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omg.... I want to pull my hair out! What do I do!? SOS

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Re: omg.... I want to pull my hair out! What do I do!? SOS

  • MicqsMicqs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    LAM2228 said:

    I agree with PP! I would like to suggest that with all the planning and decisions ahead of you, DO NOT tell her anything until after the decisions are finalized and in place!! She may still pull a fit but then you have the shield of "whats done is done"....contracts are signed and purchases are final!!

    Happy planning! Btw..when is your wedding date? I too am marrying in May, the 24th! :)

    The 25th! And I think that's the plan. I try not to post stuff on Facebook but excitement sometimes gets the better of me. Working on it!
    LAM524
  • MicqsMicqs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    Except now I feel guilted into it. Ugh. I think like a previous poster said I will just let her do it. Just one. Invite the distant relatives in Wisconsin because they'll probably not come (95% sure). She pulled the your sister really wants to throw you one and even though she said she doesn't know you you're still blood and yadda yadda yadda. Ugh. Conflicted. In this case would it still even be considered a shower? It's just family members male and female.
  • MicqsMicqs member
    10 Comments First Anniversary
    Wanted to update this if anyone had curiosity and the fact that I am just plain pissed off.  I had the discussion with them Friday night.  I literally rehearsed what I wanted to say with several individuals as well as myself.  I did my thing.  My step mom was visibly upset. But she stayed quiet.  I explained everything stated in my initial post in a very calm and gentle way.  She said they were not upset about me not inviting those relatives but I could tell she was considering she kept coming back to it.  Now, I also said that if I get a bridal shower, it will be my bridal party who hosts it.  Her response to this was "Well are you planning on including your brother and sister in the wedding at all?"  I simply said that we haven't planned the ceremony yet and I am not sure how we are going to be doing it and who will be involved which is true.  We're in the process of finding an officiant.  Then she said, very rudly, "Well your dad will be walking you down the aisle, correct?"  I kept a straight face and repeated that we haven't planned the ceremony and I dont know who will be walking me down the aisle, if anyone even does.  My dad had been sitting there quiet and extremely red in the face this entire time.  He then chimes in angrily, "If (insert name here for foster dad) walks you down the aisle, I am going to be extremely pissed off at you.  If anyone should walk you down the aisle its either me or your grandfather."  I stared at him flabbergasted.  The conversation was abruptly changed.  The next day my stepmother continued the conversation and told me I need to stop being hard headed and stubborn and accept help, etc.  I told her that we have it budgeted out and we do not need help right now but if something comes up I would consider their offer.  She then extremely rude like asked me how much money my FI parents were giving us for the wedding.  THATS NOT HER BUSINESS.  I told her I did not know and that we haven't discussed it.  She then went the extra mile and asked me what my grandparents were giving us for our wedding!  Ugh.  So I went home and that was that. 

    This afternoon while I am at work step mom texts me and asks me if they are invited to the wedding.  I said "of course you are, why would you ask that?"  About 10 minutes later my dad texts me this.  I will put it in quotes directly from the text. 

    D-"I've been doing a lot of thinking about what you said and didnt say Friday.  evidently you are ashamed or embarrassed by my side of the family.  You can read alot by ones expressions.  I dont want nothing to do with your wedding.  I just want to wish you and (insert FI name) the very best and may you prosper and grow as a couple"
    M-"If that is what you took out of our conversation, then so be it.  I am glad you think that much of me"
    D-"Well you dont want non of this side of family at your wedding and you see it when I said something about giving you away"
    M-"I dont know your side of the family dad.  It would be different if I had a relationship with them, but I dont.  That's that.  Im done responding about this.  That was a heartless thing to say and I am done with it.  I said to you what I had to say and you took it the wrong way.  I am at work and dont want to deal with this right now, so please do not text me."  (I am bawling at this moment)
    D- "If thats the way you want it! You dont want us there anyways."
    M- "Seriously?  You've got to be kidding me! Just stop it.  You are acting like a child.  You want to be pissed off, then be pissed off.  Just keep it to yourself.  I did nothing wrong, you took pretty much everything the wrong way.  Just stop."

