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MOH Pride

So to start off, my MOH is a good friend of mine who also dated my brother (I know bad combo but regardless) I choose her to be my MOH knowing that anything could happen with her and my brother, and of course they broke up and it was a messy one but through the entire thing I told them both I am there for both of them and whatever happens with their relationship is between them and I have my separate relationships with them separately. Well just the week of my bachelorette party, the plan was to go to the beach but weather was not on our side, so a few days before my MOH asked me what else I would like to do and gave me some options. I chose the one i would like best. The NIGHT before my MOH begins to ask me what I want to do and times and due to working in a teenage girl residential placement, my job is VERY stressful, and I was not really in the mood to start discussing what I was to be doing on my bachelorette day. The MORNING of, there was a lot of attacking of me due to my other maids and how they were treating my MOH but really in reality my MOH was just mis reading ALL of the things that were being said to her.  So due to the stress of work and wedding, I stated I didn't want to have my bachlorette at all because everyone is missing the point of the day and worrying about themselves. my MOH began to tell me how much money she spent and time on my shower and my bachlorette and she has received no thanks but that she is being selfish and if I don't want to go with the rest of the night plans to let her know so she can cancel the reservations and let everyone know that I cancelled it. I was very upset but her response. So the question is, should I be doing something above and beyond to thank her for everything that she has done? or is it kind of, comes with the territory that when you accept such a position you know what it entitles?

Re: MOH Pride

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    So to start off, my MOH is a good friend of mine who also dated my brother (I know bad combo but regardless) I choose her to be my MOH knowing that anything could happen with her and my brother, and of course they broke up and it was a messy one but through the entire thing I told them both I am there for both of them and whatever happens with their relationship is between them and I have my separate relationships with them separately. Well just the week of my bachelorette party, the plan was to go to the beach but weather was not on our side, so a few days before my MOH asked me what else I would like to do and gave me some options. I chose the one i would like best. The NIGHT before my MOH begins to ask me what I want to do and times and due to working in a teenage girl residential placement, my job is VERY stressful, and I was not really in the mood to start discussing what I was to be doing on my bachelorette day. The MORNING of, there was a lot of attacking of me due to my other maids and how they were treating my MOH but really in reality my MOH was just mis reading ALL of the things that were being said to her.  So due to the stress of work and wedding, I stated I didn't want to have my bachlorette at all because everyone is missing the point of the day and worrying about themselves. my MOH began to tell me how much money she spent and time on my shower and my bachlorette and she has received no thanks but that she is being selfish and if I don't want to go with the rest of the night plans to let her know so she can cancel the reservations and let everyone know that I cancelled it. I was very upset but her response. So the question is, should I be doing something above and beyond to thank her for everything that she has done? or is it kind of, comes with the territory that when you accept such a position you know what it entitles?
    Being MOH means showing up, sober, in the right clothes, on time to the ceremony, just like the rest of the wedding party. Nothing more. You haven't thanked her for anything she's done or tried to do and don't think you should have to b/c you think MOH is just supposed to do all that as part of her job?  Am I reading this right?


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    I have thanked her for everything that she has done. The other thing is, she was right on top of any of the other BMs who did not help her or pitch in. Also, she had a lot of help but chose not to accept it from any of the other BMs.
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    She was asking you what you wanted to do and you got mad at her? Lots of us have stressful jobs and manage our at-home life just fine. I have a feeling there's more to this story than you are letting on. Yes, you should thank her for anything she has done for you so far, and you would also do well to check your expectations about what a MOH is and isn't.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    When you are asked to be a BM or MOH, isnt there some knowledge that you are going to have some input in the bridal shower and bachlorette, and you are making sure that it is what your friend, the bride, would want? that is my question. I am not saying that she doesnt deserve to be thanked BUT when asked to be in a wedding, a bridal shower and bachelorette are usually planned by the BM and/or MOH, correct? and also the wedding is about the Bride and Groom and standing by their side and being there for support and help. so also with that being said, does the MOH have be thanked and given special treatment for what she has done? I am not saying a thanks is not necessary but at the same point you should be doing it becacuse you love that person and the thanks shouldnt be the first thing that should happen. I dont know maybe it is just me but i do many things for people and dont expect a thank you, i do it because i care and love them and want it to be special for them and i am willing to do whatever it takes to make the planning process fun and stress free.
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    Also, due to such an involved fiancee, i have not had to go to my BM for much help due to him being right by my side, and I am in no means a bridezilla. even for the Bachlorette party, i stated what i would like and siad i dont mind what we do as long as I am just told what time to be ready by. I did NOT want to be involved in the planning and i was very go with the flow for many many things! I feel that clearly going with the flow just makes things harder

