Rude and Flaky Bridesmaid

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

I have a BM who is a dear friend. She's a great person and I love her, but she is extremely flaky. She's always making plans then breaking them at the last minute, forgetting when we have plans, not managing her time/schedule, etc. It's really frustrating for me because I have a pretty demanding job and when I make plans with people, I follow through and I'm on time. When people don't do the same, I see it as annoying and disrespectful of other's time. Our other friends are like "oh, that's just (BM name)..." which is an attitude I have assumed too and I've kind of let it roll off me until now...

A good friend of my parents offered to throw me a shower. I let all my BMs know ASAP to hold the date if they wanted to come (that was two months ago). This BM was "so excited and definitely coming". The party is this coming Saturday and the invitation went out a month ago. I saw her two weeks ago, the invite on her fridge and she again said she was excited and coming. The invitation was a regrets only RSVP - the hostess let me know today who responded with regrets, this BM did not so I assumed she was still coming. We're going out to dinner afterwards and I asked her today if she'll be joining so we can get the correct number on the reservation. Essentially her response was that she totally forgot the party was this weekend and planned to work. She's "so sorry" asked me to "let (her) know if it's not ok...seriously!" Um, of course I'm not going to say skip out on your job, but it's obvious that once again, she hasn't properly managed her schedule and is missing an event that a) she said she was going to and b) is really important to me.

The question is should I address this with her on a higher level of being a flaky friend and use this as an example? Or just chalk this up to her being a flaky friend and continue with "oh, that's just (BM name)"? I don't want to sound patronizing if I talk to her about it, but it's not just that's it's hurtful to me, it's that it's really rude and disrespectful in general.

vsgal · June 2013

She is in no way obligated to show up to your shower. It is not her "job" Unless you interviewed her and you are paying her for her services. The only thing she has to do is show up on the wedding day in the appropriate dress. She does not have to anything else pre-wedding. No showers, no parties, no favor-making, no wedding dress shopping.

You don't say anything to her. Anything you say to address this will come across as bitchy and petty. You go to your shower and have a good time.

If she is always flaky, why did you think it would change for you wedding? Remember, no one is as excited as you are for your wedding, except your FI.

misshart00 · June 2013

Liatris2010 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

I have a BM who is a dear friend. She's a great person and I love her, but she is extremely flaky. She's always making plans then breaking them at the last minute, forgetting when we have plans, not managing her time/schedule, etc. It's really frustrating for me because I have a pretty demanding job and when I make plans with people, I follow through and I'm on time. When people don't do the same, I see it as annoying and disrespectful of other's time. Our other friends are like "oh, that's just (BM name)..." which is an attitude I have assumed too and I've kind of let it roll off me until now...

A good friend of my parents offered to throw me a shower. I let all my BMs know ASAP to hold the date if they wanted to come (that was two months ago). This BM was "so excited and definitely coming". The party is this coming Saturday and the invitation went out a month ago. I saw her two weeks ago, the invite on her fridge and she again said she was excited and coming. The invitation was a regrets only RSVP - the hostess let me know today who responded with regrets, this BM did not so I assumed she was still coming. We're going out to dinner afterwards and I asked her today if she'll be joining so we can get the correct number on the reservation. Essentially her response was that she totally forgot the party was this weekend and planned to work. She's "so sorry" asked me to "let (her) know if it's not ok...seriously!" Um, of course I'm not going to say skip out on your job, but it's obvious that once again, she hasn't properly managed her schedule and is missing an event that a) she said she was going to and b) is really important to me.

The question is should I address this with her on a higher level of being a flaky friend and use this as an example? Or just chalk this up to her being a flaky friend and continue with "oh, that's just (BM name)"? I don't want to sound patronizing if I talk to her about it, but it's not just that's it's hurtful to me, it's that it's really rude and disrespectful in general.

I agree that her behavior is rude and disrespectful. But she's always been that way, and you've put up with it this long, and she probably isn't going to change. You can bring it up, but I'd wait until she flakes on a not wedding-related thing to mention that it hurts when she forgets you've made plans.

