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Removal of a groomsman from a bridal party

mrssjmmrssjm member
Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments
in Chit Chat

One of my man's groomsmen offended me about a month ago. He also doesn't have the same view on marriage as we do. I do not wish to have him standing up in the wedding but at the same time, my fiance is upset that we can not get along. His friend has a very negative attitude and isn't on good terms with his wife (they are on the brink of a divorce). Am I supposed to let him push me around and bring his negative energy to our wedding? I feel like I have to keep defending myself when it comes to him. Please help!

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Re: Removal of a groomsman from a bridal party

  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    First, you can't kick anyone out of your wedding party without ending he friendship, especially someone in your FIs side. You pick your side, he picks his.

    Second, if your fiancé isn't backing you up on stuff, you need to have a serious discussion with him, not with the groomsmen.

    And I don't see how his divorce has anything to do with your wedding.
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  • daria24daria24 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly, to be cliche, it sounds like you have a fiancé problem, not a GM problem. If this GM is treating you badly and your FI's response is "I just want you two to get along" THAT is a much bigger issue.

    That being said, your FI gets to choose who stands up with him, just as you get to choose your bridesmaids/men. Kicking someone out of the WP is likely a friendship-ending move, if your FI wants to end the friendship, it is his job to hand him the pink slip. How would you feel if your FI said he wanted to boot one of your bridesmaids because she's on the brink of divorce?
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  • BostonGIrl4732BostonGIrl4732 member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm with cmgilpin.  I need more details...
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  • mrssjmmrssjm member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments

    Let me make this a lil more clear.... This guy

    1. has numerous times tried to get my FI away from our family. He worries more about drinking and going out than he worries about taking care of his family. The reason why I stated that him and his wife are on the brink of a divorce is because of his behavior. I don't want this man to be my FI's right hand person when we go through a rough time because the solution will always be "lets go out and drink our problems away".

    2. he speaks whatever is on his mind regardless of who it hurts and he's quite proud of it too.

    3. when we have a disagreement, he doesn't wish to speak with me, he tell my FI then asks him to tell me. I have told him many times to please be open with me.

    4. Our wedding is supposed to be about our love for eachother and yet this man doesn't believe in us. I have wanted us to get our kids together but he has never accepted the invitation. He only wants to hang out when there is drinking involved.

    I have explained to my FI that I want people who support us as a family to be there. Not people who are waiting for us to fall apart.

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    cmgilpin said:
    soontobemartino said:

    One of my man's groomsmen offended me about a month ago. He also doesn't have the same view on marriage as we do. I do not wish to have him standing up in the wedding but at the same time, my fiance is upset that we can not get along. His friend has a very negative attitude and isn't on good terms with his wife (they are on the brink of a divorce). Am I supposed to let him push me around and bring his negative energy to our wedding? I feel like I have to keep defending myself when it comes to him. Please help!

    His relationship with his wife, and his upcoming divorce is really none of your business.  Him being in the wedding party on your FI's side is also not your choice.  Also, his views on marriage don't have to be positive. If he is willing to stand up for your FI and be supportive of your marriage, then his views are irrelvant.

    In order to really know whether I would suggest putting your foot down with your FI, I think I would need to know what he is doing to "push you around". 

    This.   I know the standard answer is you have an FI problem,  but I'm not one who thinks my husband has to stick up for me every issue I might have with one of his friends.   Let's face it I might be the problem not the friend or in-law.






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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2013
    soontobemartino said:

    Let me make this a lil more clear.... This guy

    1. has numerous times tried to get my FI away from our family. He worries more about drinking and going out than he worries about taking care of his family. The reason why I stated that him and his wife are on the brink of a divorce is because of his behavior. I don't want this man to be my FI's right hand person when we go through a rough time because the solution will always be "lets go out and drink our problems away".

    2. he speaks whatever is on his mind regardless of who it hurts and he's quite proud of it too.

    3. when we have a disagreement, he doesn't wish to speak with me, he tell my FI then asks him to tell me. I have told him many times to please be open with me.

    4. Our wedding is supposed to be about our love for eachother and yet this man doesn't believe in us. I have wanted us to get our kids together but he has never accepted the invitation. He only wants to hang out when there is drinking involved.

    I have explained to my FI that I want people who support us as a family to be there. Not people who are waiting for us to fall apart.

    This still sounds more like a FI problem. I think you can express your concerns to your fiancé, but if he doesn't want to back you up as his wife, then you have bigger problems.

    Edit: I don't think you necessarily have a fiancé problem, but I think it could turn into one. What his friend does is really none of your business.
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  • BostonGIrl4732BostonGIrl4732 member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Let me make this a lil more clear.... This guy

    1. has numerous times tried to get my FI away from our family. He worries more about drinking and going out than he worries about taking care of his family. The reason why I stated that him and his wife are on the brink of a divorce is because of his behavior. I don't want this man to be my FI's right hand person when we go through a rough time because the solution will always be "lets go out and drink our problems away".

