Update! Driving a friend to my own shower/girls night

lifeonthehill · June 2013

UPDATE IN COMMENTS

I am having a girls night with the younger crowd after my bridal shower Saturday. My friend is 22 and still chooses to not drive. Fine. But that mean it falls on her friends to pick her up and drive her home every time we want to do something. Unfortunately her husband does not agree with her going and wont give her a ride to the girls night. She is asking me for one but I don't want to make the drive out there on the day of my shower nor do I want to be responsible for getting her home (she hasn't decided if she is staying at the hotel with us.) She is now telling me I am being selfish.

Should I suck it up and make the trip out and risk having to leave my girls night to bring her home. (about 30 mins round trip) or should I have my first Bridezilla moment and tell her she needs to figure it out and that this is a day for me to have fun not to worry about these things.

I need advice. I always get sucked into this stuff but I really don't want to this time.

Kate61487 · June 2013

I vote for option 2. You shouldn't have to be responsible for anyone the night of your bachelorette. It would be on thing if she was for sure spending the night so it was just picking her up, but her uncertainty puts unnecessary stress on you. Tell her to figure it out (she could always ask another party goer, or take a cab, or realize that as a 22 yo independent adult in a world without consistent public transportation she should get a freaking license)

Side note - her H "doesn't agree" with her going? sounds a little like an overbearing ass....

mstallae · June 2013

Is there any other friend who could give her a ride?

I would tell her you're sorry but you can't drive her that day - it is unfair to you to make you leave during girls night and its also unfair to put the owness of driving on you if you choose to drink etc at your OWN shower. If you are planning on staying at the hotel then there is no need for you to drive that night.

At best if you really want her there I'd say I can drive her TO the event but that she can not count on you for a drive home until the next day so if she can't stay at the hotel she will have to make other arrangements (get someone else to drive, or maybe a cab?)

Also - weird that her husband won't be supportive of her going and won't give her a drive whats up with that?

Lored · June 2013

If she's 22 and "chooses not to drive"', I think that's the real issue. I don't get it....

lifeonthehill · June 2013

He is a huge @$$. He claims she is already married and therefore should not be participating. We will be swimming having a few drinks and watching Magic Mike.

Sadly no other party goer wants to be responsible either and I don't blame them. I wouldn't ask them to do it for me because they shouldn't have to worry either. Seems like she may be screwed. =/

lifeonthehill · June 2013

As far as driving. She says people get hurt in car accidents and she doesn't want to ne responsible if someone gets hurt. I try to avoid thinking about it because it makes me angry. Haha.

mstallae · June 2013

RetreadBride said:

There are good reasons why some people don't drive. I didn't, until I was in my late thirties. No confidence, and I was afraid of it. (Also couldn't afford a car, but that's another story). I can sympathize with your friend. If she's afraid to do it, she SHOULDN'T drive. Don't shame her for that. You wouldn't scorn someone for being afraid to skydive or rock climb, would you?

I agree, however, that people who don't want to drive must be prepared to handle the consequences of not driving, and find other means of transportation. This doesn't include mooching off friends. Of course you aren't a bad friend if you can't, or just don't feel like driving her around.

Her husband sounds like a controlling jerk, though. Does his ban on going out with friends extend to himself as well?

Good question... I'm assuming since HE'S married too he wouldn't be ever participating in any of these events with HIS friends ~rolls eyes~

misssunshine17 · June 2013

She sounds ridiculous. Don't drive her home.

On another note, if I was the one planning/hosting your bachelorette, I would be pissed if you left to take care of someone else.

wiki8 · June 2013

If he doesn't approve of her going out, I wouldn't e surprised if he's a big reason why she doesn't drive.

It's not your responsibility though. Don't give in. It's your day.

lifeonthehill · June 2013

I am glad we are on the same page Retread. I have never said a word to her but she is starting to wear on all of our nerves expecting US to drive her. A personal choice is fine but then I believe SHE needs to take responsibility not throw a fit and call me selfish because I don't want to pick her up for my shower/girls night.

I am glad that you ladies don't think I am being a bad friend.

He runs the roads drinks heavily and spend a lot of time in bars. She stays home or comes out with us to shop. I try to hold my tongue with this. I have given my opinion when she asked and it was not received well.

