In-laws are a yes, mine, are a no.

Re: In-laws are a yes, mine, are a no.

• MuppetFan member

  

  June 2013

  Honestly, I think it's a mistake to get married now. Take your sister out of the picture, that's really irrelevant. Take your dad out of the picture, having him be able to see you get married is also irrelevant. 
  
  There should be no rush here. There is just so much growing that you're going to do over the next few years and that, in addition to school is stressful. You don't need something so serious to happen during this time. There are things you're both going to go through, you might grow closer through it, you might grow further apart, but either way, the option of marriage isn't going anywhere. Wait to marry until you can make the decision to marry for the right reasons. What you've mentioned are not the right reasons.
  

    
  You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  
  

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• tiny speck member

  

  June 2013

  I agree with everything Muppet said. Especially the last bit: you need to get married for the right reasons, and it doesn't sound like you're there yet.
  

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• MoonlightSilver member

  

  June 2013

  
  

  NotTooYoungToBeInLove said:

  I am very young, and I know that.
  My boyfriend purposed to me with his mothers wedding ring, before she died of cancer.
  His grandparents have offered to pay for the wedding, and all of his family knows about our engagement, but mine don't.
  Here is why, I am scared of my parents will say. We want to marry the summer before I go to collage.
  My sister who is 22, had been dating this guy for two years and just broke their engagement three days ago and their friendship.
  My dad is going blind, we have taken to eye therapy and gotten him eye shots and lots of other things, but nothing is helping. I want to be able to have him see his little girl is growing up, but will my sister hate me because her younger sister is getting married before she does?
  
  
  

  If you're too scared to tell your family that you're engaged, you're not ready to get married. If this is the guy you're going to spend the rest of your life with, there's no rush to get married. You still call him your boyfriend- why don't you keep him that way for a few more years? 
  

  
  

  For some perspective- I met my now husband at 14 years old. We knew we'd be together forever while I was in high school. He was ready to get married before I started college, but I said no- I want to wait until I've graduated from college. So we lived together, got engaged half way through college, and waited until I graduated to get married.

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  June 2013

  The other ladies are spot on.  One thing we always tell brides who are having family problems during the wedding planning is that if you are adult enough to get married you should be adult enough to address the family issues.  The same thing applies here.  You have even had some ladies advise you on their own similar situation.  There is nothing wrong with being engaged young, but your reasons for actually getting married now are not as important as you see them.  Stay engaged, go to college, when you have finished college - plan your wedding and get married then. 
  
  And in case you are going to do what you want regardless of the advice you've been given, here are some questions to think about:  Do you actually have a plan in place for being a married college student?  Does your college offer married housing for undergrads?  How will your household be supported? Will your BF work full time, will you have to work while also attending school?  These are all important questions you may not have asked yourselves yet.
  

  

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  June 2013

  I'm with Moonlight & Lia. Dating since 15, engaged junior year of college (which was long distance half way across the country... best decision we made!), now we're getting married in October after a almost 3 year engagement. We'll be 23 & 24. 

  
  

  If you can't tell your parents, you're absolutely too young because you can't own an adult decision. 

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• teacherjodee member

  

  June 2013

  I started dating my ex husband when I was a senior in high school. We got married at 21 and divorced at 25. We were still growing and learning who we were. My ex turned into an unrecognizable person. You may think you know yourself (I sure did), but young adulthood is a huge growing phase.

  

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• itzMS member

  

  June 2013

  Out of curiousity, is this a military situation? You mention that you're going to college...but what does your FI do? If he is in the military, please do your research. Being a young wife is difficult enough, add in the stress and uncertainty of the military...and that adds to the challenge. It can be done, but not without careful consideration.

  I only ask because it's pretty rare nowadays for a "regular" 18 year old guy (just guessing on his age) to propose to a girl and want to marry her the second she turns 18.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  June 2013

  Congratulations on finding the love of your life! When you two got engaged, you promised the rest of your lives to each other. Life is long and if you're going to be together forever, waiting to actually tie the knot until you're done with college is small fries. Just get it out of the way so you guys can concentrate on each other and your wedding. It seems really far away, but that time is seriously going to fly. There's nothing wrong with a long engagement. I kind of wish FI and I had a longer engagement - we would have been able to save more money and more carefully plan a dream wedding. We thought we had FOREVER with a 14 month engagement, but now I'm a few weeks out and getting really anxious that there's still a ton to do. 

  
  

  Look at Moonlight, Liatris and misssunshine - they waited and they're all really happy they did. 

  
  

  I'm not saying waiting/a long engagement is the right choice for you, but if you're not ready to tell your parents and involve them in such a special time in your life, it's a big red flag. It sounds like you already know that, though. And I'm really sorry to hear about your dad - I'd bet a million bucks if you asked him if he'd rather literally see you get married or have you not rush into marriage, he'd say he'd rather have you wait. Shoot - ask him! I'm sure he'll be honest with you. And I'm sure your sister wouldn't hate you for getting married before she does, but that's kind of irrelevant to whether or not this is the best choice for you and your fiancee. It just shouldn't make or break your decision, KWIM?

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• Blue & White member

  

  June 2013

  If you can't tell your parents you're engaged, I would question how serious the engagement is (as you seem to have a decent relationship with them. This may be different in other circumstances)
  
  And please, before you go to college, please drop the a from collage.
  
  And if you do plan on getting married before school, make sure you have some Jobs lined up. Life is expensive outside mom & dads house

  I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton

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• Summer2011Bride member

  

  June 2013 edited June 2013

  I think you should wait. I don't think you are getting married for the right reasons right now. People can and do change a lot from 18-22 or while they are going to college. I was most definitely not the same person entering college as I was exiting it.
  
