Just received an invitation...

Danie484 · June 2013

Just got an invitation for my FI's very close co-worker's wedding in August. Let me count the ways this invitation annoys me...

1. Addressed only to my FI. His co-worker and I have met on multiple occasions: we've chatted at happy hours and are even friends on Facebook. What the hell? Am I being snubbed?

2. The wedding is at 4pm on a FRIDAY - what the what? Seriously?...

3. A bunch of other seemingly minor infractions, considering the first two... registry information included with the invitation, white address labels on purple envelopes, RSVP envelopes not stamped...

But seriously...

A 4pm ceremony on a freaking Friday is bad enough - but to not invite me? What. The. Hell.

NYCMercedes · June 2013

@kindasparkly, she doesn't even need to decline as she wasn't invited.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

Eeek. Decline, decline, decline. I, personally, think that 4pm on a Friday is horribly rude. I think it's presumptuous for people to think that others want to take the day off, or even a half day.

hordol · June 2013

misssunshine17 said:

Eeek. Decline, decline, decline. I, personally, think that 4pm on a Friday is horribly rude. I think it's presumptuous for people to think that others want to take the day off, or even a half day.

A little off topic, but...

I'm having a 4:30 ceremony on a Friday. I was a little worried about the inconvenience, but we have not had one complaint. Our decline rate was maybe a little higher than it would be otherwise, but that's the reason we chose a Friday--to essentially have a cheaper wedding, and it kind of naturally creates a smaller guest list.

The "it's presumptuous for people to think that other want to take the day off" comment is horrible. First of all, most people that love you enough and that you are close enough to invite to your wedding aren't thinking about "wasting" a day off on you. Second, if they are...they decline. So I really don't see the truth in this statement. I know that personally, I wouldn't hesitate to take a half day or a full day off for the wedding of someone I wanted to go to and would actually look forward to an early weekend. Would everyone look forward to this? Probably not, but that's why you have the "decline" option on the RSVP. No one is forcing you to go.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

That's got a whole lotta "NO" written all over it.

But honestly, the only two things about that would actually get me worked up enough to care would be not being invited and the no stamp issue. Those would piss me off big time. As for the the ceremony time, let it go. If you can't go, you can't go. People have to take time off for Saturday weddings all the time too. If they don't want any guests to come then that's their issue. For the other stuff, MASSIVE eye-rolling would happen on my part.

I'd decline the heck out of that thing.

hordol · June 2013

wittykitty14 said:
That's got a whole lotta "NO" written all over it.

But honestly, the only two things about that would actually get me worked up enough to care would be not being invited and the no stamp issue. Those would piss me off big time. As for the the ceremony time, let it go. If you can't go, you can't go. People have to take time off for Saturday weddings all the time too. If they don't want any guests to come then that's their issue. For the other stuff, MASSIVE eye-rolling would happen on my part.

I'd decline the heck out of that thing.

Thank you! Heh, I have a ton of people who work 2nd or 3rd shift/weekends that wouldn't be able to come to a regular Saturday wedding, but it's not rude to not accommodate the time to them, but somehow rude to not accommodate 9 to 5 ers? That's just weird logic.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

hordol said:

That's got a whole lotta "NO" written all over it.

But honestly, the only two things about that would actually get me worked up enough to care would be not being invited and the no stamp issue. Those would piss me off big time. As for the the ceremony time, let it go. If you can't go, you can't go. People have to take time off for Saturday weddings all the time too. If they don't want any guests to come then that's their issue. For the other stuff, MASSIVE eye-rolling would happen on my part.

I'd decline the heck out of that thing.
Thank you! Heh, I have a ton of people who work 2nd or 3rd shift/weekends that wouldn't be able to come to a regular Saturday wedding, but it's not rude to not accommodate the time to them, but somehow rude to not accommodate 9 to 5 ers? That's just weird logic.

Yeah, I totally agree with you. My wedding is 3 pm on a Friday. We discussed it with all VIPs and some extensions of VIPs beforehand, and they were all ok with it. No one has given us crap for it. And if some people can't come, then ok. Same goes for any Saturday wedding, IMHO. 2/3 of the weddings I went to this summer were 4 pm on a Friday. They both had close to 100% attendance.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

I understand where you're coming from, I disagree based on my circle of people. Difference of opinion. I think your line about if they love you is also ridiculous, so I guess we're at a draw. That's why I said I personally think xyz.

banana468 · June 2013

Ditto the others on Friday afternoon. You can dislike it but it's hardly rude to have the wedding at that time.

