Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rude RSVP from my Bridesmaid?

Looking for some perspective and advice....

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my BM who broke up with her live-in SO. I had already sent the invite and it was addressed with both of their names on it before she told me about their split. My question then was should I let him know he's not invited or just not say anything and assume he probably knows/won't come. The general consensus was to not say anything. So I went with that. No drama with him so far - so thanks for that advice!

Fast forward to now. Our RSVP date is fast approaching and my BM sent me a text saying she wasn't sure which one of her yoga friends she's going to bring. I should have posted this question before I responded to her, but I said, "There will be a lot of single guests there - BM2 and BM4 aren't bringing anyone either. Plus we'll be busy most of the time anyway so whoever you bring will probably be pretty bored." I wish I would have said, "I'm sorry, the invitation was for you and former-SO."

Question to you all - how do I handle this? Was what I said a big enough hint? If not, how do I say "no date" directly and tactfully? Or, should I allow her a plus one (she is truly single now)? At $170/head I don't really want to...

ETA: The RSVP she actually sent back in the mail said 2 with only her name. 
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Re: Rude RSVP from my Bridesmaid?

  • I could be way off etiquette-wise, but I'm sure someone will swoop in and save me.

    If she was just a guest, then yes, you did the right thing.  You're not obligated to give plus ones to single guests. 

    As a bridesmaid however, she should be allowed to bring a plus one, even if it's just one of her girlfriends. 

    I know you'd rather not spend the money on one of her friends.  But I recommend calling her up, and saying something along the lines of "Sorry for the misunderstanding.  I'd be delighted for you to bring whoever you like!"

    NYCMercedesPeledreamsofrainBlue_Bird
  • It's up to you, but I'd give her the plus one since she's a bridesmaid.  You don't *have* to because invitations aren't transferrable, but she is probably going to be offended if you tell her that she can't bring someone (especially if she has had to pay for a dress, gift, etc.).  The price per person isn't really a good argument because you already budgeted for her to bring someone when it was her SO.

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    kinsey0628
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    I would let her bring a plus one. It's not worth battling her over in the long run.
    Blue_Bird
  • If she were just a guest, I would say you do not have to give her the plus one. But, she is a bridesmaid so I would probably just allow her to bring someone.
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  • CoeurCoeur member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    AddieL73 said:
    I don't understand why she can't have a +1. You originally budgeted for her to have someone, plus she's in the WP. I think it's crappy if she can't bring someone. 


    Seconded.
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    wittykitty14
  • Not that it really changes anything, but she kicked her SO out because she didn't want to get married (he did) and said it's the best decision she ever made. She said she's breathing a huge sigh of relief that it's over. And the BM dresses were $150 - I'm paying for everything else (hotel, hair/make-up, shoes, etc.). 

    I just think it's kind of rude of her to assume the invitation is transferable. Also, I did not realize there was an etiquette rule that people in the WP should have plus ones even when they are truly single. So I guess I just let her bring whoever she wants and ask her to clarify the "2" she wrote on the RSVP so I at least know her guest's name?
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    wittykitty14
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    ETA- As an aside, I think all WP members should be allowed to bring dates. They are your nearest and dearest who have often spent a good chuck of money to stand next to you on one of the most important days of your life. I would never ask someone to do all  of that and then tell them that unless they have a SO by the time invites go out they'll be flying solo. 

    Exactly. If they choose NOT to bring a date, then that's their choice.

    I think the misconception of many brides is that OMG my wedding party members will be soooo busy that day...they don't need a date! When in reality, it's the exact opposite.

    As soon as the ceremony is over, the wedding party is just like any other guest. Quite honestly, we didn't even see our wedding party for the rest of the night after the limo ride to the reception!

    Blue_Bird
  • I would let her bring a guest. I agree with Addie (and I think someone else said it too)--you already had budgeted an extra 170 for her SO when they were dating. It's not like she was single initially and you had only budgeted for her plate. If you had already budgeted that extra 170, it shouldn't be a budget concern all of a sudden now.

    It's the nice thing to do to let her bring a guest, regardless of who broke up with whom. I would not cause drama or strife by insisting she come alone.


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    Vacation
  • I can see your point, but honeslty, she's going to be a BM right after breaking up w/ a SO - be nice, be compassionate, let her bring whomever she wants. Clearly she's not comfortable alone.

     

    Beyond that, you did invite her w/ a guest, and you did budget for it, so I think you have to let her bring someone. The old "we just can't fit anotehr person" can't apply here.

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    Blue_Bird
  • I can see both sides of this ... and I don't think the $170 is the big issue here.   I can understanding wanting your wedding guest list to be comprised of people you care about and dates who are meaningful (aka not "friends from yoga" or guy I met at the bar last week).  I have a general mentality that if you're not planning on introducing this person to your mom at some point, why should my mom meet them? (Unless guests are coming from out of town and then I'm pretty much giving them all plus 1s because who wants to get a hotel room alone).  That being said, I will likely end up saying yes to anyone who asks to bring a date just to avoid offending anyone. 

    As other people have mentioned though, your wedding party is giving up a lot of time/money and are presumably some of your closest friends.  It probably makes sense just to make this concession to show her how much you appreciate all she's done.  Does your fiance have single friends coming to the wedding though?  I mentioned to my single bridesmaids that my fiance has some single friends coming into town -- I am planning my seating arrangements to increase the chance for a potential love match, which isn't as possible when people bring casual dates they have to babysit all night b/c they don't know anyone. My fiance's parents actually met when his dad was a single groomsman and his mom was a single bridesmaid!  Maybe entice her with a cute single wedding groomsman and she'll forget all about yoga friend :)
    OjitosVerdessouthernbelle0915
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I would let her bring a friend.    Says the person who gave everyone a plus one.  I didn't even care if the "date" was for hire.  I was paying more than you per head, so I understand the cost issue.


