Wedding Etiquette Forum

Shower and wedding in two different cities?

My fiance and I are from two different towns 4 hours away (same state).  Due to health issues on his side of the family and the relative ease for my family to travel we are having our wedding in his hometown.  We are keeping it small (around 50 people) and my mom is throwing us a party a week after the wedding in my hometown for everyone that can't travel (100+). 

My question is this.  My mom wants me to invite more than 50 people to the wedding because she doesn't think they'll travel.  Knowing the people she's talking about, she's probably right.  Whether they travel or not, she wants to throw a bridal shower and invite them all there as well (in my hometown).  Now before I say anymore, understand I don't care about the gifts.  Between the two of us we have a lot (not all) of the stuff we need anyway.  I just don't know if I should be comfortable inviting a bunch of people to a shower knowing they can't make it to the wedding even though we are having a celebration party afterwards.  I don't expect gifts but they will expect to give them.  Should I let my mom do what she's doing, or should she only invite people to the shower that we know will make it to the wedding, or should we not do a shower in my hometown at all?  My fiances family consist of mostly older people and he has only brothers (all unmarried) so there aren't any women there besides his mom that would try to throw a shower.  Maybe some of the people he works with but I don't know them well enough to be comfortable with that.


Re: Shower and wedding in two different cities?

  • It's fine to do this.  As long as guests are invited to the wedding, your shower hostess can invite them to the shower, and it's ok for the shower and the wedding to be in different locations.  

    The main issue I saw in your post was that you are inviting all of these people to the wedding that you don't think will come.  Are you prepared for them to come (budget, space, etc.)?  You should always be ready for 100% attendance, even if it is unlikely you will get it.  You never know who might decide to make traveling for your wedding their annual trip, make a vacation out of it, etc.  
  • Scribe is right. You don't get 2 receptions. A reception is a thank you to your guests for attending your wedding. Also, anyone invited to your shower must be invited to the wedding as well. So your options here are to invite those extra people to your wedding, prepare for them to come even if you don't think they will, and invite them to the shower as well, OR don't invite them, don't invite them to the shower, and don't have a 2nd reception.

     

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • Yes, you can invite them to the wedding and then inviting them to the shower works. However, I agree with PPs. Most couples have people who can't make it. I don't understand this need to go on tour having multiple receptions in various locations to accommodate people who can't attend. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • edited June 2013
    First of all, you should expect everyone you invite to travel to your wedding or your shower. Do not invite people and not include them in headcounts just because you think they wont travel. 

    If I understand correctly, everyone invited to your "wedding celebration party" back home should also be invited to the wedding. Let them decide if they're comfortable traveling or not. Anyone invited to the shower must be invited to your actual wedding.

    But really, wedding showers do not need to have 50 people! They should be your closest family, not every female on the wedding invite list.
  • AddieL73 said:
    Yes, you can invite them to the wedding and then inviting them to the shower works. However, I agree with PPs. Most couples have people who can't make it. I don't understand this need to go on tour having multiple receptions in various locations to accommodate people who can't attend. 


    I agree.  It doesn't make sense to me to invite these people just so your mom can invite them to a shower if they wouldn't attend the wedding.
  • Ok, I think I see what y'all are saying but I'm going to clear up some stuff. 
     
    1) I'm not having a second "reception"
    My mom wants to throw a party for the people who can't physically or financially afford to make it to the wedding.  This party would be the same invite list as the wedding.

    2) If everyone shows up that will be fine. 

    3) My family is huge but many of them are much older and I'm not "close" to them at all.  However, in the past at some of my cousin's weddings who were not close to them either, they came to the showers and they brought gifts.  I guess my family is weird like that.  I have 21 first cousins on my mom's side and there is almost a set guest list for bridal showers that everyone uses and we don't see some of these people except for funerals, showers, and sometimes weddings.

    I understand what you gals are saying.  I think I'm just confused on what I want vs. what I want to let my mom do and what would be right for my guest. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    My thoughts on it still stand. Forget the label. Party, reception, soiree, hootenany....I don't care what it gets called. It's still you going on tour (I realize it's just one other location, but humor me) to accommodate the people who can't make it. This is becoming a huge trend. We had a bride on here recently who was thinking of having 3 receptions all over the country to accommodate people who couldn't make it.  Soon, nobody will ever travel to a wedding; they'll just say, "Meh....I'll catch it when it comes to my town." 



    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I fully expect many of my elderly relatives won't make it to my wedding. They will be invited and they will be invited to showers, etc beforehand (being held in my hometown). But we aren't having a 2nd celebration in their town after. Our wedding is Jan 18th. If they can't travel to it, they can see pictures after. I wish they will make it...but with their age and health, they likely will not. We chose our wedding location and with that comes the reality that some people just will not be able to attend. Invite them to your shower and invite them to your wedding...but don't bother spending on a second celebration. That is completely unnecessary and seems gift grabby.
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  • I'm going to have to agree with PPs. Many if not most of the guests invited to our wedding will have to travel across the state -- I live in one town, FI another, so one set was travelling no matter what. Most have indicated they're fine with that. But even if they weren't, we wouldn't have a second party in another town.

    I know that's what you and your family wants to do, and if you do it, it's your call, of course! But when I started posting here I learned a lesson quick: if you ask a question on the etiquette board, the answer will be what the correct etiquette is... not necessarily what you want to hear.
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  • You gals make too much sense :)


  • I think your mom hosting an event a week later is fine. I would invite people to one or the other though. Those you realistically know won't go to the wedding should maybe just be invited to the celebration your Mom is hosting.
  • I think your mom hosting an event a week later is fine. I would invite people to one or the other though. Those you realistically know won't go to the wedding should maybe just be invited to the celebration your Mom is hosting.

    No. Invite everyone to the wedding. If they can't make it, invite them to the at home party.
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