The rest of the things llistedare bad but this shouldn't have made the list.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

misssunshine17 said:

I understand where you're coming from, I disagree based on my circle of people. Difference of opinion. I think your line about if they love you is also ridiculous, so I guess we're at a draw. That's why I said I personally think xyz.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that. I agree with you there. I hate when people say "they'll be there if they really care about you". It should be "they'll try their hardest to get there if they care". People always have stuff going on, and they can't always attend things they'd like to, like weddings. Anyone who's reasonable will understand that. I just used my own situation as an example, because for my family it's ok. This might be a bizarre thing for OP's circle, so I get where she's coming from if that's the case.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

I guess it's my circle. I went to a 3:30 Friday wedding a 90 minute drive away and people were pissed about it. In my circle, it was definitely considered rude but many did try to make it work, but it doesn't mean they were happy about it.

mlg78 · June 2013

As with everything in life, you can't always make everyone happy. I don't think calling a wedding timing as "rude" though. I'd rather have a Friday afternoon wedding than a Saturday wedding with a huge gap. THAT is far more rude.

NOLAbridealmost · June 2013

Yeah the 4:00 Friday thing isn't rude. It's like having a New Year's Eve party that starts at 4 PM....a little weird for the average bear, but not rude. Just decline if you can't make it. I also get frustrated by the constant accommodation of the 9-5ers. Lots of people work nights, weekends, holidays, etc. and no one bats an eye when events don't fit their schedules. It was rude as hell not to include you in the invitation with your SO though.

aurianna · June 2013

Just because no one was rude enough to complain to you about the Friday afternoon wedding doesn't mean it doesn't annoy them greatly.
And the whole "if they really love me, they'll make it without a fuss" sort of thing goes both ways. I could say "If you really loved your guests you wouldn't want to inconvenience them and make them use up precious vacation time just because you wanted to spend less money."

But all that being said, I don't think Friday afternoon weddings are "rude" per se. I just think that it's obvious the couple is more focused on their pocket book or wedding "vision" than they are the majority of their guests' time. But then I had a wedding in January knowing it could put people out if it snowed. Sometimes you just have to make those decisions.

So I used to get really annoyed by the stamp thing too, but I learned here that they aren't required, because RSVP cards aren't even required. They are a courtesy and pretty recent in the wedding timeline.

OP getting left off the invite though was obvious atrocious.

Ambybambi1125 · June 2013

I am also guilty of having my ceremony at 4p on a Friday, I understand this may inconvenience people and would not be hurt if they can't make it simply because it is at an inconvenient time. My line of thinking is if more people choose to make it to the reception and can't come to the ceremony I understand and I am of course bracing myself for a higher than normal decline rate. I know it's not for everyone and this was not ideal, but all in all it is coming together.

easilyunamused · June 2013

aurianna said:
Just because no one was rude enough to complain to you about the Friday afternoon wedding doesn't mean it doesn't annoy them greatly.
And the whole "if they really love me, they'll make it without a fuss" sort of thing goes both ways. I could say "If you really loved your guests you wouldn't want to inconvenience them and make them use up precious vacation time just because you wanted to spend less money."

But all that being said, I don't think Friday afternoon weddings are "rude" per se. I just think that it's obvious the couple is more focused on their pocket book or wedding "vision" than they are the majority of their guests' time. But then I had a wedding in January knowing it could put people out if it snowed. Sometimes you just have to make those decisions.

So I used to get really annoyed by the stamp thing too, but I learned here that they aren't required, because RSVP cards aren't even required. They are a courtesy and pretty recent in the wedding timeline.

OP getting left off the invite though was obvious atrocious.

I think that is rude to assume someone chooses a Friday afternoon wedding because of their "pocketbooks". My wedding is on Friday at 3pm. Money had nothing to do with it. I actually don't even think there is a price plate difference. I wanted that day.

And not everyone works a 9-5 day.

aurianna · June 2013

Bmarie1316 said:

I think that is rude to assume someone chooses a Friday afternoon wedding because of their "pocketbooks". My wedding is on Friday at 3pm. Money had nothing to do with it. I actually don't even think there is a price plate difference. I wanted that day. And not everyone works a 9-5 day.

I'm sure there are exceptions. But that isn't going to change my general perception. Sure; not everyone works 9-5, but a lot of people do. So unless a couple explains to me why they're having a Friday wedding (and they are by no means obligated to, nor do I expect it) or unless I know that most of the VIPs have Saturday conflicts, I'm probably going to assume it was because Friday is cheaper. Because Friday weddings are almost always cheaper. Just like they are almost always more inconvenient for the average guest.

