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mrsbizzz · June 2013

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

If this went down I would have a moment of boiling on the inside and smiling on the outside. Then I would realize that everyone was probably thinking the same thing I was thinking. "I'm happy for them... But what an asshole! THIS was the best time? Really?"

What I'm saying is that I would think that as a bride and I would DEFINITELY think the same thing as a guest. I think you have a good attitude to prepare for it. If it happens, you roll with it.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

You cannot under any circumstances dictate when the proposes, in reference to you saying that they can't get engaged the few weeks before your wedding. If your wedding isn't until May, this is a total non-issue.

As for during the reception, if he makes comments, say that it would not be your preference. As the girl getting proposed to, I wouldn't want that either. Looks like it's desperate for attention to me.

OliveOilsMom · June 2013

I actually witnessed a proposal at someone's wedding and the bride was right there. She was genuinely happy for her friend (who was a BM, I think.) The group had stepped away from the cocktail hour area and closer to the bar where my friends and I were. So I really think that the guy got permission from the B&G first. The bride was the first to congratulate her friend. My friends and I all turned around and said "who get's engaged at a wedding?" I think your FI and parents need to tell the bf that you would not appreciate the proposal during your wedding, but you cannot ask him to not propose until after the wedding. He does have a right to ask FSIL to marry him when he feels the moment is right. I just hope it is not during your reception. Make sure you tell the DJ to not give him the mic! But if it happens, just smile and congratulate the couple.

AddieCake · June 2013

I agree with SouthernBelle. I'd be seething on the inside and smiling on the outside so I wouldn't look like a bitch. And I agree many guests would be side-eyeing the timing choice as well.

NYCBruin · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

If this went down I would have a moment of boiling on the inside and smiling on the outside. Then I would realize that everyone was probably thinking the same thing I was thinking. "I'm happy for them... But what an asshole! THIS was the best time? Really?" What I'm saying is that I would think that as a bride and I would DEFINITELY think the same thing as a guest. I think you have a good attitude to prepare for it. If it happens, you roll with it.

I agree with all of this. There really isn't anything you can do to stop it, so having a good attitude about it and mentally preparing is great idea.

If he makes a joke about it again, FI could joke back about how his sister would hate that or something. Or you could casually bring up how much you enjoyed having some time alone with FI right after you got engaged (if that's true).

That said, while I think mentally preparing is a good idea, I wouldn't dwell on this two much. Your wedding is still almost a year away, so there's a good chance that BF's proposal plans may change.

wittykitty14 · June 2013

I would side-eye anyone who does this. If it happened at my own wedding, I would be genuinely happy for the couple. On the inside though, I'd be like "Ummm, what the hell?". But I'd smile and be happy. I might get annoyed on the inside, but it's nothing something that's going to ruin my day.

teacherjodee · June 2013

My ex-SIL decided to announce her pregnancy at our morning after breakfast with all of our OOT guests.

I know she wanted to take the opportunity since her family was gathered in one place. She was quick to remind me that she wanted to wait until after the wedding to avoid stealing my thunder.

However, I kind of feel like she was stealing the spotlight. We were still engaged in wedding related events and I felt like she stepped on my toes. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

mrsbizzz · June 2013

misssunshine17 - I don't care if he does it immediately before or after the wedding, I just don't want it done on the day.

harper0813 · June 2013

If I were the girl being proposed to, I would be MORTIFIED if my boyfriend proposed to me at a wedding. I would seriously tell him to get off his feet and ask me at a more appropriate time.

But I don't think there's a tactful way to convey to him that this is a bad idea. Let it happen, smile, and move on.

kking1982 · June 2013

I am sorry, but if I am paying to host a party to celebrate my wedding, I would be pissed. If I understand correctly the boyfriend wants to take advantage of the event you have spent all the time and money putting together to celebrate your wedding because all of her family will be there? If he wants her family to be in attendance he needs to put in the leg work getting everyone together. Not take advantage of your hard work.