Simply Fated · June 2013

Let her know that you're unable to give her a ride that day.
I've had a few friends who don't drive AND some refuse to use public transportation, so I know where you're coming from.
Suggest she look up a nearby taxi service. That's the price you pay when you don't drive in an area that requires a car.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

I'd compromise and offer to pick her up, but tell her she has to either stay over at the hotel or find another way home. I think that would be more than fair.

winelover123 · June 2013

I'd offer to give her a ride if it isn't too out of the way but tell her she needs to find herself a cab to take her home. If she asks for rides in the future and it isn't convenient for you or you just don't feel like it, give her a list of phone numbers for taxis.

tiny speck · June 2013

Don't give her a ride. Let her figure this out. If she doesn't have the expenses involved in maintaining a car, she should be happy to pay for a taxi in situations like this.

stantokm · June 2013

If you really want her there, offer to pick her up, but let her know that you will be drinking and therefore will NOT be driving anywhere once you get to your shower. If she wants to stay in the hotel, great, you can drive her home in the morning when YOU are ready; if she wants to go home, she will have to call her husband or a cab because no one else will be leaving the hotel either.

You're not selfish for wanting to have a good time at your own party. If she still says that you're selfish for not wanting to bring her back that night, say, "I'm hurt that you feel that way, but this is as much as I can accommodate you."

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

You plan to get a ride with another friend so you're not even driving. Then you call her...

"Hi Dependent-Friend-Who-Calls-Me-Selfish-For-Not-Chauffeuring-You-Around-On-My-Party-Night! I'm not even driving, so I can't take you. Sorry. Here are a few numbers to cab companies that you might want to save to your phone since Controlling-Husband-Who-Manipulates-Your-Social-Life won't drive you. Also, we're all staying at the hotel so you might need these cab company numbers if you don't want to stay there."

She's young and now that her friends' lives are getting busier (i.e. they can't drive her around all the time), this might be a tough lesson for her to learn. It isn't going to get any easier. Sorry if that's tough love, but I would definitely NOT drive her anywhere that night.

AddieCake · June 2013

AndreaJulia said:

I'd compromise and offer to pick her up, but tell her she has to either stay over at the hotel or find another way home. I think that would be more than fair.

This is probably what I would do as well. I wouldn't be happy about it,and I would WANT to tell her no and to find her own way, but I probably couldn't bring myself to do it. Let her get a cab home if she needs to get home later.

You're not being selfish, though. At all.

lifeonthehill · June 2013

I just hate that it is at least half an hour round trip. I know it is not a big trip but I wish she would see how inconvenient this is for all of us. I feel like making a point and standing my ground. Maybe missing an event like this will finally make her see she needs to be more responsible.
Thank you everyone for your advice.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

AndreaJulia said:
I'd compromise and offer to pick her up, but tell her she has to either stay over at the hotel or find another way home. I think that would be more than fair.

Adding to my previous post, I'd pick her up at my convenience even if it meant she'd have to tag along on some of my errands. I wouldn't change my schedule or anything.

imimbles · June 2013

Let her figure it out, it isn't your problem.

I'm 23 and don't drive. I live in a city with pretty good public transportation, and when that doesn't work, I call a cab. It's not anyone else's problem to get me where I want to go.

Kate61487 · June 2013

Harry87 said:

alyssaames said:

I just hate that it is at least half an hour round trip. I know it is not a big trip but I wish she would see how inconvenient this is for all of us. I feel like making a point and standing my ground. Maybe missing an event like this will finally make her see she needs to be more responsible.
Thank you everyone for your advice.

That's like, my commute to Target. That's nothing.
I agree that she needs to start being more responsible for her own transportation, though. Because it's seriously nothing of a drive, I would call and agree to pick her up and make her responsible to find her own way home.

As for the situation with her husband, I can't even touch that. To keep things short, a man like that wouldn't come close to being my husband. He'd be lucky if he was my boyfriend for a week.

It's all perspective though.. I grew up where literally NOTHING (home, parents' work, school, grocery, clothing stores, etc.) was more than 15 minutes away. We NEVER went to the mall because it was *gasp* a 30 minute drive. Why bother? Especially if ALL you're doing is driving there and back, without actually spending any time there?

Now my work is 20 min away, most of H's family is 20-40 min in one direction or another. I'd still think twice about driving 30 min just to pick something/someone up. 30 min to go to dinner? sure. 30 min to open the car door and then immediately turn around? ehhh. not if I've got better things to do (like, you know, attend my bridal shower / b-party)

Jen4948 · June 2013

It's totally okay to tell your friend, "I'm sorry but I cannot give you rides to and from the shower. This is something you'll have to figure out for yourself."

