Parenting

AddieCake · June 2013

I have a friend who is one of those YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG moms if you don't raise your child her way. She gets on her soapbox about certain topics, and her current ones are that she is anti-circumcision and anti-spanking. She believes circumcision is dangerous and potentially deadly and that spanking terrorizes children. She also believes babies should sleep in bed with their parents to bond.

Thoughts? (I know some of us discussed the circumcision thing in an invisible side-bar conversation already, but others may want to weigh in.)

TKzilla · June 2013

Spanking is fine in my book. Clearly I don't do it to other people's children, but I don't judge parents who do it to their own children. I DO judge parents who do that "patient parenting" crap where they give 1247 warnings, count to ten, threaten six different punishments and then don't follow through on any of it. A good open handed smack on the butt would do a lot of children some good.

Attachment parenting freaks me the fuck out. The parents need to be in charge, not the child. You have to separate yourself from your child - you can't be Mommy all the time. It makes me sad when parents lose their own identities when they have children. I also don't like it when the parents refer to each other as "mommy" and "daddy" - it's creepy.

AddieCake · June 2013

CourtaniaLynn said:

Spanking is fine in my book. Clearly I don't do it to other people's children, but I don't judge parents who do it to their own children. I DO judge parents who do that "patient parenting" crap where they give 1247 warnings, count to ten, threaten six different punishments and then don't follow through on any of it. A good open handed smack on the butt would do a lot of children some good.

Attachment parenting freaks me the fuck out. The parents need to be in charge, not the child. You have to separate yourself from your child - you can't be Mommy all the time. It makes me sad when parents lose their own identities when they have children. I also don't like it when the parents refer to each other as "mommy" and "daddy" - it's creepy.

By this, do you mean, "Daddy, should we go to the zoo today?" from the mom to the dad in front of the child? Because that drives me nuts, too.

I also agree the parents who "warn" their kids a zillion times with no real consequences in sight make me stabby.

mercimarie · June 2013

Huh. Well, my sister and I were both spanked, and we have a great relationship with our parents. I certainly would not say we were terrorized. My sister has chosen not to spank her kids, whereas FI and were both spanked and are not against it for our future kids.

As for circumcision, I have no opinion on it, because a) I have no religious attachment to the practice, and b) I don't have a penis so I can't say whether or not it personally affects me (which is the only time I feel like I have a right to judge). I've dated guys who are, and guys who aren't and sometimes I had asked what their thoughts were on it and no one seemed to ever have a fuck to give about it.

Attachment parenting isn't my style, but m'eh, different strokes for different folks. Guess I'm not too exciting in my positions on any of that eh! I have found that attachment parenting seems to go hand in hand with CourtaniaLynn's description of "patient parenting" above and I have to a agree with her that it is really annoying to be in the presence of one of those parents while they're in the middle of "disciplining" their child.

TKzilla · June 2013

AddieL73 said:

CourtaniaLynn said:

Spanking is fine in my book. Clearly I don't do it to other people's children, but I don't judge parents who do it to their own children. I DO judge parents who do that "patient parenting" crap where they give 1247 warnings, count to ten, threaten six different punishments and then don't follow through on any of it. A good open handed smack on the butt would do a lot of children some good.

Attachment parenting freaks me the fuck out. The parents need to be in charge, not the child. You have to separate yourself from your child - you can't be Mommy all the time. It makes me sad when parents lose their own identities when they have children. I also don't like it when the parents refer to each other as "mommy" and "daddy" - it's creepy.

By this, do you mean, "Daddy, should we go to the zoo today?" from the mom to the dad in front of the child? Because that drives me nuts, too.

I also agree the parents who "warn" their kids a zillion times with no real consequences in sight make me stabby.

Yep. For example, saying "Jackson, go ask Daddy if he's ready to go to the zoo." Totally fine. However, "Okay Daddy, let's put Jackson in his car seat and go to the zoo!" Annoying.

jennylee813 · June 2013

As a child I was spanked. As a parent, I have only spanked my children a couple of times, and every one of those times was because whatever they were attempting to do was dangerous (ie. run into the street or picking at the child covers on outlets). Other than that, they are given warnings and my threats are always carried out - we used to have to leave a lot of places. Empty threats do nothing.

Co-sleeping is convenient for breastfeeding, but I don't think it's something that will make or break a childhood. If people do it (I didn't), those cribs without a side that line up with the parent's bed is a good choice. Having a baby in the bed would be too scary for me. I'd never sleep at all.

My DS was not circumcised, simply because we felt that it was unnecessary and didn't want to risk an infection.

happyfor25 · June 2013

I raised 2 kids and we spanked them. We would count to 3 and if the offending behavior continued, they got a smack on the butt. After a while, the count ALWAYS worked because they knew we would follow through with a spank. I can't stand the "negotiation" I see so often between parents and young children.

Attachment parenting creeps me out too.