    2. he speaks whatever is on his mind regardless of who it hurts and he's quite proud of it too.

    3. when we have a disagreement, he doesn't wish to speak with me, he tell my FI then asks him to tell me. I have told him many times to please be open with me.

    4. Our wedding is supposed to be about our love for eachother and yet this man doesn't believe in us. I have wanted us to get our kids together but he has never accepted the invitation. He only wants to hang out when there is drinking involved.

    I have explained to my FI that I want people who support us as a family to be there. Not people who are waiting for us to fall apart.

    1. Not a good enough reason to kick him out. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Your FI has the choice to say "No, I don't want to go out and drink our problems away". That's up to your FI, nobody else. So if you really think this is a danger to your relationship, then you need to look at your relationship with your FI. 

    2. Not a good enough reason to kick him out. A few of FI's groomsmen are like this too. I don't hang out with them on a regular basis and limit the time that I spend with them. When I do hang out with them, I accept that they are FI's friends and he likes them for whatever reason. Not my call, FI's call. I have friends with qualities that FI doesn't like, but he doesn't have a say in my girlfriends. 

    3. Your FI needs to tell his friend that he's not the messenger. This is your FI's responsibility. 

    4. Not getting your kids together is not a good enough reason to kick someone out of your wedding party. There are plenty of reasons why someone might not accept an invitation for a playdate with their kids. What if his kids don't want to get together with your kids? What if they were already busy? What if he's just not a planner? I have friends who are horrible at making plans. It's a personality thing. 

    Ultimately, I don't think you should kick this person out of your wedding party. I think it would cause major issues between your FI and his friend. I think your FI could stand up for you a bit more, because at the end of the day, your relationship is about you and your FI. If someone else is getting in the middle of that, you need to look at your relationship, not the person getting involved.
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  • allychaseallychase member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I still feel like I don't have enough info so I'll just address multiple possible scenarios-

    It's not up to you who your FI hangs out with, if this guy is a "bad influence" it's really up to your FI how much he allows himself to be influenced by bad behavior. Does your FI have a track record of not being able to control his behavior when he is with this guy? If so, that is your FI's problem, and something that you and him need to discuss privately. 

    If your FI's behavior isn't an issue, and the sole problem is this guy being an asshat to you, this is also a FI problem. My husband would NOT hang around anyone who is disrespectful to me and if even one off the wall thing was said it would be handled without my intervening. 

    When you marry someone, you are a team-he's got your back, you've got his. If you're with someone who allows his best friend to treat you like shit, well, you've got some bigger issues than just his friend. Because guess what, he will allow everyone else to treat you like shit, and could possibly begin to do so himself. 

    If this guy isn't an ass to you and you just don't agree with the way he approaches HIS marriage and family life, well all I can say is MYOB and don't worry about what he's doing. So he hasn't accepted your play date invite, big deal. Hardly a reason to want your FI to kick him out of his bridal party. 

    You won't always like everyone your husband or your family hangs out with. Until this becomes a direct attack or threat to the sanctity of your home and marriage, get over it. 
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  • harper0813harper0813 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Do a sweetheart's table. Then you'll barely have to spend time with him.

    If FI doesn't want him out, then that's that. You don't have a say in who is a groomsman - you choose the bridesmaids. And honestly, I don't see how kicking out a GM is any better than kicking out a BM - why is this becoming okay, PPs?

    Don't sweat it. Only your groom needs to be near him. Just avoid him and you will continue to have an excellent and fun wedding day.
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  • AJuliaNJAJuliaNJ member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Combo Breaker

    soontobemartino said:

    Let me make this a lil more clear.... This guy

    1. has numerous times tried to get my FI away from our family. He worries more about drinking and going out than he worries about taking care of his family. The reason why I stated that him and his wife are on the brink of a divorce is because of his behavior. I don't want this man to be my FI's right hand person when we go through a rough time because the solution will always be "lets go out and drink our problems away".

    2. he speaks whatever is on his mind regardless of who it hurts and he's quite proud of it too.

    3. when we have a disagreement, he doesn't wish to speak with me, he tell my FI then asks him to tell me. I have told him many times to please be open with me.

    4. Our wedding is supposed to be about our love for eachother and yet this man doesn't believe in us. I have wanted us to get our kids together but he has never accepted the invitation. He only wants to hang out when there is drinking involved.

    I have explained to my FI that I want people who support us as a family to be there. Not people who are waiting for us to fall apart.

    I think reasons 2-4 are good reasons for you not to want this guy on YOUR side, but not good enough for your fiance to kick him out of HIS side. I don't understand what you mean by your first point. When you say he wants to get your FI away from your family, do you mean he's constantly asking him to go out drinking instead of spending time with you or that he's tried to get FI to break up with you?
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  • QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Unless your FI is going every time the guy asks, and your FI is getting super drunk, and not taking care of HIS family (i.e. you), the way that this guy acts is totally none of your business.  His drinking and not wanting to hang out with you to have a kid's meetup is also, not your business.

