Chit Chat

Groomsman... grr... arg...

So, we're getting married next Friday (aaaahhh!). I will preface by saying that my fiance didn't choose his WP all that well and way too early (a year out). This problematic groomsman is a childhood friend with whom he's not been close for YEARS. I have lots of friends from high school I've lost touch with. I didn't suddenly try to build bridges by asking them to be in my WP. FI's reasoning is that he was super important to him at one point in his life. Oh well.

ANYWAY, the guy has been a bear to get ahold of from Day 1. Totally unresponsive. My FI tried phone, no dice. He tried email, no dice. Text was a no-go. The guy is super active on FB, but he doesn't respond to FB messages. Twice he's returned a phone call a month or so after FI calls him. They'll chat about the guy's business for awhile, then FI slips in wedding stuff. Then the next time we have something to ask or communicate, it's another pain in the ass to get a response. He missed the RSVP deadline, and didn't respond to FI's attempts to asking him if he was still coming. We thought he was dropping out. Then we had to bug him for food selections for him and his wife. And we're not asking much of our WP --- get a hotel room where we're booked ($100 per night), show up to the rehearsal on Friday evening (which is mandatory per our church and is followed by a food and booze-filled rehearsal dinner), show up in church-appropriate attire of your own choosing that you already own. That's it.

Last time they talked, six weeks ago, the guy said he was getting his hotel room the next day. We got a list of guests in the block yesterday, he's not on there. Called the hotel to check for stragglers who, I know have booked there, but maybe forgot to ask for the discount, and the guy hasn't booked a room yet. And of course, we've been confirming with everyone to make sure they know when and where to show up next Friday, and we can't get ahold of him. It's stressing my shit out.

Grrr... arrrggg.
image
«1

Re: Groomsman... grr... arg...

  • vk2204vk2204 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    I get that it is annoying when you can't get a hold of someone; but why does it matter if he books a hotel room or not?
    image 
    [Deleted User]snippet17
  • runpipparunrunpipparun member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    I suppose that's true. I'm not one to favor "even" sides or treat my people like mannequins. He's got a lady on his side, and I have 2 dudes on mine, and everybody is wearing something different. We just wanted our friends to stand up and support us. This guy hasn't really been the most supportive, and he's the only one I haven't met.

    ETA: Which is not to say that because I haven't met him, he's not welcome. He's just from a time in FI's life where he was different... Very conservative and closed-minded. If he were that way today, we wouldn't be together.
    image
  • vk2204 said:
    I get that it is annoying when you can't get a hold of someone; but why does it matter if he books a hotel room or not?
    Everyone is from OOT and smaller towns. We feel like staying together as a group will keep people from getting hopelessly lost. FI knows his friends better than I do. He felt like it was a good idea to travel together.

    Maybe he wants to hang out with his friends the night before. I dunno.
    image
  • runpipparunrunpipparun member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    Really? A groomzilla? People can show up wearing whatever they'd like. I believe bolo ties and cowboy boots are allowed. He didn't, unlike many people I know, demand some sort of bachelor nonsense, or for people to shave their unruly facial hair, or whatever else crazy grooms do. My brother was much worse.

    All he asked is for people to book a room on Friday night, mind you, not Saturday night, in the hotel we're staying in, so that we can leave together for the ceremony, and all arrive at the same time, since we're taking pictures when we get there.

    ETA: One of our folks are only doing one night so they can use a farm discount Saturday. We said, "Okay!"
    image
    [Deleted User]mrssjm
  • Honestly, with your wedding in 7 days, it sounds like this guy isn't worth your time/worry. If he doesn't show or he's not on time he just doesn't stand up for FI. Sounds like they're not going to keep in touch post-wedding anyway. It's a pain and annoying for sure, but don't sweat his flakiness... you have more important things to do, like get married :)
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    CLoGreenEyessnippet17
  • 500days500days MA member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    In my opinion, I think if he told you that he was going to book the hotel room he really should have stood by that. I guess at this point I would let it go, because he's an adult and you probably have more important things to think about right now. Listen to pp's and don't stress about this.


  • Really? A groomzilla? People can show up wearing whatever they'd like. I believe bolo ties and cowboy boots are allowed. He didn't, unlike many people I know, demand some sort of bachelor nonsense, or for people to shave their unruly facial hair, or whatever else crazy grooms do. My brother was much worse.

