How much is too much?

Abs211981 · June 2013

I haven't posted here in forever (been enjoying married life too much!) and didn't know if this is even the place since it's not wedding related. Still, I thought you girls might be able to give me some insight....

Hubs and I have been married a year and half. Before we got married there were some issues with MIL....mainly overbearing (she insisted DH walk *back* into the ceremony after we left as husband and wife at the end and escort her out) and expected us to drop everything to go do stuff with her all the time. But I've overlooked a lot and have been really understanding and we truly do have a good relationship at this point.

But lately I've been feeling a little claustrophobic. We do things with her all the time. We go to church and then lunch with her every Sunday, eat dinner with her pretty much every other Friday, I work with her at her business on Wednesdays (she needed help part time), and DH stops by and sees at work every single day since his office is very close to hers.

I know this sounds crazy, but the important part I need to add in is that DH's sister has some physical disabilities and some pretty sever brain injury issues from a wreck years ago. She requires daily care. DH's parents are divorced and MIL's current husband is beginning to get dementia. We do so much for her and with her because she's basically at the end of her rope and really needs the help and support. Normally I could never do this much together time, but have tried to be more than understanding because of the circumstances. I've learned how to communicate frustrations with MIL to DH without accusing her...that is his mother and my picking fights only makes things worse.

But now MIL has asked if we can all do dinner as a family on Tuesday nights as well. She said this will really help SIL out because she is going to fix the meal and it will give her something to look forward to taking on. But I don't think I can do yet another thing with that part of DH's family. We already do dinner every single Sunday night with his dad's family. My family doesn't live super close, but we do see them maybe once a month as a couple and then I see my family somewhat more often since I work closer to where they live.

It's not that I'm not comfortable standing my ground. There have been times when she's asked what we're doing for dinner and I tell her we're going to have a "date night" at a restaurant in town thinking that will ward off any invitations and she simply asks if we would like to change our plans and come eat with her since she'd like to treat us. I've gotten comfortable saying 'thank you so much for that kind offer, but we really already had plans and want some time just the two of us. maybe next week'. She gets upset, but I've learned to deal.

I guess my question is: how much is too much? I am trying so hard to be understanding, but since I don't have a sibling or family member with disabilities I don't know how much time and understanding I would ask of DH if the situation was reversed.

*I'd also like to point out that we don't even have kids yet. When grandkids get thrown into the mix I'm worried about how much time she will ask of us.

Abs211981 · June 2013

geez that was long. so sorry! just wanted to fit all the info in.

tiny speck · June 2013

Yes your H should be dealing with his mom, and you should be presenting a united front. Personally, though, I think you reached the "too much" point a long time ago. I could never handle that much "family time" --- I get that she needs help and clearly you are a very giving person, but I think you have a right to sit down with your H and re-evaluate how and when you guys spend time with his mom. He needs to be 100% on board with the plan you guys come up with though, and willing to stand up to her.

Abs211981 · June 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

Your hubby should be the one dealing with his mom on this, so the first thing to do is to express to him how you feel overwhelmed by her. Another thing is that sometimes it might be worth it to let your husband go to dinner with his mom/sister/stepdad and you go out with a friend for your sanity.

I've done this before and he's been totally fine going to dinner with them while I either stay at home or grab dinner with a friend. He's always been very understanding thank goodness and has never pushed any of this on me.

I guess it's just that even if I don't go, she still repeatedly asks him to go. So is it okay that my hubby may eat dinner with MIL 4 times a week even though I'm not there? At some point I begin to feel like I'm married to two people (DH and MIL).

But again, the issues with SIL make this different than typical situations like this. Sigh.

krizzo17 · June 2013

Why don't you suggest that SIL can prepare Sunday lunch, instead? That way you'll get to support her new endeavor, but it doesn't need to add another even to your week.

tiny speck · June 2013

Abs211981 said:

alisonmarie658 said:

Your hubby should be the one dealing with his mom on this, so the first thing to do is to express to him how you feel overwhelmed by her. Another thing is that sometimes it might be worth it to let your husband go to dinner with his mom/sister/stepdad and you go out with a friend for your sanity.

I've done this before and he's been totally fine going to dinner with them while I either stay at home or grab dinner with a friend. He's always been very understanding thank goodness and has never pushed any of this on me.

