Alcohol at Reception

tinambride · June 2013

Ok, this is kind of a spin off of an earlier post someone made, but I didn't want to take away from their discussion.

My parents are generously paying for most of the reception. ILs are helping with flowers and have offered to host a party at a restaurant the night before the event. Over all, everyone's been very generous and we are very grateful. We are paying for a variety of things that are important to us.. photographer, clothing, etc.

Anyway, the ILs have mentioned many times that they expect a reception to have a full bar for the entire night. They plan to invite friends that (they claim) also expect a full bar. They can't image a wedding reception without one. Drinking is not important to me, my FI, or most of our guests. My parents had planned to have a bar open for part of the night but not the entire night. Unfortunately it seems this is likely to create comments from the ILs. Honestly, I see no need for drama and I do want to help everyone stay happy. MIL is somewhat of a drama queen and I'd like to keep that at bay as much as possible.

Where do you stand with alcohol. Is it necessary or a requirement for a wedding? Does it help the guests have a better time? Should the bar be open the entire night?

AddieCake · June 2013

tinambride said:

Ok, this is kind of a spin off of an earlier post someone made, but I didn't want to take away from their discussion.

My parents are generously paying for most of the reception. ILs are helping with flowers and have offered to host a party at a restaurant the night before the event. Over all, everyone's been very generous and we are very grateful. We are paying for a variety of things that are important to us.. photographer, clothing, etc.

Anyway, the ILs have mentioned many times that they expect a reception to have a full bar for the entire night. They plan to invite friends that (they claim) also expect a full bar. They can't image a wedding reception without one. Drinking is not important to me, my FI, or most of our guests. My parents had planned to have a bar open for part of the night but not the entire night. Unfortunately it seems this is likely to create comments from the ILs. Honestly, I see no need for drama and I do want to help everyone stay happy. MIL is somewhat of a drama queen and I'd like to keep that at bay as much as possible.

Where do you stand with alcohol. Is it necessary or a requirement for a wedding? Does it help the guests have a better time? Should the bar be open the entire night?

Ditto Lia. Don't have a bar for only part of the reception and then close it. It's certainly not a requirement to have alcohol at a wedding, no.

tinambride · June 2013

So just a cocktail hour is lame? I'm still learning about all of this.

harper0813 · June 2013

Rather than hosting an open bar for part of the night, host beer, wine and a couple cocktails for the whole night. And soda too, of course. That way, your guests' palates are satiated and you're not pulling the rug out from under them.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Whatever you offer should be available for the whole night - unless you set out a certain number of wine bottles on each table, offer only a champagne toast, etc. So if what you can afford to host for the whole night is beer/wine - great! Do that. But I wouldn't go half the night with a full open bar and half the night with a dry wedding.

All that said, if your ILs expect a full, open bar, they should pay for it. That would be like your parents "expecting" his parents to pick up the tab for certain types of flowers they want or a certain menu items they want at the RD - it's not ok. You could offer it to them.. Let them know if they want to pay for the open bar for the rest of the evening (your parents still pick up the first half they were originally planning to pay for), you would accept their offer, but it's not in the budget otherwise.

tinambride · June 2013

We're definitely not opposed to alcohol. It's the expense we're trying to keep in check. FIs side are big drinkers and the cost could quickly add up. I do like the above two suggestions so I'll keep those in mind.

tinambride · June 2013

I'm not sure I'm comfortable asking ILs to pick up the tab (especially just half the bill). That's a personal thing. I'm thinking we will go with beer and wine and try to smooth things over.

MsYeck · June 2013

In my area (nebraska) beer, pop, wine is the norm and a lot of places charge per head for a time block like $9 for 3 hours pp or $10 for 4 hours or $11 for 5 hours. If you an find a place that does a block typically the hourly rate goes down the more you book as people start to drink less as the night wears on

erinlin25 · June 2013

Yes, you cannot ask them to host the bar for that is rude; but if the bar exists you need to host it the whole time, so host what you can afford. Host Beer & Wine, add a signature drink to the mix if you can, or host a full open bar-- but whatever you do host it the whole night (typically closes a 1/2 hour-hour before event ends).

If inlaws do not like it, they can choose to host the whole bar; but do not ask them to.

phira · June 2013

A compromise here would be to do an open bar, but not a FULL open bar. You and your parents are paying for the reception, and if you and your parents don't want to do a full open bar all night, then that's your decision.

Your guests will be happier if you're consistent. Full open bar for just the cocktail hour, or just during dinner, will probably result in people thinking, "Oh, I'll go have a drink now!" when the bar is closed. As someone who teaches, I can tell you that no matter HOW clear you are, or how many times you remind people, there will be people who will not know that alcohol will stop being served.

My brother's wedding had a full open bar throughout the reception, but a cash bar during the afterparty (same venue, and it was the leftover alcohol from the open bar ...). Needless to say, I was not happy when I went to get a drink and couldn't because I didn't bring any cash with me to the wedding.

