Groomsmen refuses to pay for attire.

pwyn · June 2013

One of our groomsmen just dropped out of the wedding party because we aren't renting tuxedos/suits. Is anyone else having a problem with their wedding party not agreeing to the attire?

calliopeia2013 · June 2013

Did you ask him his budget before picking out the attire?

bunni727 · June 2013

What are the GMs supposed to wear? Did he drop out because he expected you to pay for the rental, or are you expecting him to buy a new suit or tux?

pwyn · June 2013

We asked them to wear tan vests, Dockers type khaki pants, white dress shirts, any shoes and any ties. I thought most men would already have some of these items. We did not ask his budget but he says he expected to rent a Tux. This should be cheaper than renting. He says it's because he will never wear the clothes again.

LakeR2014 · June 2013

pwyn said:

We asked them to wear tan vests, Dockers type khaki pants, white dress shirts, any shoes and any ties. I thought most men would already have some of these items. We did not ask his budget but he says he expected to rent a Tux. This should be cheaper than renting. He says it's because he will never wear the clothes again.

It's only cheaper if he actually owns any of the above requirements. Does he? Or is the style clothes you're requesting not a typical choice of clothing for him. If it's not something he usually wears, all the above could be costly, and depending on where Tuxes are usually purchased, a significant amount more than the tux. Personally, I don't know anyone who owns a tan vest, aren't those expensive?

pwyn · June 2013

I was able to purchase his outfit for $85(that included shoes he didn't need). He wanted us to go with tuxes he found for $100. As far as leg work, I feel that's part of helping with the wedding. The other groomsmen only needed to buy the vest for $25. They both had everything else.

tammym1001 · June 2013

That is a lot of stuff for a guy to go find on his own. Most men don't like to shop and to have to go find 4 or 5 different fairly specific things would be enough to send most guys I know running for the hills too. That's a lot of work. Would you be able to locate the things he needs, preferably all at one store, to take some of the work out of it?

pwyn · June 2013

It really comes down to him not wanting to own the outfit, but he never said that when we showed it to him. I think he thought if he found a tux we would change our plan. He waited 6 months to tell us.

itzMS · June 2013

pwyn said:

I was able to purchase his outfit for $85(that included shoes he didn't need). He wanted us to go with tuxes he found for $100. As far as leg work, I feel that's part of helping with the wedding. The other groomsmen only needed to buy the vest for $25. They both had everything else.

Why did you purchase his outfit if he dropped out?

FWIW, my DH wouldn't be caught dead in the outfit you described, but would happily wear a suit or tuxedo (and often does). Perhaps the style made the ex-groomsman uncomfortable...it's a very specific "look". Some men are very uncomfortable in vests.

pwyn · June 2013

The vest was ordered on-line and everythig else could be purchased at the same store. A store he personally goes to everyweek.

pwyn · June 2013

I didn't actually purchase it. If the look was the problem he had plenty of time to say so.

tammym1001 · June 2013

If you purchased the outfit for him already then I don't even know what to say about that. It sucks he doesn' want to wear it, but he took himself out of the wedding party if he doesn't. It's nice to get input from the people who have to wear it, but if a suit or tux doesn't fit with the style of your wedding I don't think you should change it just to make one person happy. If he can't wear an outfit he doesn't like for one day for you wedding then that's pretty crappy of him. He doesn't have to keep the clothes after, he can donate them. He would be paying $100 to rent a tux that he wouldn't be keeping after either.

itzMS · June 2013

tammym1001 said:

If you purchased the outfit for him already then I don't even know what to say about that. It sucks he doesn' want to wear it, but he took himself out of the wedding party if he doesn't. It's nice to get input from the people who have to wear it, but if a suit or tux doesn't fit with the style of your wedding I don't think you should change it just to make one person happy. If he can't wear an outfit he doesn't like for one day for you wedding then that's pretty crappy of him. He doesn't have to keep the clothes after, he can donate them. He would be paying $100 to rent a tux that he wouldn't be keeping after either.

I think this is the wrong attitude to have.

Would you honestly make a bridesmaid wear a strapless dress if it makes her uncomfortable? Believe it or not, some men are also body-conscious and wearing a vest can emphasize things that they're self-conscious about.

I think there's more to the story here that the OP is leaving out.