I guess it's just that even if I don't go, she still repeatedly asks him to go. So is it okay that my hubby may eat dinner with MIL 4 times a week even though I'm not there? At some point I begin to feel like I'm married to two people (DH and MIL).

But again, the issues with SIL make this different than typical situations like this. Sigh.

No way; that is not ok. He needs to realize that it's not just that you can't spend so much time with her, it's that you and H are a family unit now and he can't be spending most of his time with his mom and not you. You guys really need to discuss this.

Abs211981 · June 2013

tiny speck said:

Yes your H should be dealing with his mom, and you should be presenting a united front. Personally, though, I think you reached the "too much" point a long time ago. I could never handle that much "family time" --- I get that she needs help and clearly you are a very giving person, but I think you have a right to sit down with your H and re-evaluate how and when you guys spend time with his mom. He needs to be 100% on board with the plan you guys come up with though, and willing to stand up to her.

Trust me, if it weren't for SIL's issues there's no way in hell I'd be able to handle this. But I totally agree that at some point enough is enough and unless we just move in with her there will have to be some more boundaries.

Just new to this and don't know how much together time I'd expect DH to spend with my fam if the roles were reversed and that was my sister that needed so much help ;(

Abs211981 · June 2013

krizzo17 said:

Why don't you suggest that SIL can prepare Sunday lunch, instead? That way you'll get to support her new endeavor, but it doesn't need to add another even to your week.

This would be a perfect idea except Sunday lunch involves that entire side of the family including DH's aunt, uncle, their four children, those four children's spouses and then the kids. There are literally 18 of us that go out to eat every Sunday.

And there's no way SIL could handle fixing that much food.

Love this idea though

just hate it couldn't work

Abs211981 · June 2013

tiny speck said:

Abs211981 said:

alisonmarie658 said:

Your hubby should be the one dealing with his mom on this, so the first thing to do is to express to him how you feel overwhelmed by her. Another thing is that sometimes it might be worth it to let your husband go to dinner with his mom/sister/stepdad and you go out with a friend for your sanity.

I've done this before and he's been totally fine going to dinner with them while I either stay at home or grab dinner with a friend. He's always been very understanding thank goodness and has never pushed any of this on me.

I guess it's just that even if I don't go, she still repeatedly asks him to go. So is it okay that my hubby may eat dinner with MIL 4 times a week even though I'm not there? At some point I begin to feel like I'm married to two people (DH and MIL).

But again, the issues with SIL make this different than typical situations like this. Sigh.

No way; that is not ok. He needs to realize that it's not just that you can't spend so much time with her, it's that you and H are a family unit now and he can't be spending most of his time with his mom and not you. You guys really need to discuss this.

Agreed. I guess that was a rhetorical question since that's definitely not okay with me.

tiny speck · June 2013

Yeah; I just can't stress enough that it really sounds like you and your H need to re-evaluate this situation if it is getting to you. Spending less time with his family doesn't mean you don't care for them; but you have your own lives, you know? Could you maybe offer to help find your MIL someone to help her with all the caretaking she does? I don't know what kinds of resources your community might have, but you might be surprised what help could be available.

Abs211981 · June 2013

tiny speck said:

Yeah; I just can't stress enough that it really sounds like you and your H need to re-evaluate this situation if it is getting to you. Spending less time with his family doesn't mean you don't care for them; but you have your own lives, you know? Could you maybe offer to help find your MIL someone to help her with all the caretaking she does? I don't know what kinds of resources your community might have, but you might be surprised what help could be available.

They already have someone who comes by every weekday to help SIL run errands (she can't drive), do the laundry, dishes, etc. This person even takes her to get groceries and out to eat. She lives by herself, but needs help with most tasks.

It's just that MIL says she feels bad leaving SIL by herself. So she goes by and gets her for dinner every single night. DH thinks MIL does WAY too much and he's very vocal about it with her. But MIL feels sorry for her and always gives in.

tiny speck · June 2013

Ok, that's great then that there is help for her. I guess I don't see how you guys are still spending so much time there then, if your H is against it too. Your MIL can do as much for SIL as she wants I suppose, but that doesn't mean you and H need to be there too. I guess try not to let her guilt trip H into attending all these "family dinners"... maybe if he started following through and staying home with you she would get the message, instead of him just being "very vocal" about how he feels.

Abs211981 · June 2013

tiny speck said:

Ok, that's great then that there is help for her. I guess I don't see how you guys are still spending so much time there then, if your H is against it too. Your MIL can do as much for SIL as she wants I suppose, but that doesn't mean you and H need to be there too. I guess try not to let her guilt trip H into attending all these "family dinners"... maybe if he started following through and staying home with you she would get the message, instead of him just being "very vocal" about how he feels.

Agree with everything you've said. I hadn't brought up how I feel about Tuesday dinners yet with DH because I guess I wanted to get some feedback here. If SIL did not have these issues there would be no way I would have been okay with this.

But again, I don't have a family member with any sort of disability and didn't know what it would be like to be in those shoes. The last thing I want is to see unsupportive. DH is always willing to do anything for me, and I wanted to get some feedback from some neutral parties on this board as to whether such issues with a family member really do warrant so much time.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Your question was "how much is too much?" I think you reaching out for advice and expressing how smothered you're feeling is your answer. What is happening now (without Tuesday dinner) seems to be too much for you. And I don't blame you.

It sounds like you've been more than accommodating in jumping right into the fold of his family, taking on part time work for his mom, attending family functions multiple times a week, etc. Can't SIL just help with making the Sunday meal? She could look forward to that. I would say "no" to Tuesday night in addition to everything else. You're not being insensitive to say "no" to this. You need some alone time with your husband and this cater to that goal. MIL can figure out another way for SIL to contribute that accommodates everyone. IMHO one night per week is PLENTY.

Here's what I would do:

- say no to Tuesday night dinners

- make Friday night date night for you and DH ("sorry we can't do Friday dinner every other week, it's our date night")

- find a job where you work full time and do not have time to work for MIL

- TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND

tiny speck · June 2013

I know you don't want to seem unsupportive, but you cannot be expected to put your life on hold to help these people. Honestly. Everyone needs boundaries. Set them.

harper0813 · June 2013

I understand how this is frustrating for you, OP, and why you don't see a way out - but you are your own obstacle. Your husband sounds like he wants to set limits too, but you are making excuses. We've told you that this has gotten to be too much - spending four days a week with your MIL?! - and that you are justified. Sit down with your husband and decide how much time you want to spend with her. She's doing a lovely job of making you pity her, but don't let it consume your life.

Abs211981 · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Your question was "how much is too much?" I think you reaching out for advice and expressing how smothered you're feeling is your answer. What is happening now (without Tuesday dinner) seems to be too much for you. And I don't blame you.

It sounds like you've been more than accommodating in jumping right into the fold of his family, taking on part time work for his mom, attending family functions multiple times a week, etc. Can't SIL just help with making the Sunday meal? She could look forward to that. I would say "no" to Tuesday night in addition to everything else. You're not being insensitive to say "no" to this. You need some alone time with your husband and this cater to that goal. MIL can figure out another way for SIL to contribute that accommodates everyone. IMHO one night per week is PLENTY.

Here's what I would do:
- say no to Tuesday night dinners
- make Friday night date night for you and DH ("sorry we can't do Friday dinner every other week, it's our date night")
- find a job where you work full time and do not have time to work for MIL
- TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND

love the suggestion of making Friday night date night. That would help squelch any issues in the future even if we don't already have set plans.

I genuinely do enjoy working for MIL. I love the business and I really do enjoy being around her. It's just that family get togethers this often are too much.

Thanks so much for the feedback! This is exactly what i was hoping to get from you girls....honest insight and with ideas I hadn't thought of

Abs211981 · June 2013

zobird said:

I understand how this is frustrating for you, OP, and why you don't see a way out - but you are your own obstacle. Your husband sounds like he wants to set limits too, but you are making excuses. We've told you that this has gotten to be too much - spending four days a week with your MIL?! - and that you are justified. Sit down with your husband and decide how much time you want to spend with her. She's doing a lovely job of making you pity her, but don't let it consume your life.

I hear this all.the.freaking.time from other people but I've always brushed it off as 'well I would totally feel that way if it weren't for SIL's issues'. But yeah, I can see it .....

daisey18 · June 2013

I don't understand from your post if your husband is feeling overwhelmed by all of this family togetherness. Personally, I've always been very close with my family- this amount of time spent with family doesn't seem excessive or even unusually high to me- regardless of sisters disabilities.

If my spouse thought seeing my family 3 times a week was too much, that would crush me. But as far as him eating w/o you goes- that has to stop. I think you should set a clear and generous limit with him- i.e. 2-3 times a week, max, where you both spend time with his family; but he always eats dinner with you. Because it sounds like for now, you're saying, "I don't want to go over tonight, but it's okay if you go.", when that really isn't true- it's not okay for him to leave you home alone just because you want to sit on your own damn couch instead of visiting someone else.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

I agree, you and DH need to set some solid boundaries - and a schedule (even if it's just for the two of you). You need to put you and DH first, and it seems like you and your relationship is sort of taking a backseat to your family (and it's not even your babies!).

I agree with Friday date night, but if SIL is making dinner on Tuesdays, I'd try to work it into the schedule some weeks- I have a brother with autism and it's important to me to help him feel like he's accomplished things (doing x, making y, etc.) I can sort of see myself going through a bit of this in the future.

On your first date night talk about all of this stuff and hash it out. It'll all work once you two are clearly on the same page.

Abs211981 · June 2013

daisey18 said:

I don't understand from your post if your husband is feeling overwhelmed by all of this family togetherness. Personally, I've always been very close with my family- this amount of time spent with family doesn't seem excessive or even unusually high to me- regardless of sisters disabilities.
If my spouse thought seeing my family 3 times a week was too much, that would crush me. But as far as him eating w/o you goes- that has to stop. I think you should set a clear and generous limit with him- i.e. 2-3 times a week, max, where you both spend time with his family; but he always eats dinner with you. Because it sounds like for now, you're saying, "I don't want to go over tonight, but it's okay if you go.", when that really isn't true- it's not okay for him to leave you home alone just because you want to sit on your own damn couch instead of visiting someone else.

If that were the amount we spent with all of our families together that definitely wouldn't be too much. I think family is so important and I'm incredibly grateful I get along so well with all of DH's family

But we're eating 2-3 times/week with only DH's mother right now...that's not even including DH's dad and stepmom or my parents....

Abs211981 · June 2013

s-aries8990 said:

I agree, you and DH need to set some solid boundaries - and a schedule (even if it's just for the two of you). You need to put you and DH first, and it seems like you and your relationship is sort of taking a backseat to your family (and it's not even your babies!).

I agree with Friday date night, but if SIL is making dinner on Tuesdays, I'd try to work it into the schedule some weeks- I have a brother with autism and it's important to me to help him feel like he's accomplished things (doing x, making y, etc.) I can sort of see myself going through a bit of this in the future.

On your first date night talk about all of this stuff and hash it out. It'll all work once you two are clearly on the same page.

This. This is one of the main reasons why I was asking...I'm not in those shoes so I don't have any way of knowing what that's like...how hard it would be and how much support I would expect from my spouse.

I know we'll probably go the first night she cooks dinner, but we will have to set some boundaries so that there is time for just us and also for the other very important members of our family.

krizzo17 · June 2013

Abs211981 said:

krizzo17 said:

Why don't you suggest that SIL can prepare Sunday lunch, instead? That way you'll get to support her new endeavor, but it doesn't need to add another even to your week.

This would be a perfect idea except Sunday lunch involves that entire side of the family including DH's aunt, uncle, their four children, those four children's spouses and then the kids. There are literally 18 of us that go out to eat every Sunday.

And there's no way SIL could handle fixing that much food.

Love this idea though just hate it couldn't work

Ok, then what about doing Sunday OR Tuesday? It seems to me with that many people on Sundays, while people may create a fuss, no one is going to be lonely if you aren't there. Just let her know your personal schedule (meaning the two of you, not just you) has been a little crowded lately, so you're excited to stop by on Tuesday night for dinner but you won't be hanging out with them after church on Sunday. And sometimes it will be good for SIL to just make a meal for 2, so it's less stressfull on her.

NOLAbridealmost · June 2013

As a practical matter, MIL should encourage SIL to make friends who could come over on Tuesdays for dinner. Just because she's disabled following the accident doesn't mean she can't make friends as long as MIL is willing to help foster those relationships (enrolling SIL in fun activities or groups and welcoming SIL's new friends into the home on Tuesdays).

But your FI and his mother have to have a serious talk about boundaries. You two never should have caved on the husband going back down the aisle to get his mother after your wedding. Seriously.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

As a practical matter, MIL should encourage SIL to make friends who could come over on Tuesdays for dinner. Just because she's disabled following the accident doesn't mean she can't make friends as long as MIL is willing to help foster those relationships (enrolling SIL in fun activities or groups and welcoming SIL's new friends into the home on Tuesdays).

But your FI and his mother have to have a serious talk about boundaries. You two never should have caved on the husband going back down the aisle to get his mother after your wedding. Seriously.

I thoroughly agree! It's super important to have friends outside of family!

Abs211981 said:

s-aries8990 said:

I agree, you and DH need to set some solid boundaries - and a schedule (even if it's just for the two of you). You need to put you and DH first, and it seems like you and your relationship is sort of taking a backseat to your family (and it's not even your babies!).

I agree with Friday date night, but if SIL is making dinner on Tuesdays, I'd try to work it into the schedule some weeks- I have a brother with autism and it's important to me to help him feel like he's accomplished things (doing x, making y, etc.) I can sort of see myself going through a bit of this in the future.

On your first date night talk about all of this stuff and hash it out. It'll all work once you two are clearly on the same page.

This. This is one of the main reasons why I was asking...I'm not in those shoes so I don't have any way of knowing what that's like...how hard it would be and how much support I would expect from my spouse.

I know we'll probably go the first night she cooks dinner, but we will have to set some boundaries so that there is time for just us and also for the other very important members of our family.

BF and I are planning on moving in together in a few months and I've already told him to expect my brother to stay over 1 or 2 weekends a month because I know my brother will need it. He knows that if/when we get married and my mother passes (probably in like a few decades, but I'm prepping him early!) he'll end up living with us in an in-law apartment. I know what's in store and I'm trying to let him know how it's going to end up being.

It's important to have some balance, and right now you don't. Budget some time during the month, but don't go over your budget, if you know what I mean.

KDM323 · June 2013

Ugh. Sounds like a blend of survivors guilt and bad boundaries from the descriptions here.

Is there anywhere in your area where SIL can go to socialize and make friends? Any support groups for individuals living with the type of injuries she has? If there is...that would be a great direction to push your MIL and your SIL...perhaps get them involved with that group.

I'd also suggest that you and your husband find a new 'hobby' that does not involve your mother in law. Maybe go on Meetup.com and find a group that meets that does something that both you and your husband are interested in. Even if you don't attend every single meeting...you can declare that group meeting night as a night reserved for "our ballroom dancing club" (or whatever group) and so therefore buy yourselves some more free time.

Abs211981 · June 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

As a practical matter, MIL should encourage SIL to make friends who could come over on Tuesdays for dinner. Just because she's disabled following the accident doesn't mean she can't make friends as long as MIL is willing to help foster those relationships (enrolling SIL in fun activities or groups and welcoming SIL's new friends into the home on Tuesdays).

But your FI and his mother have to have a serious talk about boundaries. You two never should have caved on the husband going back down the aisle to get his mother after your wedding. Seriously.

Well there's a HUGE problem with this wonderful suggestion...she was a terror before the wreck and now that she's got a brain injury there's little to no hope of working on her personality/people skills. She's hit people in public before and I witness her cuss MIL, DH and FIL out on a regular basis. But then she has no memory of it. It's not that the wreck made her that way, but after the wreck and the injuries sustained it's virtually impossible for her to cognitively process that she's being a huge bitch.

Because of that, friends for her are out of the option unfortunately. The only people who will agree to hang around her anymore are family members.

And with regards to the walking back down the aisle for her, I know

That was my fault because she brought that up from day one that her day would be ruined if this didn't happen. I didn't say anything at the time because honestly I didn't think much of it. I had seen this done a time or two in DH's home town and was really focusing on other aspects of the wedding to pick a fight about this. A week before the wedding it hit me how wrong this was and how hurtful it was going to be, but at that point it was way too late. I should have spoken up earlier and definitely learned my lesson with that

Abs211981 · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

You said you eat with her basically every other Friday, right? Why not compromise by having FSIL cook the next Friday meal, but DON'T commit to a weekly thing.