And hey, people should do whatever they need to do. Like I said, I had a January wedding which had the potential to be inconvenient for people. But it was worlds cheaper.

I'm not going to apologize for jumping to what I think is the most likely conclusion. /shrug

hordol · June 2013

Ok..... Thanks for taking what I said out of context. I said that if they love you, they won't feel like they are wasting their day on you. If anyone feels like they are wasting a day on someone, that is a BIG clue that THEY SHOULD DECLINE. I didn't say that if they love you they won't be inconvenienced---not even close. Don't put words in my mouth.

Were some people not extremely happy about my Friday ceremony time? Maybe. Who knows? But I have MANY VIPs that would speak their mind to me because they aren't passive aggressive people, and they said nothing but positive things and understood my reasons for the time I picked. (It actually had to do with my DJ contract and the time limit on the venue--I wanted to get my money's worth.)

I don't think it's ridiculous to say that if someone loves you, they won't consider your wedding a waste of their day. I said NOTHING that implied that if someone loved you, they would try their hardest to make it or try their best to be there. NOT what I said, so please don't put words in my mouth. If I felt like someone's wedding was a waste of my time and a waste of my day off, you bet I wouldn't try to go to the wedding.

**too early in the morning to be pleasant

ETA: took out the F word. Decided to be nicer heh

kmmssg · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

While I don't think a Friday afternoon wedding is RUDE, I do find the idea that no one is inconvenienced because they haven't complained to the couple to be kind of ridiculous. I'm betting OP won't be complaining to the couple either for their transgressions, but it doesn't mean she isn't upset.

I so agree with the bold part. My stepdd got married on a Friday afternoon 8 years ago. She left us out of the planning because she was 17 when she got engaged and 18 when she got married and knew we might have an issue or two with things like, oh, I don't know, college? Anywho, our side of the family WAS highly inconvenienced and many couldn't come because it was on a Friday afternoon. Did the bride and groom or the MOB hear about ANY of that? Nope, but I sure got several earfulls of it. they are now divorced, but she still has no idea what her aunts, uncles, and grandparents had to say about a Friday afternoon wedding.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

hordol said: A little off topic, but...
I'm having a 4:30 ceremony on a Friday. I was a little worried about the inconvenience, but we have not had one complaint. Our decline rate was maybe a little higher than it would be otherwise, but that's the reason we chose a Friday--to essentially have a cheaper wedding, and it kind of naturally creates a smaller guest list.
The "it's presumptuous for people to think that other want to take the day off" comment is horrible. First of all, most people that love you enough and that you are close enough to invite to your wedding aren't thinking about "wasting" a day off on you. Second, if they are...they decline. So I really don't see the truth in this statement. I know that personally, I wouldn't hesitate to take a half day or a full day off for the wedding of someone I wanted to go to and would actually look forward to an early weekend. Would everyone look forward to this? Probably not, but that's why you have the "decline" option on the RSVP. No one is forcing you to go.

A Friday wedding is not rude or against etiquette. However, the bolded part is what I really take issue with. It sounds like you planned this wedding hoping/expecting that a lot of the people you invited would say no so you could have a cheaper wedding. Why invite them in the first place if you'd rather save money than have them in attendance? It reeks of wanting gifts, but not wanting to host these people. Also, no one is going to complain to you - that would be rude and against etiquette.

ETA: separating my comment from hordol's

rel1988 · June 2013

I was in a wedding that was on a Friday at 4pm. It was annoying for me because I had to talk a half day the Thursday for the RD which was very early and a full day for the wedding. Honestly the guests didn't mind because they only had to leave work a little earlier on the actual wedding day. The downside was that probably close to 60% skipped the ceremony altogether and just went to reception.

The not inviting you part is extremely rude. The rsvp envelopes with no stamps is rude. I don't really see the big deal about the purple envelopes with white labels though....

Pookieson · June 2013

We have went to a couple of Friday weddings before. They are inconvenient for us because H is a 9-5 er. I am not...so really, anything we do is inconvenient to us. We prefer weekend weddings just because it is only one of us asking for time off, but we don't frown upon a Friday afternoon one. That being said, I wouldn't go simply because my name wasn't on the invite, that would piss me off.

hordol · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

A Friday wedding is not rude or against etiquette. However, the bolded part is what I really take issue with. It sounds like you planned this weddinghoping/expecting that a lot of the people you invited would say no so you could have a cheaper wedding. Why invite them in the first place if you'd rather save money than have them in attendance? It reeks of wanting gifts, but not wanting to host these people. Also, no one is going to complain to you - thatwould be rude and against etiquette.