  H and I started dating when we were 18 and were talking marriage within months. Yet we both wanted to be stable, financially, and not rush things so we didn't marry until I was 25. I'm not even saying you have to wait that long, but I think you are way too young right now and are rushing it. I'm assuming you're still in HS since it sounds like "the summer before college" is at least a little ways off? I teach high school, and while I have some students that are incredibly mature for their age, there is NO way any of them are prepared for marriage right now.
  
  At the absolute very least, you have no business getting married until you are mature enough to tell your family you are engaged.
  
  ETA: If you DID go through with your plan to marry before college, what jobs do you both have? How will you pay rent, utilities, groceries, etc? How will you pay for the wedding? What does your boyfriend do for a living, or is he in HS also?
  

  
  
  
  
  

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• libby2483 member

  

  June 2013

  Ditto PPs, especially Summer.  As a high school teacher, I don't think that even my most mature students are ready for marriage.  There is no harm in having a long engagement and waiting to actually get married.

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• winelover123 member

  

  June 2013

  If you're too scared to tell your family that you're engaged, you should not be getting married soon. I'm a young bride - I'll be an old married hag at the age of 22. I've been with FI since I was 18 and we could have married when we were both 20, but we wanted to be college graduates and financially stable when we marry, so we decided to wait. Seriously - there's no rush. Be engaged if you'd like (congrats!), but plan on a long engagement. That should help to quiet some of your parents' fears as well.
  
  I think married couples need to be financially independent. That means being able to afford rent, utilities, groceries, insurance, car payments - all of the big things. Are you financially independent? You say that you're going away to school - where is your FI going? With you? In the military? Into the workforce? It's fine and dandy to want to marry right now, but you have to think long term as well. I'd highly recommend a long engagement.
  

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• CarolinaHeart member

  

  June 2013

  NotTooYoungToBeInLove said:

  I am very young, and I know that.
  My boyfriend purposed to me with his mothers wedding ring, before she died of cancer.
  His grandparents have offered to pay for the wedding, and all of his family knows about our engagement, but mine don't.
  Here is why, I am scared of my parents will say. We want to marry the summer before I go to collage.
  My sister who is 22, had been dating this guy for two years and just broke their engagement three days ago and their friendship.
  My dad is going blind, we have taken to eye therapy and gotten him eye shots and lots of other things, but nothing is helping. I want to be able to have him see his little girl is growing up, but will my sister hate me because her younger sister is getting married before she does?
  
  
  

  Please, tell us how old you are. 

  
  

  You said THE summer before you go to college not THIS summer before you go to college which I'm taking to mean that you're still in high school? Like not even a senior?

  
  

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• hockeywife10 member

  

  June 2013

  Please, take if from someone who knows, from experience. I got married at 19, and my ex was 18. I had always just wanted that happily ever after, and I jumped for the first guy I thought I was in love with. Everyone said we were too young, but I didn't want to hear it. I grew up, and he stayed the same. We were together less than a year. If you truly love each other, it will last through college. I know it seems like forever, but its better than hearing I told you so and having a divorce under your belt, that could have been avoided!

  

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• manateehugger member

  

  June 2013

  OP, read this thread. I knew who I was going to marry at 19 - being engaged and knowing who your future husband is does not mean you're ready to get married. 

  
  

  http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/979594/engaged-and-18#latest
  

  

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• Ajuliana member

  

  June 2013

  Yeah, I'm going to need to know how old you are as well.  And you can be in love at 13, so being in love really has little to do with having to marry that person immediately once you realize you are "in love".  I met FI when we were 16, started dating at 18, and got engaged at 23 and will be married next year at 25.  

  
  

  We don't have any kind of debt, we have our degrees, and now a beautiful Beagle baby.  And even with a strong foundation and all of those positives above, we still have a lot of growing to do.  Please just enjoy knowing you two love eachother, and don't even think about planning until you're at least done with your first two years of college, and have a little more experience.  You will be SO grateful as a couple that you don't rush the big things like this, and just enjoy eachother.   

  
  

  
  Previously Alaynajuliana

  
  

  
  

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• keochan member

  

  June 2013

  I've been with FI since I was 16, we knew we wanted to get married years ago but we also wanted to be done with college and have solid jobs first. Our wedding is next year and I'll be 24, trust me, a lot can change in a relationship between 18-22ish. College is a time when you learn a lot about yourself and grow and mature, you two may grow together or you may grow apart, wait until you know which way it is before you get married.

  
  

  If you can't tell your parents you're engaged, you're not ready to get married.

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• Jessa617 member

  

  June 2013

  Here's my two-cents: I started dating my ex when I was 15, engaged at 19 and married at 20. I divorced by the time I turned 22. The problem was that I thought I was so ready and that he was the love of my life, but I was being naive because I was so young. I am not saying the same thing will happen to you, but the fact that you are questioning it, and afraid to tell your parents says a lot more than you think it does. I think you've already answered your own question.

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  June 2013

  FI and I met in college when I was 23 and he was 22. He knew he wanted to marry me but I needed more time. We focused on strengthening our relationship eventually getting engaged a little over a year later. We've both graduated from college now and looking for a place to live. Our wedding's in November. If he's the one and you have no doubt in your mind about it then you can wait to get married. Enjoy the time now. 

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• smalfrie19 member

  

  June 2013

  also putting in my two cents. i was with my ex from the time i was 16. we dated through high school and moved out together. we lived together for just over a year and were engaged for two weeks before i gave back the ring. He never grew up.. and now a year and a half after our break up, hes still as childish as the day we started dating. Thats not to say that this will happen to you, but you need to give yourself time to grow into the person you are going to be.

  

  
  

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