I agree with Lia. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to talk to her about how when she forgets about plans, it hurts you. But I would wait until she skips out on something non wedding related.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

I have a BM who is a dear friend. She's a great person and I love her, but she is extremely flaky. She's always making plans then breaking them at the last minute, forgetting when we have plans, not managing her time/schedule, etc. It's really frustrating for me because I have a pretty demanding job and when I make plans with people, I follow through and I'm on time. When people don't do the same, I see it as annoying and disrespectful of other's time. Our other friends are like "oh, that's just (BM name)..." which is an attitude I have assumed too and I've kind of let it roll off me until now...

A good friend of my parents offered to throw me a shower. I let all my BMs know ASAP to hold the date if they wanted to come (that was two months ago). This BM was "so excited and definitely coming". The party is this coming Saturday and the invitation went out a month ago. I saw her two weeks ago, the invite on her fridge and she again said she was excited and coming. The invitation was a regrets only RSVP - the hostess let me know today who responded with regrets, this BM did not so I assumed she was still coming. We're going out to dinner afterwards and I asked her today if she'll be joining so we can get the correct number on the reservation. Essentially her response was that she totally forgot the party was this weekend and planned to work. She's "so sorry" asked me to "let (her) know if it's not ok...seriously!" Um, of course I'm not going to say skip out on your job, but it's obvious that once again, she hasn't properly managed her schedule and is missing an event that a) she said she was going to and b) is really important to me.

The question is should I address this with her on a higher level of being a flaky friend and use this as an example? Or just chalk this up to her being a flaky friend and continue with "oh, that's just (BM name)"? I don't want to sound patronizing if I talk to her about it, but it's not just that's it's hurtful to me, it's that it's really rude and disrespectful in general.

So she's always been flaky right? Like always?

My question to you is why do you think that he behavior would change just because you're getting married?

I mean, it sucks that she backed out last minute, but if you've always let it go and never addressed it, why do you think that she would suddenly change her MO? The title of the event, based on your description of her, wouldn't impact her behavior.

I'd chalk it up to her being herself. I really think you should have taken her commitment to be there with a grain of salt, you knew she isn't really dependable to show up when she says she will, so it's really you having unrealistic expectations for her.

If you want to bring it up to her, go ahead, but don't go in, "flaky" guns blazing. Tell her that you know how busy she can get, but that it's hurtful when she backs out last minute and leave it at that. Calling her flaky would be the same thing as calling you a retentive control freak and would end in nothing but bad blood and a bitter BM.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

She's not a rude and flaky bridesmaid, she's kind of just a rude and flaky FRIEND. I would just say that you're disappointed she won't be there, but you'll get together soon. Don't lecture her about it. If she does this again (like PP said, something non-wedding related), then I'd find a way to bring it up. If she flakes, then cool off for a while. If she calls you to get together, just say you'd like to, but it's difficult to make plans with her because you rearrange your schedule and then she doesn't come.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

vsgal said:

She is in no way obligated to show up to your shower. It is not her "job" Unless you interviewed her and you are paying her for her services. The only thing she has to do is show up on the wedding day in the appropriate dress. She does not have to anything else pre-wedding. No showers, no parties, no favor-making, no wedding dress shopping.

You don't say anything to her. Anything you say to address this will come across as bitchy and petty. You go to your shower and have a good time.

If she is always flaky, why did you think it would change for you wedding? Remember, no one is as excited as you are for your wedding, except your FI.

This isn't about me asking her to do anything. And it's also a wedding-related example of a bigger problem. I think you need to re-read the post.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

I agree with some of the PP that when she does flake out on you that you should talk to her about it since it hurts your feelings. But, I would not use something wedding related as an example of her flakiness. It will most likely come off to her that you are being a "bridezilla" and are more concerned about your wedding being perfect, blah, blah, blah. But if she, say, flakes out on a dinner that you two have had planned for weeks then that would be a good time to talk with her about your feelings. Just leave the wedding out of it because it could be taken the wrong way. KWIM?

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

If you've put up with her all this time, it's weird to expect her to suddenly and magically be a different person. Frankly I couldn't be friends with the woman at all because I agree, flaking out on everything is extremely disrespectful.

