With all this talk of Gifts and Etiquette and rudeness

loca4pook · June 2013

Just wondering how many people here have ever gone to a wedding and not given a gift. What were the circumstances behind it?

If you knew you couldn't afford to give a gift, would you skip the wedding? or go empty handed? used gift? just a card?

Anyone ever criticized for a gift you did give?

Just curious

misshart00 · June 2013

I went to one out of town. Plane ride away. My FI at the time wasn't invited. While there, I was asked to be the guest book attendant and cake cutter. I didn't get to sit down for most of the reception. I planned to send a card later. Never happened.

MsYeck · June 2013

When I was out of work but living by myself I had my parents add my name to their card/check like 15 minutes before we left for the ceremony.

loca4pook · June 2013

you had to cut the cake for EVERYONE? Like how many people? WOW

misshart00 · June 2013

loca4pook said:
you had to cut the cake for EVERYONE? Like how many people? WOW

Yep. Warm cheesecake. About 150 people.

aurianna · June 2013

A good friend of mine had a wedding when I was unemployed. After the plane ride and the hotel cost it just wasn't feasible and I just got her a card.
7 months after the wedding (almost to the day) I got to see her again and gave her a new card with a check and she seemed genuinely happy and surprised, though I'm pretty sure she never actually cashed the check.

ETA:
I could have not gone I suppose, but I genuinely wanted to see her married and see our mutual friends, even if that meant having to wait to give her a present until I could afford it.

Jen4948 · June 2013

I was out of work at the time my brother and SIL were married. They had registered at Mikasa and Crate & Barrel and my mother absolutely wouldn't hear of my not giving them any gift besides a card despite my being on an intensely tight budget. I was pressured into buying them a setting of flatware and I did give a card. I would have given them at least that.

I have gotten criticized over gifts before and it made me decide not to give to the critical recipients ever again.

cwaggoner07 · June 2013

Two weeks before our wedding in Dallas, we went to a wedding in San Francisco. Since H works with cameras, they asked him to take pics, which was kind of annoying, but they are good friends of H, so whatever. They did put us up in an (expensive) hotel, but didn't pay us. Since it was right before our wedding, and we had to pay for 2 flights out there and a rental car and hotels the rest of the time we were there, we didn't give a gift and didn't feel bad.

itzMS · June 2013

I've always been taught that weddings were gift giving events, so I was a bit surprised at the number of people who did not give a gift at my wedding. I certainly don't care in retrospect, I just didn't realize it was so common.

DH & I would probably decline a wedding invitation if we couldn't afford to give a gift of at least $25, but that's just us.

easilyunamused · June 2013

I only have one time. I was a BM, had to pay almost $1500 (for plane ride, time off work, dress, hair accessories, ect) so I only gave a card. I did call the bar they were at to send a bottle of champagne to their table at her bacholerette party though. (I wasn't in the same state)

loca4pook · June 2013

itzMS said:

I've always been taught that weddings were gift giving events, so I was a bit surprised at the number of people who did not give a gift at my wedding. I certainly don't care in retrospect, I just didn't realize it was so common.

DH & I would probably decline a wedding invitation if we couldn't afford to give a gift of at least $25, but that's just us.

I have never gone and not given a gift. It was the way I was raised, as well.

I expected to have some people give no gifts, but I was surprised at how many people couldn't even take the effort to give a CARD...I guess it was their way of hoping you didn't notice they didn't give you a gift?!? LOL

RedJacks25 · June 2013

I've never attended a wedding without bringing a gift. It had actually never even crossed my mind until I came on here.

Realizing it's socially acceptable now, I could have saved myself a lot of money over the years on gifts I really didn't want to buy for couples I didn't really know and/or care too much for.

I think I would always at least bring a card, though.

annathy03 · June 2013

FI forgot to get a gift for his cousins wedding 2 years ago (remembered when his mom mentioned how lovely the thank you cards were and sent a check at that point).

I didn't give a gift to my cousin who got married while I was in college, but I was included on the gift my parents gave, and I think I was invited on their invitation so NBD. My other cousin had a DW in Mexico that I had to decline due to lack of vacation time rather than funds, and while I meant to send a gift I forgot to.

Theoretically I'm with Stage- if it's a coworker or acquaintance I'd decline if I couldn't swing a gift, but if I'm close with them I'll assume my presence is appreciated more than a present and come with a card. If they were local to me I'd also offer to do something like getting their mail/watering plants/pet sitting while they're on their honeymoon.

ETA: typos.

OliveOilsMom · June 2013

My brother's wedding was the first wedding I attended as a grown up. I did not give them a gift, I just didn't know any better! I was fresh out of college and even my mom told me not to worry about the shower gift as she put my name on all the stuff she bought. I did give them some good anniversary gifts over the next couple years to make up for it.

loca4pook · June 2013

annathy03 said:

FI forgot to get a gift for his cousins wedding 2 years ago (remembered when his mom mentioned how lovely the thank you cards were) and sent a check at that point.

I didn't give a gift to my cousin who got married while I was in college, but I was included on the gift my parents gave, and I think I was invited on their invitation so NBD. My other cousin had a DW in Mexico that I had to decline due to lack of vacation time rather than funds, and while I meant to send a gift I forgot to.

Theoretically I'm with Stage- if it's a coworker or acquaintance I'd decline if I couldn't swing a gift, but if I'm close with them I'll assume my presence is appreciated more than a present and come with a card. If they were local to me I'd also offer to do something like getting their mail/watering plants/pet sitting while they're on their honeymoon

I tend to agree with this. If I knew I couldn't afford a gift and I wasn't close with the person, I'd skip it. If it was a close friend, I'd hope they understood and would still go. I personally would apologize like crazy and tell them I owe them a gift when my situation changes. It's just not in my nature to attend that type of event and not ackowledge my lack of gift. I am self conscious about that type of thing and would personally feel worried they would think I was cheap or rude. I would rather explain my hardship and let them know how much I care, rather than look like I didn't want to "waste" money on them, if that makes sense.

gmcr78 · June 2013

One time-my FI's cousin's 2nd reception. They live and got married on the west coast, and we were not invited to the wedding or reception. They had a 2nd reception on the east coast, which we attended. Since we weren't invited to the actual wedding event, we didn't think of it as being the same thing as an actual reception, hence no gift.

Other than that, I've never shown up to a wedding without a gift.

ETA: FI is not close to this cousin at all, and it was the first time I'd even met them.

Pepper6 · June 2013

For my sister's first wedding, I only gave a card because I was 18 and paying for my college myself and couldn't really spare any money.

We also only gave a card for one of H's friends. It's a long story, but essentially they were a complete bride/groom-zilla couple and pissed a lot of people off. We went because they'd already given their final numbers, but we were in no way feeling generous towards them at that point.

CrazyCatLady3 · June 2013

@misshart00, I don't really understand the point of a guest book attendant. Don't people know what to do with guest books?

ashleyep · June 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

My brother's wedding was the first wedding I attended as a grown up. I did not give them a gift, I just didn't know any better! I was fresh out of college and even my mom told me not to worry about the shower gift as she put my name on all the stuff she bought. I did give them some good anniversary gifts over the next couple years to make up for it.

I went to a wedding with my FI when I was in college, his step-sister's I believe. Same deal, my first wedding as a grown up not on my parent's invitation. I didn't know any better, we hadn't been dating long and I was just his guest, but I realized later that I don't think we got them a card or a check or anything. I made sure we gave a gift a year or two later when his step-brother got married. Oops.

MKM2014 · June 2013

I was a MOH in a wedding where pretty much the entire bridal party was made up of full time college students working part time. My fiancé (boyfriend at the time) & I did get a gift for the shower & the wedding, but at least one other bridesmaid did not get a gift for the shower (not sure about the wedding). We were all making $10,000/year at best & it was difficult for some to even be in the wedding & buy dress, sash, shoes, contribute to bachelorette party & cohost the shower etc. I occasionally heard some complaints from the bride about her party but that was actually never among them.

CALEO · June 2013

I was a bridesmaid in the wedding. We split the bridesmaids into 1/2s and one half through the shower and the other the bachelorette. I threw the bachelorette. The bride never said thank you for it (a 3 day weekend in Vegas) - and never opened her wallet the entire time (not for breakfast, lunch or dinner, or cab rides, drinks etc for the whole 3 days - We all paid for her hotel room and were planning on one dinner...) and had the gall to tell us that "she wasn't all that happy with the way it turned out" because we didn't have a table the night we went clubbing (long story short we HAD a table reserved until 10:45 but SHE caused us to be late by canceling the plans we had made for the evening and booking dinner at a super expensive sushi restaurant (we were doing a nice dinner the next night). I paid for my whole trip for that, my share of her costs all weekend, and then $150 to stock the hotel rooms with food/drinks for 15 girls. I couldn't make it to her shower (FI and I had existing plans for a weekend stay at a golf and country club - we hadn't had a day off in 5 months together and we'd each taken time off) and she didn't understand why I didn't just "come to the shower for a bit" since the drive was "only" an hour (more like 2 hours each way and NO. I am not taking 6 hours out of the ONLY full day FI and I have off together to go to your shower, especially after how ungrateful you were about the bachelorette), then I sent a really nice shower gift ($80) and she wrote me a thank you card that said 'Thanks for the platter, but your presence was way more important than a present." And then she made us get our hair and makeup done (and pay our own), had a destination wedding that required we each take a day off work and rent a place to stay, etc. In the end we just gave her a card for the wedding.