Your in-laws might be a dramatic bunch, but you shouldn't feel guilty about setting boundaries. Your fiance should be the one to talk to them if they get upset.

Jen4948 · June 2013

You don't have to have a full open bar, but you can't limit the times the bar is open. Whatever you offer has to be available throughout the reception. That could be only beer, wine, and virgin drinks, or no bar at all, but you can't close the bar to cut down on alcohol service.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

Host what you can afford the whole night, even if it's just beer and wine the whole night from cocktail hour to last call.

If ILs make a stink about it, tell them your current budget can't afford it.

Kate61487 · June 2013

tinambride said:

Ok, this is kind of a spin off of an earlier post someone made, but I didn't want to take away from their discussion.

My parents are generously paying for most of the reception. ILs are helping with flowers and have offered to host a party at a restaurant the night before the event. Over all, everyone's been very generous and we are very grateful. We are paying for a variety of things that are important to us.. photographer, clothing, etc.

Anyway, the ILs have mentioned many times that they expect a reception to have a full bar for the entire night. They plan to invite friends that (they claim) also expect a full bar. They can't image a wedding reception without one. Drinking is not important to me, my FI, or most of our guests. My parents had planned to have a bar open for part of the night but not the entire night. Unfortunately it seems this is likely to create comments from the ILs. Honestly, I see no need for drama and I do want to help everyone stay happy. MIL is somewhat of a drama queen and I'd like to keep that at bay as much as possible.

Where do you stand with alcohol. Is it necessary or a requirement for a wedding? Does it help the guests have a better time? Should the bar be open the entire night?

Among every family and business event I had ever attended (and we have a family business so there were lots of business events) until I was 20 there was an open bar. I had never even heard of a limited open bar, beer & wine only bar, or cash bar in a catered restaurant atmosphere until I attended my first college friend wedding. I didn't know they existed. And I totally judged anything other than an open bar until I came here and learned that beer & wine only, etc. is technically acceptable (I still kinda judge. I know it's not against etiquette, but that doesn't make me less irritated to be drinking diet coke all night while others are merrily letting the beer and wine flow.)

I say this to hopefully make you recognize that it is a completely legitimate "claim" that their friends might expect a full open bar.

I get the "they're not paying, they don't have a say" thing, but they ARE paying, just not for the bar. They could easily pull their RD offer or their flower offer to shift that cash to the bar; so I think that's kinda nit-picky. They're letting you know that something's important to them and they ARE contributing and thus loosening the budget for you in other places, so I think they should be accommodated; and if you need to scale back on the flowers or RD to make that happen so be it.

NOLAbridealmost · June 2013

It's never, ever, ever required to have alcohol. From an etiquette standpoint, dry weddings are perfectly lovely. That said, you should know your crowd. Perhaps I run in a circle of total lushes, but most of my friends and relatives would be completely aghast at the idea of a dry wedding.

Regardless of your circle, I would definitely never have a bar for only part of the night because closing the bar is a huge signal that the party is over and people will begin leaving at that point.

Hosting beer and wine the whole night is preferable to limiting the time frame that the bar is open.

Kate61487 · June 2013

Liatris2010 said:

This is a first, I'm going to disagree with Kate.

FILs offered to pay for flowers. They could have offered to cover the bar tab, but they offered flowers instead, so they don't get to make demands about the bar. I agree that they can change their minds, and nix the flowers and pay for the bar instead, and that would be fine. But if they say they want to pay for flowers, and they buy flowers, they only get say on flowers. You know the phrase "put your money where your mouth is", I wouldn't say it to your in-laws, but I'm thinking it.

Ha, it had to happen eventually :-)

I guess I was imagining a scenario where the POB already were paying for the reception so the ILs said "okay well we'll cover the flowers and the RD since you don't have those covered yet" but they were presuming, since it's the norm in their life, that paying for the reception included an open bar and had they realized it wouldn't be they would have offered that. Esp. with the "this is likely to create comments from the ILs" it seems like they haven't told the ILs yet despite it being a clear priority for them.

If it's going to be a serious "this or that" budget decision I think it's totally okay for the B&G to go to the ILs and say "hey our reception budget doesn't cover an open bar; do you want us to allocate some of the flower money that way?" or something. But it seemed like they're just waiting for the shit to hit the fan when the ILs get to the reception and discover it's not open bar.

phira · June 2013

I also want to disagree with you Kate (sorry!)--the rehearsal dinner is technically not part of the wedding, and in a lot of ways, I'd feel like hosting the rehearsal dinner yourself is like hosting your own shower or bachelorette party. It's a bit different than those two things, but offering to host the rehearsal dinner is separate from offering to pay for part of the wedding.

And again, the issue here doesn't seem to be 100% about a limited budget, but more than the bride's family and the couple would prefer not to have a full open bar all night.