But at this point you've kind of saddled yourself with her, knowing full well who and what she is. It's kind of like getting upset at a puppy when you left it sitting next to a highly breakable expensive vase, and come back to find it broken. Scolding the puppy about breaking the vase isn't going to change anything either (ie talking to your friend about her tardiness).

You can try it, but in my experience, she'll get all huffy, accuse you of something random so she can feel like a victim, then probably go tell everyone who will listen what kind of an evil bridezilla you are. Too much stress before a wedding IMO. It's less stress just to let her swan around and be flaky, then distance yourself after the wedding. Just my 2 cents.

dem068 · June 2013

I just have to say that I hate people who act like that. I once was friends with a girl who was 15-30 min late to everything. Someone once asked her (after 5 of us were waiting on a dinner reservation for her to get there) how she got to work on time everyday and her response was "well that is important, so I am on time to that". I found it to be so insulting, and that was one of the last times I ever hung out with her. There is nothing you can do to make people not flaky, but you can decide if it is something you will continually put up with (and not address). I would wait until after the wedding and then let her know how it hurts your feelings and she can decide to change her behavior, or not

misshart00 · June 2013

I also agree with Pele because that would drive me nuts. After the wedding, maybe distance yourself from her. If she asks why, you can tell her that you feel disrespected because she doesn't stick to her word. I wouldn't expect her to change though.

On a side note, I wonder about people like this. Can they keep a job when they're always late? And if they manage to be on time to work, why can't they use those same methods to hang out with friends.

harper0813 · June 2013

This is a friend issue, not a bridesmaid issue. If you speak to her about the fact you're hurt that she stands you up so often, speak to her as a friend and not a bride. But I would wait to speak to her until after the wedding to avoid it becoming about your shower and the bridesmaids "duties" (which don't actually exist). I'm sorry she treats you this way. I have had similar friends and weeded them out of my life eventually, but it was hard.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

I'd be annoyed too. I'm a person who really values being on time, and if I'm making plans with someone, I expect the same courtesy.

Honestly, she's not going to change. She's always been like this. It's a PITA, but she's still your friend, right? If you want to say something about it now, just take the wedding out of it. Bringing up the shower might lead you to zilla territory, depending on how your friend reacts. What bugs me most about the shower situation is if your friend RSVPed yes, and then is a no-show because her plans changed. That's incredibly rude to the host. If she knows she won't be there, she needs to tell the host.

She's always been like this, so I wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless she really crosses the line with her behavior and messes up your plans in a massive way.

Weezy56 · June 2013

I feel your pain. My H and I had friends, another couple, who were always late to everything. It drove us absolutely nuts.

With that being said though, your friend will not change just because you are getting married. I agree with PPs to wait to use a non-wedding related example if you decide to talk to her about it.

kerbohl · June 2013

By not making the shower (which she stated twice that she was planning to go to) a priority, this girl did not only hurt you, OP, she has possibly inconvenienced the host, who you said was a good friend of the family, which was rude. But I don't think talking to her about it will solve anything and will cause extra drama before your wedding, so like PP has said, wait for a non-wedding related thing to bring up this friend issue.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Good advice ladies - @peledreamsofrain 's example of the puppy hit home and puts things in a realistic perspective. Yea, really it's a friend issue, not a bridesmaid issue. I'll wait til after the wedding to address this since it's really more applicable to our friendship and the wedding is kind of a red herring. Thanks all

hordol · June 2013

vsgal said:
She is in no way obligated to show up to your shower. It is not her "job" Unless you interviewed her and you are paying her for her services. The only thing she has to do is show up on the wedding day in the appropriate dress. She does not have to anything else pre-wedding. No showers, no parties, no favor-making, no wedding dress shopping.

You don't say anything to her. Anything you say to address this will come across as bitchy and petty. You go to your shower and have a good time.

If she is always flaky, why did you think it would change for you wedding? Remember, no one is as excited as you are for your wedding, except your FI.

