Coworkers- Are they a package deal?

[Deleted User] · June 2013

I apologize in advance if this question is redundant-- I tried searching the etiquette board but got a bit overwhelmed trying to sift through everything.

It's kind of crazy actually for me to be worried about this because my wedding is over a year away, but it's been nagging at me lately since some of my coworkers started trying to talk wedding with me.

I intend on inviting my direct reports but then have about 9 other managers (we're all at the same level) that I am friendly toward all of them but am actually close with only a few. There are two that I would actually be pretty uncomfortable with having at the wedding. What is the official etiquette regarding inviting coworkers?? Is it all or nothing, or can I (discreetly) invite just those I wish to??

Of course, I understand that these people might not even work with me by the time the wedding rolls around, but I'd like to have an understanding of what is appropriate for these circumstances.

hlvonb · June 2013

You do not have to invite them all. If you would be uncomfortable with some of them at the wedding then do not invite them. Invite only those that you are close to. If you think it would be an issue with them talking about it at work then tell them to please not announce to the rest of the office that they were invited since others may not have been invited.

tiny speck · June 2013

HoorayForSoup said:

From an etiquette perspective you can invite whoever you want (just be sure to include any SOs) but from a career perspective it might be smarter to go with an "All or nothing" approach. You can try to be discreet, but the chances that your coworkers won't find out if you invite some of them to the wedding and not others is very low. If you think people might be pissed at being left out it might be smarter to invite all of them or none of them.

I think this is really good advice. Personally, I'd be inclined not to invite any. That way you won't have to risk having people at your wedding who you say would make you uncomfortable, and you can still bring in photos and tell everyone about it afterwards without it being super awkward having some co-workers in those photos and not others. I didn't invite my boss, even though we get along really well and hang out outside of work sometimes; it just would have been awkward.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

As a manager, I don't think it's wise to invite any of your staff or other managers. I'm a big advocate for the separation of work and personal life, though. I always think about it where if you want to continue to be viewed professionally without any distractions, personal stuff just doesn't have a place.

Technically you can invite whoever you want. A lot of people think it's political to invite in circles and since the work place IS political, I think that's your best approach if you do it at all.

AddieCake · June 2013

I'm a teacher, and initially I intended to invite only the people in my department (and my bridesmaids, who are in different departments) so the lines would be very clear and nobody would get their feelers hurt. Then I decided I really wanted some other teachers that I spend time with outside of school and at lunch and stuff, that I wasn't going to NOT invite people I am close to just so other people that I'm not won't be upset. That worked for me, though. I think it gets a little stickier when you're the manager inviting and not inviting people.

harper0813 · June 2013

Workplaces are tricky. I'm struggling with the same thing myself. I'm going with the all or nothing approach and I intend to invite no one because its a small office and I only started the job 6 months ago, and I haven't spent time with anyone outside of the office with the exception of happy hours. I know people's feelings will be hurt, especially my boss's, as everyone is hinting that I should invite him. I think it would be inappropriate, though.

My FI, on the other hand, is inviting a few coworkers. We have two sets of friends from his workplace but some other managers have been hounding him. And if he caves in to their nagging, he gets to deal with the repercussions of also working in a small office - but his is full of type A people who aren't afraid to speak their minds.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

Invite in some sort of circle: your immediate group, people who work in the same location, your typical lunch group, etc. Then invite them discreetly. Someone will open their mouth and that is where having a clear circle comes in handy. I invited just the people on my team on the same level as me and our boss. This did mean inviting one person i may not have in other circumstances, But it would have been rude to omit just one person like that. I've already had 2 people bring it up in front of people not invited and it was not awkward at all.

Kate61487 · June 2013

I'm personally a fan of the "only those you socialize with outside work" rule. I invited a handful of work people - only two from my immediate team of 10 - out of a hundred that I see every day. They are the people I have hung out with, gone to parties at their homes, etc. This included my boss. As far as I can tell no one had their feelings hurt.

In the end you really just need to judge your own work dynamic. Do you really socialize outside work with all your direct reports? inviting them seems like it could be uncomfortable.

FizzySips · June 2013

Would your direct reports feel that the invite is tied to a work obligation? I would hesitate to invite my direct reports for that reason...

[Deleted User] · June 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Daizy914 said:

If I had to do it all over again, I would definitely do the all or nothing rule. It can get tricky if you invite certain people and then have to whisper "please don't talk about it, as I don't want anyone that I didn't invite get offended".

I made the mistake of inviting 7 employees from my job, one of them being my boss who I cannot stand but felt obligated because he is the one who approves my vacation time, and I knew he would not approve my honeymoon if I didn't invite him, out of spite!!! (I recently posted on this board about uninviting my evil boss, but unfortunately, I can't. I am really hoping he will decline as we don't have a good relationship, I am currently seeking another position, hopefully I can find something before the invitations go out which is next month )

Congrats and good luck!

Ugh - I really hope you get a new job. This person has no place in management.

FizzySips · June 2013

@daizy914: seriously! The crap that some small businesses get away with (HR-wise) is astounding! Being small, or a family business does not mean you get to treat people like your kid brother/sister. There are laws that apply! Your boss needs a huge wake-up call.

Jen4948 · June 2013

If you work in a small office and plan to invite any co-workers, you might have to invite everyone (and their SOs) if your goal is to avoid hurt feelings and political reverberations.

Otherwise, I'd limit invitations to anyone you have a social relationship with outside the office (and their SOs) and limit wedding talk around the office.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

Thank you, you all have very good advice. I have been leaning toward inviting no one. I am actually closer to my direct reports (3 other women who are closer to me in age) than the other managers, who I don't work with all the time and are mostly old enough to be my parents or in a few cases, my grandparents. The department I run is very small and we work closely together so that's why I was not worried about inviting them, though now I will strongly consider your advice about eliminating all coworkers entirely. I would hate for them to feel obligated!!!

I am so glad I posed this question. I have time to really consider what would be the best option for my situation.

QueerFemme · June 2013

I know you already got plenty of answers, but just to add that I agree with not inviting anyone that works for or reports to you. They will be stressing about feeling obligated to attend and buying you a gift.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

You're absolutely right-- that never occurred to me. Thank you!

kathrynrf · June 2013

I work for a small business with only 10 or other people. We are doing all or nothing because one of the girls is my bridesmaid and I am close with four other girls. I felt strange inviting half my coworkers and not the other half.

Coworkers- Are they a package deal?

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