    All he asked is for people to book a room on Friday night, mind you, not Saturday night, in the hotel we're staying in, so that we can leave together for the ceremony, and all arrive at the same time, since we're taking pictures when we get there.
    Yes, really, a groomzilla.  Dictating that his guests MUST shell out $100 for even a single night in a hotel, for no reason other than he wants them to be in the same hotel as him is groomzilla behavior.  You'd do well to try and put him in his place on this one.  His expectations are unreasonable.
    Wow, so $600 per night I paid for my brother and SILs wedding was unreasonable? Someone really should have told me that ahead of time.
    image
    [Deleted User]MissMollymrssjm
  • I think it sounds like you're more worried he won't show up on time to the ceremony - or at all - than you are about whether or not he booked a room. I'd clarify if that's what you're worried about because that's totally legit - I'd be worried too the way you describe him. Whether or not he books a room is up to him (thus the groomzilla). 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • 500days500days MA member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Really? A groomzilla? People can show up wearing whatever they'd like. I believe bolo ties and cowboy boots are allowed. He didn't, unlike many people I know, demand some sort of bachelor nonsense, or for people to shave their unruly facial hair, or whatever else crazy grooms do. My brother was much worse.

    All he asked is for people to book a room on Friday night, mind you, not Saturday night, in the hotel we're staying in, so that we can leave together for the ceremony, and all arrive at the same time, since we're taking pictures when we get there.
    Yes, really, a groomzilla.  Dictating that his guests MUST shell out $100 for even a single night in a hotel, for no reason other than he wants them to be in the same hotel as him is groomzilla behavior.  You'd do well to try and put him in his place on this one.  His expectations are unreasonable.
    If everyone is truly from out of town like OP says, then I do not think it was unreasonable for the groom to make this arrangement. OP, I get your situation but maybe arranging for the same transportation to the ceremony would have been better?


  • I think it sounds like you're more worried he won't show up on time to the ceremony - or at all - than you are about whether or not he booked a room. I'd clarify if that's what you're worried about because that's totally legit - I'd be worried too the way you describe him. Whether or not he books a room is up to him (thus the groomzilla). 
    No, I'm trying to defend WHY we asked people to book a room in the hotel. I know at my brother's wedding, we had people running ridiculously late (including his photographer) and they ended up with 200 bridesmaid photos and about 5 family photos, because they ran out of time. We're doing attendant photos before the wedding, and I don't want people to be 30 minutes late because they got lost. So we asked people to book a room at the hotel so that we'd all be close and not get lost.

    But this guy, I dunno. I never know what to think. About 5 times I've thought he was backing out. If he does, he does. No big deal. Extra food for the homeless at the end of the night.
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    So if he's late, he doesn't get to be in pictures. Oh well. Let it go. There are bigger things to worry about a week before your wedding.
  • edited June 2013
    I think it sounds like you're more worried he won't show up on time to the ceremony - or at all - than you are about whether or not he booked a room. I'd clarify if that's what you're worried about because that's totally legit - I'd be worried too the way you describe him. Whether or not he books a room is up to him (thus the groomzilla). 
    No, I'm trying to defend WHY we asked people to book a room in the hotel. I know at my brother's wedding, we had people running ridiculously late (including his photographer) and they ended up with 200 bridesmaid photos and about 5 family photos, because they ran out of time. We're doing attendant photos before the wedding, and I don't want people to be 30 minutes late because they got lost. So we asked people to book a room at the hotel so that we'd all be close and not get lost.

    But this guy, I dunno. I never know what to think. About 5 times I've thought he was backing out. If he does, he does. No big deal. Extra food for the homeless at the end of the night.
    I totally see your reasons for WANTING everyone to stay at the hotel and I don't blame you at all for thinking it's a good idea. But you can't REQUIRE them to... that's where the bride-/groom-zilla comes in.

