The whole thread:
http://pandce.proboards.com/thread/193706/ae-alert-set-straight-longHighlights:
OP:
Hi,
people. I am a reg who is super uncomfortable doing this, but I don't
want any of this linked with my regular screenname. I trust this board's
judgment and am ready to hear unvarnished opinions on my situation.
Forgive me if this is disorganized.
DH and I have been married
for over five years. We have a toddler and live in a HCOL area. He works
in one of the best companies in his field, and, as such, works long
hours and makes good money. His hours used to be much worse early in our
marriage, but since our kid was born, more reasonable--probably
60-70ish hours a week (I know, that's still a lot, but better than
90-100). I'm a high school teacher.
Overview: Basically, I've
been feeling more and more resentful of H for doing jack shit in terms
of childcare and/or housework ever since our kid was born. He'd never
done anything around the house before, but that wasn't so bad before
kid. We do have a cleaning lady 2x month, so I'm talking about tasks
like dealing with laundry, making sure the kitchen isn't disgusting,
putting dishes in the dishwasher, washing his expensive glassware that
only he uses, replacing toiletries if they run out instead of blaming me
for not doing it, grocery shopping, etc. He often eats dinner at the
office, so I don't worry about dinner for him. In addition to all this, I
do 95% of the childcare.
I'm going to bullet my detailed points for clarity.
-We
originally set up our arrangement to be that he would drop her off at
daycare in the morning so I could get to work on time, but it became
clear that he couldn't get his shit together in the mornings
consistently enough to drop her off before the morning cutoff. When
daycare complained about this both personally and in writing, he blamed
daycare for not accommodating him as a paying customer instead of
realizing that he should get up earlier. He said that his schedule is
such that he can't commit, but that's only true if he starts the process
too late in the morning, when the emails start coming through and he
gets bogged down. I ended up switching us to a daycare closer to our
house rather than his work and arranging with my boss to come in late.
-He
gets home late most nights, so doesn't see kid before she goes to bed.
Fine, and totally understandable. However, on the weekends, he still
sleeps in to whenever he wants (I NEVER get to sleep in. Ever.) and,
when he wakes up, spends time futzing around on the computer, reading a
book in bed, or sometimes working. He's pleasant to kid when kid comes
around to him, but seriously does not consider getting off of his butt
and playing with kid, taking kid to the park--we're both home, but I'm
clearly on duty. Also, doesn't do bedtime on weekends. The last time he
gave her a bath was when she was one week old.
-As a
side note, kid absolutely flips his shit if she thinks I'm going to
leave him with his dad or if dad tries to calm him down when we're out
together with other people. While I know that most kids go through a
"mom only" phase, it's like I'm handing him to a goddamn stranger. When I
see this,(I realize I may be overstepping with my interpretation of
this l, here, but it's dramatic.) When kid was tiny, he would barely
even pick him up voluntarily for the first six weeks of his life, and
then yell at me when I took him to task about it about how he was
perfectly willing to sit with him, but refused to acquiesce to her
demands to be held all the time. Fucking horrible, but I was PP and sort
of shellshocked by it. Now, he really likes him, but still, see above.
-when
we're with friends (usually his friends or our mutual friends), I'm
usually the one chasing the kid around because he says that he gets to
spend that time relaxing with his friends/family. To be fair, if we're
with my father at dinner or something, he'll often take him outside if
he's melting down.
-he spends about seven weekends a year away
(and assorted Saturday or Sunday afternoons) at events for a hobby he
picked up during my pregnancy, probably as a way to deal with impending
fatherhood, that he's become obsessed with and that I have less than
zero interest in. He's tempered himself a bit on the hobby front, but
only because I was becoming visibly furious (as in, impacting my life
directly) and he realized he was being ridiculous. The time away doesn't
bother me so much anymore, because it's not like he'd be helping out if
he were at home.
-when I've brought this to his attention, he
says that we agreed I'd do the bulk of the childcare when we got married
because of his work schedule and "overall hours worked between the two
of us". Yes, the bulk, but I seriously do 95% (at least, that's my
perception). He treats every time I ask for his help in watching kid as a
favor I need to repay, and not something that he is expected to do as a
dad.
Anyway, I ask you--am I insane? Am I spoiled for wanting
him to agree to take on more and be responsible? I know I haven't
included absolutely everything for context, but feel free to ask and I
will add.
A responder:
I have a BIL who was like this. He said that if they were to have
children his life wasn't going to change. And mostly it didn't. My
sister did everything for the kids and he was pretty much useless. They
had a large in-ground pool and I was over one weekend. I was going to
go to the bathroom but my sister had gone in the house. And I realized I
could not leave the kids by the pool with their father. It was bad.
Does
your husband make a lot of money at least? My BIL makes it like he's
printing it. If so, hire help. I think you should follow everyone's
advice and try to fix this. But if he won't change, and you want to
remain married. Hire help. Have the cleaning lady come weekly and add
in (at least) the baby's laundry. Get a regular sitter who will come
and watch the kids or help while you are home. I don't think this is
the best solution, but it's how my sister and her husband made it
through. It was rough, but the kids are in HS now and they are all very
happy. And as the kids got older he got closer and closer to them.
A different responder:
We're married to the same man.
DH got home at 8 last night,
14 hours after he left. He saw the kids for maybe 30 minutes and then
proceeded to work in the bedroom til midnight. I can't fall asleep in a
lit up room, even with a hand towel over my eyes so I fell asleep with
my daughter in her bed. He's working 7 days this week, we won't even
see him on the 4th of July. When he is home, and has a break, he NEVER
cleans up. He only ads to the mess, I feel like my job is raising the
kids, and constantly following behind everyone with a broom. I'm
constantly cleaning up after everyone all the fucking time and I'm sick
of it. He's very good to point out about how
his paycheck pays
for this or that, and seems to forget that I also work full time and
then come home to play mom (which I don't get paid for).