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    Hosting and planning parties for the bride does not go with the territory of being a MOH or bridesmaid. Those parties aren't entitlements, they're gifts to the bride. If your MOH and bms, planned, hosted, organized any of those parties for you, they went above and beyond their 'duties.' Also, anyone, except the bride or groom, may plan those parties.
                       
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    When you are asked to be a BM or MOH, isnt there some knowledge that you are going to have some input in the bridal shower and bachlorette, and you are making sure that it is what your friend, the bride, would want? that is my question. I am not saying that she doesnt deserve to be thanked BUT when asked to be in a wedding, a bridal shower and bachelorette are usually planned by the BM and/or MOH, correct? and also the wedding is about the Bride and Groom and standing by their side and being there for support and help. so also with that being said, does the MOH have be thanked and given special treatment for what she has done? I am not saying a thanks is not necessary but at the same point you should be doing it becacuse you love that person and the thanks shouldnt be the first thing that should happen. I dont know maybe it is just me but i do many things for people and dont expect a thank you, i do it because i care and love them and want it to be special for them and i am willing to do whatever it takes to make the planning process fun and stress free.

    Also, due to such an involved fiancee, i have not had to go to my BM for much help due to him being right by my side, and I am in no means a bridezilla. even for the Bachlorette party, i stated what i would like and siad i dont mind what we do as long as I am just told what time to be ready by. I did NOT want to be involved in the planning and i was very go with the flow for many many things! I feel that clearly going with the flow just makes things harder


    BM's don't have to do bachelorette parties or showers. They are a gift. Many brides do not have them. They are in no way required of attendants. Neither is help or support. If you need either, ask your fiance or your parents. Why would you need support on what is to be the happiest time of your life? If you honor your friend by asking her to stand up with you, you should be eternally grateful for that and for her buying her dress. If she's done that, she is a great friend and attendant.
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    Also, due to such an involved fiancee, i have not had to go to my BM for much help due to him being right by my side, and I am in no means a bridezilla. 

    Good, that's the way it's supposed to be. That doesn't make you exceptional. The bms shouldn't be expected to help with the wedding planning. They are required to get their dresses and show up on time and sober for the wedding ceremony, that's it. Anything else they volunteer to do is extra.
                       
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    I've been a BM many time (MOH once) and never have I hosted a shower. They're not my thing. I can only ever see myself hosting one for my own sister some day. I have planned a couple bachelorette parties, but never because I was "supposed to." I did it with my friends because we wanted to and because the bride was our good friend. However, I did expect to be thanked for my effort, that's just common courtesy. I think your friend was trying to be helpful by asking you what time you wanted to get things going, and you snapped on her for not doing it the way you wanted. She's not a mind reader.

    One more thing- your fiancee should be more involved in your wedding planning than your BM's. I have never once felt like I had to "support" the bride I was standing up with. I don't get what people mean when they say they need "support" on their wedding day. The only support I expect from my MOH is to maybe hold my dress up when I go to the bathroom.

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    I'm having a hard time following exactly what's happened.
    But it sounds like she's spent money on a party that is a gift to you, she caught you at a bad time, and then you told her to cancel the plans? If it did end up costing her money, I can definitely see why she'd be upset.
    And if she isn't being thanked for the parties she's throwing as a gift to you or any additional wedding planning help she's giving, I can see why she'd be VERY upset.

    It's totally ok for you to decline a bach party if one is offered to you. But if you accept the offer and a lot of planning goes into it, you definitely need to be cognitive of the effort (and perhaps finances) that have already been put towards it and appreciate her effort.
    So if you really do not want one now, you can't be forced to go... but I'd definitely understand why she'd be upset at this point. You need to apologize for any misunderstandings and thank her for what she's done. And then try to work this all out with your friend.
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