Alcoholics and Open Bars?

PaganDad · May 2013

I never said that people weren't capable of having a few drinks and being cool. I said that there will probably be one, and it only takes one, who when faced with the lack of alcohol, will sulk or complain or just be miserable. If they can do this by themselves, then fine, let them be miserable, but if they can't keep that dissatisfaction to themselves it will cause me some major issues. For me the issue will be refraining from calling them out, kicking them out, or knocking them out. Not because of a gross generalization that you are making up for me, but because of the outlier, not the general group, the one in the bunch, who will make it a source of contention. I am not seeking confrontation or some sort of war of attitudes about drinking. I am actually seeking to avoid potential issues. Like people showing up and rolling their eyes when they find out there is no bar, or people who will make it a miserable experience for others because it's dry.

TheBaysideBride · May 2013

Pagan - don't worry about other people's reactions. Who cares. All that matters is doing what's right for you, your FI and those you love. Your health and well being comes first (I'm the daughter of an alcoholic who has been sober now for 20 years, his sobriety changed all of our lives). If a dry wedding is what will be best for you and your FI, then it's the right choice. I definitely understand your angst, this is probably the biggest party you've planned since you made this change in your life, and it's hard when society as a whole pushes the thing that you have made a decision to leave alone. Buck society, and do it your way, and use the extra money you would have spend on booze to hire the best DJ or band you can find.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

Thank you so much for your service to our country.

Ultimately, this is a decision you have to make with your fiance. What does she want? Can you compromise? It sounds to me like you are uncomfortable serving/paying for alcohol (due to your own morals/history) but also not wanting "disappointed guests" who would want the option of a drink. This would make a cash bar ideal but it's against etiquette. So you're left with having a dry wedding, serving alcohol, or tossing etiquette to the wind (never recommended).

Some ideas if you want people to have the option of a drink but don't want the cost and potential belligerence of a full, open bar:

- have a few bottles of wine at each table - when they're gone, they're gone

- have a beer and wine reception

- have a champagne toast and that's it

- have cocktail hour (maybe 1 hour of alcohol service)

You should have "open bar" on everything else (soft drinks, water, etc.) regardless of what you ultimately decide. I would not make any mention at all about alcohol (dry or otherwise) on your invitation - it's not necessary.

Good luck to you!

Jen4948 · May 2013

The "hate for cash bars" is because if you are hosting something, it is your job, not your guests' job, to pay for whatever is offered, including alcohol. If you don't want to pay for it, you don't offer it or make it available for anyone else to pay for. Nobody is entitled to expect alcohol-but they are entitled to expect not have to pay for whatever you as the host are offering.

Dry weddings are perfectly okay, and if you're worried about alcoholics getting drunk, that's what I would offer. When all is said and done, it's up to everyone to monitor their own intake, and if someone is not capable of that, you don't offer them alcohol-or anyone else.

Jen4948 · May 2013

The "hate for cash bars" is because if you are hosting something, it is your job, not your guests' job, to pay for whatever is offered, including alcohol. If you don't want to pay for it, you don't offer it or make it available for anyone else to pay for. Nobody is entitled to expect alcohol-but they are entitled to expect not have to pay for whatever you as the host are offering.

Dry weddings are perfectly okay, and if you're worried about alcoholics getting drunk, that's what I would offer. When all is said and done, it's up to everyone to monitor their own intake, and if someone is not capable of that, you don't offer them alcohol-or anyone else.

MsYeck · May 2013

Just do a dry wedding. If anybody actually has the balls to say something just admitt you are a recovering alcoholic and did not want the temptation there

SKPM · May 2013

What does your fiancee want? And you mentioned her parents will be hosting. This means they get input too. Have you discussed this with her and then together with them?

lifesad4nce · May 2013

Just have a dry wedding and just remember anyone who complains has problems of their own. Civilized people can enjoy themselves without alcohol and polite people can smile and be merry at a festive event.

Simply Fated · May 2013

I'm not sure what any of that information has to do with anything. I mean, you're coming across as SUPER aggressively defensive. If you don't want alcohol, don't serve any.
If you would "punch" any of your guests JUST because they asked a question they think is innocent, then perhaps you have some serious anger issues you need to add to your list of issues you should be discussing with a therapist.

Belle0720 · May 2013

I think you're overthinking this. A dry wedding is perfectly acceptable and as a guest I wouldn't expect there to be alcohol at the wedding of a sober alcoholic.

As far as a cash bar goes, they are rude because as a host one should not ask their guests to pull out their wallets.

For a similar comparison: If you were Vegan would you offer your guests the option to eat chicken, but only if they'll pay for it?

Maggie0829 · May 2013

How do I avoid people attending out of duty (family members, or otherwise) who are going to be disappointed no matter how much they try and hide it. Everyone keeps saying that if our guests really care that they will come regardless. I don't want that though. I don't want people to come DESPITE the fact that there is no alcohol.

What you need to realize that you will have guests you will be disappointed about some aspect of your wedding regardless of what decisions you make. Whether they are disappointed in the food, the music, the dessert, the chair they have to sit in, the person they have to sit next to, or the drinks served. There will be guests that you can never please no matter what you do. With that said, you should have a dry wedding. If you want to smoke pot then that is your perrogative but I don't think you should provide it as favors to your guests. Just because you live in a state where it is legal to smoke recreationally does not mean that everyone in your state or on your guest my agree with it. If I were a guest at a wedding I would be more pissed if I had to shell out money to get a drink then I would be if it were a dry wedding. Cash bars are rude and tacky. It would be like charging your guests for a better entree. Host what you can afford and if you can't afford it then don't provide it at all. Guests should be happy with what is provided to them and alcohol is a luxury item not a requirement. As long as you provide beverages of some sort so that guests do not go thirsty then you have fulfilled your hosting duties. If people do complain you need to breathe and let it roll off your shoulders because you can pretty much be guaranteed that there will be a guest or two that is unhappy with something that you have planned and there is nothing you can do about.

hordol · May 2013

Don't worry about people grumbling for not having alcohol. Who cares? There will always be someone who will grumble over something. I am hosting alcohol, and I get grumbles that its not the right kind of alcohol. You will never please everyone.