Kate61487 · June 2013

phira said:

I also want to disagree with you Kate (sorry!)--the rehearsal dinner is technically not part of the wedding, and in a lot of ways, I'd feel like hosting the rehearsal dinner yourself is like hosting your own shower or bachelorette party. It's a bit different than those two things, but offering to host the rehearsal dinner is separate from offering to pay for part of the wedding.

And again, the issue here doesn't seem to be 100% about a limited budget, but more than the bride's family and the couple would prefer not to have a full open bar all night.

To the first bolded: it's not at all the same as a shower or bachelorette; the B&G are fully expected to host this themselves if no one offers (or skip having a rehearsal and eliminate the need). It's not a party to honor the B&G; it's a dinner to thank the rehearsal participants for their time. So if the in laws hadn't offered the B&G would have to pay for it (or cancel it). Thus, IMO, it's all part of the wedding budget.

And the OP said it's 100% about budget:

tinambride said:

We're definitely not opposed to alcohol. It's the expense we're trying to keep in check. FIs side are big drinkers and the cost could quickly add up. I do like the above two suggestions so I'll keep those in mind.

PeachesNCream22 · June 2013

I'd just tell them firmly but politely that if they want a full open bar all night, they have to pay for it. Otherwise, you're so sorry but you can't afford it.

Kate61487 · June 2013

side note: @liatris2010 - can we still be best friends?

VadersValkyrie · June 2013

In my area of the world, a lot of people do hosted bars, where the bar is open until X amount of dollars, at which point the drinks are paid for by the guests. It is not unusual for cash bars, especially when a place is charging $20/hr for people to drink. I mean, I like to drink, but that's a lot of booze in an hour. I know that a lot of people are going to pitch a fit here, but sometimes the people at the wedding are more important than the booze, and if they're your friends, they'll understand.

phira · June 2013

Kate61487 said:

phira said:

I also want to disagree with you Kate (sorry!)--the rehearsal dinner is technically not part of the wedding, and in a lot of ways, I'd feel like hosting the rehearsal dinner yourself is like hosting your own shower or bachelorette party. It's a bit different than those two things, but offering to host the rehearsal dinner is separate from offering to pay for part of the wedding.

And again, the issue here doesn't seem to be 100% about a limited budget, but more than the bride's family and the couple would prefer not to have a full open bar all night.

To the first bolded: it's not at all the same as a shower or bachelorette; the B&G are fully expected to host this themselves if no one offers (or skip having a rehearsal and eliminate the need). It's not a party to honor the B&G; it's a dinner to thank the rehearsal participants for their time. So if the in laws hadn't offered the B&G would have to pay for it (or cancel it). Thus, IMO, it's all part of the wedding budget.
And the OP said it's 100% about budget:

tinambride said:

We're definitely not opposed to alcohol. It's the expense we're trying to keep in check. FIs side are big drinkers and the cost could quickly add up. I do like the above two suggestions so I'll keep those in mind.

Ah, thanks, I missed that last part. Even more of a reason not to have a full open bar.

But hosting the rehearsal dinner isn't the same thing as, "Here's X amount of money towards your wedding" in terms of "whoever pays get a say." While a rehearsal dinner is often not seen as optional, it's more of a convenience for out of town guests and the folks in the rehearsal itself, and not a given as part of the wedding.

Dreamergirl8812 · June 2013

I think you should host a full open bar. The financial savings is just not worth the awkwardness, or people at your wedding having to pull out money (in addition to what they've already spent to attend YOUR wedding), or getting to the bar and being told it's closed. When it comes to a party, alcohol is more than alcohol. It's about comfort and making sure your guests have anything they need (want).

We cut the flowers and favors to help pay for the hosted bar because we knew our guests would really appreciate it. My stepmom likes whiskey sours and she and my dad are paying for most of the wedding. So we want to make her comfortable.

Kate61487 · June 2013

Liatris2010 said:

@Kate61487 said:

side note: @liatris2010 - can we still be best friends?

Always. Now that we had our first (and last!) disagreement we are officially a long-term couple, right?

Most definitely. I better start picking out a ring and planning a rock star proposal.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

If I went to a wedding and planned on drinking, knowing me, I wouldn't drink right away. I probably wouldn't get any alcohol until after dinner and during the dancing portion. Now imagine my surprise if I went to get my first drink and the bar had already closed! I wouldn't be happy.

Whatever alcohol is offered for a reception, I think it has to be consistent throughout the whole event. Doing otherwise is rude. If you can't offer a full open bar the whole time, offering limited selections (beer, wine, etc) is perfectly acceptable.

loca4pook · June 2013

Is alcohol a requirement? NO, but keep in mind "sober" weddings will have a different vibe, most likely. Keep that in mind with what you want.

With that being said, you cant have IL dictate the wedding you like. If you don't want alcohol, don't have it.

Honestly, though? Peope do tend to expect some type of alcohol at a wedding usually. Sometimes, the party may end prematurely if no alcohol is available, as well

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