Groomsman... grr... arg...

runpipparun · June 2013

sxyktn812 said:

runpipparun said:

So, then, what is the difference between asking your WP to buy particular clothes because you have an affinity for dressing your friends up like clones, which to me, seems like an arbitrary reason to ask them to spend their money, and asking them, when they travel in, if they could stay at a particular hotel? The former seems like something everyone does and is completely excusable by most people's standards, including the buying of shoes and sometimes paying for hair and make-up. The latter seems like also something a LOT of people do, making room blocks and expecting people to use them. And like I pointed out, we haven't asked people to spend money anywhere else, and this was laid on the table when we asked them to be in the WP; we didn't spring it on them later.

BTW, the reason we're staying in the hotel, is that we live an hour away from our venues.

Edited: bad grammar

For one, it doesn't have to be about dressing up as clones- it could simply be an agreed upon outfit. It's becoming more popular to have different dresses, it doesn't really matter. But paying for and showing up in the attire? This is really the only 'job" they have. Most people on here will agree that beyond the dress, you can't "require" anything- shoes, makeup, etc. If it's beyond the dress, you should offer to cover it.

Regarding the room blocks, it's a COURTESY, not an EXPECTATION. You don't reserve room and then indignantly stamp your foot if someone opts not to use it. Unless you have a really early ceremony, an hour isn't really that far of a drive and people may choose not to spend their money on the room YOU chose at the hotel YOU chose at the price YOU chose. There's no need for everyone to stay at the same hotel, that's just to make YOU more comfortable when something like that should be more about your guests.

I guess that's what I'm saying. There's no NEED for anyone to wear an agreed upon dress or suit either. It's simply because a bride wants a certain "look" in her pictures. That's as arbitrary a reason as any for people to spend money. But it's an expectation for most brides based on a tradition that doesn't hold water anymore (evil spirits being confused by clone-like bridesmaids...?). Even if the BMs get a "choice," the expectation is that money MUST be spent.

Like I said, when we asked people to be in the party, we said, "We want you to wear whatever you want -- no mandatory dress or suit required, but we'd like you to attend the church's mandatory rehearsal and spend one night in the hotel where we have block." Everyone agreed, just as everyone agrees to buy a dress in everyone else's wedding.

I still don't think requiring people to buy a dress so that your pictures are pretty is any better than asking someone to spend a night in a hotel.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Yeah, assumption fail. My BMs wore dresses that they picked, each a style that flattered them individually. The color and length was the only thing the same. They looked gorgeous and loved that I didn't micromanage them into ugly dresses.

runpipparun · June 2013

Stage, I didn't say YOU as in YOU all. I meant that around here, it's assumed that BM and GM's job descriptions include buying the attire and showing up smiling. Buying the attire because people want uniform pictures, which (I'm sorry) is very superficial. Personally, I find it wanting uniform pictures a stupid reason to ask a person to buy a $200 dress and spend extra getting it altered. But nobody ever calls anyone on it, because bridesmaids having to buy a dress they'll never wear again is just part of the job. Even if it's for the ceremony, why is it okay and why do people condone it?

I see how asking our WP to stay with us one night can come across as controlling, but we certainly didn't mean it to be. And like I said, no one hesitated about it. Hopefully everything we're doing for them as thanks for standing up with us will make up for any ill feelings.

Summer2011Bride · June 2013

OP in regards to this GM, I would stop trying to contact him. The wedding is now less than a week away. As long as your FI communicated in some way to him (like a text or FB message, even if he did not respond to it) what time and where to be, let it go. If he does not show up, he took himself out of the wedding.

With regards to the other issues, you should not have required your WP to stay in a certain hotel, but it sounds like they all booked it already and that is done and over with. Just know that you should have let them choose their own accommodations, and I would not require the one remaining GM to book there if he hasn't.

I know you weren't taking Southerbelle's advice, but I want to speak to that too in case someone else reading was considering it. It is extremely rude to tell people to show up earlier than you know something will start. My H was in a wedding last week. It was OOT and we rushed around trying to get everything ready for my dog (my parents were dog-sitting that night) and driving in traffic to get there. They had told H pics were at 3 and he had to be there at 2 (we did not find out about getting there at 2 until the morning of!) to get dressed with them. OK fine. We pulled in right at 2.

H ran upstairs to get dressed, and there was not even a photographer taking getting ready pics, so that was silly. Then they all walked outside for pics at three and stood around until almost 4:30(!!!) waiting to take photos. We nearly killed ourselves to get there on time at 2 and H was not really needed until 4:30. Do not be that person. It is rude to tell people to get somewhere early because you don't trust they will be on time. If I show up for something that's supposed to start at 5, I get there early and expect it to start at 5.

arrippa · June 2013

The title of the post makes me think of the credits on Buffy with the little monster runs across the Mutent Enemy sign saying "Grrr...Argh.."

Anyway, the GM is an adult and he knows what time to be there. Honestly, there is nothing you or your FI can do without making you look like a micromanaging bride.

rel1988 · June 2013

OP why would you not question paying $600 for a hotel room?? I would never pay that.

Secondly I don't get why it is such a big deal where people stay. Personally if people want to sleep in their car the night between the RD and wedding, what does it matter? You reserving a block of rooms is a courtesy, not a requirement.

Jessa617 · June 2013

I think some bridesmaids (given that they were able to choose style and budget) actually like wearing a set color to stand out a little from everyone else. It's not a superficial thing that has to do with pictures.

DiamondMinx · June 2013

Hey everyone, I think there's a reading comprehension fail happening - the bride specifically stated that only one person in the wedding party is NOT from out of town. (and that person is staying at their parents' place).

She and her fiance aren't requiring people to rent hotel rooms in their own town.

MyNameIsNot · June 2013

DiamondMinx said:

Hey everyone, I think there's a reading comprehension fail happening - the bride specifically stated that only one person in the wedding party is NOT from out of town. (and that person is staying at their parents' place).

She and her fiance aren't requiring people to rent hotel rooms in their own town.

It doesn't matter if it is their town or not. It is inappropriate for them to dictate where anyone stays.

Groomsman... grr... arg...

Re: Groomsman... grr... arg...

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