    On other note, just because she choose to breakup doesn't mean she can't feel sad about the situation.   


    Oh and I hate the force all the single people together so they might get together idea.   






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    [Deleted User]
  • I personally am on your side on this one - I don't see why she needs to bring a random friend from yoga when none of the other BP members got +1s.  We didn't give our single BP members +1s (I guess we kinda sorta did b/c we asked them before invites went out if they wanted to bring anyone; but they all said no).  And it WILL be awkward for her yoga friend. 

    Hopefully what you already said will dissuade her from bringing someone and knowing the other BMs (who hopefully are mutual friends?) are going stag will make her more comfortable with it.  If she mentions it again you can either let it go or you could say something along the lines of "If it's really important to you to bring [friend] then we'll make it work, but we didn't give plus ones to any other single guests and I don't want anyone to be upset.  So if you're comfortable coming alone that would really be best"

    I get the "but you already budget $170" mentality; to me it's not about the cost per plate it's about the fact that she's now giving this guest special treatment.  And yeah she's a BM and many on here believe she should already be getting that special treatment, but the other BMs aren't getting plus ones so it could easily cause hurt feelings.  I see this the same as when you're doing adults only and someone's husband can't some so they try to sub their kid.  It's not about the cost or that you dislike the kid it's that no one else's kid got to come so they could be upset about it.

    southernbelle0915harper0813r&c14[Deleted User]
  • Does she know other people at the wedding?  Will she need to travel far?  Since all singles did not get a +1, then it is ok to not give her one since her SO is not longer in the picture.  While most bridal parties get ready together and whatnot, it would be akward for the random friend, IMO-- but that is your friends responsibility, not yours to keep her entertained.  If you invited her bridesmaid + guest, then you can't judge who her guest is.  But since you invited her + her SO, you technically do not need to let her bring the random friend.  We did not not give our singles a +1-- two of those friends got in relationships around the time invites went out so we added them to the list, and was happy to meet them at our wedding.  My friends were happy to have them included as well.  We did have two single guests who rsvp'd solo-- and then brought a random date to the wedding.  End of the day it was fine, it did not ruin the wedding, and all our friends had a great time so that is all that mattered.  We then had single guests come single and they all had a fun time too, so no harm no foul.  It all depends on the individual.

    The guest list is the hardest part, so best advise is to talk to your friend and just be honest.  Let her know you did not extend a +1 to single guests so you want to be fair since others are not getting to being a date.  If she is traveling far or will not know anyone else at the wedding, it does not hurt to let her have a friend there so she is comfortable. 


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    Anniversary
    southernbelle0915
  • erinlin25 said:
    Does she know other people at the wedding?  Will she need to travel far?  Since all singles did not get a +1, then it is ok to not give her one since her SO is not longer in the picture.  While most bridal parties get ready together and whatnot, it would be akward for the random friend, IMO-- but that is your friends responsibility, not yours to keep her entertained.  If you invited her bridesmaid + guest, then you can't judge who her guest is.  But since you invited her + her SO, you technically do not need to let her bring the random friend.  We did not not give our singles a +1-- two of those friends got in relationships around the time invites went out so we added them to the list, and was happy to meet them at our wedding.  My friends were happy to have them included as well.  We did have two single guests who rsvp'd solo-- and then brought a random date to the wedding.  End of the day it was fine, it did not ruin the wedding, and all our friends had a great time so that is all that mattered.  We then had single guests come single and they all had a fun time too, so no harm no foul.  It all depends on the individual.

    The guest list is the hardest part, so best advise is to talk to your friend and just be honest.  Let her know you did not extend a +1 to single guests so you want to be fair since others are not getting to being a date.  If she is traveling far or will not know anyone else at the wedding, it does not hurt to let her have a friend there so she is comfortable. 
    Yes - she knows a solid group of people that will be there (with the exception of OOT family and FI's family). Her parents are also invited/coming. If she does bring someone it's not going to kill the day and we definitely budgeted for it, so at this point whatever. I guess overall I was just taken aback that she took the liberty to transfer the invitation from her former SO to a random yoga buddy (she doesn't even have a certain person in mind yet). 
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  • Well I guess in my opinion (and in some of the other posters' opinions) we also think it's a nice gesture to extend a guest to all WP members. It is not required, per etiquette, if they are truly single, but it's a nice thing to do. So in that regard, she wouldn't be getting special treatment.

    I also think it might be awkward to have this conversation: "Well your boyfriend was invited, but because you guys broke up, you no longer can bring a guest." There is nothing etiquette-wrong with doing that; I'm just saying I personally would feel awkward in that situation and if it were my wedding, I'd extend her a plus one, as well as all WP members.

    I don't think, in regards to other responses, it matters one hill of beans if the bride or groom knows an SO (I know the yoga friend is not an SO, but someone commented about "I don't want some random there I don't know."). If a guest is dating someone, even if you don't know them, they get invited. They could've started dating two weeks ago and you may have never met the SO before, but they still get invited. It is rude not to.


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    Vacation
  • I say everyone in the WP should get a plus 1.
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