MairePoppy · June 2013

Our local, family owned formal wear rental shop rents out suit separates. Could you make a few phone calls to see if vests and matching slacks are available for rent? Maybe he'll be able to find something if you point him in the right direction.

http://www.kohls.com/product/prd-c31201/steve-harvey-suit-separates.jsp#

http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/calvin-klein-vest-tan-cotton-slim-fit?ID=653001&PseudoCat=se-xx-xx-xx.esn_results

http://www.amazon.com/Perry-Ellis-Button-Natural-XX-Large/dp/B00B2HV7UW/ref=sr_1_53?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1371224114&sr=1-53&keywords=vest

Also check out Goodwill.

When you give a dress code, even if it's a relaxed one, you should be sure the items are available locally, so you're not sending anyone on a wild goose chase.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

itzMS said:

tammym1001 said:

If you purchased the outfit for him already then I don't even know what to say about that. It sucks he doesn' want to wear it, but he took himself out of the wedding party if he doesn't. It's nice to get input from the people who have to wear it, but if a suit or tux doesn't fit with the style of your wedding I don't think you should change it just to make one person happy. If he can't wear an outfit he doesn't like for one day for you wedding then that's pretty crappy of him. He doesn't have to keep the clothes after, he can donate them. He would be paying $100 to rent a tux that he wouldn't be keeping after either.

I think this is the wrong attitude to have.

Would you honestly make a bridesmaid wear a strapless dress if it makes her uncomfortable? Believe it or not, some men are also body-conscious and wearing a vest can emphasize things that they're self-conscious about.

I think there's more to the story here that the OP is leaving out.

I'm with @itzMS. There seem to be some gaps here.

pwyn · June 2013

I've told you everything he's said. If there is more to the story, he didnt tell me. I can only assume he didnt really want to be in the wedding in the first place.

MairePoppy · June 2013

If you've found the items at a reasonable cost and the gm doesn't want to buy them, then let him attend as a guest. I have a feeling he doesn't like 'the look' you're describing, since the cost is less than a tux rental.

If it's important for your fi to have his friend in the wp, then he could offer to buy the vest and pants for his friend.

itzMS · June 2013

pwyn said:

I've told you everything he's said. If there is more to the story, he didnt tell me. I can only assume he didnt really want to be in the wedding in the first place.

Perhaps.

It also might be a regional thing, but I haven't seen a guy my age (mid-late twenties) wear khaki Dockers since like, 1999. I totally appreciate your attempts for a "casual" look, but black or grey dress pants would've probably been a more common look, in retrospect.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

Seriously? I got flagged for what I said?

OP, it sounds like this GM is the one who's not telling you everything that's going on in his head. My advice is to let your FI deal with him. It does seem as though he's being a bit stubborn. If he chooses not to get the required attire, then he's taken himself out of the wedding. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

itzMS · June 2013

WTH did I get flagged for? @knotporscha can you please review/remove these for @wittykitty14 and I?

Thank you!

tammym1001 · June 2013

@itzMS and @wittykitty14: I just want you guys to know I didn't flag you. Since you quoted my post I'm not sure who else would have done it, but it wasn't me.

You're right that it is the wrong attitude to have, but it sounds like she has done everything she can to accommodate this guy without completely changing the look she wants for her wedding and I think he's being difficult.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

@wittykitty14 @itzMS We will review those flags as soon as we can. We're working through a few bugs within the system this week, so it is taking longer than usual to review.

MairePoppy · June 2013

@pwyn I see you're new to the community and may not understand the purpose of flagging. You use them to report abuse, such as a threat, hate speech, stalking, things like that. You don't use them to show that you disagree with a post. That, in itself, is considered abuse. When you post here, you are inviting all opinions, for your consideration. Please be careful with those flags.

@knotporshca could you please explain the purpose of using a flag?

[Deleted User] · June 2013

Please refer to this post about when to flag on the Knottie Help Board:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/977380/knottie-help

MairePoppy · June 2013

Thank you @Knot Porscha

Bubblegum5586 · June 2013

I don't think what your asking for is alot. Granted... things vary from region to region. But I feel most grown men have khaki pants, dress shoes, a white shirt and a tie (at least the last 3 if he's even been to a wedding before or plans on going to one in the future)... a tan vest... that's probaly unlikley.... but still one item to purchase that you already found online?

FI and I both had to wear items in to be in weddings that were not our best looks... but we chose our friends happiness on their wedding day.