    If you're asking people to get a hotel, you should offer to foot the bill. Think of it this way... if you were a BM and the bride required you to get your hair, make up, and nails done (not optional) and picked the salon (you had no say in cost), it would be imposing and rude. I'm not saying this guy isn't a flake - he for sure is - but it's not ok to ask anyone to do something if you guys aren't picking up the tab. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    [Deleted User]RebeccaB88
  • 500days500days MA member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree @LingerLonger1. OP, bottom line- even if everyone stays at the hotel it doesn't necessarily mean they will all arrive together, on time to the ceremony. Again, what is the transportation for that day?


  • There is one WP member who is NOT from OOT. She is staying with her parents. Everyone else we asked to please, please, pretty please spend one night in the hotel where we made blocks. We offered subsidies if they could not afford it. They could spend the second night wherever they wished.

    Transportation is by their own cars. We're driving our own car.

    Re: my brother's wedding. The expectation was that we fly ourselves to LA and fork over the cash to stay at a swanky boutique hotel. It set us back considerably, and no, we could not really "afford it." But it was expected anyway. No one ever asked me my budget for dress, shoes, airfare, or hotel. FI was a "reader" and he had to rent a suit and shoes for it. I don't think it was right what they did, but I also don't think we are asking a lot for ONE night, when our WP's expenses consist of driving, and nothing else.


    image
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    We "nudged" our WP to stay at a particular hotel for logistics reasons.  They certainly weren't required to stay there or anywhere else.

    Most were OOT or had 1 hour+ drives to get to us, so they did, but it was not a requirement.

    In fact, the one who chose not to because of family commitments (family trumps wedding), was about 1 hour late for pictures (we did them all pre-ceremony), which caused us to rush pics and I never got any with us and my mom.  Didn't even know until after we got them back from the photog.  Disappointed, absolutely.  It certainly never made me say, it's all GM fault because he was late. 

     

    [Deleted User]
  • edited June 2013

    There is one WP member who is NOT from OOT. She is staying with her parents. Everyone else we asked to please, please, pretty please spend one night in the hotel where we made blocks. We offered subsidies if they could not afford it. They could spend the second night wherever they wished.

    Transportation is by their own cars. We're driving our own car.

    Re: my brother's wedding. The expectation was that we fly ourselves to LA and fork over the cash to stay at a swanky boutique hotel. It set us back considerably, and no, we could not really "afford it." But it was expected anyway. No one ever asked me my budget for dress, shoes, airfare, or hotel. FI was a "reader" and he had to rent a suit and shoes for it. I don't think it was right what they did, but I also don't think we are asking a lot for ONE night, when our WP's expenses consist of driving, and nothing else.


    TIme out. So you're asking these people to stay in a hotel (in the town where they live) because you don't trust that they'll be on time? OP, you're killing me here. I was on your side, but this is not cool. You shouldn't have offered subsidies, you should have offered free room and board. I'd be ticked as shit if I was asked to stay in a hotel 15 minutes from my house because someone didn't trust me to be on time. Like, wtf man? They're not 3 years old.

    Here's an alternative that is much less micromanaging - tell them pictures start 30 minutes before they actually start. Then have munchies and stuff for the people that get there "on time" so you guys can relax and chat it up while you stress-less-ly wait for the stragglers. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    NYCMercedes
  • runpipparunrunpipparun member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    There is one WP member who is NOT from OOT. She is staying with her parents. Everyone else we asked to please, please, pretty please spend one night in the hotel where we made blocks. We offered subsidies if they could not afford it. They could spend the second night wherever they wished.

    Transportation is by their own cars. We're driving our own car.

    Re: my brother's wedding. The expectation was that we fly ourselves to LA and fork over the cash to stay at a swanky boutique hotel. It set us back considerably, and no, we could not really "afford it." But it was expected anyway. No one ever asked me my budget for dress, shoes, airfare, or hotel. FI was a "reader" and he had to rent a suit and shoes for it. I don't think it was right what they did, but I also don't think we are asking a lot for ONE night, when our WP's expenses consist of driving, and nothing else.


    Then yes your brother and SIL's expectations WERE unreasonable, and if my brother expected those things of me I wouldn't attend his wedding, which would be awesome because I'd make a point that my brother was being an ass and save myself money at the same time. 

    Does that change anything for you?  I doubt it.  You're convinced you and your FI are right (and oh so generous because you're ONLY requiring one night), even though you're not, and I'm sure the very valid advice given here will go in one ear and out the other.  Have fun destroying your FI's relationship with his GM over a hotel room.


