Bridal Shower...who helps pay?

scscott06 · June 2013

I am the MOH in my sister's wedding coming up and I am organizing the bridal shower for her as well. There are four other bridesmaids and three live out of state (2 within driving distance, about 2-3 hours away). I sent them all an email a couple months ago before the invites went out to ask if they could help defray the costs of the shower by splitting it 5 ways. I only received responses telling me that they could not make it and nothing else. I went along with planning the shower with the other bridesmaid who lives very close by. After the planning was finished, I emailed the bridal party to give them a heads up on how much they owe, about 150 each (which is not bad in my experience). Well, they came back at me telling me that this is not proper etiquette and they have never been part of a bridal party where they had to contribute to the shower. They were extremely rude, telling me that their costs for the wedding are quickly approaching $1000, which is I thought was pretty normal for a bridesmaid. Am I missing something? I am in 2 other weddings this summer and I am expected to help contribute to the shower as a bridesmaid. The other bridesmaid who lives close by has had similar experiences to mine and now the two of us are left splitting the cost of the shower. What is the proper etiquette in this situation?

misshart00 · June 2013

You should have asked how much they could contribute before you planned anything. If they said they couldn't contribute, you plan the party you can afford. This is on you. You can't just plan a party, then tell them how much they owe.

AddieCake · June 2013

scscott06 said:

I am the MOH in my sister's wedding coming up and I am organizing the bridal shower for her as well. There are four other bridesmaids and three live out of state (2 within driving distance, about 2-3 hours away). I sent them all an email a couple months ago before the invites went out to ask if they could help defray the costs of the shower by splitting it 5 ways. I only received responses telling me that they could not make it and nothing else. I went along with planning the shower with the other bridesmaid who lives very close by. After the planning was finished, I emailed the bridal party to give them a heads up on how much they owe, about 150 each (which is not bad in my experience). Well, they came back at me telling me that this is not proper etiquette and they have never been part of a bridal party where they had to contribute to the shower. They were extremely rude, telling me that their costs for the wedding are quickly approaching $1000, which is I thought was pretty normal for a bridesmaid. Am I missing something? I am in 2 other weddings this summer and I am expected to help contribute to the shower as a bridesmaid. The other bridesmaid who lives close by has had similar experiences to mine and now the two of us are left splitting the cost of the shower. What is the proper etiquette in this situation?

Ditto MissHart. I'm not sure why you thought you could just plan a party and then present everyone with a bill.

rajahmd · June 2013

scscott06 said:
I am the MOH in my sister's wedding coming up and I am organizing the bridal shower for her as well. There are four other bridesmaids and three live out of state (2 within driving distance, about 2-3 hours away). I sent them all an email a couple months ago before the invites went out to ask if they could help defray the costs of the shower by splitting it 5 ways. I only received responses telling me that they could not make it and nothing else. I went along with planning the shower with the other bridesmaid who lives very close by. After the planning was finished, I emailed the bridal party to give them a heads up on how much they owe, about 150 each (which is not bad in my experience). Well, they came back at me telling me that this is not proper etiquette and they have never been part of a bridal party where they had to contribute to the shower. They were extremely rude, telling me that their costs for the wedding are quickly approaching $1000, which is I thought was pretty normal for a bridesmaid. Am I missing something? I am in 2 other weddings this summer and I am expected to help contribute to the shower as a bridesmaid. The other bridesmaid who lives close by has had similar experiences to mine and now the two of us are left splitting the cost of the shower. What is the proper etiquette in this situation?

You should have taken their lack of response to your first email as a sign that they weren't going to help plan or pay for the shower. You decided to plan the party without any help for them, so you don't get to just shove a bill in their faces. Sorry, but you and the other bridesmaid are on the hook for the whole thing.

scscott06 · June 2013

I did ask and no one gave me a straight answer.

AddieCake · June 2013

If nobody gave you a straight answer, you didn't have a budget to work with and shouldn't have planned the party.

rajahmd · June 2013

AddieL73 said:
If nobody gave you a straight answer, you didn't have a budget to work with and shouldn't have planned the party.</blockquote

Yep. That right there. Whatever you decided to do after that is completely on you.

misshart00 · June 2013

If no one gave you an answer, that is your answer. They can't afford it or don't want to.

yellowrose314 · June 2013

scscott06 said:

I did ask and no one gave me a straight answer.

I'm more of a lurker... but from what I've learnt from the amazing ladies on this board is that you should have assumed that they weren't contributing and therefore budgeted accordingly, especially since they weren't really giving you an answer when you asked them directly. Never assume that they're going to pony up until the money they've said they'd contribute is in your hand. Sorry, this faux pax is on you.

misshart00 · June 2013

Really? A DD? You realize you were quoted right?

rajahmd · June 2013

Way to DD OP. That's considered very rude. Especially since several of us took the time to respond and give you advice.

Thank goodness a couple of us remembered to quote. I fucking love that function.

annathy03 · June 2013

Agree with PPs. Also $150 each is a LOT in my circles to spend on a shower. I have a shower for a bride at the end of this month and each of us are spending around $20 depending on what we volunteered to bring.

scscott06 · June 2013

Guys relax it was an accident!

misshart00 · June 2013

scscott06 said:

Guys relax it was an accident!