I live in NYC where many people don't drive, including some of my cousins. There is one I give rides to a lot for family get-togethers because he lives near me but doesn't own a car-it's even become rather "expected" that I do so and I told him a few months ago that I wasn't going to be able to give him one to the location in question for a get-together although I did give him a ride home. But I plan to give him a heads-up that he will need to assume that I will not be able to give him any rides to or from my wedding events and plan his transportation needs accordingly.

Xstatic3333 · June 2013

PP's have it all covered, but I wanted to chip in one more "you aren't a bad friend" and also say GO BRUINS!

RebeccaB88 · June 2013

Agree with all PPs. Her choice not to drive is no one's problem but hers. I would tell her "this is where we'll be, come join us or not.". She needs to figure it out somehow. Choices have consequences. If no one makes her experience them, she won't have incentive to change.

jcrmc · June 2013

30mins round trip is 15mins one way - totally affordable cab ride. There, done.

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

It's all perspective though.. I grew up where literally NOTHING (home, parents' work, school, grocery, clothing stores, etc.) was more than 15 minutes away. We NEVER went to the mall because it was *gasp* a 30 minute drive. Why bother? Especially if ALL you're doing is driving there and back, without actually spending any time there?
Now my work is 20 min away, most of H's family is 20-40 min in one direction or another. I'd still think twice about driving 30 min just to pick something/someone up. 30 min to go to dinner? sure. 30 min to open the car door and then immediately turn around? ehhh. not if I've got better things to do (like, you know, attend my bridal shower / b-party)

She said it was 30 minutes round trip. That's 15 minutes each way.
It still doesn't mean OP should be responsible, but it's a little weird that she's acting like 30 minutes round trip is such a long drive.

Kate61487 · June 2013

jcrmc said:

30mins round trip is 15mins one way - totally affordable cab ride. There, done.

My bad; she was referencing an hr on the road later (presumably picking her up and then dropping her off) so I was thinking it was 30 each way.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

She doesn't sound like a good friend at all. If I was so ridiculous that I refused to drive, I would at the very least try not to be too much of a burden with that decision. She needs to suck it up and stay at the hotel, or just not go. Her wishy washiness and lack of thought for others makes me place her age at 22, going on 4.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

MyNameIsNot said:

It's all perspective though.. I grew up where literally NOTHING (home, parents' work, school, grocery, clothing stores, etc.) was more than 15 minutes away. We NEVER went to the mall because it was *gasp* a 30 minute drive. Why bother? Especially if ALL you're doing is driving there and back, without actually spending any time there?
Now my work is 20 min away, most of H's family is 20-40 min in one direction or another. I'd still think twice about driving 30 min just to pick something/someone up. 30 min to go to dinner? sure. 30 min to open the car door and then immediately turn around? ehhh. not if I've got better things to do (like, you know, attend my bridal shower / b-party)

She said it was 30 minutes round trip. That's 15 minutes each way.
It still doesn't mean OP should be responsible, but it's a little weird that she's acting like 30 minutes round trip is such a long drive.

That's why I think she should pick the girl up (at a convenient time since it's sure to be a busy day for the bride). However, if OP and her friends plan to drink at her bachelorette party, even a 2 minute drive is too long.

annathy03 · June 2013

I didn't get the impression OP thinks it's a long drive, but rather that 30 minutes is a long time to be MIA from your own shower/b-party, which it is. As other PPs have said, no one is responsible for this girls transportation but her, but I'd probably still offer to pick her up and say she will need to stay the night with everyone or cab it home.

SP29 · June 2013

Agreed! You're not a bad friend. It might be different if you were just another guest going to this gathering, but YOU are the guest of honour. I'll assume there may be some alcohol involved, even if just a toast or whatever... in that case, you can't drive anyway. Nor should you have to give up your enjoyment to drive her home. Likewise, you shouldn't leave your party, and the rest of your guests, to drive her home. That could be considered rude to your other guests.

I would just tell her you can't. If she asks, then you can tell how how it's irresponsible to drive after drinking and how it would be rude to others. She's asking a lot. I am sure she can call a cab.

Update! Driving a friend to my own shower/girls night

Re: Update! Driving a friend to my own shower/girls night

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