I'm worried that your H doesn't seem to have an issue with all of this. Believe me, I get the whole 'spending too much time taking care of family" thing because FIL is basically an invalid who lives by himself. But even though we spend more time dealing with his stuff than we like, I've never reached the point where I have had to "deal with" this issue because H puts his foot down before that happens.

Unfortunately there are so many other invitations that get declined by DH that I didn't even bother mentioning in here because it would be a freaking novel. He already says no a lot, and we still have this much left over after that.

But I totally get what you mean....I think a long sit down is in store...

Abs211981 · June 2013

s-aries8990 said:

NOLAbridealmost said:

As a practical matter, MIL should encourage SIL to make friends who could come over on Tuesdays for dinner. Just because she's disabled following the accident doesn't mean she can't make friends as long as MIL is willing to help foster those relationships (enrolling SIL in fun activities or groups and welcoming SIL's new friends into the home on Tuesdays).

But your FI and his mother have to have a serious talk about boundaries. You two never should have caved on the husband going back down the aisle to get his mother after your wedding. Seriously.

I thoroughly agree! It's super important to have friends outside of family!

Abs211981 said:

s-aries8990 said:

I agree, you and DH need to set some solid boundaries - and a schedule (even if it's just for the two of you). You need to put you and DH first, and it seems like you and your relationship is sort of taking a backseat to your family (and it's not even your babies!).

I agree with Friday date night, but if SIL is making dinner on Tuesdays, I'd try to work it into the schedule some weeks- I have a brother with autism and it's important to me to help him feel like he's accomplished things (doing x, making y, etc.) I can sort of see myself going through a bit of this in the future.

On your first date night talk about all of this stuff and hash it out. It'll all work once you two are clearly on the same page.

This. This is one of the main reasons why I was asking...I'm not in those shoes so I don't have any way of knowing what that's like...how hard it would be and how much support I would expect from my spouse.

I know we'll probably go the first night she cooks dinner, but we will have to set some boundaries so that there is time for just us and also for the other very important members of our family.

BF and I are planning on moving in together in a few months and I've already told him to expect my brother to stay over 1 or 2 weekends a month because I know my brother will need it. He knows that if/when we get married and my mother passes (probably in like a few decades, but I'm prepping him early!) he'll end up living with us in an in-law apartment. I know what's in store and I'm trying to let him know how it's going to end up being.

It's important to have some balance, and right now you don't. Budget some time during the month, but don't go over your budget, if you know what I mean.

The best thing about all of this is that DH was super up front with me about SIL and her issues. When his parents are out of town and he is in charge of her she actually does really, really well because he holds are accountable. But when MIL is in charge she just feels sorry for her and lets SIL run all over her. DH points this out to MIL all the flippin time, but MIL always caves to SIL.

It's how MIL handles SIL that is the problem. But no one can change that but her.

And yes to budgeting time

s-aries8990 · June 2013

Abs211981 said:
The best thing about all of this is that DH was super up front with me about SIL and her issues. When his parents are out of town and he is in charge of her she actually does really, really well because he holds are accountable. But when MIL is in charge she just feels sorry for her and lets SIL run all over her. DH points this out to MIL all the flippin time, but MIL always caves to SIL.

It's how MIL handles SIL that is the problem. But no one can change that but her.

And yes to budgeting time

Someone REALLY get it through MIL's head that everyone should be held accountable to the level they can be, even people with special needs. It helps them to become more productive members of society and have more self worth and independence. (for the most part) People in these circumstances don't want to be pitied, they want to be normal and she's doing them both a great disservice.

And from experience, if you limit the time you spend with some people, you end up enjoying their company more!

NOLAbridealmost · June 2013

I'm sorry to hear that SIL hasn't been able to maintain friendships. I didn't realize that she had personality issues in addition to whatever brain injuries she sustained in the accident. =/

All of the issues with boundaries notwithstanding, I am not sure why your MIL insists on any sort of arrangement where you do something "every whatever-day." Where's the variety in that?! I would never commit to doing something--other than a structured activity--every Friday, every Sunday, etc. Maybe it would take some of the pressure off if you guys just decide when to see her on a case-by-case and invitation-by-invitation basis?

How much is too much?

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