As for circumcision, we opted to have our son circumcised. My husband is uncircumcised and felt uncomfortable as a school-aged child when in the locker room/bathroom because it was very uncommon at that time to not circumcise. He felt very strongly that we circumcise our son.

ETA: So that I don't sound like a brute, I wanted to add that spanking was not the only form of discipline in our repetoire and not everything was spank-worthy.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

What on earth is attachment parenting? Sleeping with infants is dangerous for the baby and can result in suffocation. I get that it might be convenient for breast feeding, but I don't think convenience outweighs the danger to the infant/child welfare.

I was spanked. I won't spank my kids, though. (So says I with no kids yet... that may change.) I don't really care if people do it to their own kids as long as they don't do it to mine.

relliotts · June 2013

I have no problem with spanking, if it is used appropriately. Both of my kids were spanked for serious offenses when there had been previous warnings. I've only had to spank either of them a handful of times in their lives - after that, they got it. What bothers me are the parents who feel every offense is a spanking offense. As far as I'm concerned, all this does is make the child fear you, which brings up a whole other set of issues in the future.

Sleeping with your child in the bed with you can actually be dangerous. I will admit I did this with my daughter, but later read about several cases of death or injury when someone rolled over on the child or the child somehow got tangled in blankets or fell from the bed. Nothing in life is foolproof obviously, but considering my H at the time and I both weighed more than 10x the baby I didn't want to risk it and she started sleeping in a crib pretty quick. My son never slept in the bed with us. On a selfish note, it was just so much more comfortable and easy to get a decent night's sleep with no baby in the bed, and when you have an infant you definitely need all the sleep you can get.

As to circumcision, I can see both sides. The medical/health reasons for it are not as pressing as they once were, although there are still some present, and I can attest from being present and hearing/seeing the reaction from my son that is IS painful. But he was over it and sleeping pretty quick - the aftereffects of the surgery to put tubes in his ears for chronic ear infections seemed to be much more difficult for him, honestly. I felt that if there was any medical benefit at all, I should go ahead with it. But I can understand why people choose not to.

nsweare · June 2013

I don't understand co-sleeping. There's barely enough room in my bed for me and FI. There's definitely not enough room for us and an 18month old who sleeps starfish-style.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

I wasn't spanked by my mother, but I never did anything really to warrant a spanking. She's say cut it out, and if we did it again she'd give a warning of punishment and we knew better than to push her further.

All she had to do was turn the car around once and we listened.

I don't have kids, but I think that occasional spanking is ok. don't think I would personally use it as the go-to punishment unless the situation really warranted it. I think that spanking can sometimes be misconstrued as abuse, as I think some parents do use "spanking" as a way to whip their kids (literally, like with a belt repeatedly like in this video - it's kind of graphic) while others mean it as a swift smack on the bottom/hand. I think some parents think that all "spankers" are terrible, but unless you are consistently connected to the household, you can't tell if it's justified or not.

On circumcision - I really think it's a parent's choice and it's not a bad or good thing either way.

The babies in the bed scares me- and don't pediatricians (as a whole section of society) say it's a bad thing? like there are too many pillows and blankets and the baby could suffocate?

ETA: link wasn't working.

AddieCake · June 2013

I, too, would be afraid of suffocating a baby if he/she were in bed with me. I have seen these little tub-like things to put the baby in while he/she is in the bed. I guess that would help? But yeah, the not enough room factor would be an even bigger issue with that.

happyfor25 · June 2013

What are your thoughts on "everyone wins, everyone gets a trophy, etc". I think some level of age-appropriate competition is healthy and it sometimes seems that we are coddling children. I would never want to see children's feelings hurt but also think they need to learn that competition is part of life.

My son (who will be 21 next week) was always a tad over-the-top competitive, even when quite young. After his first T-ball game (he was 5) I asked him who won and he replied, "They said we tied but I don't understand cause we ran over home plate more than they did". Another time, he came home from a play date in a very agitated state. I asked what was wrong and he said that they were playing Candyland and his friend's mother said "It's Brucie's turn to win". He was not pleased.

AddieCake · June 2013

Everyone wins and gets a trophy is a huge part of what's wrong with our society today.

relliotts · June 2013

AddieL73 said:

Everyone wins and gets a trophy is a huge part of what's wrong with our society today.

TKzilla · June 2013

AddieL73 said:

Everyone wins and gets a trophy is a huge part of what's wrong with our society today.

Agreed. Kids can't be perfect at everything all the time. They have to learn to lose gracefully.

jennylee813 · June 2013

Yes Addie, and to further that, some schools are abolishing percentage marks because they destroy a child's self worth ... WTF?!?!!?

Unfortunately my children are a part of this. The schools are using a marking system out of 5. 5 means they have 'met or exceeded the expected outcome.' Seriously? My kid can get a '5' on a test, and it means ... nothing... Is their 5 an 80%? Is it 100%? No one knows.

Does not sit well with me OR my kids. And I'm a teacher.