Of course having a sense of decorum, you would have to maintain a smile in public if this happened, but there is absolutely no way anyone can justify to be this behavior being OK. I would give it some time. Wait until a couple of weeks before your wedding. He may find a time to propose to her before then. if that happens you have nothing to worry about. If it is a couple of weeks beforehand and he is still "joking" about it I would politely, but very sternly, make it clear this is not something you would be happy with happening at your reception.

southernredandwhite85 · June 2013

I don't know if asking the father's hand in marriage is still what people do in your area/circle, but it is in mine. If FSIL's boyfriend asked FI's father for her hand in marriage & he knew the boyfriend was making reference to proposing at our wedding, FI's father would urge him to avoid that day. That's how I envision my family/FI's family dealing with it, but everyone is different.

Jen4948 · June 2013

@coopergirl15, the problem is that it's being joked about. It really isn't funny to have someone cracking jokes that they're going to do something inappropriate at one's wedding-whether the actual thing has happened or not.

When one is putting together a major event that takes a lot of time, effort, and presumably money, that is supposed to be a once in a lifetime event, it really does make a difference when someone decides to make jokes about doing something inappropriate at it, because the jokes are at one's own expense.

vineheart137 · June 2013

If he brings it up again, you should casually bring up a story of somebody proposing at somebody else's wedding and then make a comment like "Man, I would have HATED to be that bride!" I agree that FI shouldn't outright tell him not to do it, but as long as he's making hints that he WILL do it, you can hint right back that it wouldn't really be appropriate.

Summer2011Bride · June 2013

Sure, he can propose whenever he wants to, but he will look like an ass if he proposes at someone else's wedding.

As the bride or groom, I would not probably say anything to him. But if I was a friend of his, I would definitely give my opinion if he brought this up to me. If he told me he was planning on proposing at someone else's wedding, I would let him know that is not a good idea and he probably should re-think it. I would have zero qualms about telling this to a good friend and being straight with him. I would feel kind of funny if it was MY wedding and he brought it up to me. I wouldn't want to come across as being a "bridezilla" or dictating what he does, so in that case, I might not say anything.

Honestly, if he does, he does. Perhaps another friend or family member will talk sense into him if he is serious about this. But it is still a long way away and his plans might change. If, worst case scenario, he still does this, it reflects poorly on him and your guests will be side-eyeing the crap out of it.

AllyIdo · June 2013

If it was me, next time he made the joke I'd say, "You'd better be kidding" and let him infer what he wants to from that.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Or direct your FSIL to this thread so she can see how utterly tacky and embarrassing that would be and maybe she'll beg him not to...

tinambride · June 2013

Honestly, if he's joking about it I doubt he's seriously considering it. I also don't think most guys plan these things a year out, but I guess you never know. I'd laugh with him and make sure he knows you see this as a JOKE and nothing more. Maybe he'll get the hint that this shouldn't be serious (for both your sake and his girlfriends).

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

Lobster1987 said:

I'm really blunt, so I would just straight up tell him next time he jokes about it that it would royally piss me off if he proposed to his girlfriend at my wedding.

Yep, me too and then leave it at that.

And if he is inappropriate enough to actually go through with it, then I'd do my best to be preoccupied at the reception and I wouldn't go out of my way to acknowledge what happened.

Of course if FSIL came over to me all giddy with the ring I'd hug her, congratulate her, and momentarily gush over the ring, but then I'd politely excuse myself. "Oh FSIL, that's great you must be so excited- oh sorry hun would you excuse me? Aunt Edna is leaving and I need to say goodbye. . . " And then just leave it at that, lol.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

I'm on the fence. If I didn't like the person and knew they were being gloryhound divas, I'd be irritated.

If it was genuine and they were taking advantage of family gathering, I'd be ecstatic and the photographer would have a pic of me hugging them.

