination's beauty and uniqueness do some of the work for you if at all possible. If you're feeling like things might spiral out of control on you, then do what you can to gain some of that control.

Best wishes

Lemclane: gotta say, you're a bit of a mystery to me. You say, "...that mothers of the bride are always more interested in daughters' weddings than sons', because traditionally they had more say" on the one hand and then can't believe my mother (on my own woe post) is getting any say about my own wedding because of the horror that I'm 46. Twenty-six or forty-six, I'm still a first-time bride and this is still my mother's daughter's only wedding and my mother is very traditional. So, two times now, you seem to give advice or impart advice that conflicts or is inconsistent with something else you've said.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

hmonkey said:
or they can just not attend either wedding and go on a cruise ship that will catch fire because it sounds like more fun than dealing with two-to-four whiners.

Two- to four-whiners sounds like a David Sedaris story. . .

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