I'm glad you put it back. Thank you.

scscott06 · June 2013

You're welcome!

scscott06 · June 2013

I don't know; I guess we've all had just different experiences. It was never discussed in the other weddings how much I can contribute and I was just given a price. I guess I was just going on my past experiences where it is assumed that one of the duties of the bridesmaids is to help contribute. The shower I just attended, I was told I owe 100 and I really had NO part in planning it and I drove 4 hours round trip. I just thought that's what a bridesmaid is supposed to do to ensure the bride has a great day.

scscott06 · June 2013

Just wrote an email apologizing to them. Thank you for your input, everyone!

misshart00 · June 2013

scscott06 said:

Just wrote an email apologizing to them. Thank you for your input, everyone!

This makes me very happy. I'm glad you did that. You may be able to cut some costs of the shower so you don't have to pay as much.

scscott06 · June 2013

Yep! fortunately my mom agreed to help me out. I just now know that if I get married or if I'm in a bridal party, a financial discussion should be one of the FIRST things done with the bridesmaids. LESSON LEARNED. Maybe for my sister's second wedding.....haha just kidding!

annathy03 · June 2013

It's unfortunate that's been your experience, I think most of us have thought something rude was just the way it is before coming here. For example, I've never seen a head table with SO's before, but to separate the bridal party from their dates is rude. That's why we're all here, to learn and share in order to keep ourselves and others from ending up in the situation you found yourself in here. And better late than never, but be sure to apologize to the girls and don't repeat if you throw a bachelorette party.

scscott06 said:

I don't know; I guess we've all had just different experiences. It was never discussed in the other weddings how much I can contribute and I was just given a price. I guess I was just going on my past experiences where it is assumed that one of the duties of the bridesmaids is to help contribute. The shower I just attended, I was told I owe 100 and I really had NO part in planning it and I drove 4 hours round trip. I just thought that's what a bridesmaid is supposed to do to ensure the bride has a great day.

scscott06 · June 2013

OH I already had a bachelorette party discussion about finances..I learn quickly! I told them as is customary, the bride should not incur any costs, so please plan accordingly. I also offered to pay for the tour and tastings (we're going to a brewery) for them and we're going to a nice BYOB for dinner. Is it overkill for me to ask them what they'd like to drink so I can bring it for them? They're traveling from a distance and I just moved back home to save money for these weddings, so I will be able to afford it.

scscott06 · June 2013

Sometimes, I think I'm too nice that it's creepy.

manateehugger · June 2013

Yay! I'm so glad you came around and apologized. I'm in a wedding this summer where an MOH sent a "bill" to me for the brides 2 showers, neither of which I could attend. I emailed and explained that I couldn't attend. Apparently she didn't get the hint that I was saying, "Umm, no" to her request for $200. She did it again for the bachelorette party next week - this time I'm being billed for $250. It's awful - I'm so glad you aren't doing this to the other BM's anymore.

Anastasia517 · June 2013

I'm glad you listened OP and that you know for the future! Thanks for listening to the comments like a mature adult. (You'd be surprised how many people show up here, ask for advice, and then throw temper tantrums!)

scscott06 · June 2013

I'm pretty level-headed. Thanks for your responses!

AddieCake · June 2013

That is awesome that you sent them an apology. Kudos to you for accepting your mistake and I'm sorry this was an expensive life lesson!

scscott06 · June 2013

Thanks! I feel like I'm a good MOH besides that hiccup that happened.

Why in the world does my avatar keep changing?

jcrmc · June 2013

If you wanted help in paying, you should have asked what people could afford to spend. If only two of five of you (bridesmaids) could be there to plan and host, those would be the only people I would expect to help finance the shower.

And on another note... OMG! $750!!?? How the hell do you throw a shower for that much?!?! Any shower I have been to had finger foods, veggie/fruit tray, cake, punch/tea/coffee...paper plates and some decorations....

A friend of mine is getting married this year, I am not invited to the wedding but was invited (declined to go) to the bachelorette party and that was $150pp and included pre- and post-party at a local bar/custom bachelorette party t-shirt/dinner/comedy show/limos to and from venue/share of brides cost and a stripper.

scscott06 · June 2013

I guess in my circle of friends it's not that much. I was just one of nine and asked to contribute 100, so that means the shower was well over 1000. This is not uncommon and all of my friends have had similar experiences...they all told me that they expect to pay about that much as a bridesmaid for a shower.

scscott06 · June 2013

Don't get on my math. I know what 9 x 100 is; the mother of the bride helped contribute a lot.

Kate61487 · June 2013

I'm sure my shower was pretty pricy (full meal at a nice restaurant's banquet center for, like 50 people) so I get how it can get up there. But props for taking the advice and apologizing rather than calling everyone mean :-)

Your avatar is changing b/c you don't have a personalized one set; so every time you refresh the page the site just picks one for you. You can change that in your account settings so it stays consistent.

As for the b-party: I don't think it's too much to ask what they would like to drink if you *want* to, but you by no means need to provide beverages for everyone. As the host of a b-party you need to pay for (or get prior agreement for) things like a room rental or limo or cake - anything where it's a lump sum cost regardless of who attends and who doesn't and where you're picking it. Everyone's individual drinks and food at a restaurant is on them b/c you're not making them attend and you're not picking their dinner for them. Basically - if they were on a really tight budget and ate dinner before and just drank water for the evening the event should be free to them unless they agree ahead of time to chip in for something. (excluding cover charges, which would hopefully be disclosed ahead of time thus they're agreeing by attending)

Bridal Shower...who helps pay?

Re: Bridal Shower...who helps pay?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards