Mother-In-Law Help

cmalork · June 2013

So, I love my future mother and father-in-law. They have always been amazing and we are normally always on the same page. Now for the issue, my future brother-in-law and his girlfriend are having a baby in August and it will be their first child and the first grandchild for my future in-laws. I have tried to talk to my future mother-in-law about the wedding for input and financial contributions (if any), but everything is about the baby at this point. My parents just want to know if they will be helping with the costs at all. All conversations go from me mentioning the wedding to her bringing up the baby and that we need to start planning the baby shower. Should I just give up with her and talk to my future father-in-law about it since he is really not preoccupied about the baby? My FI proposed in May of this year and the wedding is 5 months away so I am kinda needing to know these details sooner rather than later. Advise?

misshart00 · June 2013

You really shouldn't be asking for financial contributions unless they have already offered. I would take her changing the subject as a clue that they won't contribute and just drop it.

AddieCake · June 2013

Are you asking for them to contribute to the wedding? If so, you shouldn't be. If they intend to contribute, they will tell you. It's not a topic you should be bringing up to them.

stantokm · June 2013

You have to wait for them to offer financial contributions because it's rude to ask for money. Plan for them to give you nothing and base your budget on what your parents and you and your fiance have set aside. If your FILs end up offering money later on, great!

Kate61487 · June 2013

misshart00 said:

You really shouldn't be asking for financial contributions unless they have already offered. I would take her changing the subject as a clue that they won't contribute and just drop it.

ditto this. You shouldn't ask for money and her refusing to talk about it is probably her way of letting you know.

NYCMercedes · June 2013

Don't expect that they will be contributing. Perhaps your FMIL is using the grand baby subject to deflect your questions about money because she knows it is rude to ask people for money.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

She's bean dipping you... take the hint. Here's an example where YOU might bean dip:

obtuse, former preschool classmate who you're not close to anymore says: "omg cmalork! cannot WAIT to party with you at your wedding. You're, like, sooooo pretty and sooooo amazing. Hope I'm invited!"

cmalork: "Thanks for the compliments. We are keeping the wedding pretty small, so.... have you tried this bean dip?"

Assume they are not helping with costs and move forward with your planning.

NYCMercedes · June 2013

cmalork said:

So, I love my future mother and father-in-law. They have always been amazing and we are normally always on the same page. Now for the issue, my future brother-in-law and his girlfriend are having a baby in August and it will be their first child and the first grandchild for my future in-laws. I have tried to talk to my future mother-in-law about the wedding for input and financial contributions (if any), but everything is about the baby at this point. My parents just want to know if they will be helping with the costs at all. All conversations go from me mentioning the wedding to her bringing up the baby and that we need to start planning the baby shower. Should I just give up with her and talk to my future father-in-law about it since he is really not preoccupied about the baby? My FI proposed in May of this year and the wedding is 5 months away so I am kinda needing to know these details sooner rather than later. Advise?

stantokm · June 2013

misshart00 said:

You really shouldn't be asking for financial contributions unless they have already offered. I would take her changing the subject as a clue that they won't contribute and just drop it.

Agreed; if they have offered money in the past, though, it should be your fiance, not you, who should ask his parents about it.

Jen4948 · June 2013

I think you need to tell your mother not to count on your FILs providing any financial assistance and plan accordingly.

And stop bringing up the wedding to your FMIL for the time being. Whether or not she's too baby-crazy or bean-dipping you, it's clear that she doesn't care enough about your wedding to talk about it with you.

cmalork · June 2013

Then she really shouldn't have a say in guests lists and such then right? She is taking forever in getting my guest list information and any information regarding that side of the family. My FI is just a bit hurt and confused since they have been spending $1000's upon $1000's of dollars on the baby, furniture and such and ignoring the wedding all together. Should I just not look for any input from them since they seem to care less?

misssunshine17 · June 2013

If you're adult enough to get married, you're adult enough to pay for it yourself. Don't ask for money, it comes off as very childish.

cmalork · June 2013

They had offered before we all found out that his brother's girlfriend was having a baby. Her and I had talked about this even before the engagement.

NYCMercedes · June 2013

If your FI is interested in pursuing this, he should be the one dealing with them.

MayberryAfterMidnight · June 2013

cmalork said:

Then she really shouldn't have a say in guests lists and such then right? She is taking forever in getting my guest list information and any information regarding that side of the family. My FI is just a bit hurt and confused since they have been spending $1000's upon $1000's of dollars on the baby, furniture and such and ignoring the wedding all together. Should I just not look for any input from them since they seem to care less?

Basically everything @stantokm has said so far! But regarding the above, that's correct. People who contribute money to a wedding do get a certain about of say in it, so if they're not contributing anything, certainly take what they request under consideration, but you're not obligated in any way. I would recommend you get your FI to deal directly with your FILs about guest list information/wedding planning. At a certain point, the two of you can say to them, "We need to send invitations out by X date. If we don't have address information, etc. by that point, we'll assume they're not being invited."

misshart00 · June 2013

If they're not contributing, then your fiancé should make his sides guest list. They don't have much say, you're right.

But I still think I would drop the money thing. Maybe they've changed their minds.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

cmalork said:

Then she really shouldn't have a say in guests lists and such then right? She is taking forever in getting my guest list information and any information regarding that side of the family. My FI is just a bit hurt and confused since they have been spending $1000's upon $1000's of dollars on the baby, furniture and such and ignoring the wedding all together. Should I just not look for any input from them since they seem to care less?

Just because they're not forking over their savings doesn't mean they couldn't "care less". My FI's parents didn't contribute a dime to our actual wedding (I was surprised since they're loaded, but didn't expect it one way or the other), but they're very excited. Am I asking for their input in planning? Nope, but I'm not being tit for tat about it. They asked to invite over 50 people - we drew the line there. We told them that we could not afford to host that many people and gave them a number of slots and told them to figure it out. We did NOT say, "well if you want to invite people, you need to fork it over, tightwads!" Don't play games - don't turn this into a, "well you didn't give us any money, so F your friends that you wanted to invite!" If you can afford to give them slots, do it.

An attitude that will save you and FI a lot of "hurt" here is: We're not going to be hurt if they don't give because we don't expect them to, but we will be grateful if they do. Simple.

Kate61487 · June 2013

cmalork said:

Then she really shouldn't have a say in guests lists and such then right? She is taking forever in getting my guest list information and any information regarding that side of the family. My FI is just a bit hurt and confused since they have been spending $1000's upon $1000's of dollars on the baby, furniture and such and ignoring the wedding all together. Should I just not look for any input from them since they seem to care less?

This is true to an extent. They don't have any footing to make demands, but I would try to be considerate - if your parents are inviting lots of friends it would be nice to at least let them have a few. And you can't ban FI's entire family just b/c his parents aren't paying - who he wants there should be treated equally with who you want there.

FI should talk to his mother and lay it out. "Mom, we need [your guest list / addresses / whatever you're waiting on] by X date or none of them will be invited."

And for a lot of people grand kid > party. Plus having a crib is sort of a necessity, whereas a big party with all your college friends isn't. Perhaps they think a large wedding is frivolous and would rather give you money for a down payment on a house or YOUR baby when the time comes. AND depending on when in August the baby will probably be here before your invitations even need to go out - so they still have time. Bottom line, it's none of your business how they spend their money.

Kate61487 · June 2013

cmalork said:

They had offered before we all found out that his brother's girlfriend was having a baby. Her and I had talked about this even before the engagement.

Since they offered I *might* try one last outreach (depending on how many times you've already brought it up). Have your FI talk with his dad: "Dad, you and mom mentioned you'd like to help with the wedding. We're setting our final budget now, so if you'd still like to contribute I need to know. If plans have changed since bro's baby is on the way we completely understand" Then stop even thinking about it.

cmalork · June 2013

Well they are not even excited about the wedding. So I guess I am just going to do what we can that will be that. It's a small wedding with lots of family on both sides. We are cutting back costs in a lot of ways. Most of the friends are from church and that is pretty much it.

itzMS · June 2013

cmalork said:

They had offered before we all found out that his brother's girlfriend was having a baby. Her and I had talked about this even before the engagement.

Just here to emphasize for the 10th time that your FI should be talking to his own parents.

"Mom and Dad, we need your guest list with addresses by June 22nd so we can order invitations. We won't be able to add any additional guests after that point"

tammym1001 · June 2013

cmalork said:

Then she really shouldn't have a say in guests lists and such then right? She is taking forever in getting my guest list information and any information regarding that side of the family. My FI is just a bit hurt and confused since they have been spending $1000's upon $1000's of dollars on the baby, furniture and such and ignoring the wedding all together. Should I just not look for any input from them since they seem to care less?

If your FI is hurt that they are ignoring his wedding then he needs to talk to them about that, but not about money. If they want to contribute money then they will. If you need a guest list then you or your FI needs to give them a deadline and just say matter of factly "we need your guest list and addresses by x date if you want them included on the invites." If they don't get it to you then those people don't get invited. To your last question, if your FMIL isn't interested then I would say yes stop looking for input from her. The only thing you're doing by trying to force them to care is getting you and your FI's feelings hurt.

cmalork · June 2013

I just wish my FML would care about the wedding even a little. I want her help and input. I don't want her left out in the dark. I could care less money wise, I just want her to be involved in helping pick things. I guess that is what hurts more is the fact that she won't even look at anything with me and wants me to help with everything regarding the baby.

itzMS · June 2013

cmalork said:

I just wish my FML would care about the wedding even a little. I want her help and input. I don't want her left out in the dark. I could care less money wise, I just want her to be involved in helping pick things. I guess that is what hurts more is the fact that she won't even look at anything with me and wants me to help with everything regarding the baby.

Have you ever thought that perhaps she honestly just doesn't WANT to help you?

Ultimately, you and your FI should be making wedding decisions, not your parents.

runpipparun · June 2013

When we got engaged, the first thing my FI's mom piped up with was, "You make more money that your father and I put together, so you will have to pay for everything, and besides it will cost us thousands of dollars to even drive down to attend your wedding." (How, I'm not sure...) But gee, thanks, FMIL, glad to know you're supportive and happy for us... We still asked her to make a guest list and everything, keeping the number reasonable to what my mom and dad (who have demanded to pay for our wedding) could afford. FMIL was miffed that it wasn't more (of course). In the end, it turned out that her b*tching about money was indicative of her lack of support for our union and her trying to make FI feel guilty for getting married without her consent. They are not even coming to our wedding, in the end.

It doesn't seem like that is the case for you. Be thrilled and grateful that you have your FILs support and love, even if they are not contributing financially and even if their attention is split at the moment. That is worth more than money ever will be. Just. Sayin'.

Xstatic3333 · June 2013

cmalork said:

Then she really shouldn't have a say in guests lists and such then right? She is taking forever in getting my guest list information and any information regarding that side of the family. My FI is just a bit hurt and confused since they have been spending $1000's upon $1000's of dollars on the baby, furniture and such and ignoring the wedding all together. Should I just not look for any input from them since they seem to care less?

My FMIL would not help with this either. She actually is interested in many wedding things, but was not willing to get us addresses. How we handled it is that FI made his side of the family's list and then showed it to her when they were in the same place. She made a couple of additions and gave the okay, then he figured out addresses himself. She didn't make any unreasonable requests though; if she had we probably would have given her a "friend limit" equal to the amount of friends my parents wanted invited.

My FILs are not making a major financial contribution either, but his side of the guest list is still longer. That's life.

annathy03 · June 2013

Kate61487 said:

cmalork said:

They had offered before we all found out that his brother's girlfriend was having a baby. Her and I had talked about this even before the engagement.

Since they offered I *might* try one last outreach (depending on how many times you've already brought it up). Have your FI talk with his dad: "Dad, you and mom mentioned you'd like to help with the wedding. We're setting our final budget now, so if you'd still like to contribute I need to know. If plans have changed since bro's baby is on the way we completely understand" Then stop even thinking about it.

This. Since they had offered previously, your FI can ask in exactly this manner exactly once if he's inclined, but you shouldn't be bringing it up. And if they aren't contributing they don't get a say in the guest list, but you still need to consider their requests within reason.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

cmalork said:

I just wish my FML would care about the wedding even a little. I want her help and input. I don't want her left out in the dark. I could care less money wise, I just want her to be involved in helping pick things. I guess that is what hurts more is the fact that she won't even look at anything with me and wants me to help with everything regarding the baby.

Read these threads to find horror stories about over involved FMILs and then say a little prayer for your FMIL. If you want to involve her, extend an olive branch and invite her dress shopping when you go. If someone is throwing a shower for you, it's ok to ask if FMIL can be invited. Ask her to go to the stationary store and look at invites. Take her out to lunch and ask her about centerpieces. Tell FI to work with her a groom's cake. Etc...

In other words, take her on woman-dates that are wedding centric if you really want her to be more involved. You'll probably both end up really valuing this time together.

StPaul0102 · June 2013

cmalork said:

Then she really shouldn't have a say in guests lists and such then right? She is taking forever in getting my guest list information and any information regarding that side of the family. My FI is just a bit hurt and confused since they have been spending $1000's upon $1000's of dollars on the baby, furniture and such and ignoring the wedding all together. Should I just not look for any input from them since they seem to care less?

I thought my engagement and wedding planning in general was going to be the coolest thing in the world. Then my sister got pregnant and that all went out the window. Wedding planning is fine, sometimes fun, but my sister is growing a human! That is just a billion times more interesting. My family is great about spreading the love around but I would seriously rather look at baby names and write birth plans with my sister then pick out STD stationary any day. I wouldn't take it personally. The first baby to come into a family is just seriously exciting business.

eta: AH! Bad grammar.

stantokm · June 2013

cmalork said:

I just wish my FML would care about the wedding even a little. I want her help and input. I don't want her left out in the dark. I could care less money wise, I just want her to be involved in helping pick things. I guess that is what hurts more is the fact that she won't even look at anything with me and wants me to help with everything regarding the baby.

Some people just aren't into weddings. I sympathize with you, but you need to accept it if she doesn't want to help. It most likely isn't because she doesn't like you or doesn't want you to have a nice wedding. It's like if my husband asked my opinion on his Magic: The Gathering cards--I have no opinion because I have zero interest in his game. If he asked for my help picking out cards, I would decline or suffer through it. So don't take it personally if she's not helping.

cmalork · June 2013

That makes the most sense to me. I am just the type of person that I don't want her to feel left out. If she doesn't want to be involved then I guess I will have to live with that and move on.

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