    You're very wrong, there, because while I'm venting here about the guy with no room, I'm not the sort to harp on people until they bow to my will, Linger, and the FI is generally non-confrontational. I told him to just let it be. If he shows he shows; if he misses the rehearsal on Friday, he becomes a guest, or an empty seat.

    We've also got another groomsman who booked a room elsewhere because of a mix-up with our hotel. Like I told him, he's got a room somewhere, he's super busy at the vet school and it would be a pain in his ass to change now, let it go.

    And yes, before you snark on me, I DID get a medal for my magnanimousness. It's large and shiny.

    ETA: Well, that quoting is just not working.
    image
    [Deleted User]MissMolly
  • Why is the rehearsal mandatory? What if someone had a wake to go to? Are they automatically out of the wedding? I guess I am just confused as to why so many things are mandatory.
    Anniversary
    [Deleted User]
  • There is one WP member who is NOT from OOT. She is staying with her parents. Everyone else we asked to please, please, pretty please spend one night in the hotel where we made blocks. We offered subsidies if they could not afford it. They could spend the second night wherever they wished.

    Transportation is by their own cars. We're driving our own car.

    Re: my brother's wedding. The expectation was that we fly ourselves to LA and fork over the cash to stay at a swanky boutique hotel. It set us back considerably, and no, we could not really "afford it." But it was expected anyway. No one ever asked me my budget for dress, shoes, airfare, or hotel. FI was a "reader" and he had to rent a suit and shoes for it. I don't think it was right what they did, but I also don't think we are asking a lot for ONE night, when our WP's expenses consist of driving, and nothing else.


    I get your frustration because it sounds like this guy is making your life difficult.  He's certainly being inconsiderate by failing to respond to multiple forms of communication.

    However, I do think it is unreasonable that you are requiring the WP to stay the night in the hotel you chose.  As for offering subsidies...that doesn't really excuse the behavior.  Even if I had trouble affording a hotel, I would never say to my friend, "Well since you're offering subsidies, can you pay for $40 of the hotel and I'll pay for $60?" Many people, your friends included, would feel very uncomfortable asking for a "subsidy" even if they needed it.

    For my wedding, 6 WP members stayed in the hotel with the room block on Friday and Saturday, 1 stayed just Saturday, and 4 didn't stay in the hotel at all.  Before the wedding, through Facebook and texting, I communicated information to people about time and location for rehearsal dinner, hair and make-up (if they were choosing to get this done at the salon), pictures, and other necessary details.  Everyone showed up on time for all everything, including my friend who flew in from Turkey and stayed at a different hotel, and my H's brother, who showed up about 5 minutes before pictures started because his GF had a baby the day before 5 hours away.  Trust me, it will work out fine without dictating people's accommodations.  And if this guy doesn't show up, the wedding will go on without him.
    NYCMercedes
  • Why is the rehearsal mandatory? What if someone had a wake to go to? Are they automatically out of the wedding? I guess I am just confused as to why so many things are mandatory.
    We go to an Episcopal church. We want to be married in our church and receive the sacrament of marriage. That's important to us. They handed us a book of marriage policies that we have to abide by. The rehearsal for the marriage service is mandatory according to our church, our priest, you name it. We don't show, we don't get married. Our attendants don't show, they aren't included. I can't change that. It's not my choice.
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • Why is the rehearsal mandatory? What if someone had a wake to go to? Are they automatically out of the wedding? I guess I am just confused as to why so many things are mandatory.
    We go to an Episcopal church. We want to be married in our church and receive the sacrament of marriage. That's important to us. They handed us a book of marriage policies that we have to abide by. The rehearsal for the marriage service is mandatory according to our church, our priest, you name it. We don't show, we don't get married. Our attendants don't show, they aren't included. I can't change that. It's not my choice.
    I totally understand if your church has these requirements. But the point is not that the practice is required... the point is what you're requiring the WP to do as far as getting a hotel when all but one of them (who's staying with her folks) are from the town where this is taking place! They could so easily stay at home. And this is one of those things where no one is going to say anything to you, but they're going to think it's rude and imposing.