ETA: separating my comment from hordol's

How does that reek of wanting gifts? If people don't come, they usually don't send gifts (as least in my circle.) I recognize that some people do send a gift if they cannot make it, but it honestly isn't that common in my friends and family. We have had no one who declined send us a gift. I also wasn't hoping or expecting they would, because honestly that was a foreign concept to me until I joined the knot and saw on here that people do that sometimes. I've never sent a gift for a wedding I was unable to attend.

Also, yes, I did want to save money. I don't think that's a crime. I wasn't sitting around thinking "I hope so and so says no! This other so and so better not come or I'll be mad!!" That's just ridiculous that you would even imply that. I was prepared to host everybody, financially and otherwise. Would saving some money be nice? Yes, but that doesn't mean I was sitting around cheering over every "no" I received. MOST of our declines were people that wouldn't have been able to make it, regardless of what day I hosted the wedding (too far to travel or too pregnant, going to be on vacation that week, or had another wedding that same weekend was the most common reason for no. We did have some people say no because of work, but I would say that was only 5-10 people.)

Why did I invite them in the first place? Because I would have loved to have a big wedding. I wasn't in love with the cost, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Like I said, I was prepared to pay all the money I needed to. However, that doesn't mean that I would be heart broken if I didn't have to completely empty my bank account over this.

ETA: There was no A List or B List. We invited those close to us. Having our wedding on a Friday helped keep it from getting too expensive. I don't see what's so offensive about that.

Kate61487 · June 2013

fyrefly76 said:

I've been invited to a 4pm Friday wedding in a state two away. I'm currently a temporary employee and can't even begin to contemplate where I'll be working come the wedding (2 1/2 months from now) and whether I will be able to take time (even half a day) off. My man has a regular 9 to 5 job and is involved in high school football in the fall (usually games are on Friday evenings). In lieu of a rehearsal dinner the night before, they're hosting a BBQ on Saturday afterwards and have a special box on the RSVP card to say that you can attend that. Woud it be rude to attend the BBQ on Saturday and not the Wedding or Reception? Or should I just wait one additional month for the later party they're having in town here to celebrate their marriage?

It's never rude to accept an invitation. I would probably make a note that you won't be able to get into town early enough for the wedding itself on the RSVP so they know why you're missing it.

libby18bell · June 2013

Just an FYI different religions require weddings different days of the week. Jewish weddings typically take place on a Sunday do to Sabbath.

walgrrl · June 2013

hordol said:

misssunshine17 said:

Eeek. Decline, decline, decline. I, personally, think that 4pm on a Friday is horribly rude. I think it's presumptuous for people to think that others want to take the day off, or even a half day.

A little off topic, but...

I'm having a 4:30 ceremony on a Friday. I was a little worried about the inconvenience, but we have not had one complaint. Our decline rate was maybe a little higher than it would be otherwise, but that's the reason we chose a Friday--to essentially have a cheaper wedding, and it kind of naturally creates a smaller guest list.

The "it's presumptuous for people to think that other want to take the day off" comment is horrible. First of all, most people that love you enough and that you are close enough to invite to your wedding aren't thinking about "wasting" a day off on you. Second, if they are...they decline. So I really don't see the truth in this statement. I know that personally, I wouldn't hesitate to take a half day or a full day off for the wedding of someone I wanted to go to and would actually look forward to an early weekend. Would everyone look forward to this? Probably not, but that's why you have the "decline" option on the RSVP. No one is forcing you to go.

This is true. Even if you have the "typical" Saturday afternoon/evening wedding, you'll still have some guests that will need to take a day off work in order to come. Several of my guests and even some members of my bridal party had to request off work to come to my Saturday wedding. For example, anyone who works retail, works in food service, works in a hospital or nursing home, etc. will usually have to work weekends. Nowadays, lots of people have "non-typical" work schedules (myself included!)

Kate61487 · June 2013

walgrrl said:

hordol said:

misssunshine17 said:

Eeek. Decline, decline, decline. I, personally, think that 4pm on a Friday is horribly rude. I think it's presumptuous for people to think that others want to take the day off, or even a half day.

A little off topic, but...

I'm having a 4:30 ceremony on a Friday. I was a little worried about the inconvenience, but we have not had one complaint. Our decline rate was maybe a little higher than it would be otherwise, but that's the reason we chose a Friday--to essentially have a cheaper wedding, and it kind of naturally creates a smaller guest list.

