FSIL advice/vent (probably will be long)

nextrightthing · June 2013

I'm going to make this as short as I can, although there is lots of backstory that may or may not be relevant.

My FI's mom passed away last month from cancer. FI is very sad, obviously. Before FMIL died, FSIL called FI and told her she would be the administrator of the will. FSIL scheduled the memorial for July.

A couple weeks after FMIL died, FSIL texted FI and said , "contacted the lawyer who wrote the will and he hasn't call back yet. Found a lawyer in [another city on the other side of the state]. She wants me to find out from you if you will be ok with signing off on getting your 40% less fees." FI's response was basically "why are you texting me about this?" She later apologized and explained that she was "ready to get all this started."

FI then got a letter from an annuity company stating he is a beneficiary of such and such policy of mom's and blah blah blah. FI asked FSIL what this letter was about and what he was supposed to do about it. FSIL got upset and said, "that annuity is supposed to be for me, mom said that I'm getting that one and you are getting the other one." She said that her mom told her that she wanted FSIL to have the larger annuity and for FI to have the smaller one. She then called FMIL's boyfriend who got really pissed at FI and "said a lot of bad stuff about him" because apparently "they have underlying issues" that FI knew nothing about.

FI was blind-sided, I think, by the fact that this was even being discussed so soon after FMIL died and before the memorial. He basically said, "if it turns out that was mom's wishes, we'll work it out." She took this as him offering to give her money or something, so she later called and said, "Billy boyfriend is so glad you decided to honor mom's wishes." At that point FI told her that he wasn't discussing any of it anymore until after the memorial.

Turns out both the annuities are 50/50 between FSIL and FI. FI emailed FSIL and explained that this made sense, that this is what FMIL would have wanted, that she wouldn't want them arguing about money, that he loved her etc.

FSIL sent him a nasty text saying, "I know what mom's wishes are. I'm not going to lie for you, if that's what you're asking." So FI spouted off with an email asking for details about why she is so upset and why apparently Billy boyfriend is so upset. He was pretty much at the end of his rope and wasn't super mean, but he did point out that she was the one who got all the money talk started before they so much as had a funeral or memorial.

So for whatever reason she called me because FI was at work and she wanted to work it out or something. And I stupidly talked to her about it. I really wish I had just said this is none of my business. We didn't argue or anything. She just went on and on about how she doesn't care about the money, she doesn;'t understand why FI is so upset, FI hurt her feelings by implying that all she cares about is the money, etc. I tried to just repeatedly say that they shouldn't be fighting over money and that this is ridiculous and that I can't even believe this is going on. She tried to say it was Billy Boyfriend who was upset about how the annuities were split up, etc. She said that mom's lawyer was supposed to change the beneficiaries and didn't and that Billy Boyfriend was there when mom told the lawyer this. I just explained that FI is hurt and that they shouldn't let this fuck up their entire relationship.

She said that she is fine with things being the "way they are on paper" but that FI needs to call and make things right with Billy Boyfriend.

FI is very, very, very upset and hurt. At first he thought she was being honest but now he thinks that be is being manipulated and that FSIL is throwing it in his face that she was mom's favorite. He is so upset with her that he is saying he doesn't want to see her, doesn't want to go her wedding next weekend, that I shouldn't go to her bach party tomorrow, etc. I know he will cool down and we will go to her wedding and be happy for her.

I guess the advice I need is more how to support FI through this because I can't say anything to help him understand it or to make it better. I kjnow I need to stay out of it, although she brought me into it which sucks. I still should have told her I'm not going to talk to her about it because it is none of my business.

I'm really sad that they are acting like this.

MoonlightSilver · June 2013

Cut off any communication if she brings up the topic. "Sorry FSIL, but I told you I wont talk to you about this. Have a great day" and hang up the phone.

Why the fuck she's getting in the middle of what Billy BF wants, I don't know. Was BF in FMIL's life for a long time? If yes, he should have talked to FI himself if he was upset; if no, then he should stay the fuck out of it. I would NOT have FI call BF or talk to him about this issue unless BF brings it up himself. You can't trust what FSIL says about other people's feelings.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

Late FMIL's BF shouldn't have anything to say about the money so long as he isn't being asked to pay for any of the memorial/burial costs. Why did he freak out on FI? Why were they even talking?

FI needs to take a breath and a break from his sister.

You need to avoid this situation, like Moonlight said.

FSIL needs to wait for the other lawyer.

OliveOilsMom · June 2013

It sounds like FSIL is being really shady for her own goals or being manipulated by Billy BF. Do not let the other lawyer FSIL wants to have work on your behalf (and did you state right that the lawyer wants 40% of the estate to do all the work? - it seems high). Either use the one who drew up the will or get your own.

If FI's mom wanted the beneficiaries changed, it could have been done by her will or she would have had to sign some forms at some point regarding this change, so I doubt its the lawyers fault.

If FSIL won't rely on the actual will, then FI should get his own attorney to ensure the will is executed to his mom's wishes.