    OP, It's definitely not too late to fix this. Tell them to cancel their reservations and then tell them to show up 30 minutes before you want them to. The people who get there 30 minutes prior get to catch up and munch on some snacks while you wait for everyone to get there. If they can't cancel their hotels, you and FI should step in and reimburse them/contact the hotel and pay for it yourselves. I feel like that would relieve a lot of your stress and the burden it's putting on your WP. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Yeah, I wasn't going to do that.
    image
    NYCMercedes
  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 The Witch City member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited June 2013

    Also, I think @southernbelle, she said only one of her WP is NOT from out of town; which means all the others are, so it's reasonable to assume they would need accommodations.

     

  • I wouldn't do it normally, but I have to stand by it in this case... If OP thinks people will be late and the church is this regimented where they'd exclude someone from the wedding, I see nothing wrong with using some buffer time to snack a bit and catch up with the WP before they start practicing. Worst case scenario, everyone gets there before you anticipated starting and you have more time to practice.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • I wouldn't do it normally, but I have to stand by it in this case... If OP thinks people will be late and the church is this regimented where they'd exclude someone from the wedding, I see nothing wrong with using some buffer time to snack a bit and catch up with the WP before they start practicing. Worst case scenario, everyone gets there before you anticipated starting and you have more time to practice.
    Or you end up with some pissy GMs and BMs because if any of them are anything like me they'll arrive at least 20 minutes before they were told to be there and then have to wait almost an hour to do anything.  You don't punish the punctual people because some others can't seem to get their asses where they need to be on time.
    I can see that. I guess all OP can do is emphasize the church rules and if the WP doesn't comply, they don't stand up. Oh well. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's annoying.  It's aggravating.  It's a loose end....but you cannot tie it, so try to let it go.

    SIL's best man never RSVP'd.  We knew he was absolutely attending.   Another groomsman, his cousin, bailed the day before the wedding. Although the BM and my daughter's MOH both wanted hotel rooms, they waited so long to book that the hotel was full.

    We made an educated guess as to BM's dinner entree.  We rearranged the processional so that two girls exited with one guy.  Because I always see the glass as "half empty", I had booked two extra rooms, JIC. Case happened; I turned the rooms over to the BM and MOH.  

    Groom's entire family stayed at the hotel.  His grandparents, along with THREE uncles (children of the grandparents) all stayed there.  The hotel was 6 miles from the church.  The grandparents were 20 minutes late for the ceremony.  Apparently none of the uncles thought to check and make sure grandparents knew where they were going, or offer to carpool.  The point is that things will happen even if everyone is together in one place.  It guarantees nothing.

    I encourage you, from experience, to walk away from the stress and aggravation.  
    southernbelle0915
  • mrssjmmrssjm member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments

    My thoughts on this topic.... I understand frustrations with your groomsman. He really should follow through with what he is saying. The point of agreeing to stand up in someone's wedding is to be there for them on their wedding day. For bridesmaids, they are a lil more involved with helping stamp invitations, shopping, planning etc. Groomsmen sometimes are there just to show up to support their guy friend as he gets married and have a great time afterward. We as bride-to-bes just need to focus on the end result.

    If your FI talks to him and explains to him how important it is that he is there on your rehersal dinner, hopefully he will show up. If not then he will be out. Just let it go so you don't cause more stress onto yourself and your FI.

  • All I have to say is this:  It is a fact that other people's money is not your toy.  You don't get to put it where you want it, throw it around, waste it, dictate how it's used, etc.  Fact. 
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

    NYCMercedes
  • runpipparunrunpipparun member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2013
    So, then, what is the difference between asking your WP to buy particular clothes because you have an affinity for dressing your friends up like clones, which to me, seems like an arbitrary reason to ask them to spend their money, and asking them, when they travel in, if they could stay at a particular hotel? The former seems like something everyone does and is completely excusable by most people's standards, including the buying of shoes and sometimes paying for hair and make-up. The latter seems like also something a LOT of people do, making room blocks and expecting people to use them. And like I pointed out, we haven't asked people to spend money anywhere else, and this was laid on the table when we asked them to be in the WP; we didn't spring it on them later.

    BTW, the reason we're staying in the hotel, is that we live an hour away from our venues.

    Edited: bad grammar
    image
  • In retrospect, neither seems like something awesome to do, but I'm not certain I understand the difference.
    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards