Handling the Holidays

wrigleyville · July 2013

FI and I are moving to California next year. We're already in deep discussion about how to handle Thanksgiving and Christmas. His parents live in Colorado, and my parents live in Michigan. FI is terrified of flying and will only do so if absolutely necessary. The train, however, takes 2-3 days each direction.

Right now, we spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other (and then flip-flop the next year) because it's easy to drive to my parents' house for one holiday and then take the train to his parents' house for the other holiday. Now that both families will be a 2-3-day train ride away, it's going to be difficult to do that given our vacation time allotment. I may just have to convince him to get on a plane for Thanksgiving AND Christmas, or there's no way we're going to be able to see both families. Still, even if I can do that, that's a lot of vacation time and money at the end of the year.

I'm starting to think Christmas in July would be awesome. :-P

Do any of you live in a separate state from both families? What do you guys do?

AddieCake · July 2013

We do. We usually just stay home or my dad travels to us. I went alone to my dad's for Christmas this year b/c my husband had to work. Next year we are talking about going to see his dad for Christmas, but so far we have never spent a holiday with either of his parents. I didn't even meet his mother until the rehearsal dinner, and I have never met his dad or stepdad. I got to spend Easter with his sister and brother this year b/c they were passing through on their way to see their dad.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

We haven't decided yet (getting married in October). When we were living in Georgia, we invited a few friends to our place for Thanksgiving, and spent Christmas alone together. His immediate family lives in Indiana, mine is in California/Colorado/Canada. This year, we might try to head to Colorado for Christmas to see his grandparents and then meet up with my family before or after.

Down the road? I have no idea. We figure we'll decide when we need to, no sense in planning ahead now. And then throw kids into the picture in a few years, and it just makes everything more complicated...

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

Our families were each a 10+ hour drive away our first year of marriage. We opted to have Christmas at home together because of H's work schedule. My parents came to us for Thanksgiving. This year, we spent Christmas Eve with my parents who have since moved to our city and we flew to see his parents on Christmas Day.....I don't think we will ever do that again though because flying on the holiday itself really sucked. We haven't had a chance to travel for Thanksgiving because it's just too expensive and hectic to fly that week. Basically, we just play it by ear. Not gonna lie, adjusting to how to spend the holidays was really hard for me our first two years.

Blue & White · July 2013

We usually drive (it's 14 hours) for Christmas. Thanksgiving we split between the families depending on how much time we get off. We also go to closer family members' celebrations, so only 5-7 hours away.

I am terrified of needles (shakes, passing out, the works) though and when I read this I thought that maybe your husband could benefit from counseling. Not that that will make him want to be a jetsetter, but his fear of flying is getting in the way of life. After a brief stint in the hospital for an illness, I'm currently seeing a counselor to bring my needle anxiety back down to normal. It's an option if he's open to it.

In your situation without flying, I would drive to Colorado in thanksgiving and Michigan for Christmas simply because of the travel time difference. Or you may be able to invite your families to California, because let's face it there will be a lot less snow in Cali than Colorado or Michigan

SomethingBeautiful08 · July 2013

Skype helps. It is easy to set up and makes not being able to visit a lot easier. While we've got a lot of his family local to us in MI, his Mom lives in Florida and my family in Oregon. When I was single I tried to get out to Oregon twice a year, once during the summer and once during Christmas. With family in two places we've set a goal of visiting both Florida and Oregon at least once during any given year, even if it isn't necessarily during a holiday. We are planning on going to Oregon for Christmas this year which will be DH's first Christmas away from his family. It is hard, but it does work.

STARMOON44 · July 2013

One of the consequences of moving far away from your families is not being able to make it home as often. I'd start getting used to the idea now. But I also think he should seek treatment for this- if his fear is getting in thecway of your lives, it's time to bring in the pro's.

thejucheidea · July 2013

When I was younger, we spent Thanksgiving in Tennessee with my mom's family and Christmas/New Years with my dad's family in California. With my fiance, both families are in Tennessee, so we usually spend the holidays with his family because they celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving hardcore while my family does nothing. It makes it easy.

Unfortunately, you may need to celebrate one or both of the holidays in California instead of going to see family or have them come see you instead.

vineheart137 · July 2013

Is it not possible for your family members to maybe come to you sometimes? I know I would enjoy Christmas in California!

You will probably have to get used to the idea of not being able to see family in person for every holiday. It does get really expensive and sometimes you just won't feel like making the trek. As a PP said, Skype will be your friend!

Just think about how nice it will be to spend a relaxing vacation home with your hubby, instead of worrying about packing and catching planes/trains and whatnot.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

shaylovessly said:

Is it not possible for your family members to maybe come to you sometimes? I know I would enjoy Christmas in California! You will probably have to get used to the idea of not being able to see family in person for every holiday. It does get really expensive and sometimes you just won't feel like making the trek. As a PP said, Skype will be your friend! Just think about how nice it will be to spend a relaxing vacation home with your hubby, instead of worrying about packing and catching planes/trains and whatnot.

Great advice. Holiday travel is the pits. Also, this is a time when you can start your own family traditions.

MrsMack10612 · July 2013

We are in MA, my mom lives in NJ, his parents in RI. My dad also lives in MA, but we have an interesting relationship to say the least and I've/we've never been invited to his home for any major (or minor for that matter) holidays.

Obviously we don't have as much travel time as some, but we generally flip flop Thanksgiving between his folks and my mom. Christmas, we spend Eve at home together, get up in the morning do the Christmas thing and then head to his folks for Christmas dinner. After that we go to my sister's to do Christmas with her.

My family (with a few exceptions) has been so scattered for so many years, I got very used to not seeing most of them during the holidays. H is an only child so we have to make time to see his folks every year.

freebread03 · July 2013

We live in DC-FI's family lives close by in MD, but my parents live in Arizona. Some years we don't go to AZ at all and do Christmas at our place, just us two, and go to his mom's for dinner the weekend of Christmas (since they have a lot of older relatives, we don't always do Christmas on Christmas depending on travel plans). We'll also sometimes drive up to Vermont I my aunt and uncle's for thanksgiving. It all depends, we don't really have a regular holiday schedule, and that's fine with me! Holidays can be stressful enough without all the traveling. But, your H needs to get over the flying thing-take him to a doc, get some anti anxiety meds, or get him hypnotized. Or, remind him he's more likely to die driving than flying

wrigleyville · July 2013

FI will fly, and did recently, but he's so shaky and nervous that I feel bad. On the last trip, it helped quite a bit to take a couple shots before we boarded and then again before we landed, but I really hate to put him through that again. He is seeing a counselor, which led to us taking this last trip by plane, so he could test it out. He was prescribed Xanax, but it did squat. The alcohol worked better (I made sure he didn't take Xanax when he decided he was going to drink instead).

He said he could probably fly to Michigan since the train takes so long, but we'll most likely drive to CO since it's only a day trip (if we share the driving).

I like the Skype idea.

Our mothers are both too ill to travel, so them coming to CA isn't an option. I pitched the idea of having a big Thanksgiving dinner with Christmas presents at our new place, and then we realized it would be too hard on them.

Luckily, our siblings all live in the same town as our parents, so we don't have to toss them into the mix. I have a feeling we'll probably end up going to one family's house for a Thanksgiving or Christmas and then visit the other family in the summer and have "Christmas in July" (my mother's idea). I'm sure we'll visit other times of the year too. I love flying, so I already plan to fly back to Michigan for the occasional long weekend, and they know FI probably won't come with me, which is fine.

Thanks for all of the ideas and responses.

I really appreciate it.

G2SoccerTaz · July 2013

It has been a while since my husband and I have spent Christmas with my family. It has been longer since I have spent Thanksgiving with my family. My husband has never enjoyed the Thanksgiving holiday with my family. My parents are in California and we are in Texas. With vacation days and the price of plane tickets, we really cannot go every year out to California. For the last few years, we have been Skyping my parents. We open the gifts as if we are in the same location.

I recommend trying to come up with your own traditions and enjoy Thanksgiving/Christmas without going anywhere. Sometimes, it is nice to spend Christmas or Thanksgiving without having to go anywhere.

easilyunamused · July 2013

I haven't been home for a holiday since I moved out of my home state 6 years ago. I had a job that I had to work all holidays. FI hasn't been home for a holiday since we moved out of his home state 4 years ago, but his family has been able to visit us shortly after the holidays twice, and we had our own "Christmas". If it's not feasible to be there on the actual holiday, could you try to make a separate trip later in the New Year?

The drive from Colorado to Michigan is 24 hours if you drive straight through, so it might be quicker than the train. (unless your from upnorth I guess)

hoffse · July 2013

I would just start your own traditions. H and I live 2 hours away from each set of parents. We are doing Thanksgiving at his, Christmas at mine this year, swapping the next year, then we are done. If people want to see us they can visit.

This is because I'm a lawyer and work up until those actual holidays. I prefer to take my time off during the early summer for a big trip, and H feels the same way. Frankly, both sets of parents started their own traditions when they got married, and H and I feel that we should be able to do the same. Yes it will be an adjustment but we won't enjoy the holiday by travelling every single time.

laurag524 · July 2013

We live in MA, my parents live in CT & his parents live in MD. We don't have problems with Christmas and Thanksgiving because his parents don't celebrate them. Our birthdays are another story - my parents, brother, fiancee and my birthday's all fall in the same week. His parents like to fly up and stay the whole week (Friday - Sunday of the next week). They weren't happy that I went home for one of them to celebrate with my family. My brother was also moving to Florida that weekend so it wasn't an option for my family to come up. Next year, I think we might go to MD for a weekend and CT for another to avoid any issues.