AddieCake · June 2013

I'm a teacher, too, Jennylee, so I have seen on a daily basis for 14 years what this kind of mentality is doing to our kids and our society.

happyfor25 · June 2013

When my son was in the 3rd grade, his reading grade in the first marking period was a B so he asked the teacher what he could do to earn an A next time. She told him not to worry about it, he was doing fine (which he was). At our parent-teacher conference, I mentioned this to her and asked why she didn't give him constructive feedback on how to improve. She told me that since she was a new teacher, she asked some other teachers who told her they don't give As first marking period and that we were too hung up on grades.

Weezy56 · June 2013

We plan on spanking our children when they misbehave

We will also circumcise our boys

We won't have our infant sleep in the bed with us

I hate hate HATE this "everyone wins" mentality today. It's turning the kids into a bunch of whiney, entitled, brats. We want to have a good balance of encouragement and tough love in our home.

ravenray · June 2013

I was spanked and I will spank my children, but I don't believe spanking should be the only form of punishment.

The only think that really bothers me about people who are against spanking is when they try to pass laws to make spanking illegal. I think they tired (maybe it succeeded) to pass one here in CA. If you don't want to spank your children fine, but don't force the rest of us to behave like you would.

I also hate the everyone gets a medal mentality. I really wonder about college students sometimes.

happyfor25 · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

Anyone who has truly researched circumcision and is still okay with it is a fucked-up individual.

As for the other stuff...

1. Spanking is fine, but spanking is NOT beating and it should be used sparingly and only up to the age where other methods of punishment are effective.

2. Attachment parenting freaks me out and I will have none of it.

3. The "everyone's a winner" thing is the biggest downfall of our society.

I had my son circumcised before there was a world wide web and honestly didn't give it any thought at the time. I have since not had reason to research it and will probably not now so I don't have to live with the guilt.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

I hate the "everybody wins" shift.

No not everyone wins - that's why its called winning. That's how kids learn what they are and aren't good at.

I excelled the academic stuff, but not the technical/mechanical stuff. BF excelled at the mechanical stuff, but not the academic. I'm in marketing and he's a welder and we both do just fine thanks.

If you get an A in everything you won't find your strengths and will have a tough time in the real world yo.

Once you hit age 5, the medal for participation should go away.

winelover123 · June 2013

FI and I aren't planning on having children. I grew up with spanking and I turned out pretty well I think. There's a difference between a good whack on the bum and beating your child.

I can't stand the "everyone gets a turn to win" mentality. Children need to learn to be "good winners" as well as "good losers." It helps them later in life when not everyone wins.

KeptInStitches · June 2013

I wouldn't even have a hypothetical baby in bed with me, but I would definitely have the crib in the same room. My mom did that for both my brother and me when we were infants - she had the crib on caster wheels, and everywhere she went (on the same level), we went. It made her day a lot easier.

Somehow I doubt this is controversial, though. I'll just mosey along.

misshart00 · June 2013

I just wanted to comment on the calling each other mommy and daddy. I was reading my baby book the other day and in it, my mom had written that my parents started calling each other that've cause when I started to talk, I would call them by their first names because I hadn't heard anything else.

MoonlightSilver · June 2013

I'm not having kids, but if I was, I'd be a pro-spanking, anti-circumcision, breastfeeding attachment parent who would never let her kid get a participation award.

TKzilla · June 2013

Story time!

My mom and I took our respective daycare kids to Chuck E. Cheese's the other day. We usually go at least twice during the summer for a celebration. There was a little boy there in the toddler area that was going WILD! It didn't bother me until he began taking tokens from other children, trying to pull them off the rides, and hitting the kids. The little one that I babysit kept coming to me to tattle (because in her mind, I have ultimate control over everyone. It's hilarious.) Every time she would come to me, the little boy's father would come and ask what happened, and I'd tell him. "Oh, she said he hit her." or "She said he pushed her."

Finally, she came and said "He hit me on my bottom!" Well at that point our pizza had arrived, so I said "No worries, come eat lunch." The dad came up again and asked what happened and I told him. He packed up their stuff and said "Come on Son's Name, we're leaving. You didn't do anything wrong but we have to leave now."

Um what?

AddieCake · June 2013

I guess that makes sense about the Mommy Daddy thing so the child doesn't call you by your first name. I would crack up if I heard a small child do that,though.

TKzilla · June 2013

AddieL73 said:

I guess that makes sense about the Mommy Daddy thing so the child doesn't call you by your first name. I would crack up if I heard a small child do that,though.

I've heard children call their parents "sweetheart" or "babe" before LMAO

misshart00 · June 2013

CourtaniaLynn said:

AddieL73 said:

I guess that makes sense about the Mommy Daddy thing so the child doesn't call you by your first name. I would crack up if I heard a small child do that,though.

. I've heard children call their parents "sweetheart" or "babe" before LMAO

Aw, crud. I'm going to have to break us of our pet names before baby

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