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Uninviting sister's guests... a week before (long)

yellowrose314yellowrose314 member
100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
edited June 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I'm going to try and make this as short as I can... back story is my sister relapsed about 2 weeks ago, badly. One of her best friends, who's about 9 months into her own sobriety, picked her up and along with the friend's mother, helped get my sister to the treatment center so she could go into detox; they did this because my mother or I at the time were not able to get to where my sister lives on such short notice. We really appreciated all the help they were giving us and supporting my sister and my mom and I.

Flash forward 2 weeks. My sister finished her detox program, and the plan was that the treatment center was allowing her to leave and come to the wedding for the day (she's the MOH). FYI, I was incredibly adamant that this would only be possible if it was advisable by her counselor and doctor; if they deemed that it was not a good idea for her to go, I would have told her she needed to stay in treatment and not come, because her health is more important than our wedding. Anyways, her friend and her friends mother were going to be the ones to escort her up here, as they live in the area where the treatment center is. My sister was already bringing her friend as her guest, but my mom said that we couldn't ask the mom to bring them up and not invite her, so we invited her and her husband, last minute yes, but it was necessary. I'm not a big fan of my sister's friend, but that's who she wanted to come, and her mother is.... interesting but I was very thankful that she would be willing to do that for my sister and all the support and love she was giving her while she was in treatment. I should mention that we were absolutely not giving her details of my sister's treatment/detox, as it was confidential, despite her constantly calling and asking specific, personal questions...

Now, my sister has been to treatment before, and this new treatment center where she went has a very aggressive program (and not in a good way), and my sister asked to be discharged after her detox and continue her treatment at her alumni center where she originally went. This was all happening yesterday when I was in the midst of my bachelorette party. She called me asking her to come pick her up, I deferred her to my mom, who made arrangements for her to come home, where she's going to stay, go to her meetings all week, every day, no exceptions and then continue with her alumni treatment center next week. Next thing I know her friends mom is texting me a gazillion text messages every 3 seconds about how this is wrong, we shouldn't be doing this, my sister needs to stay there, yes it's an aggressive program but it's worth it etc etc. Then she starts calling me. And I'm like, my mom is handling this, everything is under control, if you want to discuss this please phone her. This woman starts to get really mean... I wont' get into details but I basically told her that it was none of her business, thank you for her support but we were handling this as a family. Then my sister's friend starts calling my sister, also being very mean and rude.

So my sister and my mom have decided that they don't want either of them at the wedding. To be fair, the mother was only invited because she was the ride, and her husband was only invited because she was invited. I only invited the friend because that was my sisters courtesy +1. I have no problem uninviting these people because honestly, I don't know them all that well and I invited them as a courtesy to my sister, who now no longer wants them there... what is the etiquette on this? I'm so sorry, I know it's a long read... if you've gotten all the way through I'd appreciate any advice you have to give.
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Re: Uninviting sister's guests... a week before (long)

  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    did any of these people actually receive a physical invitation or was the friend your sisters +1 on your sisters invite?


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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper

    Well I guess the first question is - would they come without your sister?  I mean it sounds like your sister is upset with them and won't be talking with them; so would they really still come if they weren't driving her?  If no - then don't worry about it; you don't have to do anything.

    If they WOULD still come because they're not getting the message that your sister doesn't want them involved then I would suggest your sister (if she's in a place mentally and emotionally that she can handle it) should call them and tell them that she feels they've been overly aggressive and she's not comfortable being around them and would appreciate it if they would not come.  This saves you from an etiquette faux pas b/c you as the host are not uninviting them, she as the original guest who got three +1s is uninviting them.

    If your sister is not in that place and it's really that important to you that they not come then I guess either you or your mom will need to call them and have a similar conversation

    Is this against etiquette - yes.  But ultimately etiquette is about treating people well and it sounds like you don't really care what these three think of you so....

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  • Sierra524Sierra524 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I have nothing to add other than what PPs have said. It's against etiquette, but in this situation I think it's okay.
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  • yellowrose314yellowrose314 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    To answer your questions, no they did not get an actual invitation, it was very last minute that the friends mother and her husband were invited; her friend was her +1 but my sister didn't decide until the last minute that that's who she would be bringing. And no, I didn't really want them there to begin with, but my sister wanted them there so I said they could come. I've already told my sister that if she doesn't want them there, she can tell them that because I barely know these people and don't feel comfortable asking them not to come, which she said is fine; she's better at that sort of thing then I am.

    @StageManager14 From what I've learned, the program they use is based on the idea that you need to break a person down before you can build them back up. They basically strip the addict down until they're at their lowest low, and then start the therapy from there. My sister does not respond well to this type of program, she's tried it before at her first attempt at treatment before she found her alumni treatment center. In addition, my sister's friend in question is in a point in her recovery where it's all about working the program, the program that my sister left, and is being very judgmental about my sister not wanting to do that program.
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  • hordolhordol member
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    I agree with everyone else--have your sister do the uninviting. It doesn't have to come off as rude (I'm assuming they understood they were invited because they were transporting your sister), she can just say something like, "I really appreciate you being willing to take me to my sister's wedding, but now that I'm home with family that is no longer necessary. Thank you again for being available!" or something like that.
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  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2013
    StageManager14 said:
    Honestly, I agree with Kate that I doubt they'd come without your sister, so this is probably a non issue. There is no reason to specifically "uninvite" them unless you believe they are still planning to come. In that case, as your sister's guests, it would fall on your sister to do the uninviting. If she isn't able, I would suggest your mother do it. I think you, as the bride, should not touch this with a 10ft pole. I do have to wonder though if they maybe had a point. I am very curious as to what the "aggressive" treatment program looked like.

    I agree...From my experience (and I have alot), patients who want OUT of program because it is too "aggressive" are probably the ones who need to stay the most....I have seen a million people get pulled out of programs over the years because "I want to do it this way instead", it rarely goes well. When addicts start to want to work their OWN program, they usually relapse because it is a HUGE red flag to professionals that their old"addict" behaviors are still in charge.

     

    Sorry, but I read this post more of a concern for your sister, than about your wedding because I see all the signs. Her friends parents might have a valid point.

    I hope it works out, but please tread lightly

     

     

     


     

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  • yellowrose314yellowrose314 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thanks everyone. Yes it puts up a lot of red flags for me too, but we're all at the point where we have to take a step back and take care of ourselves. We've been going through this with her for 3 years and we're all at a point mentally, emotionally and financially where we can no longer support her. I'm really struggling with it because she's my baby sister and everything in me is telling me that I should protect her and help her in any way I can but I just can't. 

    At this point, I have suspicions that she's already relapsed after being home for 2 days. She came to see me at work this morning alluding to the fact that she had used the night before, and she was very upset and feeling guilty. I'm at a loss of what to do at this point. She knows no one can afford to put her back in treatment and unfortunately it's a minimum 2 week wait to get assessed by the health authority where we live for public programs. To say that the mental health and addictions sector of my health authority is a joke is kind of an understatement. So I've pretty much detached myself emotionally from all of this, as hard as it is to do. Thank you for your support though, I really appreciate it. 
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  • yellowrose314yellowrose314 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @coopergirl15 thank you :)
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