    I then texted my step mom and told her she needed to tell dad to stop texting me while at work because I was getting worked up.  I shouldnt have sent the last text but this man is 40 years old.  There is no need to act this way.  I am extremely hurt by what he said and quite frankly I do not want them at the wedding anymore.  I know there is 10.5 months left till but he dug himself a pretty deep grave.  I spent my entire life trying to stay away from people who bring me down, I really dont need that.  I just want this wedding to be over with and I really shouldnt feel like this this far out.  My grandmother said that maybe they will see the light and they are being quite selfish.  I just dont want them there if this is how they feel and how they think of me.    My dad wasnt in my life growing up and only just started being in it after I told them I was engaged.  I dont know what they expect of me.  I just cant believe that this happened and he said this to me.   

    Sorry this is long.  So, what do I do?  STDs are being sent out the middle of August. I dont want to send them one just because our relationship "might" be mended by that time.  He seriously dug himself in a hole.  I dont think he'll be climbing out of it.  :(
  • Micqs said:
    Wanted to update this if anyone had curiosity and the fact that I am just plain pissed off.  I had the discussion with them Friday night.  I literally rehearsed what I wanted to say with several individuals as well as myself.  I did my thing.  My step mom was visibly upset. But she stayed quiet.  I explained everything stated in my initial post in a very calm and gentle way.  She said they were not upset about me not inviting those relatives but I could tell she was considering she kept coming back to it.  Now, I also said that if I get a bridal shower, it will be my bridal party who hosts it.  Her response to this was "Well are you planning on including your brother and sister in the wedding at all?"  I simply said that we haven't planned the ceremony yet and I am not sure how we are going to be doing it and who will be involved which is true.  We're in the process of finding an officiant.  Then she said, very rudly, "Well your dad will be walking you down the aisle, correct?"  I kept a straight face and repeated that we haven't planned the ceremony and I dont know who will be walking me down the aisle, if anyone even does.  My dad had been sitting there quiet and extremely red in the face this entire time.  He then chimes in angrily, "If (insert name here for foster dad) walks you down the aisle, I am going to be extremely pissed off at you.  If anyone should walk you down the aisle its either me or your grandfather."  I stared at him flabbergasted.  The conversation was abruptly changed.  The next day my stepmother continued the conversation and told me I need to stop being hard headed and stubborn and accept help, etc.  I told her that we have it budgeted out and we do not need help right now but if something comes up I would consider their offer.  She then extremely rude like asked me how much money my FI parents were giving us for the wedding.  THATS NOT HER BUSINESS.  I told her I did not know and that we haven't discussed it.  She then went the extra mile and asked me what my grandparents were giving us for our wedding!  Ugh.  So I went home and that was that. 

    This afternoon while I am at work step mom texts me and asks me if they are invited to the wedding.  I said "of course you are, why would you ask that?"  About 10 minutes later my dad texts me this.  I will put it in quotes directly from the text. 

    D-"I've been doing a lot of thinking about what you said and didnt say Friday.  evidently you are ashamed or embarrassed by my side of the family.  You can read alot by ones expressions.  I dont want nothing to do with your wedding.  I just want to wish you and (insert FI name) the very best and may you prosper and grow as a couple"
    M-"If that is what you took out of our conversation, then so be it.  I am glad you think that much of me"
    D-"Well you dont want non of this side of family at your wedding and you see it when I said something about giving you away"
    M-"I dont know your side of the family dad.  It would be different if I had a relationship with them, but I dont.  That's that.  Im done responding about this.  That was a heartless thing to say and I am done with it.  I said to you what I had to say and you took it the wrong way.  I am at work and dont want to deal with this right now, so please do not text me."  (I am bawling at this moment)
    D- "If thats the way you want it! You dont want us there anyways."
    M- "Seriously?  You've got to be kidding me! Just stop it.  You are acting like a child.  You want to be pissed off, then be pissed off.  Just keep it to yourself.  I did nothing wrong, you took pretty much everything the wrong way.  Just stop."