    You don't have to be friends with him.  You don't have to like him.  If he is disrespectful to you, then hopefully your FI is making it clear that isn't acceptable.  You really don't even have to interact with him, other than to say hi/bye. 

    I personally don't have a problem with people who speak their mind. I appreciate it, because you always know where they stand.  If you don't like that, you don't have to spend time with him.

    Listen, I get that it sucks to have your partner spending a bunch of time with someone you hate. But, you don't get to pick his friends. He is a grown man and can pick his friends like a grown person does.   You don't get a say.

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    The only one who has to agree with your view on marriage is your Fi.

    If you're having problems with your Fi and his solution is to go out drinking with his buddy, then you shouldn't marry him.
                       
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It sounds like you're having a hard time dealing with the fact that you don't get to pick who your FI is friends with.  Sure, YOU are never going to be good friends with this guy, but your FI obviously is.  You don't have to be friends with all FI's friends or even like them all.  

    Nothing he's done would warrant kicking him out of the wedding (not that it's your decision).  

    Your long term solution is for you to spend less time with this guy.  When your FI mentions having a beer with this friend, suggest they make it a boys' night.  When it's a big group even, be polite but focus your time with other people.  
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  • PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Kicking people out of your wedding party is the social equivalent of the nuclear option. The reasons yuo have listed don't even come close to being good enough to publically insult this man.

    You'll end up looking as bad as the USA would nuking Jamaica for an unfavorable trade agreement. Everyone around you is going to be like 'WTF America?"
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  • StephJean83StephJean83 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    OP, you by no means have to be friends with your FH's friends. I honestly have meet about 1/3 of the friends on my FH's side of our guest list. If his going out with your FI and drinking leads to drunk driving(by either of them because it is putting both and others in danger) or something, I would be concerned but would probably tell FI to call for a ride.

    No one but you and your FI need to have any say in your relationship. If said friend is actively trying to break you two up or get your FI to cheat, that is a FI problem not a friend problem. Like PPs have said, nothing in your posts point to him doing anything worthy of being kicked out. I would guess that marriage has left a bitter taste in his mouth if his own marriage is ending.

    As far as kids play dates, who gives a flying flick? Had your kids hung before without it being a forced situation like a BBQ or something like that? I know my parents had friends with kids who I hung out with in forces situations but didn't associate without our parents being present, that was even when I was younger.
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  • PickleJuiceSlurper PickleJuiceSlurper member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    We kicked the best man out of our wedding because we found out he was dealing coke and using heroine, I didn't want any drama or him coming high or late to our wedding... SO hasn't talked to him since December and last we knew he is living in a crack house that has gotten raided (just know that cause SO dad is police)

    It did end the friendship, but who needs friends like that anyways. It's sad what happened to him but he's just a shady person, carries a gun on him 24/7 is never reliable ect.. Just a crappy friend all around.

    Just think if your FH had a problem with one of your friends, would u be able to kick her out of the wedding? It seems like u and the groomsman only have personal issues, I'm sure u can look passed it for one day and then u can just avoid him like the plague!
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  • MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    When you choose to marry FI, you choose to marry him as he is. That is an all encompassing statement. You do not get to choose his friends and you do not have to like them, but you do have to accept them if he's not interested in dissolving the relationship. It sounds clear that he is not.

    So, if you can't accept that this friend will be part of your FI's life (possibly forever) and can't trust that your FI will not honor your relationship, then you might need to move on.

    If you want to continue, I suggest you stop trying to be involved with this friend. Stop having fights with him that necessitate your FI being the middleman, stop requesting play dates, and stop being offended about his aversion to you. Let him be what he is and interact with FI how he will.

    I've been on both sides of this. I asked my ex to stop associating with a friend of his who asked him to leave me so he can be with her. He agreed that continuing a friendship was inappropriate and ended it. I was also asked by a boyfriend to end a friendship with one of my closest friends because bf was jealous of him and I refused because there was nothing to be jealous of. It broke us up because I felt it was hurtful and disrespectful of him to want me to be without a relationship that was meaningful to me and he was unable to accept it.
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  • HobokensFuryHobokensFury member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    FWIW I hated my best man and he hated me. We tolerated each other for the wedding because it was important to DH.
     
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I haven't read all of the posts, but I generally agree with PP -- this is a FI issue (he shouldn't be being the messenger), this is a you/this GM issue (you don't have to be friends with him, but you can't stop your FI from being friends with him). 

    One of the readers in our wedding is a friend of FI's. The FIRST TIME I met this friend, he spent the night comparing me to FI's ex-gf. I was Not Pleased. But you know what? My solution is that when FI wants to have a beer with this guy, I don't go. I won't stop FI from being friends with this guy, but I don't have to spend time with him.
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