She brought it up later (with 3 of us bridesmaids) and said "Hey guys.... you know you are the only ones that didn;t give us a gift?" and the three of us just looked at each other and were like "we know." and then dropped it.

The good news is she is in my wedding and is still a good friend and is no longer bridezilla. (although she's had some really bad advice for me like "its your day do what you want.")....

I honestly don't feel bad about it (ok maybe like 5% bad)....

aurianna · June 2013

Caleo... you're a stronger person than I am. I'd have trouble still talking to someone that acted like that, let alone ask them to be in my wedding.

Jen4948 · June 2013

aurianna said:

Caleo... you're a stronger person than I am. I'd have trouble still talking to someone that acted like that, let alone ask them to be in my wedding.

So would I. Your friend must have some really wonderful qualities to still be your friend after that.

harper0813 · June 2013

I didn't give a gift when I was a personal attendant for a friend. I had one, but we left early and took it with us. It was a gift card. She was completely rude the whole day. Setting up her reception and hauling shit around and then getting ready for the wedding in a gas station bathroom because she changed her mind and only wanted her BMs in the room with her was my gift to her.

ETA: I had given her a gift at one of her showers. I was invited to both of them.

Bubblegum5586 · June 2013

I had a wedding 2 weeks after my college graduation in florida for my cousin (we live in MA). I had been with FI for over 3 years at this point and my aunt was making a big deal about inviting him as well (so we are 22 and together for 3 years, and this aunt also made a big deal that this same cousin's SO should be invited to my sister's Bat Mitzvah a few years back...).

When my mom talked to her she explained we were serious (even though it took almost 5 more years before we are getting married lol!) and my aunt's repsonse was; "Well if she gets an adult invitation to bring a guest that she is expected to bring her OWN gift and not just tack on to yours." pauses and quickly follows with "I am only telling you this so you are aware of proper etiquette".

Granted its nobodys business how others spend their money but this family is extremly well off and the Bride and Groom were both successful lawyers, and my aunt wants to make sure her unemployed JUST graduated neice brings her own gift!!!

So I'm thinking I have no money.... I'll give her a print from my recent art class of a beautiful butterfly that I hand cut out of wood. And then I forgot to send it... and its 4 years later. oops

KeptInStitches · June 2013

@CALEO, I gave up a friendship with a bride for less than that. You're a better person than I am.

loca4pook · June 2013

Some of these stories are pretty good!!

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

I've never gone to a wedding without some sort of gift. I had a friend invite me as her +1 when her boyfriend dumped her and I still went and got the couple a small gift off their registry. I'd have to have a situation like @zoberg or @caleo to do that.

banana468 · June 2013

We've always given a gift.

DH was rather disappointed by the gift we received from friends. He attended their J&J (and payed a ticket to get in PLUS gave them a gift and drank from the cash bar), went to their wedding (cash bar again I believe) and gave a gift there too. When they had a baby, I went to her baby shower with a joint gift from DH and me.

When it came time for our wedding, she didn't come to my shower and they gave the least of all our friends. I tried telling DH that he can't claim to know the finances of his friends but he felt a bit used.

We don't think weddings are a tit for tat thing at all. I think he was more upset that he's generally on the giving end of things.

lyndsay782 · June 2013

Ok, so you are all familiar with the facebook pot luck celebration I've been invited to. FI wants to go to watch the carnage, and now you have me thinking, should I buy a gift or would my potential potluck contribution be considered my "gift"?

I'm trying to convince him to "work" and then let us magically go to the beach that day instead...

Summer2011Bride · June 2013

I've never gone to a wedding empty-handed and personally would never do that. If I truly couldn't afford anything, I would at least bring a card and write a nice, heartfelt message inside to the bride and groom.

With all this talk of Gifts and Etiquette and rudeness

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