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Moms and Maids
JD71114
member
Autistic Sister-In-Law
Hi Knotties!
I have a slight dilemma and am need of really clever advice.
My future sister-in-law is autistic, 26 years old. There was a falling out with another family member over the fact that the bride in a previous wedding said that her wedding "wouldn't be perfect" if she went along with including my future SIL. Of course, I want her to be involved in my wedding and to wear a bridesmaids dress. I don't see her walking down the aisle without having a melt down, and I don't want her itching her crotch on the altar either, but I want it to be known that I want her involved in other ways. What are some ways I can do this and SAY this without coming off rude or insensitive?
As always, thank you in advance for your advice!
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Re: Autistic Sister-In-Law
He ended up walking down the aisle wonderfully, and sure enough ended up with a chair to sit in (in line with the others, who were all standing up; it was very cute actually), and was actually the best-behaved child there. The point is, I'd give here a "role" in the wedding as bridesmaid if you like, put her name in the programs if you order them, and if she's overwhelmed that day and doesn't walk, and people ask where your other bridesmaid is, I'd say "oh she had to sit down" or whatever and not worry about it
My sister has something called Jacobsen Syndrome. It's impossible to describe it, but the closest thing I can relate it to is Down Syndrome. People ask me all the time about her level of "function" or what "age" she REALLY is, and those are the most obnoxious questions. They're impossible to answer.
My sister is not one of my bridesmaids. She isn't exactly capable of understanding what that means. She doesn't know what marriage is, in the same sense that the rest of us on here would talk about. She just knows that my FI is someone who's now in her life, and is most closely associated with me. Then again, she's more aware of what's going on than we realize, as her expressive abilities are severly lacking. Anyway, my point is that it didn't make sense for her to be a bridesmaid. She's going to be ushered in by my brother right before the ceremony starts. She'll be the last person escorted to their seat before the mothers. Do we know how she's going to act that day? Nope. But we know all the possibilities, and we're ok with that, because that's who she is. If it makes anyone else uncomfortable, then I was wrong to think that they're close enough to my family to be invited to the wedding.
Well, I wrote more than I was planning. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only person on here who's been in this situation. Only you and your family can decide what is best here, because you're the only ones who know her. Everyone has different levels of "functioning". If you're able to have a conversation with her, I would definitely talk to her about it. Either way, talk to her parents/caregivers to see what they suggest.
Good luck!
Some options that I can think of:
Have the BP sit (as pp's suggested)
She can sit with her parents after the processional (if that's what she wants, but don't force her)
She can wear a BM dress, but stay a guest
She can walk with someone down the aisle (maybe FFIL?) wearing either a BM dress or a different dress, and sit down
Or she can attend as a guest in whatever dress she wants.
You have lots of options, and considering that you think she might not be able to handle it well, you may want to just list her has a BM, wear the dress, and not process, or have her walk down with a relative she is close to and sit down with family.
I taught autistic young adults for years-- they were "high functioning" and all they wanted was to be "normal" (as they would say). They would do fine in this situation--one of my students was his dads "best man" at his dad's second wedding. He was so excited for it. I was invited to the wedding to help my student throughout the ceremony/reception (they just had him arrive 1hr before for some pictures) and it was so cool to see him being so happy and feeling so important. He gave a toast (which was awesome) and when he was ready to go, we left, which was right after dinner.
What a beautiful gesture of acceptance on your part.
Moral of the story is to talk to FSIL, her mom and/or caregiver and figure out what she would be comfortable with and then take the time to prepare her for the role. All of your guests will understand if she is standing at the altar and does something inappropriate.
Anyway......
My brother-in-law has Asperger's. Originally he was the best man, but asked to be a groomsmen instead because he didn't want to give the speech in front of everyone. During the year prior to our wedding we "coached" him about his behavior. We continually reinforced what was acceptable behavior and what was not. He was fantastic at the wedding. He was the life of the party and socialized with everyone!
Another note. When my husband and I first started dating, my husband told me that his brother was "different". Within 20 minutes of meeting BIL I knew he has Asperger's (I'm a teacher). My husband was impatient and sometimes mean to his brother, until he understood what Asperger's was. Now that he knows about autism and Asperger's, my husband is more patient and kinder to his brother. They have a much better relationship now.
Education/Knowledge is SO important.
I am going to have a really small family wedding. Originally when I thought about having a bigger wedding, we thought he could be in charge of the guest book or helping pass out programs because he would have enjoyed that.
My other advice would be see what she wants. Treat her as the important person she is and discuss with her what she would like to do. Be patient and remember it may take several times of discussing it with her to get the answer that will work best for you guys.
I applaud you for wanting to include her in your special day. Best of luck as you plan how best to do that.