Bridesmaids' shoes problem!

AriellaBlue_22702726 · May 2013

I'm not asking the bridesmaids to get a specific shoe, I know that's not cool. But I DO want them to all have a certain color shoe, and they are not happy about this!

They want to wear black shoes they already own. But I think black will look way too harsh with my color scheme. I want them to get silver shoes - I don't care what height, or anything, I just want them to be silver, strappy and metallic. They are telling me that they don't want to buy a pair of shoes they'll never wear again.

What do I do?

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Nobody, but nobody, but nobody looks at the BMs shoes at weddings. One of my BMs ended up walking down the aisle barefoot.

Nobody noticed.

Xstatic3333 · May 2013

If they hate silver, I'd modify the plan. I may be in the minority, but I do think saying no black is reasonable. How about saying nude, brown, or grey? FWIW I had the opposite situation. I would never wear silver and thought nude might be cute, but my BMs hated that idea and landed on silver as the consensus color. If anyone changes their mind and tells me later that silver is an issue, I am fine with mixed colors and will suggest nude, white, or grey.

Blue_Bird · May 2013

Buy the shoes yourself. This is really so simple.

Sarah & Kevin · May 2013

I personally don't understand why some of these responses are rather rude and immature. She's asking for advise in a positive manner, don't be so negative. I personally asked all of my BM to wear a silver shoe with rhinestones. I didn't care what type of shoe it was but it had to be silver and rhinestones were to be present. I had one out of my 5 BM try to throw a different idea at me and I said no. After all, it is my wedding. I bought cheap shows for proms and homecoming and never wore them again so what's the big deal about doing it for a wedding?? Now, if someone came to you on a financial note, then that could be different. But I for one would refuse a black shoe. Something about that color just doesn't scream WEDDING to me (depending on your wedding scheme of course). I wouldn't let your bridesmaids complaints put a damper on what you envisioned. Go with what matters to you! Congrats on your engagement!!!

artbyallie · May 2013

In Response to Re: Bridesmaids' shoes problem!:
[QUOTE]I personally don't understand why some of these responses are rather rude and immature. She's asking for advise in a positive manner, don't be so negative. I personally asked all of my BM to wear a silver shoe with rhinestones. I didn't care what type of shoe it was but it had to be silver and rhinestones were to be present. I had one out of my 5 BM try to throw a different idea at me and I said no. After all, it is my wedding. I bought cheap shows for proms and homecoming and never wore them again so what's the big deal about doing it for a wedding?? Now, if someone came to you on a financial note, then that could be different. But I for one would refuse a black shoe. Something about that color just doesn't scream WEDDING to me (depending on your wedding scheme of course). I wouldn't let your bridesmaids complaints put a damper on what you envisioned. Go with what matters to you! Congrats on your engagement!!!
Posted by Sarah & Kevin[/QUOTE]

Congratulations. You have missed the point of our posts, which were not rude. Disagreeing with someone is not rude. And the point is, no one but the bride will notice or care about the bridesmaid's feet, and frankly the bride should really not care so much either. Was your precious wedding vision really so much more important than letting your friends be comfortable while standing by your side? Really? Somehow I don't think we're the immature ones here.

Simply Fated · May 2013

Maybe compromise? Ask if silver is okay, but not strappy? Or maybe you could buy them all silver shoe clips to break up the black a bit?
Personally, I was asked to buy silver shoes for a friend's wedding and I have worn them again since. To me, it's a neutral color. It goes good with almost everything, except maybe a gold dress lol. However, if it's not in their budget, it's not. And it's def not a hill worth dying on.

daria24 · May 2013

Yes, we usually tell brides that they can request a neutral colored shoe, such as black, nude, etc. and I think you are within your right to ask for silver shoes (I would ditch the strappy part though, would it really be bad if they were silver pumps?)

But at the end of the day...if they really really don't want to wear silver shoes, you need to decide if it's worth the fight. Personally, I would let it go. The only guests that will notice the BM's shoes are fashionistas and possibly, other brides who are having the Great Shoe Debate themselves.

banana468 · May 2013

If they have such a huge issue with silver, would they be open to a different metallic or a different neutral color?

Yes, you can dictate color (I wouldn't go so far as to say exact style either) but is this a hill worth dying on ?

mlg78 · May 2013

I'm curious what the dresses look like that will look SO harsh with black shoes... I told my girls silver shoes (just silver, no other requirements) and 3 out of 4 already owned them. The 4th owned a glittery pair but she didn't mind buying a pair on her own and she bought a style she knew she'd wear again and again. I didn't request her to buy a pair.

You need to be way more flexible.

Kate61487 · May 2013

I don't think silver is such a difficult request, but requesting they be strappy means you're dictating the style - my preferred shoes are peep toe and ballet flats so I'd push back on strappy too.

I'd see if just silver, with no other requirements, is amenable to them and if not just let it go. No one will notice black shoes.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

I don't think asking for a neutral color like silver is too much of a demand. But I would nix the strappy requirements. I own zero strappy shoes and much prefer a peep toe pump to a strappy shoe that will just cut off circulation to my toes and will not provide as much stability as a pump would.

But if they still complain just let them wear black shoes. Black goes with everything and will certainly go with whatever color scheme you have decided on. I also love me a nice pair of black pumps, they are classic and elegant and can be worn over and over and over again.

daveANDkristen · May 2013

sarah stoddard said:

I personally don't understand why some of these responses are rather rude and immature. She's asking for advise in a positive manner, don't be so negative. I personally asked all of my BM to wear a silver shoe with rhinestones. I didn't care what type of shoe it was but it had to be silver and rhinestones were to be present. I had one out of my 5 BM try to throw a different idea at me and I said no. After all, it is my wedding. I bought cheap shows for proms and homecoming and never wore them again so what's the big deal about doing it for a wedding?? Now, if someone came to you on a financial note, then that could be different. But I for one would refuse a black shoe. Something about that color just doesn't scream WEDDING to me (depending on your wedding scheme of course). I wouldn't let your bridesmaids complaints put a damper on what you envisioned. Go with what matters to you! Congrats on your engagement!!!

1. No one was rude to OP. Telling her no one cares about the BMs shoes is not rude, and is absolutely true.

2. Silver with rhinestones is pretty close to dictating the type of shoe. In my opinion, if you are asking for anything other than a neutral of some kind (that most women already own), you should pay for it. That goes for you and for the OP as well.

3. If you want to waste your money on cheap shoes that you will never wear again, that is your prerogative. I don't. If I can wear a shoe I already own, I will do that, and save my money for important things, like bills.

4. and 5. If the style of someone else's shoes is going to jeopardize your wedding "vision", you're doing it wrong.

jemmini6 · May 2013

I don't think requesting a silver shoe is out of line since I do consider that a 'neutral' color, but if your BMs have expressed their wish to just wear black, I really don't think it's a big deal.

To put this in perspective, out of the 900+ pictures I received from my wedding, I think there are maybe 5 total that you can even see my BMs shoes, and even then, I had to look specifically for the point of answering questions like these, not because I actually noticed on my own. I know my BMs wore black shoes, but I honestly can't tell you what style they were.

Basically, you can push the issue if you really want to, but I think you'll find it easier to just capitulate on this and move on. BM shoes are not exactly important in the grand scheme of things.

Viczaesar · May 2013

sarah stoddard said:

I personally don't understand why some of these responses are rather rude and immature. She's asking for advise in a positive manner, don't be so negative. I personally asked all of my BM to wear a silver shoe with rhinestones. I didn't care what type of shoe it was but it had to be silver and rhinestones were to be present. I had one out of my 5 BM try to throw a different idea at me and I said no. After all, it is my wedding. I bought cheap shows for proms and homecoming and never wore them again so what's the big deal about doing it for a wedding?? Now, if someone came to you on a financial note, then that could be different. But I for one would refuse a black shoe. Something about that color just doesn't scream WEDDING to me (depending on your wedding scheme of course). I wouldn't let your bridesmaids complaints put a damper on what you envisioned. Go with what matters to you! Congrats on your engagement!!!

1. It was YOUR CHOICE to buy cheap shoes to wear to prom and homecoming.
2. Some of us don't do that.
3. You seriously need to look up the words "rude" and "immature" in a dictionary, because your view is skewed.

lovesclimbing · May 2013

sarah stoddard said:

But I for one would refuse a black shoe. Something about that color just doesn't scream WEDDING to me (depending on your wedding scheme of course).

Is there any color that screams wedding? I personally wouldn't automatically think "wedding" at any color (OK, maybe white) unless it was actually being used in a wedding. (And fyi, my BMs all wore black shoes and they looked lovely with their eggplant dresses).

Also, I do not consider silver a neutral. If I had asked my BMs for silver shoes, all three of them would have had to buy a new pair of shoes. I didn't even own a silver pair until I bought them to wear at my wedding.

@AriellaBlue - can we see a pic of the dresses your BMs are wearing? Or at least tell us the shade? Black would look good with almost anything. Unless they're wearing a very pale shade, then I could see it maybe looking a little bit odd. If that is the case (pale dresses), maybe ask for white? I think that is a more common shoe color than silver.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

lovesclimbing said:

sarah stoddard said:

But I for one would refuse a black shoe. Something about that color just doesn't scream WEDDING to me (depending on your wedding scheme of course).
Is there any color that screams wedding? I personally wouldn't automatically think "wedding" at any color (OK, maybe white) unless it was actually being used in a wedding. (And fyi, my BMs all wore black shoes and they looked lovely with their eggplant dresses).

Also, I do not consider silver a neutral. If I had asked my BMs for silver shoes, all three of them would have had to buy a new pair of shoes. I didn't even own a silver pair until I bought them to wear at my wedding.

@AriellaBlue - can we see a pic of the dresses your BMs are wearing? Or at least tell us the shade? Black would look good with almost anything. Unless they're wearing a very pale shade, then I could see it maybe looking a little bit odd. If that is the case (pale dresses), maybe ask for white? I think that is a more common shoe color than silver.

I have to disagree whole heartedly with white being a more common shoe color then silver. I have one pair of white shoes and they are the foam wedged flip flops that I purchased for my wedding to replace my uncomfortable heels. They are beat up and dirty. I own no other pair of white shoes and haven't since I was like 6 and wore white patent leather mary janes with my easter dress. But I do own 3 pairs of a variety of silver shoes.

Neutral shoe colors are black, silver, gold, nude and white (even though I am not a fan of white shoes with anything other then a wedding dress). These neutral colors are deemed this because they would go with a variety of dress colors and are something that most women have already in their closet as opposed to a bright lime green or fushcia.

Asking for a neutral color is not wrong but getting super specific with style steps over the line.

I am really interested in what color the BMs dresses are where black would be too harsh.

AriellaBlue · May 2013

Sorry for the long delay, I've been travelling!

The bridesmaids dresses are light pink, and the whole color scheme of the wedding is light pinks, grays, and tans - the groom and groomsmen are wearing tan suits. The dresses are long, but you'll be able to see the girls' feet while they are walking, sitting down, etc; plus we're going to do some of those pictures with all the girls' feet in a circle.

I'd be kind of okay with nude shoes, but they don't have any of those either. (Neither do I, so that doesn't really surprise me a ton.)

STARMOON44 · May 2013

Can't you just not take photos of their feet in a circle then? If they're wearing long dresses, I just can't see it mattering at all what their shoes look like. Let them wear whatever they want.

RebeccaB88 · May 2013

Can you not just tell them to choose silver, pink, gray, or tan? Surely they either have or have a use for one of those colors, in any style. I agree with you, I don't think I'd like black either. Even an ivory or white would blend in better than black, I think.

Viczaesar · May 2013

Wanting a picture of their feet in a circle is a bad reason to dictate shoe color.

MissMolly · May 2013

Okay, I'm now concerned about something. My girls are in black cocktail dresses that they chose themselves, and I had requested nude shoes that they can also choose themselves. I didn't care what their dresses looked like, and I couldn't care less about the shoe style either. However, I'm now concerned that I overstepped a line in requesting a certain colour of shoe. Should've I just left it up to them to choose their preferred colour?

RetreadBride said:

Nobody was rude. Asking bridesmaids to drop MORE money on a pair of shoes is rude.

Viczaesar · May 2013

Alesha, it's fine to request a neutral color as long as your ladies don't have a serious objection to it, like in this case.

MissMolly · May 2013

Okay, good, good. I'm glad to hear that I wasn't being an uber bitch by requesting that. I know my sister (MOH) already has a pair of nude shoes at home, but she chose to buy a new pair that is kind of pinkish nude. My other BM doesn't have nude shoes at home, but I don't think she minds getting a pair. She's a doctor, and goes to functions sometimes that would allow her to wear them again and again (hopefully!) If not, I'm fine with black, which I know she has. I really don't care much, as long as they're both there to celebrate our day.

MoxieMickie · May 2013

No one is going to be eyeing your BM's hems hoping for a glimpse of shoe and feeling like the entire theme is destroyed by the glimpse of black. Is this really what you want to fight your friends about? Not everyone can or wants to spend $15 on shoes to wear once. For some of us with foot or pain issues, buying shoes would require 3-10 hours looking and spending $80-300.

RaisingThemLeft · May 2013

I have to agree with the bride that black would be awful with light pink. Sorry. I have no dog in this race, I'm a married 36 yr old mom of three looking for ring bearer ideas on thiis site for my 8 year old. I think when you agree to be in a wedding, you agree to buy a dress and shoes, within reason. Sorry. I say this as someone who has been in more than a few. Unless your bride friend is asking you to drop a fortune on specific shoes you should buy the requested color. I just bought a dress and dyed to match shoes and now need to outfit my kids and I don't expect the bride to go for a pair of shorts and scuffed up Sketchers just because its what my kid already has. It's a wedding. If you accept the invitation to be in it, buy the shoes and dress.

Viczaesar · May 2013

RaisingThemLeft said:

I have to agree with the bride that black would be awful with light pink. Sorry. I have no dog in this race, I'm a married 36 yr old mom of three looking for ring bearer ideas on thiis site for my 8 year old. I think when you agree to be in a wedding, you agree to buy a dress and shoes, within reason. Sorry. I say this as someone who has been in more than a few. Unless your bride friend is asking you to drop a fortune on specific shoes you should buy the requested color. I just bought a dress and dyed to match shoes and now need to outfit my kids and I don't expect the bride to go for a pair of shorts and scuffed up Sketchers just because its what my kid already has. It's a wedding. If you accept the invitation to be in it, buy the shoes and dress.

No, you agree to buy a dress, selected with your budget and comfort in mind. That's it. Anything else is on the bride.

twist41384 · June 2013

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking them all to wear the same shoes or similar shoes. You ASKED them to be in the bridal party and they said YES knowing there are expenses. Its not like you are asking them to wear ridiculously expensive shoes. My fiance's sister asked us all to buy the same shoes and have them dyed to match the dress. The shoes were only $40 and I will probably never wear them again because of their color but it was HER day and I agreed to be a part of it.

banana468 · June 2013

twist41384 said:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking them all to wear the same shoes or similar shoes. You ASKED them to be in the bridal party and they said YES knowing there are expenses. Its not like you are asking them to wear ridiculously expensive shoes. My fiance's sister asked us all to buy the same shoes and have them dyed to match the dress. The shoes were only $40 and I will probably never wear them again because of their color but it was HER day and I agreed to be a part of it.

Asking for dyed to match shoes is too much. If the bride insists on that, she pays.

Viczaesar · June 2013

twist41384 said:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking them all to wear the same shoes or similar shoes. You ASKED them to be in the bridal party and they said YES knowing there are expenses. Its not like you are asking them to wear ridiculously expensive shoes. My fiance's sister asked us all to buy the same shoes and have them dyed to match the dress. The shoes were only $40 and I will probably never wear them again because of their color but it was HER day and I agreed to be a part of it.

Nope.

aurianna · June 2013

twist41384 said:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking them all to wear the same shoes or similar shoes. You ASKED them to be in the bridal party and they said YES knowing there are expenses. Its not like you are asking them to wear ridiculously expensive shoes. My fiance's sister asked us all to buy the same shoes and have them dyed to match the dress. The shoes were only $40 and I will probably never wear them again because of their color but it was HER day and I agreed to be a part of it.

If she didn't pay for the shoes, she was rude to you guys. "Everyone, please piss away $40 on something that you will never use again and have no say over, that will amount to absolutely nothing when it's said and done (because no one cares about your shoes), because I want to know they match even though I'll probably be too busy to even remember to look at your feet that day." It's not cool.

The bridesmaid is the one doing the bride a favor by standing beside her on the day and by buying a dress. To think it's ok to ask the bridesmaids to literally throw away more money on something as insignificant as shoes because it's "your day" is just a bad attitude (NOT saying the OP is doing this. Just in general).

Personally I think black and pink look good together. But that aside, I say just tell them, "I'd prefer nude, grey, tan or silver." And leave it at that. If they show up in black shoes they show up in black shoes. But hopefully if you're reasonable with your request they will try to accommodate it.

Seriously, I could NOT tell you anything at all about my three bridesmaids' shoes. I just asked my husband if he could remember their shoes and he couldn't. I asked him if he could remember MY shoes and he only remembers "silver" but not that they were peep toed with a little ruffle and a big rhinestone bow.

Their dresses are long. Let them wear the shoes they think looks good with the dress.

I had to buy silver shoes for the last wedding I was in a year ago and I've only managed to wear them once since. It's not fun having to drop lots of money on something essentially useless.

ETA:
FWIW, I don't think asking them for silver shoes is outrageous. But if there's push back, I'd try to avoid a fight.

Bridesmaids' shoes problem!

Re: Bridesmaids' shoes problem!

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