Maid of Honor not helpful :(

mfarfan2126 · July 2013

My moh seems to have a lot on her plate and doesn't seem to be able to help at all. She says she wants to and we should set up a day, etc etc etc...She was supposed to come over twice last week and bailed both times..she also came into my work to get waxed and i started talking about wedding stuff and she was non responsive..she is also the only one in the bridal party who hasn't ordered her dress.

I keep reminding her about it too. My other bridesmaids are asking me what's going on with my bridal shower or bachelorette party....I don't really want to plan any of my own parties...planning the wedding is enough haha. Im about to delegate things to all the bridesmaids minus the moh.....any help or advice would be appreciate.

manateehugger · July 2013

mfarfan2126 said:

My moh seems to have a lot on her plate and doesn't seem to be able to help at all. She says she wants to and we should set up a day, etc etc etc...She was supposed to come over twice last week and bailed both times..she also came into my work to get waxed and i started talking about wedding stuff and she was non responsive..she is also the only one in the bridal party who hasn't ordered her dress. I keep reminding her about it too. My other bridesmaids are asking me what's going on with my bridal shower or bachelorette party....I don't really want to plan any of my own parties...planning the wedding is enough haha. Im about to delegate things to all the bridesmaids minus the moh.....any help or advice would be appreciate.

Sigh. I will warn you now - you will not like the responses you're about to get.

Your MOH has no duties other than to get her dress (since she hasn't, give her a deadline, then leave her alone about it - if she doesn't get it, she's taken herself out of the wedding), show up on time, smile nicely for pictures, and be pleasant. She is not required to do anything else. You should not ask someone to be a MOH because you think they will do things for you. You should ask her because you wanted to honor her with a special position at your wedding.

Don't plan your own shower or bachelorette. If the bridesmaids ask you again, simply say that no one has offered to host yet (hint - it's not their job to plan it either). If they'd like to host, they can take that as a hint to do it themselves. Do not delegate anything! They are not your wedding workers. You aren't paying them.

You don't have a MOH problem, you have a friend problem. Reconnect with her, take her out to dinner, and DO NOT mention your wedding unless she asks. She's probably heard too much about it recently.

mlg78 · July 2013

It must really suck that your closest friend doesn't share the same excitement about your wedding...but put yourself in her shoes. You'd get sick of hearing about all this wedding crap too! The only thing she needs to do is buy a dress and show up wearing it on your wedding day. Give her a final date of when the dress needs to be ordered by and be done with it. If she doesn't buy a dress then she's removed herself from the wedding.

mfarfan2126 · July 2013

I appreciate the honesty..im only going by the lists i've seen on various websites. Sigh...just feeling overwhelmed. :-\

mlg78 · July 2013

Most wedding websites suck. Stop looking at those and only listen to TK...your life will be SO much easier. All that crap about your girls need to help with creating decorations, that you should get everyone monogrammed matching crap for bridesmaids gifts, that you should have matchy matchy jewelry and shoes...all of that -- OUT THE WINDOW!

Stick around here, kiddo...you'll learn

manateehugger · July 2013

Talk to your fiancé about needing help, especially if it is just phone calls. Mine couldn't care less about flowers and dresses, but he has been good about calling up the church to ask a question or making a deposit with a vendor.

He should be the one helping you plan. Don't look toward your friends - it's not their wedding.

Or just take a planning break. Don't look at anything wedding related for the week. Take a wedding-free girls night. It will do you and your friends some good.

manateehugger · July 2013

Oh and The Knot is a great place to ask opinions on ideas or vent about mishaps. You'll get solid advice and you won't annoy your friends. It's a win win.

artbyallie · July 2013

mfarfan2126 said:

I appreciate the honesty..im only going by the lists i've seen on various websites. Sigh...just feeling overwhelmed. :-\

The wedding industry wants you and your friends to spend money. They don't care if you remain friends past the wedding. Bachelorettes and showers are gifts, and you are not in any way entitled to them.

QueerFemme · July 2013

mfarfan2126 said:

I appreciate the honesty..im only going by the lists i've seen on various websites. Sigh...just feeling overwhelmed. :-\

the lists on websites want you to get crazy bridezilla-ish and make your friends crazy with asking them to do stuff or giving them "duties". Please don't do that. If you need help with things, talk to your future husband, or considering hiring a wedding coordinat or "day of coordinator".

phira · July 2013

Agreeing with previous posters, but I wanted to add a couple more things:

1) From what I understand from your post, you were talking to her about the wedding when she came by to get waxed. As much as she's your friend, when I go to get waxed or get my hair cut or get my nails done, that's not a time when I expect to be harassed by my friend about wedding planning.

2) Your other bridesmaids should stop waiting for your maid of honor and can just start planning your shower and bachelorette party themselves. You shouldn't be planning those parties at all--they're hosted by someone else FOR you. But your maid of honor isn't required to be in charge or even participate.

aurianna · July 2013

Just want to make sure... the dress. You asked her budget before picking it out, correct?
If not, there could be a chance it's really too expensive which could be another reason she's withdrawing from talking about the wedding; she doesn't know how you tell you.

(not accusing you. you just weren't explicit so I'm throwing it out there)

lisabeats · July 2013

Also just to add, all wedding websites (and magazines, books, fb posts, etc). are out to get you to drop a buck on them. They care about nothing else. TK is guilty of this as well. They have plenty of lists about "BM duties" and such which is all BS. So please be clear that when others suggested TK, they meant these message boards. No one here has a vested interested in your wedding or expenses. We will be honest, and blunt, about ideas and plans, but our motivation is to ensure you're a gracious and lovely bride, not make you spend $75 on a custom hanger that your BFF will never use again. Best of luck with your planning!

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

Yep, all those lists are intended to part you, your friends, and your family with as much money as humanly possible. If they can whip you into a tizzy that results in spending, then they profit.

Think outside of the lists. It doesn't have to be your MOH that gifts you with the parties. My bachelorette party was thrown by a woman who wasn't evwn in my party.

Once you stop pressuring your MOH, she'll probably relax and stop avoiding you. Remember, before corporations got ahold of the bridal party, they used to be positions of honor. The bride is honoring the party, not the other way around.

mfarfan2126 · July 2013

Wow I really appreciate everyone's responses. I like it here

. Great place to vent! Thanks loves!!!!

slgirl21 · July 2013

Sorry that your friend is acting this way and not feeling your excitement, maybe something is up in her life. I know your excited about this special day which you should be and sometimes us brides tend to talk about wedding stuff a lot, I try to stop myself when I feel I go on and on, lately I haven't put wedding in the back seat for sometime now. Just talk to her about how your feeling. GL

Maid of Honor not helpful :(

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