How do you tactfully ask guests to give you money instead of actual gifts?

jaghdr28 · June 2013

My fiance` and I already live together, we have pots and pans, toasters, crock pots... all the stuff that you pretty much register for.. we would like to have guests give us money that we can use toward the honeymoon to lighten the stress of the wedding budget a little. We have money saved, but he is worried that we won't have enough and will have to cut some activities that we talked about out of the honeymoon. So how do you go about telling guests that you'd prefer money gifts instead of a bunch of household gifts that we don't need?

Jen4948 · June 2013

You don't. It's very rude to ask for money as a gift. Also, as PPs say, you refrain from registering for gifts, and you should also decline any offers of showers.

QueerFemme · June 2013

jaghdr28 said:

My fiance` and I already live together, we have pots and pans, toasters, crock pots... all the stuff that you pretty much register for.. we would like to have guests give us money that we can use toward the honeymoon to lighten the stress of the wedding budget a little. We have money saved, but he is worried that we won't have enough and will have to cut some activities that we talked about out of the honeymoon. So how do you go about telling guests that you'd prefer money gifts instead of a bunch of household gifts that we don't need?

Another "you don't". Asking for cash is rude. Go with what PPs suggested. Don't register (or just registery for a few small things, for the few guests that want to buy you a physical gift).

You may have to delay your honeymoon for a few months after the wedding to get what you want. We got married in September but took our honeymoon in January so we could make sure we had enough cash. That's your best bet.

Fernella · June 2013

We're not registering because we don't want gifts. I know that it's culturally appropriate in some cultures to give money but I still it's tacky to ask for money.

Tomandlesley · June 2013

There is a honeymoon registery you could do. The can gift you things to do none honeymoon. It's pretty neat

KatWAG · June 2013

Tomandlesley said:

There is a honeymoon registery you could do. The can gift you things to do none honeymoon. It's pretty neat

This statement makes me want to bang my head on a table.

Tomandlesley · June 2013

How is it different than asking for gifts they are sending money to a third party and its paid for when you get to the honeymoon its not giving you cash

mtwomey1990 · June 2013

Look up wedding wishing wells. My friend did this for her wedding and its a cute little poem that you can send with the shower invites. Basically says in a nice un-rude way that you have all the pots and pans and people can drop money in your wishing well and there wish will come true then go buy a cardboard wishing well at a party store. Try this website.

http://www.weddingideaschat.com/topic/74155-wishing-well-poems/

ashleyep · June 2013

mtwomey1990 said:

Look up wedding wishing wells. My friend did this for her wedding and its a cute little poem that you can send with the shower invites. Basically says in a nice un-rude way that you have all the pots and pans and people can drop money in your wishing well and there wish will come true then go buy a cardboard wishing well at a party store. Try this website.
http://www.weddingideaschat.com/topic/74155-wishing-well-poems/

I don't get it. A shower is literally a party to give, and open, gifts. How do you have a shower and then ask for money instead of gifts?

It's still asking for money. And it's still rude.

mtwomey1990 · June 2013

If you have everything you could possibly need, people are wasting their money giving you something that you already have. Some will still give gifts and that is perfectly fine but just giving the girl advice. When I saw this done, I never thought it was tacky. If anything it takes the heat off trying to find a gift.

ashleyep · June 2013

mtwomey1990 said:

If you have everything you could possibly need, people are wasting their money giving you something that you already have. Some will still give gifts and that is perfectly fine but just giving the girl advice. When I saw this done, I never thought it was tacky. If anything it takes the heat off trying to find a gift.

But then you don't have a shower if you have everything. You don't have to have one.

Viczaesar · June 2013

mtwomey1990 said:

If you have everything you could possibly need, people are wasting their money giving you something that you already have. Some will still give gifts and that is perfectly fine but just giving the girl advice. When I saw this done, I never thought it was tacky. If anything it takes the heat off trying to find a gift.

If you have everything you could possibly need, you simply DON'T HAVE A SHOWER. You don't try to figure out ways to rake in dough.

mtwomey1990 · June 2013

I thought the idea of these boards were to have brides (past and present) share in a special time and bounce ideas off of one another; not jump down someone's throat when they have an idea you don't like. My mistake!

[Deleted User] · June 2013

You bounced your idea. People bounced their responses back. We're not going to tell you it's a good idea if it's not. Who would want advice from people who just told them all of their ideas were perfect no matter what they were?

Also, Retread, those poems are so awful. Thank you for sharing those gems. When in the hell did this trend of "Yes, you can do something horribly tacky, and it's OK so long as you have a stupid poem!" start?

mtwomey1990 · June 2013

It's one thing to say you don't think its a good idea; its a totally different thing to be completely rude about it and call people's suggestions tacky 100 times over.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

No one's calling you tacky, they're just telling you how other people would perceive it. I personally would appreciate such advice. even if I didn't realize something was inappropriate, it's much better for a bunch of internet strangers to tell me honestly how they feel about it rather than go through with it and have my friends and family be the ones thinking it.

michellemayawheeler · June 2013

You can...honeymoon registery with travel agent...then place on your wedding website...

[Deleted User] · June 2013

I don't think it's rude. In fact in my fiance's culture (japanese/filipino/hawaiian) it's expected that you give money rather than gifts. I have a tab on my wedding website called "registry" and here's what we put under it:

Our Non-Registry

We have decided not to compile a traditional registry. If you wish to contribute to our future together, then any monetary gifts would be gratefully received. But please do not feel obliged, it's your company we want!

NYCMercedes · June 2013

@wosser That's tacky. Why do you think you need to tell people that you'd appreciate money? If you feel you must bring it up, just say you chose not to do a registry. They'll figure it out.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

well, I guess because we're choosing to be honest and upfront. And we know our guests well enough to know that no one will be offended. We're not inviting strangers. And if anyone is slightly offended or weirded out then it's not the end of the world right? Thanks for your input.

NYCBruin · June 2013

LeSwan85 said:

For what it's worth, I appreciate the candidness of folks on here. Fiance and I were considering the idea of a honeymoon registry, but weren't sure if a) people would think it was bad form and b) some of the sites we looked at seemed dodgy and scammy. After hearing folks here confirm my worst suspicions that it generally is seen as a not cool thing to do AND can be scammy, it's helped me decide not to do it.

Also, the whole, "if you don't need many presents, don't have a shower" thing... is that, actually a thing? My mom and FMIL seem to be under the impression that I MUST have one, possibly two, even though fiance and I were both established adults with most of our own sh*t even before we moved in together, and now we have double the stuff and are trying to get rid of some. Anyway, my point is, is this written somewhere? Because I would LOVE to skip the shower.

Showers are gift-giving events. The idea is to "shower" the bride with gifts. The bride should open the gifts at the shower. Guests will expect this. Many guests (myself included) like showers because it's fun to see the bride light up with excitement when opening our gift.

Showers are certainly not a requirement. Showers themselves are a gift to the bride. I would just tell your mom and FMIL that you're not comfortable having a bridal shower because you aren't registering/don't want physical gifts.

If either presses the issue saying that you HAVE to have one, you could always respond with "Last time I checked, I didn't need to have a shower for our marriage to be legal in (whatever state you live in)." J/K obviously don't say that (I've been tempted to say that to people throughout the planning process who insist FI and I MUST do this or MUST do that). Honestly just say that you don't want to have a shower and stay firm on it. Obviously they can't host a shower if you tell them you won't show up, or I suppose they could and end up looking very silly.

How do you tactfully ask guests to give you money instead of actual gifts?

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Our Non-Registry

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