MoonlightSilver · July 2013

We live near my parents, so we see them all the time for holidays. FI's parents are a plane ride away. We usually only do every other Christmas with them, though lately they've been coming out to visit in the early months (January - March) so we end up seeing them every year.

PhoneCardLady · July 2013

While FI's parents and mine are in the same state, my job may play a factor...

I will be starting a job that is rotating shifts, which means I may work ANY shift - days, afternoons or midnights. I am also contingent, but have been told I will get 80 hours per pay period.

While I have been told that I will have every other holiday off, I have no idea at the time what shift I will be working this year (or which holiday I will work).

emeejeeayen · July 2013

My mom is in CA, his parents are in NY. We currently live in DC. We usually skip holidays because 1) FI is Jewish and does not care about Christmas nor the Jewish holidays enough to go up to NY to visit his parents, 2) flights are so ridiculously expensive around the holidays to go to CA. We plan visits on off times instead.

sarabellam · July 2013

We live in the same town in GA as my parents, but that is not the case for my sister. She and her family live in Zurich, her MIL (recently deceased) lived in Beirut, her FIL lives in Liberia. Some years they fly to the states (depending on how many days she and my BIL have spent stateside throughout the year), some years they fly to Beirut, and a couple of times they stayed in Zurich and my family went to see them. Alternating for holidays is pretty typical, though I agree that the fear of flying is getting in the way.

tiny speck · July 2013

H's family is in the midwest, mine in western Canada, and we have lived in the UK for 5 years. This past Christmas was the first we've spent with either family (went to his). I like that we've pretty much just started our own traditions, that way there is no pressure for us to come. It isn't feasible to travel so far so often either. Skype has been very useful too though.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

wrigleyville said:

Do any of you live in a separate state from both families? What do you guys do?

You just adjust and compromise.

Suggest you figure on not seeing family EACH AND EVERY Thanksgiving and Christmas. Try to get back at least once a year, which might mean a long summer road trip or alternating his family and your family once a year.

I very much suggest your guy do whatever it takes to get over his fear of flying. I have a phobia, too, so know that the phobias are real. (Mine is fear of heights.) However, in allowing his phobia to prevent him from doing what he needs to do, he will also miss out on family events, etc.

There are people who specialize in treating phobias, especially fear of flying. I strongly recommend your guy persist in overcoming and controlling his phobia.

Since you could very well be flying back and forth, eventually, you might start researching frequent flyer programs. Joining a good frequent flyer program can help reduce the cost of air travel. I know all about that from personal experience. I am Aadvantage Gold, and never pay to check a bag. That saves us $100/trip if we both check one bag both ways.

jeanetteandpaul2014 · July 2013

My fiancé and I, live in San Francisco. His family lives in Minneapolis, and my family in Chicago. Last year we spent the week of Christmas with his family, and the day after Christmas, we flew to Chicago. We are doing the same thing this year. He doesn't get to see his family as often, bc they are older and don't travel as much. Which, is why, I don't mind that we spend Christmas with his side. My parents come to SF, I go home during the year, or we even met my family for my mom birthday vacation in Riviera Maya this year. Thanksgiving, we spend together. We enjoy the holidays with our families, but you get so used to all the alone time we get living far from everyone, that it's nice to have our together time back to normal after the holidays. You'll figure it out. Your families will figure it out. My family waits to open presents til we get home so we don't feel left out. Best of luck!

wrigleyville · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

wrigleyville said:

Do any of you live in a separate state from both families? What do you guys do?

You just adjust and compromise.

Suggest you figure on not seeing family EACH AND EVERY Thanksgiving and Christmas. Try to get back at least once a year, which might mean a long summer road trip or alternating his family and your family once a year.

I very much suggest your guy do whatever it takes to get over his fear of flying. I have a phobia, too, so know that the phobias are real. (Mine is fear of heights.) However, in allowing his phobia to prevent him from doing what he needs to do, he will also miss out on family events, etc.

There are people who specialize in treating phobias, especially fear of flying. I strongly recommend your guy persist in overcoming and controlling his phobia.

If you read my follow-up, you'll see that he IS seeing a therapist and we do not plan to see our families for every holiday.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I plan to pop out kids really quickly in the hopes that everyone will come to us for every holiday thereafter.

Ok, fine, that's not the real reason that we plan to have children pretty quickly, but there's a good chance it will have that awesome effect.

Handling the Holidays

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