The "it's presumptuous for people to think that other want to take the day off" comment is horrible. First of all, most people that love you enough and that you are close enough to invite to your wedding aren't thinking about "wasting" a day off on you. Second, if they are...they decline. So I really don't see the truth in this statement. I know that personally, I wouldn't hesitate to take a half day or a full day off for the wedding of someone I wanted to go to and would actually look forward to an early weekend. Would everyone look forward to this? Probably not, but that's why you have the "decline" option on the RSVP. No one is forcing you to go.

This is true. Even if you have the "typical" Saturday afternoon/evening wedding, you'll still have some guests that will need to take a day off work in order to come. Several of my guests and even some members of my bridal party had to request off work to come to my Saturday wedding. For example, anyone who works retail, works in food service, works in a hospital or nursing home, etc. will usually have to work weekends. Nowadays, lots of people have "non-typical" work schedules (myself included!)

I think part of it, though, is that most people who work non traditional hours probably aren't using very limited PTO to attend. They're bargaining with a colleague to give them their Tuesday off and get their Saturday instead or requesting their manager schedule them for that Saturday off a few weeks ahead of time, KWIM?

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule (I know H has colleagues who have shifted schedules but are still salaried where they can't just be like "oh I'll work this day instead"), but unless you know a lot of your guests normally work Saturdays it's still the most likely day to be convenient.

phira · June 2013

Everyone on this board knows that there are a million different reasons why we pick our wedding dates, times, locations, details, and so on. I'm not going to question why a wedding would be on a Friday afternoon. Maybe it's to save money. Maybe it's an anniversary. Maybe it's the only date they could get the venue.

So yes, it's rude to invite someone and not their significant other, whom they've met. It's impolite to include registry information. It's rude to make your guests pay postage to RSVP. (Don't care so much about the labels and envelopes). But it's not rude to have your wedding on a Friday afternoon.

TheBaysideBride · June 2013

And dont' forget, even though having Saturday afternoon weddings usually have Friday rehersals, and unless everyone lives in town, you usually have to take Friday off anyway.

Honestly, if anyone finds the timing of a wedding "rude" (i.e. insulting to them personally) they should re-evaluate their expectations of the world around them. I guess it's also "rude" that people have weddings in places other than where everyone lives. Life takes effort.

StarHex · June 2013

walgrrl said:

hordol said:

A little off topic, but...

I'm having a 4:30 ceremony on a Friday. I was a little worried about the inconvenience, but we have not had one complaint. Our decline rate was maybe a little higher than it would be otherwise, but that's the reason we chose a Friday--to essentially have a cheaper wedding, and it kind of naturally creates a smaller guest list.

The "it's presumptuous for people to think that other want to take the day off" comment is horrible. First of all, most people that love you enough and that you are close enough to invite to your wedding aren't thinking about "wasting" a day off on you. Second, if they are...they decline. So I really don't see the truth in this statement. I know that personally, I wouldn't hesitate to take a half day or a full day off for the wedding of someone I wanted to go to and would actually look forward to an early weekend. Would everyone look forward to this? Probably not, but that's why you have the "decline" option on the RSVP. No one is forcing you to go.

This is true. Even if you have the "typical" Saturday afternoon/evening wedding, you'll still have some guests that will need to take a day off work in order to come. Several of my guests and even some members of my bridal party had to request off work to come to my Saturday wedding. For example, anyone who works retail, works in food service, works in a hospital or nursing home, etc. will usually have to work weekends. Nowadays, lots of people have "non-typical" work schedules (myself included!)

I think part of it, though, is that most people who work non traditional hours probably aren't using very limited PTO to attend. They're bargaining with a colleague to give them their Tuesday off and get their Saturday instead or requesting their manager schedule them for that Saturday off a few weeks ahead of time, KWIM?

(I can't figure out how to get out of the quote box!) People who work non-traditional hours aren't using their "very limited PTO" to attend, because they usually don't have it. For people who work in retail or food service, most of the time taking a Saturday off to go to a wedding means losing out on whatever money they would have made that day entirely. I don't work as a server anymore, but when I did, going to a wedding on a Saturday meant missing out on the best money I'd make all week. Other servers are all too happy to take your Saturday (because it's the best day), but you can't simply make that money up on another day.
I'm not saying I have a problem with Saturday weddings (I don't), just that it's not logical to assume that people who work non-traditional hours are less inconvenienced by taking time off because they aren't using their precious PTO....they don't have it to begin with.

Just received an invitation...

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