engagement party etiquette

colex · July 2013

What is the proper etiquette for engagement parties? My one friend (and future BM -- my wedding is in 2015 so I havent asked even though I know who I want to be in my wedding) was asking me when I am having my engagement party today, I told her that I wasn't having one because no one has offered to host one. She told me that I should and that it's a great party. I told her that if she felt so strongly about it that she is free to throw me one but FI and I have been engaged since March so it may be a little late. She then told me that it is the responsibility of the the bride and groom to throw their engagement party. That didn't sit well with me, I know it isn't right, what do you guys have to say in this matter? Isn't it against etiquette to throw your own engagement party?

Sorry if I seem a little ramble-y I had an espresso martini with dinner.

Wheels987 · July 2013

Your gut is right--it's improper to host your own party where you'll be the guest of honor. If she brings it up again just brush it off as something you're choosing not to do.

manateehugger · July 2013

Yeah, your friend is way off. The bride and groom should never host their own engagement party since they are the guests of honor. Not to mention that people usually bring small gifts (booze, gift card) to an engagement party. So self-hosting looks like a gift grab. It's same reason why you don't host your own shower or bachelorette.

manateehugger · July 2013

Also. Espresso martini sounds yummy. Did you make it yourself? Recipe?

Simply Fated · July 2013

It's definitely not you and your fiance's responsibility.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

Skip it. Um yeah, martini recipe?

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

Engagement parties are traditionally hosted by the bride's parents, as a way of announcing the engagement. Since no one knows of the engagement ahead of time (theoretically), there is no reason to bring a present.

The engagement might be an open secret, but the engagement party is a chance for the FOB to say "Ladies and gentlemen I have the honor of announcing..."

It's a way for the parents to demonstrate to one and all that they approve of the engagement, and a great excuse for a party.

It's totally optional.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

Rules about engagement parties:

1) don't throw one for yourself

2) have it no more than about 3 months after you get engaged

3) anyone invited to pre-wedding parties (read: E-party) must get a wedding invite

That's really it. Anyone can throw one for you (doesn't have to be your parents). You can also decline offers if you don't want one. I had a couple of separate friends who offered to throw one. At that point, we didn't know who would be invited to the wedding and I don't like being the center of attention, so we declined, but said we'd be ok with going out for a drink. That deterrent worked for us.

colex · July 2013

1 ozcold espresso
1 1/2 oz Absolut® vodka
1 1/2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
1 oz white creme de cacao

Pour ingredients into shaker filled with ice, shake vigorously, and strain into chilled martini glass. It should be somewhat frothy

It's a little sweet but really good and strong if you're into that kind of thing.

colex · July 2013

FI and I announced our engagement during Christmas dinner to our families (we were engaged Christmas eve) so everyone in our circles knows. I wouldn't mind a party but it's not something that's important to me. If someone wants to throw one for me great, if not then oh well.
I know my mother isn't going to throw one because my parents are already are paying for so much of our wedding and she already has told me not to expect one from her.
@southernbelle0915 I thought you had upwards of 9 months for an engagement party, I could be mistaken. I've been lurking on this board for a while and I thought I saw it posted before.

AddieCake · July 2013

I'm glad you knew this was a bad idea. And thanks for the martini recipe!

colex · July 2013

I have a ton of them. That's one thing Pinterest is good for.

colex · July 2013

colex · July 2013

scribe95 said:

I have never seen 9 months for an engagement party. That is ridiculous and gift grabby.

As I said, I could have been mistaken, I just tried to look back and find the post where I thought I saw it. It looks like I made a mistake, :-/

nicolemlajoie · July 2013

amazonkit · July 2013

It's not your responsibility at all. It's usually the parents or a member of the bridal party who throw it. But you don't need to have one if you don't want to. My fiancé and I declined when my friend offered because with that, the social, the shower, the bachelor/ette party, and wedding, that's a lot of days we're asking our friends and family to put on us. We didn't think that was fair.

colex · July 2013

Well it turns out that the girl I originally posted about got in touch with my cousin about throwing an engagement party. I can go either way with having one, especially since we've been engaged since Christmas. I've told my cousin quite a few times that I do not want one.

I have since heard through the grapevine that a surprise engagement party may be in the works with my family and a few friends (all of whom will be invited to the wedding).

