Brother Gets Engaged Less than Week after I set my Wedding Date

kathrynrf · June 2013

JAMMS said:

Thank you TheBaysideBride, I appreciate your understanding... As I have thought about this more, I realize part of my feeling as I do about my brother's timing of getting engaged is 1) I have had many challenges in my life I had no control of changing such as Epilepsy, then in 2003 having brain surgery (temporal lobectomy) with doctors telling me the surgery would stop my seizures therefore improve the quality and opportunities in my life, unfortunately that was not the outcome, instead my seizures continued, post brain surgery my memory (especially short term memory) has declined, difficulty with cognition (even after rehabilitation such as Cognition Remediation Therapy) and diagnosed with mild brain injury, so I am unable to work and am on social security disability income. Before the surgery I was a teacher and loved it. Still today doctors are trying to ind how to control my seizures and improve other things. It has been a battle and for along time one of my biggest fears was ability to find a man to love and accept my disability. I felt finally something positive in my life to celebrate, attention not because of my seizures causing me to have to go to ER, not because I am trying another medical treatment but because of something positive.
My dad's cancer of course was most important, I would do anything for my dad, my brother only visited our parents once during the 6 months of chemo (for 2 days and trip work related), but able to make time or trips often with his now fiance', not returning any of my calls during our dad's cancer treatment nor even giving me any acknowledgment for being there for our parents. Also none of my family has met my brother's fiance' nor has my brother met any of his fiance's family. Seems odd to me, especially combined with there dating less than one year, living in separate states (one in Hawaii the other in California).
My brother has always been the successful, intelligent one, my parents boast about his accomplishments often, even though emotionally he is not there for my parents. I was just hoping for once to have attention for a positive reason, without feeling my brother is competition or the spotlight.
Maybe I am selfish in some people's views but doesn't everyone deserve positive attention in life?

I am sorry for all of your health problems, and for your fathers.

However, I do not understand what they have to do with you being upset with your brother engagement? Just because he is engaged, it doesn't mean you are loosing any positive attention. I have a cousin (we are an extremely close family) who has been with her boyfriend for a while. I can not wait for her to be engaged, and would not have minded if she had gotten engaged a day after me. I would be so happy for her because I know how much she loves him.

You are being extremely selfish. Your brothers engagement has NOTHING to do with you, your health problems, or your fathers health problems.

I would suggest you put this into perspective. If you honestly think your brother is "stealing your thunder", you should be grateful you are "loosing positive praise" because something good happened to him. Would you feel the same way if he got really sick (like a long term diagnosis) a week after you booked your venue? Would you be mad at him? Or would you be sad that he was going through a hard time, even though you are happy you have set a venue for your wedding? You can be happy for him and also happy for yourself. Your family can be happy for both of you.

Get over it.

marissaanne27 · June 2013

You are not wrong at all to feel the way you do. I felt the same way along my engagement. It seems like when the spot light is finally on us someone does something to direct it on to them. The only advice I can give is make sure you and your fiance are on the same page. Do not compromise your dream wedding for anyone. In the long run its suppose to be about you too. Don't let other people bring you down. Focus on the two of you!

StPaul0102 · June 2013

marissaanne27 said:

You are not wrong at all to feel the way you do. I felt the same way along my engagement. It seems like when the spot light is finally on us someone does something to direct it on to them. The only advice I can give is make sure you and your fiance are on the same page. Do not compromise your dream wedding for anyone. In the long run its suppose to be about you too. Don't let other people bring you down. Focus on the two of you!

I agree that the OP should focus on herself and her FI but I just don't see any way it's constructive to encourage someone to feed into their jealousy. Weddings shouldn't have anything to do with spotlights. Weddings should be about committing to be with your FI for the rest of your lives and celebrating that with people you love. I don't see why people think that being engaged gives them special status as THE MOST IMPORTANT/INTERESTING/EXCITING PERSON IN EVERY ROOM and that no one else is allowed to have anything important/interesting/exciting happen to them until after they get married.

At the end of the day, OP, I know it stinks to see a sibling get more attention than you but there really is very little you can/should do about it. Be happy that you've got some goodness in your life and don't buy into the thoughts that are telling you that your brother having goodness in his discredits what you've got.

StephJean83 · June 2013

marissaanne27 said:
You are not wrong at all to feel the way you do. I felt the same way along my engagement. It seems like when the spot light is finally on us someone does something to direct it on to them. The only advice I can give is make sure you and your fiance are on the same page. Do not compromise your dream wedding for anyone. In the long run its suppose to be about you too. Don't let other people bring you down. Focus on the two of you!

A month or so after I announced my engagement my younger sister announced she was pregnant with her first child. She felt that my engagement was stealing from her spotlight of being married and being pregnant. My sister had friends who encouraged her and we did fight a lot at the beginning of her pregnancy and my engagement. I received a lot of emails from her friends saying that I should elope because the youngest child should have the last big wedding in a family and a bunch of other BS.

OP, you can't control how you feel but you can control who you express it to and how you act on those feelings. If I was you, I would focus on your engagement and upcoming wedding and not worry about your brother's. As long as he doesn't schedule his wedding for the same day/weekend (if not in the same town) where making your parents and other mutual VIPs to pick between the two weddings, it is NBD.

Brother Gets Engaged Less than Week after I set my Wedding Date

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