    I then texted my step mom and told her she needed to tell dad to stop texting me while at work because I was getting worked up.  I shouldnt have sent the last text but this man is 40 years old.  There is no need to act this way.  I am extremely hurt by what he said and quite frankly I do not want them at the wedding anymore.  I know there is 10.5 months left till but he dug himself a pretty deep grave.  I spent my entire life trying to stay away from people who bring me down, I really dont need that.  I just want this wedding to be over with and I really shouldnt feel like this this far out.  My grandmother said that maybe they will see the light and they are being quite selfish.  I just dont want them there if this is how they feel and how they think of me.    My dad wasnt in my life growing up and only just started being in it after I told them I was engaged.  I dont know what they expect of me.  I just cant believe that this happened and he said this to me.   

    Sorry this is long.  So, what do I do?  STDs are being sent out the middle of August. I dont want to send them one just because our relationship "might" be mended by that time.  He seriously dug himself in a hole.  I dont think he'll be climbing out of it.  :(
    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Your dad makes mine look like a charmer, and that's saying a hell of a lot.

    You asked what you should do now - my advice, try to put it out of your mind. I know that seems impossible now, but distract yourself by doing fun things. You need to step away from this craziness for awhile and de-stress.

    When August rolls around, see how you are feeling then. You won't be sending STDs for 2 months - maybe your dad will apologize (unlikely, but you never know) and you will be okay with sending him one. Maybe you and your FI will decide you still aren't sure and you will decide not to. The good thing with STDs is that you can still invite someone even if you didn't send them one. However, if you do send him one, you have to invite him. It's always better to err on the side of caution and not send one, unless you're 100% sure you will want him there.

    Regarding your relationship with your dad and communicating with him - I have been in your shoes. I can't even count the number of times that, out of exasperation, I have said "He's a grown man! Why is he acting like such a child?!?!?!?!?!" to a friend or to my mom. Our dads also apparently share some personality trait that makes them think that relationships are all or nothing - the "I'm in your life now so everything is perfect between us" mentality. Sorry, dad, but it doesn't work that way. My dad and I have not been on speaking terms for almost two years, since he surprised us by divorcing my mom and marrying his secretary (true story - and oh so cliché). I tried to communicate with him for awhile, but then he started saying some nasty and hurtful things to me so I told him I needed a break and would reopen communication when I was ready. As soon as I did - when I asked him to meet me so we could talk about the wedding, to which he and his new wife were being invited - he assumed that everything was back to normal. He got very upset when I gently let him know that I would be walking myself down the aisle. He has since declined attending my wedding - and I'm totally okay with that. He burned the bridge, but that was his call to make. On my wedding day, I will be much less stressed because I won't have to worry about what he might say or do that would be hurtful.

    I hope your situation turns out better than mine did. For now, though, try to relax and not think about it, or you'll run around in circles hitting your head against the wall, and that will just cause you more stress and hurt.
    image
    goodplan86
  • wow.  I just... wow.  I'm really sorry he's behaving this way.  I probably wouldn't have responded to the text while at work and would have instead called him later because things can get very misconstrued over text, but what's done is done. 

    Plan your wedding without him as a factor.  Ask your step dad to walk you down the aisle (if that's what you want).  I would probably go ahead and invite him anyway, regardless, because YOU'RE not trying to throw up barriers, he is.  And I wouldn't want to feed into that even more by not inviting him.  So I would go ahead and be the bigger person and send a STD, but if there's any chance you don't want to invite him skip it and you can decide closer to the wedding.

    goodplan86
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