I have to disagree with you. I do agree that there are no bridesmaid duties other than to get a dress and stand next to you at the altar, but this goes BEYOND being a bridesmaid---this is being a crappy friend. The OP has used a wedding related example to show how her friend's flakiness has hurt her, but she also made it clear that this person's flakiness has always been an issue and extends outside of the wedding. When you say that she can't say anything to her and that she can't expect this or that, would you give the same advice if the situation was different and it wasn't wedding related? So you're never allowed to talk to a friend that has hurt you because it's "petty"? So you should just expect that people will walk all over you and disrespect your time, and if it bothers you then your expectations are too high? Okay... *rolls eyes*

OP, I would be hurt too, regardless of whether this is a wedding event or just any old plan that you made with her. It IS disrespectful to flake out on someone, especially when they had promised that they were coming and didn't make an effort to let you know plans have changed in a timely and respectful manner. I would never do that to my friends and i would expect they would respect me in the same way. I suggest you talk to her but make sure your only example isn't wedding related, because your wedding is not her top priority.

Jen4948 · June 2013

I'd be hurt if I had a flaky friend too. That is disrespectful. I do agree that when and if you talk to her, it should be when the event in question is non-wedding related.

But I would be concerned that she might skip out on the wedding, so I might address that with, "Please keep track of this: The wedding is on X date, and we need you there no later than Y time."

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Jen4948 said:

I'd be hurt if I had a flaky friend too. That is disrespectful. I do agree that when and if you talk to her, it should be when the event in question is non-wedding related.

But I would be concerned that she might skip out on the wedding, so I might address that with, "Please keep track of this: The wedding is on X date, and we need you there no later than Y time."

haha! for real - I'm going to have to be like, "listen (BM name)... some men will arrive at your house at noon on the wedding day - it might seems like a kidnapping but I need you to be on time. It's best for both of us. I'm sorry it had to end this way. I love you. -southernbelle" Just kidding. I'll ask my MOH/sister to help keep her on schedule the day of.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

THIS. It's deceptive, yes, but she's a total pain in the ass, so it's necessary. I've done this with my fiance before. I tell him we need to leave 15 minutes before we actually need to.

StephJean83 · June 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:
In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

I take it you've met my FH. He isn't a flake just horrible time management skills. My sister will ask me who is coming to watch my niece or for dinner and will adjust the time she wants us there so we are on time. If it is just me she gives me the correct time vs adding a half hour for both FH and I.

I joked I would have two invites sent out, one for FH's family and one for everyone else. FFMIL's family is always late to things. They will say dinner starts at 6pm and won't even start setting it out until 6:30pm! FH says they will show up on time but once we start the processional, I said that the ushers aren't to let people in at all.

stantokm · June 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

My grandmother did this with my aunt one year on Christmas--told her an hour earlier than everyone else--and my aunt was pissed because she arrived 15-30 minutes EARLY because she was trying to be better about time management. But I agree that giving a time that's 15-30 minutes ahead for someone like your friend is a good idea. I'd also wait for the next time she's flakey or late to something that isn't wedding-related to address how her time management/planning skills need work.

eucala08 · June 2013

This is definitely a friend issue.

But, so that it doesn't blow up in your face as a bridezilla moment, wait till she does it for a non-wedding event, and tell her how it hurts you. If she actually cares, she'll try and change. Sometimes we just need to leave people behind that hurt us.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

Be careful with this though. Really careful.

My brother and his family (wife and 3 songs) used to be habitually late for everything (they're much better about it now). But I'm talking REALLY late. We had thanksgiving dinner once at 2. We told them it started at 1. They didn't actually get there until 3. My brother later found out and was PISSED. He was also horribly embarassed. If you go this route, be careful to avoid hurt feelings. Seriously.

You yourself made a great suggestion to have someone pick her up. Given this situation, I think that is a FANTASTIC idea. Combining this with having them pick her up a little early would probably work out well. (I hope).

KendalS82 · June 2013

southernbelle0915, I feel your pain. Trust me! I too have a extremely flaky close friend who also is a bridesmaid in my upcoming wedding. I've taken the approach of "letting it go." It hasn't been easy, and at times I feel extremely hurt, but in the long run, there is nothing that can be really done about it. What's that saying? "You don't change, you just become more the same." She is who she is and probably won't change. I know my friend won't, since I've known her for 18+ years. Good luck and don't let it get to you too much!

misshart00 · June 2013

wittykitty14 said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

Be careful with this though. Really careful.

