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Moms and Maids

Matron of Honor doing all the work, Maid of Honor not helping

So I need some advice.  I had originally decided I would have a Matron & Maid of Honor, which in theory sounded excellent.  Two close friends sharing the duties of MOH.  The Matron would be the first in line, and is my closest friend, the Maid also being a close friend, but I had wanted both MOHs to split the duties so they would have to devote less time, money, and not be as stressed. Now the Matron is having to foot all of the bill, do all of the work, and the Maid is MIA!! She hasn't even really spoken to me.  The Matron has gone completely above and beyond, and I'm frustrated with the Maid, because she calls me her best friend, yet she's not being supportive at all.  I had already had one talk with her when she wasn't getting involved, to find out what was going on, and she told me she had felt excluded and like the other MOH didn't need help at all.  I stressed to her that no feelings were being hurt intentionally, and that the MOH would love to have help, she just needed to offer it, because the MOH was afraid to ask for help from anyone.  She said she was going to get involved now that she knew help was needed, and felt better now that I'd talked to both MOH's to give them perspective of where each other are coming from.  It's been several weeks, and she has never done what she said she would do, and not even talked to me, besides to talk about herself, and her trips.  I am to the point now where I don't think having asked her to be my MOH was a good idea, and I think she should just be a regular Bridesmaid.  How do you tactfully handle this?

Re: Matron of Honor doing all the work, Maid of Honor not helping

  • You don't. They are no responsibilities for bridesmaids except wear the dress, be on time and sober.
    manateehuggerwittykitty14[Deleted User]Blue_Bird
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    So I need some advice.  I had originally decided I would have a Matron & Maid of Honor, which in theory sounded excellent.  Two close friends sharing the duties of MOH.  The Matron would be the first in line, and is my closest friend, the Maid also being a close friend, but I had wanted both MOHs to split the duties so they would have to devote less time, money, and not be as stressed. Now the Matron is having to foot all of the bill, do all of the work, and the Maid is MIA!! She hasn't even really spoken to me.  The Matron has gone completely above and beyond, and I'm frustrated with the Maid, because she calls me her best friend, yet she's not being supportive at all.  I had already had one talk with her when she wasn't getting involved, to find out what was going on, and she told me she had felt excluded and like the other MOH didn't need help at all.  I stressed to her that no feelings were being hurt intentionally, and that the MOH would love to have help, she just needed to offer it, because the MOH was afraid to ask for help from anyone.  She said she was going to get involved now that she knew help was needed, and felt better now that I'd talked to both MOH's to give them perspective of where each other are coming from.  It's been several weeks, and she has never done what she said she would do, and not even talked to me, besides to talk about herself, and her trips.  I am to the point now where I don't think having asked her to be my MOH was a good idea, and I think she should just be a regular Bridesmaid.  How do you tactfully handle this?
    What duties do you think the MsOH have? You're way off base, here. They shouldn't have to spend time and money on your wedding related stuff, unless they volunteer to do so. 

    The only  BM and MOH 'duties' are 1. buy the dress that the bride selected, that was within their budgets 2. show up on time for the ceremony in said dress, sober 3. the Maid or Matron (same thing) of honor,  may be asked to hold the rings, flowers and sign a marriage certificate. 

    Anything else is extra. 

    Edit - grammar
                       
    Blue_Bird
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @1covejack - I'm just spiffy, lady. How about you?
                       
  • You honor your bridesmaids by giving them a special place in your wedding. You don't honor them by demanding time and money.
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    Blue_Bird
  • Do you know the history of the maid of honors?  There were supposed to be 10 in order to confuse the evil spirits (of course they were all supposed to wear identical outfits to do so).

    The point being, even back in the day, the only duty a MOH had was to stand there and look pretty.  
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
    Blue_Bird
  • You can't "demote" her to a "regular bridesmaid" without doing serious harm to your friendship. Check your expectations. Don't pay attention to all those "lists" of BM/MOH duties out there (even on this site)- they are designed to funnel $$ back into the wedding industry.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    Blue_Bird
  • edited July 2013
    So I need some advice.  I had originally decided I would have a Matron & Maid of Honor, which in theory sounded excellent.  Two close friends sharing the duties of MOH.  The Matron would be the first in line, and is my closest friend, the Maid also being a close friend, but I had wanted both MOHs to split the duties so they would have to devote less time, money, and not be as stressed. Now the Matron is having to foot all of the bill, do all of the work, and the Maid is MIA!! She hasn't even really spoken to me.  The Matron has gone completely above and beyond, and I'm frustrated with the Maid, because she calls me her best friend, yet she's not being supportive at all.  I had already had one talk with her when she wasn't getting involved, to find out what was going on, and she told me she had felt excluded and like the other MOH didn't need help at all.  I stressed to her that no feelings were being hurt intentionally, and that the MOH would love to have help, she just needed to offer it, because the MOH was afraid to ask for help from anyone.  She said she was going to get involved now that she knew help was needed, and felt better now that I'd talked to both MOH's to give them perspective of where each other are coming from.  It's been several weeks, and she has never done what she said she would do, and not even talked to me, besides to talk about herself, and her trips.  I am to the point now where I don't think having asked her to be my MOH was a good idea, and I think she should just be a regular Bridesmaid.  How do you tactfully handle this?


    What duties? The "duties" of the bridal party is to buy the right dress, show up on time and sober. No one has any "duties" outside of that. It's very nice that the Matron is helping you with so much stuff. However no one needs to help you with anything - no one needs to throw you a shower or a bachelorette. It's very nice if they do, but totally not required by any means. I feel bad for your Maid that she's taking heat for this... When you say she's not being supportive it sounds like you want her to help and spend money on you and to talk less about herself and more about your wedding. That sounds really awful.

    ETA quotes not separating
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    Blue_Bird[Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto PPs. There are no duties and everyone pretty much does the same thing. That's good news b/c now you can just abandon worrying over this and go have a margarita. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    MairePoppySKPM[Deleted User]
  • 1covejack said:
    You don't need "support", and your friends are not obliged to do anything. You get that you're honouring THEM with those roles, not hiring staff, right?
    Yep. Sorry that the Matron seems to be stuck doing a lot but she doesn't have to do anything. Its nice of her to do things, but really all they are responsible for is showing up. The rest is icing on the cake. 
    ~* Matron of Honor *~

    Lilypie Second Birthday tickersLilypie Pregnancy tickers
    [Deleted User]
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    If OP is referring to showers and bps, she should stay out of it. The bride shouldn't plan those events or expect anyone else to plan parties for her. She already 'had one talk' with the MOH, which was a grand faux pas. 
                       
    Blue_BirdKeptInStitches
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think I get what your saying about the duties (like the bachelorette party and wedding shower/ kitchen tea). I agree with what someone said, there's nothing you can say that can't potentially damage your friendship. I think you should just leave things as is and if your matron needs help then perhaps you can help her or tell another bridesmaid. Or you could try again to tell her but this time just say, "Hey I heard the matron needs help with x. Do you think you can do that?" I hope everything works out for you.
    And as everybody has already pointed out, those are not actually duties for any of the wedding party members.



    Blue_Birdsouthernbelle0915
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @GlassButton - Sadly, many people confuse proper wedding etiquette with those lists of duties created by the wedding industry. The real, secret purpose of those lists is to convince brides and the people who love them that they must spend lots money on wedding related items and services. 

    The Wedding Industry convinces the bride that her wedding party must be outfitted in identical dresses, shoes, jewelry, and that the bms would love monogrammed cosmetic cases and bathrobes and T-shirts with 'Bridesmaid' emblazoned on them. 

    The wedding industry wants the MOH and bms to feel obligated to throw showers, bps, teas, engagement parties, which all require matching paper goods, favors, invitations and gifts that are sold by the vendors who pay to advertise on The Knot's website. 

    The only duties the MOH has are to buy the agreed upon dress, show up on time for the ceremony and have a good attitude toward the couple. Anything more is extra. And yes, I'm aware that some brides feel entitled to those extras, but they're wrong. 




                       
    Blue_Bird
  • I guess calling them duties might not be the correct term but it can be expected. I know some might consider it rude but to each their own. I'm sorry if you don't agree. http://m.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx
    No... it can't be expected. Your MOH is your friend or family member that you are honoring. You don't honor them by essentially expecting them to be your servant (which is what a lot of things on that list come out to).
    You pick the MOH that you are closest to and who you want to honor as your nearest friend... not the person who will help you with the most chores.
    If any bride expects that stuff, she can hire someone for it.
    Blue_Bird
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think I get what your saying about the duties (like the bachelorette party and wedding shower/ kitchen tea). I agree with what someone said, there's nothing you can say that can't potentially damage your friendship. I think you should just leave things as is and if your matron needs help then perhaps you can help her or tell another bridesmaid. Or you could try again to tell her but this time just say, "Hey I heard the matron needs help with x. Do you think you can do that?" I hope everything works out for you.
    And as everybody has already pointed out, those are not actually duties for any of the wedding party members.
    I guess calling them duties might not be the correct term but it can be expected. I know some might consider it rude but to each their own. I'm sorry if you don't agree. http://m.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx
    No, it can't be expected either.  The ONLY thing members of the wedding party have to do is show up in the correct attire.  The point is to honor your friends, not indenture them.