Also, seriously chill out. No one cares if you have a dry wedding. No one was insulting that. There is nothing wrong with it.

nextrightthing · May 2013

Thank you for your service.

I understand where you are coming from. My FI and I are both in recovery. I don't really love the idea of paying for people to drink, just because it is so expensive. I don't have a problem with people drinking, and I can be around alcohol as long as I'm doing the things I need to do to stay sober. If I am mentally and emotionally where I need to be, it honestly barely phases me. I just don't want to pay for it.

Our solution was to offer mimosas at our brunch wedding so the people who enjoy it can have a drink. One reason we chose a brunch is so that we didn't have to feel weird about people wanting to drink and not having a full bar or whatnot.

You can have a dry wedding. Make sure your FI is on board with whatever you choose. It doesn't matter what people think. My experience has been that "normal drinkers" can have fun without booze and don't really think about it half as much as we do.

PaganDad · May 2013

@Simply Really? No crap. I have anger issues for certain. I am a mass murderer who receives frequent praise for my actions. You obviously hadn't read my previous posts where I was defending my use of marijuana. I will be the first to tell you I have anger issues. I work really hard to manage certain aspects of my life that I do not like. I strive to be a better person in my life, and I know that I have anger issues. I have my own personal past with alcohol and I acknowledge that people do not share my experiences and perceptions, I am seeking to avoid confrontation. Really hoping that I don't set myself up for failure. I don't want someone at my wedding who is resentful at all about the lack of alcohol, to make those feelings known. I am screwed up, I get it, I know that. I would not handle this well. I was sincerely seeking solutions to problems that I am making up in my head, that I still think might be a reality. Thank you so much for your insightful commentary. I will let my infinitely unconcerned VA mental health therapist, of the last 9 years know that some jerk online discovered my temperament, and wants to point out things that everyone already knows in a completely unnecessary, ignorant comments about my anger issues and therapy.

And even now, I look back at this paragraph I just wrote and I think to myself, "Yep. You are nuts. Why do you keep dignifying them with responses?"
I guess that should add clarity to your statement regarding all of my information that has to do with nothing. I keep responding to statements like yours. Out of anger of course : )

PaganDad · May 2013

I like the comparison to vegans, MissKristen.
I have already, over the course of the day, spoken with my fiance and she is totally supportive of a dry wedding, and I can't think of anyone in hers or my family that would think twice about it. I hope the "plus ones" and other guests of guests are as courteous. I gained valuable insights from many posts on this thread, and I thank anyone who read past my BS and just helped me with my concerns. I have huge levels of anxiety about the whole occasion (not about my nuptials), and I want it to go well for my fiance. I am concerned about my father, and my emotional well being, and unfortunately, what other people think, and I am so ignorant about weddings that it just multiplies my reservations about the idea of entire masses of our families coming together under the banner of my lady and I and our life together. Sorry to be so off-putting and defensive everyone. I will now go smoke a bowl, and "chill out" as everyone was so inclined to suggest.

crunchymamaof2 · May 2013

Is changing the time of the wedding an option? Having a brunch or earlier wedding will make not having alcohol easier. Not many people drink at that time of day so not as many should side eye a dry wedding at that time.

Otherwise, have a dry wedding, forget about what people might think, and enjoy your wedding!

Kate61487 · May 2013

@PaganDad - Just wanted to say, first, that I'm glad your FI is supportive of the dry wedding idea. As long as you two are on the same page you're good to go (and a dry wedding definitely sounds like the best option here.)

There will undoubtedly be guests who think "aww shucks, no bar" - if they actually say anything to YOU, the host, about it they are rude and obnoxious. If you want to vastly reduce the chance of anyone even thinking about it a brunch or lunchtime wedding will help, as most don't expect to be drinking at 11am. But you're totally fine to have an evening wedding, also - just a suggestion if you wanted to reduce the chance of confrontation even further.

Simply Fated · May 2013

PaganDad said:
@Simply Really? No crap. I have anger issues for certain. I am a mass murderer who receives frequent praise for my actions. You obviously hadn't read my previous posts where I was defending my use of marijuana. I will be the first to tell you I have anger issues. I work really hard to manage certain aspects of my life that I do not like. I strive to be a better person in my life, and I know that I have anger issues. I have my own personal past with alcohol and I acknowledge that people do not share my experiences and perceptions, I am seeking to avoid confrontation. Really hoping that I don't set myself up for failure. I don't want someone at my wedding who is resentful at all about the lack of alcohol, to make those feelings known. I am screwed up, I get it, I know that. I would not handle this well. I was sincerely seeking solutions to problems that I am making up in my head, that I still think might be a reality. Thank you so much for your insightful commentary. I will let my infinitely unconcerned VA mental health therapist, of the last 9 years know that some jerk online discovered my temperament, and wants to point out things that everyone already knows in a completely unnecessary, ignorant comments about my anger issues and therapy.

And even now, I look back at this paragraph I just wrote and I think to myself, "Yep. You are nuts. Why do you keep dignifying them with responses?"
I guess that should add clarity to your statement regarding all of my information that has to do with nothing. I keep responding to statements like yours. Out of anger of course : )

Did you just call me a jerk?
Thank you for proving my point. You are being aggressively defensive.

We gave you plenty of help. The fact that you've already decided to go around punching people is not something we can help you with.

Alcoholics and Open Bars?

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