My brother and his family (wife and 3 songs) used to be habitually late for everything (they're much better about it now). But I'm talking REALLY late. We had thanksgiving dinner once at 2. We told them it started at 1. They didn't actually get there until 3. My brother later found out and was PISSED. He was also horribly embarassed. If you go this route, be careful to avoid hurt feelings. Seriously.

You yourself made a great suggestion to have someone pick her up. Given this situation, I think that is a FANTASTIC idea. Combining this with having them pick her up a little early would probably work out well. (I hope).

Sometimes the embarrassment is what someone needs to change how they are though.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

wittykitty14 said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

Be careful with this though. Really careful.
My brother and his family (wife and 3 songs) used to be habitually late for everything (they're much better about it now). But I'm talking REALLY late. We had thanksgiving dinner once at 2. We told them it started at 1. They didn't actually get there until 3. My brother later found out and was PISSED. He was also horribly embarassed. If you go this route, be careful to avoid hurt feelings. Seriously.
You yourself made a great suggestion to have someone pick her up. Given this situation, I think that is a FANTASTIC idea. Combining this with having them pick her up a little early would probably work out well. (I hope).

Huh? I don't get it? Why was your brother pissed off if he was an hour late to actual dinner and 2 hours late to the time you all told him to get there?

Was he mad because you all ate without him? I sure as hell would have.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

wittykitty14 said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

Be careful with this though. Really careful.

My brother and his family (wife and 3 songs) used to be habitually late for everything (they're much better about it now). But I'm talking REALLY late. We had thanksgiving dinner once at 2. We told them it started at 1. They didn't actually get there until 3. My brother later found out and was PISSED. He was also horribly embarassed. If you go this route, be careful to avoid hurt feelings. Seriously.

You yourself made a great suggestion to have someone pick her up. Given this situation, I think that is a FANTASTIC idea. Combining this with having them pick her up a little early would probably work out well. (I hope).

I would agree if she was family, or if the relationship was worth preserving. But for the wedding day, call me mercenary, but I'm telling a habitually late person the wrong time.

If she actually does show up on time, you can just 'teehee I'm running behind". She'd have to completely lack a sense of irony to be angry at you for running late and leaving her hanging.

Maggie0829 · June 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

In my experience habitual flakes actually respond best to being lied to about when they need to show up. Take however long their lazy butts usually show up late, then add that time to the real time they should be there. For example, tell her to show up at 9am if people will actually be there at10.

So I do this with H all the time when we need to go places by a certain hour. He is always late to everything but has gotten loads better from when we first started seeing each other (like he would be an hour or more late to pick me up every single time). In fact he was the one who told me to lie to him about the time just so I would stop nagging him about how he needed to hurry up and get ready. And it has worked. H isn't ready by the time I tell him but he is ready by the time that we actually need to leave the house

jemmini6 · June 2013

I agree with the lying about times part, it's sad that you have to resort to that, but it works. I have a friend who is usually about 15-20 min late every time we agree to meet up, so I'll tell him to meet me at 5, then I'll plan to arrive there myself at 5:15...and I still usually beat him there by 5 minutes.

It's definitely an annoying trait, but we've been friends a long time and I've given up trying to change him, so I manage him instead. I don't think I'd be so forgiving if he completely forgot or flaked out on events altogether though....

SJM7538 · June 2013

IMO this is not only rude to you but the hostess of the shower. If she didnt RSVP and its regrets only I as a hostess would assume she's coming and pay for her. If she really doesn't plan on attending she needs to let the hostess know. This is a pre planned and paid for event, not a backyard BBQ.

But I get that's it frustrating. Agree with others, bring it up on a friend level and leave the wedding out of it. Unless she "forgets" to get her dress or show up to the wedding it isn't really a wedding issue.

Rude and Flaky Bridesmaid

Re: Rude and Flaky Bridesmaid

Choose Another Board

Search Boards