But unfortunatly sometimes these things don't work out, and maybe GM saw this as a way to get out of the WP. Have him as a guest and don't stress. Just have fun at your weddding

MuppetFan · June 2013

Men procrastinate. He probably should've indicated to you this was a problem for him before now, but he didn't. So now he is and he's saying he would have paid for a rental. Ok...well maybe work within his logic.

Could you find out how much he's willing to spend, get the money, and purchase such items for him? He can give them back at the end.

If he's not willing to work with you, and you're not willing to pay for his share, then he's removed himself from the wedding party.

I agree to let FI deal with it if it's his groomsman.

kmbryant2413 · June 2013

bubblegum1309 said:

I don't think what your asking for is alot. Granted... things vary from region to region. But I feel most grown men have khaki pants, dress shoes, a white shirt and a tie (at least the last 3 if he's even been to a wedding before or plans on going to one in the future)... a tan vest... that's probaly unlikley.... but still one item to purchase that you already found online?

FI and I both had to wear items in to be in weddings that were not our best looks... but we chose our friends happiness on their wedding day.

But unfortunatly sometimes these things don't work out, and maybe GM saw this as a way to get out of the WP. Have him as a guest and don't stress. Just have fun at your weddding

What you think might not be a lot for someone might just not be feasible for someone else. Don't assume, like OP is doing, that the groomsman can afford it, is comfortable in it, or even likes it. It's a silly double standard to think that women are the only ones who might not like what they're asked to wear in a wedding. You wore things that you didn't like because you didn't speak up. That's your bad, and not everyone has to adhere to that.

My BF does not have khaki pants, or a white shirt. He has plenty of dress shirts, but not those items. And black shoes don't really go with khaki pants, so he'd have to buy brown ones too. Think a moment more before you assume that what works for you works for everyone on the internet. Same goes for you, OP.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

From what you've said:

The outfit you want them to wear = $85

The tux he would rather rent = $100

So it's not a money issue. And you said his rationale is that he would not wear the purchased clothes again. Right...and he also can't wear a RENTED tux again. So that's a moot point. Only knowing that, I can only come to two conclusions:

1) He's high maintenance and is being unreasonable about this

2) There's something he's not communicating that would better explain it (body image issues, didn't want to be in the wedding anyway, etc.)

I find it really odd that someone who's close enough to stand up for your groom is dropping out of your wedding over a pair of pants and a vest. If that's seriously all it is, I say let him drop out and attend as a guest.

phira · June 2013

From what it sounds like (please correct me if I'm wrong), he hasn't indicated that he cannot afford the attire, just that he doesn't want to wear it and he assumed he'd be renting a tux.

1) I can actually completely understand paying $100 to rent a tux and not wanting to pay $85 to purchase the outfit. However, I wonder if he's ever realized he could, I dunno, donate it to Goodwill if he doesn't want to keep it.

2) Would you be willing to pay for the attire for him? If the reason he's dropping out is that he really doesn't want to wear the outfit, then there's nothing you can do, obviously.

The way I see wedding party attire is that you can ask for certain things, but anything else, you have to pay for. And while a lot of brides here stress out over picking dresses for their maids that everyone will like, the long and short of it is that unless you tell your wedding party they can wear whatever they'd like, at least one person will not like what you've picked.

I do think that there are certain limitations on what you can ask people to wear. Rachel's "Princess Bubblegum" dress/hat from "Friends" was the kind of outfit that is so out of line that I would refuse to wear it. But asking a groomsman to wear Dockers and a tan vest is not humiliating. Honestly, I've worn bridesmaids dresses I've hated, but I never would have refused to wear.

tl;dr:

If it's a money issue, then you should offer to pay for it for him, especially since the vest is not something that I'd expect most guys to own. If it's not a money issue, and he doesn't want to wear the outfit, then he's not going to be a groomsman, for better or for worse.

winelover123 · June 2013

If he truly does not want to wear the outfit and does not get it, then he removes himself from the WP. There seem to be gaps - either he's not telling you something or you're not telling us something or he's just being unreasonable.

Either way, have FI explain that this outfit is cheaper and tuxes aren't the look you're going for. Can FI help his GM find a pair of reasonably priced pants (Target and Walmart are good - check the sales at JCPenny and Macy's too) and vest and shirt? Both black and brown shoes go with khakis - he may need some suggestions as to where to find inexpensive shoes.

ETA: grammar mistakes

Groomsmen refuses to pay for attire.

Re: Groomsmen refuses to pay for attire.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards