s/o Drink Etiquette Poll

ashleyep · June 2013

@muppetfan

MuppetFan said:

So far we are mostly proving my theory that people are used to it in New England, less Connecticut. VERY interesting. My grandmother is actually pissed off at me that we are having an limited open bar. She actually said "don't you dare!" to me. Both she and my mother think I'm being very wasteful because I could utilize that money differently. FFIL is paying for it. I just tell them that's their gift to me so I'm not wasting anything.

I was talking to some of my CA friends this week about our best man's wedding and they were all horrified about the prospect of bringing their wallet to a wedding. I was like, don't worry, we won't charge you at ours....

A good chunk of my guests are out of town requiring over a 4 hour drive or a plane flight. I have several coming from across the country. Almost everyone is at least an hour or two away. I just can't imagine how awful it would be to welcome them and thank them for coming with a bill for their drinks.

I'm from MA and I think I've been to one wedding in New England that was an open bar - and that seemed pretty extravagant. The rest have been open bar during cocktail hour - you have a few drinks then and then sip the rest of the night. Maybe wine service with dinner as well.

I understand the comments that say they judge the other things a couple spent their money one, but at least here it's not done maliciously. It's not done because you don't want to spend the money on your guests, it's just kind of seen as an unnecessary expense. EVERY function here is pretty much cash bar - my grandfather's 80th birthday was in a function room at a restaurant and had a cash bar, my FI's mom's 60th was at a function room at an inn and had a cash bar.

I'm so torn because after reading this board I don't want to be a bad host, but at my venue that's $5000 that none of my guests are expecting me to spend. It's so common here that no one would be upset, I know my guests and their expectations. My parents are saying just do the cocktail hour, maybe the wine service, his are saying the same.

annathy03 · June 2013

ashleyep said: @muppetfan MuppetFan said: So far we are mostly proving my theory that people are used to it in New England, less Connecticut. VERY interesting. My grandmother is actually pissed off at me that we are having an limited open bar. She actually said "don't you dare!" to me. Both she and my mother think I'm being very wasteful because I could utilize that money differently. FFIL is paying for it. I just tell them that's their gift to me so I'm not wasting anything.

I was talking to some of my CA friends this week about our best man's wedding and they were all horrified about the prospect of bringing their wallet to a wedding. I was like, don't worry, we won't charge you at ours....

A good chunk of my guests are out of town requiring over a 4 hour drive or a plane flight. I have several coming from across the country. Almost everyone is at least an hour or two away. I just can't imagine how awful it would be to welcome them and thank them for coming with a bill for their drinks.
I'm from MA and I think I've been to one wedding in New England that was an open bar - and that seemed pretty extravagant. The rest have been open bar during cocktail hour - you have a few drinks then and then sip the rest of the night. Maybe wine service with dinner as well.
I understand the comments that say they judge the other things a couple spent their money one, but at least here it's not done maliciously. It's not done because you don't want to spend the money on your guests, it's just kind of seen as an unnecessary expense. EVERY function here is pretty much cash bar - my grandfather's 80th birthday was in a function room at a restaurant and had a cash bar, my FI's mom's 60th was at a function room at an inn and had a cash bar.

I'm so torn because after reading this board I don't want to be a bad host, but at my venue that's $5000 that none of my guests are expecting me to spend. It's so common here that no one would be upset, I know my guests and their expectations. My parents are saying just do the cocktail hour, maybe the wine service, his are saying the same.

If you don't want to spend the 5k that's fine, hosting cocktail hour and wine service with dinner is fine, just don't have a cash bar in addition to that. An hour of free flowing drinks and something to sip with dinner is more than sufficient provided you cover soft drinks the rest of the evening.

ETA to separate my comment from PPs, not sure why the quote box shows in my text box but not on the post.

ashleyep · June 2013

annathy03 said:

If you don't want to spend the 5k that's fine, hosting cocktail hour and wine service with dinner is fine, just don't have a cash bar in addition to that. An hour of free flowing drinks and something to sip with dinner is more than sufficient provided you cover soft drinks the rest of the evening.

ETA to separate my comment from PPs, not sure why the quote box shows in my text box but not on the post.

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@annathy03 my family would be more upset by that than having to purchase their own liquor for the rest of the evening. Even a beer and wine open bar would probably annoy them.

The only way for me to not offend the handful of guests that might be upset at the cash bar and the family members who would like to be able to drink liquor is to do a full open bar, which is something I suppose I can budget for. But at that point it seems like I'm doing it more to brag about what a good host I was more than my guests would actually care about it.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

I haven't been to any other Idaho weddings, but Im assuming cash bars are normal here since a lot of guests said they'd never seen an open bar and raved about how I hosted.

My old roommate just texted me last weekend about a wedding he did photography for. It was a cash bar one, and he was telling me how it wasn't as good as mine (my wedding was the first he ever went to).

MuppetFan · June 2013

.

ashleyep said:

annathy03 said:

If you don't want to spend the 5k that's fine, hosting cocktail hour and wine service with dinner is fine, just don't have a cash bar in addition to that. An hour of free flowing drinks and something to sip with dinner is more than sufficient provided you cover soft drinks the rest of the evening.

ETA to separate my comment from PPs, not sure why the quote box shows in my text box but not on the post.

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@annathy03 my family would be more upset by that than having to purchase their own liquor for the rest of the evening. Even a beer and wine open bar would probably annoy them.

The only way for me to not offend the handful of guests that might be upset at the cash bar and the family members who would like to be able to drink liquor is to do a full open bar, which is something I suppose I can budget for. But at that point it seems like I'm doing it more to brag about what a good host I was more than my guests would actually care about it.
No one is going to be "offended" if they have a limited selection of alcohol to choose from.

It's possible someone might be disappointed because they couldn't get the exact top shelf beverage they were hoping for but I've never heard of anyone complaining about free alcohol. Ever. If they did, they are the rude one.

Keep picturing the scenario of you hosting like you would in your home. No one comes over and complains about the bottle of wine you're offering not being expensive enough.

You're going to do what you want, I can only give you my perspective. Regardless of what is common here, I could never charge my guests because it's just not much of a thank you to make them take out their wallets.

annathy03 · June 2013

@ashleyep, I don't think it hurts to go above what your guests expect, so I would try to budget for it. If you haven't chosen a venue yet it may be worth looking around to find ones that have reasonable pricing or allow you to stock the bar. For us it was a non-issue, we were always going to host even before I read up on etiquette here because so many guests are OOT and I'd hate to fly somewhere, pay for a hotel, and still have to buy my own drinks.

SewInLoveWithDMB · June 2013

I am from Northern NJ, just outside of NYC.

I have been to one wedding that had a cash bar - but other than that, it is totally unheard of. (I actually have never been to a dry wedding, but that would be fine as well. Dry, beer and wine, champagne only, well drinks only, signature drinks only or open bar are all fine.)

I'm pretty much horrified by them. Host what you can afford. If you can afford an open bar? Awesome. Can't? Have nothing. Don't make your guests pay cause you won't.

My sister's was in the morning and was beer, wine and champagne, which was totally sufficient. A few others were the same way (with no option to purchase other alcohol.) But, besides the 1 cash bar, every other wedding I have ever attended was open bar.

Havana2014 · June 2013

SewInLoveWithDMB said:

Host what you can afford. If you can afford an open bar? Awesome. Can't? Have nothing. Don't make your guests pay cause you won't.

My sister's was in the morning and was beer, wine and champagne, which was totally sufficient. A few others were the same way (with no option to purchase other alcohol.) But, besides the 1 cash bar, every other wedding I have ever attended was open bar.

What confuses me about the 'host what you can afford' and 'host as if you were throwing a party in your home' ....... If all I can afford to host is wine, and some of my guests prefer beer, what is wrong with them having the option to purchase it if they so wish? If they were coming to my home and knew I was only offering wine, they would probably purchase and bring their own beer. And why wouldn't they? Why is a wedding any different? At my house party say I can only afford to buy 15 bottles of wine. What happens when I run out? Do people expect unlimited drinks to be provided? I'm genuinely curious, not trying to pick.

NYCBruin · June 2013

Havana2014 said:

SewInLoveWithDMB said:

Host what you can afford. If you can afford an open bar? Awesome. Can't? Have nothing. Don't make your guests pay cause you won't.

My sister's was in the morning and was beer, wine and champagne, which was totally sufficient. A few others were the same way (with no option to purchase other alcohol.) But, besides the 1 cash bar, every other wedding I have ever attended was open bar.

What confuses me about the 'host what you can afford' and 'host as if you were throwing a party in your home' ....... If all I can afford to host is wine, and some of my guests prefer beer, what is wrong with them having the option to purchase it if they so wish? If they were coming to my home and knew I was only offering wine, they would probably purchase and bring their own beer. And why wouldn't they? Why is a wedding any different? At my house party say I can only afford to buy 15 bottles of wine. What happens when I run out? Do people expect unlimited drinks to be provided? I'm genuinely curious, not trying to pick.

It's rude for the same reason it would be rude to offer your guests chicken but allow them to purchase a fish or steak dinner if they wished. You host what you can afford. Guests should graciously accept what you offer.

Havana2014 · June 2013

I honestly think this comes down to where you come from- its obviously considered rude by most on here - I can guarantee that it is not considered rude where I'm from. In fact, I would feel rude if I went to a wedding, or a party, and expected the hosts to provide me with alcohol - not least because of the cost of providing alcohol to 100 people for 12 hours. I would never go empty handed to a party and when it's a wedding that means bringing my wallet! An open bar is virtually unheard of, as is a dry wedding.

NYCBruin · June 2013

Havana2014 said:

I honestly think this comes down to where you come from- its obviously considered rude by most on here - I can guarantee that it is not considered rude where I'm from. In fact, I would feel rude if I went to a wedding, or a party, and expected the hosts to provide me with alcohol - not least because of the cost of providing alcohol to 100 people for 12 hours. I would never go empty handed to a party and when it's a wedding that means bringing my wallet! An open bar is virtually unheard of, as is a dry wedding.

To the first bolded, I'm pretty sure you can't know what EVERYONE from where you are from finds rude or not rude. Just because something doesn't personally bother you or is common doesn't mean that it isn't rude. There are plenty of rude things people do every day that don't personally bother me. That doesn't mean they aren't rude.

To the second bolded. Inviting 100 people is a choice you make. As is having a 12 hour wedding, which seems insane to me. How does one have a 12 hour wedding? Do you feed your guests multiple times? I would definitely need at least two meals in a 12 hour period.

HaylaC · June 2013

NYCBruin said:

Havana2014 said:

I honestly think this comes down to where you come from- its obviously considered rude by most on here - I can guarantee that it is not considered rude where I'm from. In fact, I would feel rude if I went to a wedding, or a party, and expected the hosts to provide me with alcohol - not least because of the cost of providing alcohol to 100 people for 12 hours. I would never go empty handed to a party and when it's a wedding that means bringing my wallet! An open bar is virtually unheard of, as is a dry wedding.

To the first bolded, I'm pretty sure you can't know what EVERYONE from where you are from finds rude or not rude. Just because something doesn't personally bother you or is common doesn't mean that it isn't rude. There are plenty of rude things people do every day that don't personally bother me. That doesn't mean they aren't rude.

To the second bolded. Inviting 100 people is a choice you make. As is having a 12 hour wedding, which seems insane to me. How does one have a 12 hour wedding? Do you feed your guests multiple times? I would definitely need at least two meals in a 12 hour period.

European wedding typically run from 2pm to midnight. They usually have appetisers during welcome drinks (cocktail hour) then wedding breakfast, then evening buffet.

Havana2014 · June 2013

NYCBruin said:

Havana2014 said:

I honestly think this comes down to where you come from- its obviously considered rude by most on here - I can guarantee that it is not considered rude where I'm from. In fact, I would feel rude if I went to a wedding, or a party, and expected the hosts to provide me with alcohol - not least because of the cost of providing alcohol to 100 people for 12 hours. I would never go empty handed to a party and when it's a wedding that means bringing my wallet! An open bar is virtually unheard of, as is a dry wedding.

To the first bolded, I'm pretty sure you can't know what EVERYONE from where you are from finds rude or not rude. Just because something doesn't personally bother you or is common doesn't mean that it isn't rude. There are plenty of rude things people do every day that don't personally bother me. That doesn't mean they aren't rude.

To the second bolded. Inviting 100 people is a choice you make. As is having a 12 hour wedding, which seems insane to me. How does one have a 12 hour wedding? Do you feed your guests multiple times? I would definitely need at least two meals in a 12 hour period.

12 hours is short :-) the day runs like this- give or take......

1.30 -ceremony

2.30- arrive at venue, drinks and canapés on arrival

5.30- dinner-usually 4 course sit down meal. Wine served with meal.

8.30- 11pm-live band Cake and tea/coffee usually served at some stage during the band

11pm- 2am-DJ Food is served at maybe 12am - usually hot finger foods chicken wings, fish and chips cones etc)

When the band finishes most people will head to the venues resident bar which is open till the last person leaves. A wedding any shorter would just seem bizarre and rarely done. In relation to your first point - fine, point taken, but the reverse also applies. Not being from where I'm from you can not know whether or not it is considered rude. I'm not saying this in order to justify the choices I've made for my wedding. I am saying it because in my 38 years I have never heard one person say that this type of wedding is rude - every wedding I have ever gone to or have heard about has had a cash bar. Go on to a wedding site from Ireland and you will not find one discussion like this - a cash bar is a given, it's just not a conversation that is had.

12 hour wedding seems bizarre to you- being considered rude for not having an open bar all day and night seems bizarre to me. ETA apologies for lack of spaces/paragraphs- I did put them in my post but it submitted in one great big block! ETA Figured it out!!

lifeonthehill · June 2013

NYCBruin · June 2013

Havana2014 said:

NYCBruin said:

Havana2014 said:

I honestly think this comes down to where you come from- its obviously considered rude by most on here - I can guarantee that it is not considered rude where I'm from. In fact, I would feel rude if I went to a wedding, or a party, and expected the hosts to provide me with alcohol - not least because of the cost of providing alcohol to 100 people for 12 hours. I would never go empty handed to a party and when it's a wedding that means bringing my wallet! An open bar is virtually unheard of, as is a dry wedding.

To the first bolded, I'm pretty sure you can't know what EVERYONE from where you are from finds rude or not rude. Just because something doesn't personally bother you or is common doesn't mean that it isn't rude. There are plenty of rude things people do every day that don't personally bother me. That doesn't mean they aren't rude.

To the second bolded. Inviting 100 people is a choice you make. As is having a 12 hour wedding, which seems insane to me. How does one have a 12 hour wedding? Do you feed your guests multiple times? I would definitely need at least two meals in a 12 hour period.

12 hours is short :-) the day runs like this- give or take......

1.30 -ceremony
2.30- arrive at venue, drinks and canapés on arrival
5.30- dinner-usually 4 course sit down meal. Wine served with meal.
8.30- 11pm-live band Cake and tea/coffee usually served at some stage during the band
11pm- 2am-DJ Food is served at maybe 12am - usually hot finger foods chicken wings, fish and chips cones etc)

When the band finishes most people will head to the venues resident bar which is open till the last person leaves. A wedding any shorter would just seem bizarre and rarely done. In relation to your first point - fine, point taken, but the reverse also applies. Not being from where I'm from you can not know whether or not it is considered rude. I'm not saying this in order to justify the choices I've made for my wedding. I am saying it because in my 38 years I have never heard one person say that this type of wedding is rude - every wedding I have ever gone to or have heard about has had a cash bar. Go on to a wedding site from Ireland and you will not find one discussion like this - a cash bar is a given, it's just not a conversation that is had.

12 hour wedding seems bizarre to you- being considered rude for not having an open bar all day and night seems bizarre to me. ETA apologies for lack of spaces/paragraphs- I did put them in my post but it submitted in one great big block! ETA Figured it out!!

Holy moly! That seems like an exhausting day, it's always interesting to hear about how other cultures do weddings though!

To the bolded, the only thing I would clarify is that an open bar is certainly NOT something I expect at a wedding. I just think anything that is offered should be hosted. Otherwise it feels like you're passing the cost of your party on to guests.

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