Belle2188 · June 2013

I was at a wedding where this happened. It wasn't done discretely either--they rigged the bouquet and garter tosses and instead of putting the garter on her, he got down on one knee and proposed. The offending party was the cousin of the bride and at least asked her permission beforehand, but she's too nice to have ever said no. She was genuinely happy for them, but she made it pretty clear (just to me) that she wasn't happy about it happening at her wedding. Honestly, she came out of the whole thing smelling like a rose for being such a good sport, and he looked like a total ass.

mrsbizzz · June 2013

Thanks guys! I think I am going to just see what happens and try my best to stay positive if he does choose to propose at our reception. I think I'll also take the next 10 months to subtly suggest that I wouldn't be too fond of the idea. As for my FI, I'll express my desire for him to not bring it up with parents, FSIL or FSIL's BF. I think he'll be amenable to that!

nikole712 · June 2013

allyscud said:

If it was me, next time he made the joke I'd say, "You'd better be kidding" and let him infer what he wants to from that.

THIS and I would also ask my DJ not to let him have the mic during the reception.

banana468 · June 2013

If he does, perhaps a pregnancy announcement at that wedding would be in order.

moonraffe · June 2013

A friend of ours asked if we would mind if he proposed to his GF at our wedding. However, being that our wedding is a destination one, he didn't mean the actual ceremony or reception, he just meant that weekend at the destination (and we don't mind). Could FSIL's BF mean something more like this? Most of our friends are referring to an entire week (lots of people are arriving erly/leaving late) as our "wedding" when obviously, it's just one day. Since it's going to be in your hometown, next time he jokes about it, could you suggest a place and time? "oh, you should! I know this great spot you can go to after the rehearsal dinner..." Then it gives a time that's not the reception and might get him to stop joking about it if he's not serious.

SapphireCounselor · June 2013

Lobster1987 said:

I'm really blunt, so I would just straight up tell him next time he jokes about it that it would royally piss me off if he proposed to his girlfriend at my wedding.

This. Maybe this makes me a horrible person, but I would just be honest and say that while I'm very happy for him that he has found the person we wants to spend the rest of his life with, I would appreciate if he chose a time/place other than my wedding to propose. If he did do it anyway I wouldn't make a big deal about it, but I would want him to know my position.

AddieCake · June 2013

I'm also just not a big fan of proposals that happen in front of a crowd.

phira · June 2013

If he jokes about it again in front of you or your fiance: "I don't know how serious you are about proposing, but we've noticing you making these comments a lot. We would really appreciate if you did not propose the day of our wedding."

Don't give explanations. Don't make it about how it's YOUR special day. Don't say that your fiance's sister might be upset. Just that you are not okay with it, if he's serious about it.

If he DOES propose at the wedding: smile (a lot!), congratulate them, make an announcement, and then get back to celebrating YOUR marriage. And in the years to come, you can tell people how annoying it was to have someone propose at your wedding. And no one, in the years to come, will have anything negative to say about the way you handled it.

Finally, count me in as someone who hates public proposals. I'm not saying that every person should hate them, too, or that they're always bad. But I feel like public proposals sometimes happen when the proposer is worried that the proposee might say no. Being in public means that you pretty much CAN'T say, "No," or, "I'm not ready," or, "Actually, I wanted to have dinner with you tonight to tell you that I'm not happy in this relationship and want to break up."

smalfrie19 · June 2013

Umm yeah. The first time i was engaged/proposed to, it wa on X-mas in front of my entire family. I couldn't say no and I was only engaged for 2 weeks before I gave back the ring.

mcda04 · June 2013

I got engaged on Christmas day nine years ago. It was a very quiet low-key engagement at his parents house, he did it in private and we didn't tell family until a few days later.

If I would've received a proposal at somebody's wedding; I'd be mortified. it'd be humiliating and super embarrassing for me. If someone proposed at our wedding, I think I'd gladly celebrate with them. I mean the attention would shift to them for 5 min. max and then back to the wedding celebration.

saric83 · June 2013

Another approach could be to simply offer your help him plan a great proposal for her and obviously direct it away from the day of your wedding. If he makes another comment about it, just ask him if he's serious, and if so, tell him you could help make some suggestions of awesome places in your town that could be a good place. Or maybe even tell him that while FSIL would want family around, she probably would prefer just her family, not your friends and family who she doesn't even know. And then maybe suggest any other ways to do it with the larger group at a different time.

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