I would gracefully back out of FSIL's b-party if you can, but still attend her wedding. Not attending the wedding could be a huge rift between the two that will never heal. So if all of these potential problems with the will never occur, that could be the thing that FSIL will hold over your heads forever.

nextrightthing · June 2013

Thanks all. I will go with what HoorayforSoup said and just let him vent and be a sounding board. For something he likes, I think a BJ will do. Lol, I'm only half-serious. Going forward I will be totally silent with everyone but him and I will tell her I don't want to discuss it. As for the b-party, I need to see what FI thinks after having slept on it last night. I don't want to be in a situation with her being buzzed and bringing this up. I told FI that going to the wedding is probably important because it will prevent a shit pile of problems for years to come.

Stage, I agree that it is ridiculous and seems easy to remedy. The annuities aren't part of the will, ....they are just through the insurance company and the beneficiaries are whomever she designated through the company. The annuity companies both say 50/50. FSIL told me she called the lawyer who drafted the will and who Boyfriend says was supposed to change the beneficiaries. That lawyer told her that he never would have told mom that he would change the beneficiaries in the annuities.

The Boyfriend got involved because FSIL called him and told him what was going on and asked what mom's wishes were. FI didn't call him. Boyfriend told FSIL that he was really upset and basically hates FI, and FSIL reported that to FI. We don't know what Boyfriend really thinks or feels. He and FMIL were together maybe five years....FI doesn't really remember. FMIL went through chemo in 2008-ish and FI, not Boyfriend, took her back and forth so FI thinks they weren't together then.

The lawyer didn't say her fees were 40%, although that's how FSIL's text made it sound. His portion of the estate is apparently 40% minus her fees, whatever they are.

I'm hoping he doesn't have to get his own lawyer and/or contest anything, because FMIL would not have been happy with that and it will be hard on FI. We also live in a different state from where FMIL is so it will be difficult...

With this and with my co-worker being shady (see my other post), humanity isn't looking great to me today.

kbsmom1 · June 2013

agreed that this was all too soon......but at some time soon your FI needs to see a copy of the will. Who is the Executor????? That person has to follow the letter of the will or trust to the letter not what some percieved changes might have occured that was heresay. The will should state how the divisions should be....50-50 or whatever...including cash on hand, money in CDs, savings acounts, checking, her home, cars, other valuables. She should have to go thru Probate Court for a will and its there where all expences and monies ect are accounted for. Annuities, insurance , and stocks usually have beneficiaries that are listed with the companies where they are held that are NOT part of the will. whoever is the executor must provide receipts for wnything withdrawn from the estate. In order to do anything you must have a Death Certificate, usually Letters of Testimentary and copies of the will sometimes. So sorry you have to deal with this and so sorry for your loss.

nextrightthing · June 2013

FSIL is the executor.

OliveOilsMom · June 2013

If FSIL is the executrix, then your FI needs to get copies of all of the paperwork to see for himself. If FI doesn't want to hire his own lawyer (which from the more details you add, seems like he should), then FI should suggest that the lawyer who drafted the will should be the one to handle the division of assets.

Since FI hasn't spoken with Billy BF first hand, he should not believe anything that is supposedly said by him.

Also, if FSIL has not filed anything with the Probate Court, FI should offer to be co-executor with FSIL. You can have 2. This may cause FI to make multiple trips to the area his mother lived in, but he will be more involved and have, hopefully, a better understanding of whats going on. I don't think you can add another executor to an estate once the will is filed with Probate Court though. But that's why FI should either speak with his own lawyer or the lawyer who drafted the will.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

OP, I'm going to be honest here and tell you that you need to retain legal aid. The executor is behaving in an erratic and suspicious manner, as well as being openly hostile to other beneficiaries of the estate. There is so much wrong here that potentially leaves you and your FI open to legal slight or harm, that it's alarming.

I know it's emotionally difficult, but ask her for acopy of the will. I'll put all my money on her refusing. It is at that point legal aid is vital to have on hand.

RebeccaB88 · June 2013

I totally agree with Pele. Someone has dollar signs in their eyes and they want this estate for themselves. You need your own attorney NOW, preferably one who specializes in estate law. I've been through this with other family and I'm thinking they tried to get her to change things in their favor before she passed, and maybe she said something about doing it but never did and they want to try to use that now. You need to protect YOU. There's nothing wrong with that.

Jen4948 · June 2013

I have to agree with the above PP who recommend getting a lawyer. Your FI needs one who is familiar with estate law in the jurisdiction where his mother died.

Regardless of what your FSIL thinks and what she claims her mother may have said in her final days, whatever the will and insurance and retirement fund paperwork say are her "final wishes" in the eyes of the law and nobody has the right to distribute your mother's property in any other manner.

But in any case, all the best to your FI. Losing a parent is bad enough; a family fight on top of that is horrible.

nextrightthing · June 2013

Thanks all. It sounds like they came to an agreement to just have it the way it is in the paperwork. I think FSIL probably realized she looks like a total jerk. We haven't called a lawyer yet but are certainly prepared to if necessary.

FSIL advice/vent (probably will be long)

Re: FSIL advice/vent (probably will be long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards