The timing of the day

pbi9994 · June 2013

Hi all,

I'm having trouble with the timing of it all. The place we want to get married will only allow weddings in the morning, the last one ending at 1:00pm. Even if we are super lucky, and get that last appointment, we have quite a gap in festivities. The reception hall wants us to start at 6:00 PM, and I'm sure if I ask them nicely, I can get a cocktail hour as early as 4:00, but that still leaves quite a large gap.

Has anyone ever been to a wedding with downtime between wedding and reception? Is there anything I should do for my guests to make it better? The appeal for us and our wedding party is obvious - more relaxed time for pictures, a few moments to gather ourselves before the real party begins, hell maybe even a lunch or some gelato to tide us over... but for the rest of the guests, I'm guessing it would be a hassle. Thoughts?

Julyet06 · June 2013

That's a toughie. I am no help, but will post if I think of something!

KateH2013 · June 2013

Hmm. This seems tough. Where are you having your wedding? Are the two venues close together? A wedding I was invited to had a similar situation, but just a much shorter gap (maybe 2 hours). They filled the gap with a museum tour for guests to take (optional) while wedding photos were taken before heading to the cocktail hour. For those that didn't want to do that they had a list of things they could do nearby to kill some time.

I think, though, I'd suggest finding either a venue that would let you in earlier, or find a ceremony location that can accommodate a later time.

Meg&Austin · June 2013

That happened to me as a guest at a wedding once and it was nice because I was able to go to my hotel room in between and freshen up and find my way to the wedding. Are your venues close together and or are people staying close to them?!

pbi9994 · June 2013

Thanks, you guys! We're getting married in Florence. All civil ceremonies take place in the Palazzo Vecchio. Maybe I can organize a tour for right after the ceremony! People can also choose to go back to the hotel (super close by), or go to lunch, and then we will have the bus pick them up and bring them to the reception site around 3:30. (It's half an hour to the site)

We found the most beautiful venue, within our price range, amazing food, and amazing reviews. They just don't like daytime receptions because they lose daytime tourist money.

The tricky thing is that it ends up being a gap right around lunchtime, and then even if we get people to the cocktail hour by 4, and dinner at 5:30, that's a long day, and either a very long, or a very short time in between meals.

As a guest, would you prefer a gap in the middle followed by an amazing venue, or would you prefer a venue that allowed for a lunch reception, but didn't totally fit the bill?

Is it totally tacky to ask a relative who wouldn't be involved in pictures to host a light lunch in between that we would pay for back at the hotel?

TerriHugg · June 2013

Well personally, I'd just be happy I was invited even with the gap though it might be frustrating.

I guess if I could choose, I would pick the venue that allowed for a lunch reception that didn't fit the bill. I get tired for quickly and easily so it might be frustrating to attend that took up almost an entire day.

Good luck with your decision.

mariakhristine · June 2013

I think I also would do the lunch reception. But, I also have been to weddings with down time (though usually not more than 2 hours). I think that if there are places to go or things to do (ie, a city/downtown area), people will be fine with it. I've had a great time during the period between ceremony and reception; usually, we've just gone out to a bar or restaurant, or back to the hotel to rest or freshen up.

As for having the relative not in photos hosting the lunch, I think that would be fine if you're close to the person and he/she knows most of your wedding guests.

Also, is there an outdoor area or someplace where you can do a longer version of a receiving line, after the ceremony? Or maybe have some kind of photo opp with all the guests and do something symbolic (similar to the Chinese lantern lightings, or putting notes in balloons and releasing them, etc)? That might take up some time too, and if you combine that with your relative's hosted lunch, then the gap might not be bad.

pbi9994 · June 2013

Thank you all so much. I've been talking to the planner, and because I want to close that gap, she has suggested doing a symbolic ceremony because Italian laws are weird. It's kind of a bummer to do it that way, but I have to give up something, and it won't be the comfort of my guests.

So, new conundrum: would anyone care if they were invited to a wedding, and then found out it was only symbolic, and that the couple legally got married at city hall with no fanfare a few days before?

lisabeats · June 2013

icecreamcono said:

Thank you all so much. I've been talking to the planner, and because I want to close that gap, she has suggested doing a symbolic ceremony because Italian laws are weird. It's kind of a bummer to do it that way, but I have to give up something, and it won't be the comfort of my guests.

So, new conundrum: would anyone care if they were invited to a wedding, and then found out it was only symbolic, and that the couple legally got married at city hall with no fanfare a few days before?

@icecreamcono Yes, I would definitely be bothered by the latter. My favorite part of weddings is definitely the actual wedding, and not any of the "fanfare." I would be disappointed to actually witness when my friends or family dedicated themselves to each other. About a billion times more, I would hate this if I was only finding out about it that day, fully expecting to witness the actual wedding.

pbi9994 · June 2013

OK, I totally get the thing about being upfront with guests about it, and we certainly will be, but really? The legal part is basically the signing of documents. Doesn't the symbolic ceremony mean a lot more? That's where we will actually be saying our vows and dedicating ourselves to one another. I'm really asking. The last thing I want to do is bother my guests.

TerriHugg · June 2013

Hi there,

@icecreamcono

I know etiquette gods will kill me for this, but I think you need to just think about what your guests will think. Some people will mind missing the official ceremony and only be there for the symbolic one and others won't care at all.

I personally don't care because weddings and marriage means different things to different people. For example, you some people can say their vows to each other but feel like it is a real marriage unless it is recognized by what ever religion they follow. Others, feel as though they can go through everything in a church, but they won't be married until they sign the documents. There are those who feel like all three need to be present until they consider themselves marriage. I am not place to judge and don't care how you choose to join with your loved one. But depending on who you ask, it having a symbolic ceremony is misleading, dishonest, and insensitive to those who cannot have a wedding such as gays, etc. (As a matter of fact, head over to the etiquette board and you'll find a bunch of people hated on for suggesting a symbolic ceremony.)

Sorry I'm of no help with this... but really you know your guests better than anyone else. See if you can make a decision based on that.

TerriHugg · June 2013

It's a different situation, but here's a link to a post on the etiquette forum discussing symbolic ceremonies...

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/982223/private-ceremony-and-then-symbolic-ceremony-with-family-friends#latest

Good luck!

Julyet06 · June 2013

I don't see anything wrong with doing a symbolic wedding after having the legal part performed at the courts. If you and your husband don't mind having it done that way and it makes things easier for you (and your guests, for not having that long gap in between ceremony and reception) go for it and try not to let any naysayers get to you!

You don't have to go and advertise to your guests what was done...they are there to celebrate your union and most brides consider their union (the official wedding day) as the day of the ceremony, not they day the court stamped some paperwork.

pbi9994 · June 2013

Oh man, @Terrihugg I feel so bad for that poor bride who is getting lashed out at in that thread! I had no idea (sounds like she didn't either) that this was such a hot button issue, or an issue at all! Thank you for bringing it to my attention!

It almost makes me want to do a catholic wedding, but the fact is that would be a much bigger lie than a symbolic ceremony, because neither of us are religious. I feel like it's way more respectful to our guests to vow to each other in the only way that means anything to us than essentially lying in front of God. And since we can't really do the civil ceremony either, I think illegal outdoor wedding it is, and if they don't like it, they don't have to be there.

Thanks @Julyet06, I think what you said has to apply to all aspects of our wedding, especially because we are also getting some flack for having a DW, which is bound to happen. My plan is just to be open and honest with them before they book flights to a wedding they might consider fake.

TerriHugg · June 2013

I totally second @julyet06 with that. Sometimes you just need to ignore everyone and do what makes you happy. It doesn't matter if the ceremony is "fake" as long as the love is real.

Julyet06 · June 2013

I don't see a "symbolic" ceremony as fake at all, I just don't understand why all the opposition. I mean, with that logic I wonder what people have to say about having a wedding ceremony after the couple has already been living together.

All in all, lots of luck in whatever you decide! No matter what we decide for our wedding days, it is supposed to be a day full of love and support and anyone who has a DW knows, the people that choose to be there are filled with nothing but positive thoughts for the couple on their new journey as husband and wife.

Julyet06 · June 2013

The wedding ceremony itself isn't what gives a married couple the benefits. Therefore that "pesky" legal part doesn't need any lavish ceremony.

My comment was merely about people's perception.

pbi9994 · June 2013

Honestly, I think my guests would prefer to be there for the party anyway, and that's the one that comes after the symbolic ceremony, since the legal one would be too much of a hassle to get them the party they so rightly deserve. But I'll be sure to ask them what they think.

QueerFemme · June 2013

icecreamcono said:

Honestly, I think my guests would prefer to be there for the party anyway, and that's the one that comes after the symbolic ceremony, since the legal one would be too much of a hassle to get them the party they so rightly deserve. But I'll be sure to ask them what they think.

People don't come for the party. The party is the thank you that you throw for them attending the "legal" part. The legal part is what matters.

A symbolic ceremony is a fake wedding, and serves basically zero purpose, other than giving your guests some theatrics to watch before you feed them. Asking your guests to travel to Italy to watch a fake wedding is rude and is against etiquette.

In your gut, you must realize at some level that your guests would be bothered by this, or you wouldn't have asked the question about "would you be bothered if you found out...."

pbi9994 · June 2013

You know, at the end of the day it doesn't matter. Thank you for your input. I'm going to do it my way, and my friends and family will either attend or not. That's fine. If you want to continue to argue your feelings, go ahead I guess. It's your time. Only you know how valuable it is.

QueerFemme · July 2013

icecreamcono said:

You know, at the end of the day it doesn't matter. Thank you for your input. I'm going to do it my way, and my friends and family will either attend or not. That's fine. If you want to continue to argue your feelings, go ahead I guess. It's your time. Only you know how valuable it is.

I would suggest you head over to WeddingBee. They are great about blowing smoke up people's butts when they have really horrible ideas that are super rude to friends and family. They are very much a "BUT IT'S MY DAY!!!" crowd. You'll fit right in.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

The timing of the day

Re: The timing of the day

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