I've also talked to my other cousin, who was married last year, cousin 1 was like this at the beginning as well with her but eventually does fizzle out when she realizes that she isn't getting anywhere. I can't get mad at her for being excited, I'm happy that I have people that love me so much, even if they can be demanding.

colex · July 2013

@Liatris2010 -- I want to add that tonights drink of choice is a cucumber connoction made with cucumber vodka, simple syrup and tonic water, it's pretty tasty.

Since I've been off of work (I teach) I've been experimenting with my mixology skills.

harper0813 · July 2013

So you should really stick around. You've got a good head on your shoulders!

CarolinaHeart · July 2013

I'm gonna need someone to make this woman a sticky to post her nightly drink recipes...

NYCMercedes · July 2013

colex said:

@Liatris2010 -- I want to add that tonights drink of choice is a cucumber connoction made with cucumber vodka, simple syrup and tonic water, it's pretty tasty.

Since I've been off of work (I teach) I've been experimenting with my mixology skills.

Amounts, please?

Tmom1134 · July 2013

I have seen some people host their own engagement parties as a way to mix and mingle sets of friends and families. It was no different than any other house party or birthday part and there were no activities "honoring" the engageds...

aurianna · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

I have seen some people host their own engagement parties as a way to mix and mingle sets of friends and families. It was no different than any other house party or birthday part and there were no activities "honoring" the engageds...

When's the last time you went to a birthday party for an adult, hosted by that adult? Maybe they're common in your circle, but they sure aren't in mine. My friends and I always offer to take the birthday girl out. My family only ever celebrates milestone birthday parties and they're always hosted by someone else.
"Hey everyone, come to my party honoring the awesomeness that is my existence. Birthdays are often gift giving occasions but I'm not asking for gifts *wink wink*. Come watch me blow out the candles on a cake I bought myself...." wha? Is that common some places?

House parties are not typically gift giving events and the host is not the guest of honor.

Engagement parties, while not as gift heavy as showers, do still sometimes include small gifts. It's rude to throw a party for yourself where the expectation is to give you gifts. It's also rude to throw a party where you are supposed to be the guest of honor. "Hey everyone, we are specifically inviting you to come oooh and ahhh over us!"
I personally find engagement parties a little AWish to begin with but if the couple is hosting it themselves? yuck.

@amazonkit, actually supplemental wedding themed parties are not the responsibility of anyone. They are gifts and only occur if someone offers to throw one. If your family can't afford it and don't offer it, you don't get one.

But it's ok. We didn't have one and we were worried about it but when we went to get the marriage license, the lady behind the counter only asked for our birth certificates and didn't need to see proof-of-engagement-party. So we were breathing a sigh of relief on that one.

nicolemlajoie · July 2013

AddieCake · July 2013

nicolemlajoie said:

I remember reading an article in The Knot back in February or March about this same topic. The Knot stated that nowadays more brides and grooms are hosting their own, that it's become so common. A lot of people aren't following old traditions, they are starting new ones

We could all start farting in elevators and make that a new "tradition." That doesn't mean it isn't still off-putting just b/c a bunch of people start doing it.

nicolemlajoie · July 2013

AddieCake · July 2013

I think you're missing my point.

colex · July 2013

@NYCMercedes its 2oz cucumber vodka, a splash of lemon juice, 1 oz simple syrup.

I pour it over ice into a tumbler glass and then top it off with about 2 oz of tonic water.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

colex said:

@NYCMercedes its 2oz cucumber vodka, a splash of lemon juice, 1 oz simple syrup.

I pour it over ice into a tumbler glass and then top it off with about 2 oz of tonic water.

Yum. Thank you.

colex · July 2013

It was really good, garnish it with a cucumber if you're feeling fancy. :-)

futuremrsfama · June 2014

We got engaged in April, and are not having an engagement party until September (past the three months rule). I really didn't want an e-party, but my MIL is soooo excited, she really wants to throw us one. The timing however is because I wanted to be sure that my parents could also be there, and that is the soonest they could come down for it. We will be putting something to the effect of Please no gifts, your presence and love is more than enough on the invites, b/c we certainly do NOT want it to seem like a gift grab - just a celebration and fun get together...

...excited to try this espresso martini!!

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