    Blue_Birdsouthernbelle0915[Deleted User]
  • Everyone gets their own opinion, sure.

    But if you have a bride on each side of this argument, and each has a bridal party...

    Be honest here... if you can only pick one set for each question:

    Which set of bridesmaids are more likely to feel that the parties they do offer and the favors they do do for the bride are actually appreciated?
    Which sets of bridesmaids are more likely to view the entire event as a fun time rather than a job?

    and

    Which set of bridesmaids are more likely to be pressed into spending above their budgets out of "obligation"?
    Which set of bridesmaids will feel compelled to put things in their own lives on the back burner for things in the bride's wedding despite not really feeling like they are as important (group fittings, party planning, favor making, looking at flowers, looking at linens... etc)?


    If you answer these honestly, I don't know how any bride could ever willingly choose to put her supposed nearest and dearest in the less optimal situation.
    SKPM
  • Wow it doesn't really sound like many of you would be very good MOH's if all you think you should do is show up in said dress. Because I love my friends I want to do things like throw a shower & bachelorette party for them. And I did as MOH once. And the money & time didn't mean anything because I wanted her happy. The MOH in question has talked big talk about all these things she's going to do & help with & then always flakes out. If she had been upfront about not wanting to help instead of promising things it wouldn't be as big a problem. She has wine taste on a beer budget & expects the other MOH to foot the bill which is not ok. She wants to take the glory for everything without doing any work which I don't think is ok either. That & her lack of communication with me is why I have a problem. I would never tell her what she's supposed to do but when she tells me she plans to do all these things then goes MIA, I have a problem with that. And what kind of friendship is that? (For those that called into question our friendship if I were to demote her)

    Could any of you live with having one selfless MOH whom the other selfish one walks all over & steals credit from, and just let that go on?
  • edited July 2013
    Wow it doesn't really sound like many of you would be very good MOH's if all you think you should do is show up in said dress. Because I love my friends I want to do things like throw a shower & bachelorette party for them. And I did as MOH once. And the money & time didn't mean anything because I wanted her happy. The MOH in question has talked big talk about all these things she's going to do & help with & then always flakes out. If she had been upfront about not wanting to help instead of promising things it wouldn't be as big a problem. She has wine taste on a beer budget & expects the other MOH to foot the bill which is not ok. She wants to take the glory for everything without doing any work which I don't think is ok either. That & her lack of communication with me is why I have a problem. I would never tell her what she's supposed to do but when she tells me she plans to do all these things then goes MIA, I have a problem with that. And what kind of friendship is that? (For those that called into question our friendship if I were to demote her) Could any of you live with having one selfless MOH whom the other selfish one walks all over & steals credit from, and just let that go on?
    I'm confused. In your original post, you said you were upset about her lack of involvement and that she talked about herself instead of your wedding. You said you talked to her about becoming more involved and nothing has changed. Now you're accusing her of spending others' money, demanding things, and being an AW for all things wedding related. That doesn't make sense to me.

    In general, you can depend on your BMs to buy the right dress, show up on time and show up sober. If someone offers to do something (help with programs, make your favors, etc.), you can accept or decline. If you accept and they don't follow through, you do it yourself. 

    People who flake out will flake out - they won't change for your wedding. People who take credit for others' accomplishments will do it no matter what the situation - they won't change for your wedding. If this is truly happening, oh well. You have two choices: 1) take the high road and ignore it or 2) kick her out of your wedding party. What people here are telling you is that #2 is a friendship ending move, so you just have to be prepared for that.
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  • All of the things I have said are accurate, albeit I may have been sporadic about mentioning them. In what world though, do BMs not throw a shower? Maybe this is a regional thing? Because around here they always do a shower at the very least, usually a bachelorette party as well. My talk was about her getting involved at all in planning because she was mad at the MOH for taking charge & pouting about it. The talk was actually very positive & was more about me facilitating between the two of their points of view to where they understood each other. She was the one that mentioned all the ways she was wanting to help. I feel like a lot of posts have made it out like I made her do things or told her she needed to which wasn't the case.

    I really didn't plan to take her out of the wedding party completely, but to have her just be a BM instead of MOH, as she seems to be fitting the BM title more. I do realize the calamity of changing her position, but honestly with the way she's handled it, I am questioning her true friendship.

    It's hard to convey the entire situation & the context, as I can see I have mistakingly portrayed myself as a total diva, which, in a way I am by hoping she would do more, but I never approached it as putting her there by expecting work, it was from her promises that I expected her to do more.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yes, it often happens that bridesmaids throw showers and whatnot. The point, however, is that it is not a requirement, is not a law of any kind, and should never be expected of them. If it happens, woot!  If not, so sad, too bad. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @ashleycrainpat  I will admit that lack of follow through is one of my pet peeves, so I have some sympathy for your Matron of Honor. IMO, you were put in the middle of a situation that your Matron and Maid of honor should have settled between themselves. The bride should never be involved in planning parties in her own honor. Your Matron of honor, when she realized she wasn't going to get the help she was promised, should have scaled back her plans to accommodate her scaled back budget. Or she should have asked the other BMs if they were willing and able to help out. It shouldn't be expected that everyone contribute equally. The best, most polite course of action is to ask each person, privately, what they would like to contribute. Then the shower should be planned accordingly. Equal billing should be given to all hosts. 

    Another point: friendship isn't qualified by the amount of money a person is willing to spend on you. It's possible that your MOH would love to give you the moon, but it's not in her budget. That doesn't make her a bad friend. It's also possible that she's just a flake. But in the scenario, you probably knew that by her past actions. 

    In my social circle, it's never expected that the bms or MOH pay for the showers. They've already spent enough on a bm dress and shoes.  I'm a recent MOB, so I'm older and have been attending showers and weddings for decades. Lots of them. I only remember one shower that was hosted by the MOH, in all those years. For the others, family members, usually the MOB, MOG, sisters provided the food. The bms acted as hosts at the parties, setting up, cleaning up and serving ( if it was a home party), making the guests comfortable and occasionally chipping in for a sheet cake and the MOH made the ribbon and bow bouquet from the gift wrappings.

    Bachelorette parties weren't the norm, in my day. For my daughter's BP, the MOH organized it and everyone paid their own way. They all either chipped in to cover my daughter's cost or the MOH paid her way, but that was not expected. That's pretty much how other bps, that I know of, have been handled. 

    I know you're frustrated, but you shouldn't be. This isn't a situation for you to resolve. I hope you won't demote your friend. Leave her as your MOH. After the wedding, you can reevaluate whether or not you want to remain friends with someone you can't depend on. 
                       
    ashleycrainpat
  • All of the things I have said are accurate, albeit I may have been sporadic about mentioning them. In what world though, do BMs not throw a shower? Maybe this is a regional thing? Because around here they always do a shower at the very least, usually a bachelorette party as well. My talk was about her getting involved at all in planning because she was mad at the MOH for taking charge & pouting about it. The talk was actually very positive & was more about me facilitating between the two of their points of view to where they understood each other. She was the one that mentioned all the ways she was wanting to help. I feel like a lot of posts have made it out like I made her do things or told her she needed to which wasn't the case. I really didn't plan to take her out of the wedding party completely, but to have her just be a BM instead of MOH, as she seems to be fitting the BM title more. I do realize the calamity of changing her position, but honestly with the way she's handled it, I am questioning her true friendship. It's hard to convey the entire situation & the context, as I can see I have mistakingly portrayed myself as a total diva, which, in a way I am by hoping she would do more, but I never approached it as putting her there by expecting work, it was from her promises that I expected her to do more.
    Ok I can get that. If she said "I will do this" and then didn't, that's annoying. Don't take her up on any more offers. It sounds like your MOH has things under control so between you and her, I'm sure stuff is fine.

    Just ignore her, don't accept her offers to help if she sucks at following through and focus on enjoying this process and your engagement.
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    ashleycrainpat
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I'm curious if facebook is involved in this in any way.

    And if your MOHs are stressed then you are doing something wrong. And if you are stressed then you need to talk to your FI.



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  • there is no difference between a MOH and a bridesmaid (except the title) so changing her title will not do anything.  It is great that the Matron is going "above and beyond" but that is her choice and she should not be doing so without the consent of others saying yes I can help, this is how much I can contribute-- unless she is fine going above and beyond on her own bill.  Your MOH should not be person who will spend the most money on you; its the person who is your closest friend.

    I did not have a MOH because I simply did not want to pick between my 3 best friends-- they were all bridesmaids along with my 2 SILs.  My 3 best friends through my bachelorette party; One of my bridemaids did not do anything except buy the dress and show up and that was perfectly fine by me.
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