How much is too much?

Abs211981 · June 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

I'm sorry to hear that SIL hasn't been able to maintain friendships. I didn't realize that she had personality issues in addition to whatever brain injuries she sustained in the accident. =/

All of the issues with boundaries notwithstanding, I am not sure why your MIL insists on any sort of arrangement where you do something "every whatever-day." Where's the variety in that?! I would never commit to doing something--other than a structured activity--every Friday, every Sunday, etc. Maybe it would take some of the pressure off if you guys just decide when to see her on a case-by-case and invitation-by-invitation basis?

We may try to do that instead. The sticky part is that they've eaten lunch together every single Sunday for lunch for years and years. And when someone doesn't show up everyone else is like "Why couldn't so and so come?". Sigh. I guess you have to start pushing back at some point and I'd rather do it before we have kids.

Hey, it could be worse. Right after DH and I started dating and his grandmom was still alive the entire side of the fam was expected to all go out together for Saturday lunch *in addition* to Sunday lunches. Yikes!

OjitosVerdes · June 2013

I'm really sorry you're in this situation - I think you know that it has been "too much" for a long time, and you came her for validation. Well let me validate you along with everyone else and the great advice you've been given - there are major boundary issues here. I would suggest reading the book "Toxic Inlaws:Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage". http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-In-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853

The title sounds awful, but it is a fantastic book filled with practical advice on how to set healthy boundaries with family. It details four typical types of "toxic" inlaws, and from what you've described, yours are a mix of "engulfers" (they make ridiculous demands on your time) and "controllers". Best of luck to you.

kryan32 · June 2013

Abs - the "every Sunday with 18 family members" gig? I would do that every other Sunday and have SIL cook for the 4 of you on the other Sundays... The extended family doesn't need to see you guys every week, and you don't need to add any add'l family time into your schedule.

twotimemob · June 2013

My husband and I were in a similar boat - 30 years ago! It was my parents demanding every Sunday dinner with the entire family (certainly not as often as OP's family demands). My husband was getting more and more resentful, so it was either I had to speak up with my parents or have serious trouble with my husband. It was REALLY HARD to say, sorry mom and dad, can't make it this Sunday. And saying it the following Sunday and the one after that. Eventually we broke the pattern, and visiting an occasional Sunday was much more enjoyable than having to be there every weekend when we really didn't want to.

You can do it, and you don't need to make up an excuse, just say "can't make it". Good luck!

Abs211981 · June 2013

twotimemob said:

My husband and I were in a similar boat - 30 years ago! It was my parents demanding every Sunday dinner with the entire family (certainly not as often as OP's family demands). My husband was getting more and more resentful, so it was either I had to speak up with my parents or have serious trouble with my husband. It was REALLY HARD to say, sorry mom and dad, can't make it this Sunday. And saying it the following Sunday and the one after that. Eventually we broke the pattern, and visiting an occasional Sunday was much more enjoyable than having to be there every weekend when we really didn't want to.

You can do it, and you don't need to make up an excuse, just say "can't make it". Good luck!

This. I'm beginning to feel resentful but just wanted to throw this scenario out there to you guys to get some feedback.

I think sometimes when you're in the earlier stages of your marriage you don't know quite yet what is normal or acceptable. I know those two things mean very different things to every person, but I just wasn't sure if in this case I was overreacting.

Thanks

Summer2011Bride · June 2013

So your H is also on board that he does not want a weekly commitment, correct? Then I think he needs to be the one to talk about this with his mom and present a united front. I would not commit to anything weekly. Definitely not. If you want to keep going to Sunday dinners, fine. That, to me, is enough. I know my mom would never expect her grown, married daughter to eat dinner with her 3-4 times a week. MIL needs to understand that her son has a wife now and you should be his first priority.

That doesn't mean he turns his back on her, obviously, but he now shares his time with you, and I think dinner every Sunday plus maybe the occasional dinner invitation during the week is more than fair. He just needs to stand firm and put his foot down on declining the Tuesday invitation.

WildMagelet · June 2013

Alternatively, could SIL maybe make desserts on Sundays for after Lunch if MIL wants her to have a structured contribution every week?

Jen4948 · June 2013

In keeping with suggestions of budgeting your time, can you sit down with your husband, come up with a weekly schedule of time that works for you both to spend time with his mother and SIL individually and jointly, and then he presents it to his mother saying, "Mom, this is how much time Abs211981 and I can make available to you during the week. Emergencies notwithstanding (he defines emergencies), we are not to be asked for more time. This is a closed subject."

Storm29 · June 2013

Honestly (and I can only go off what you've written), it sounds like SIL has more than enough company and care. I really think that you should at least consider the possibility that your MIL knows exactly how to push yours and your DH's "guilt buttons", and is doing it on purpose to keep you exactly where she wants you... at her beck and call.

Again, I can only go off of what you've written, but there seems to be little to no acknowledgment by your MIL (or maybe even your DH), that you and he are the family unit now... MIL, SIL and everyone else is the extended family. In other words, DH should consider it laughable to spend more quality time with his mother than his wife... but it seems like that may be happening.

Definitely read "Toxic Inlaws" (suggested above) and "When He's Married to Mom". Maybe that's not your situation at all...but there's no harm in checking it out.

I applaud your commitment to doing the right thing by your husband's disabled sister, but please don't allow that to blind you to the (likely, from what I see) possibility of a very controlling or malicious motive from your MIL.

How much is too much?

Re: How much is too much?

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