Had a fight with Mom, and I'm confused =/

Re: Had a fight with Mom, and I'm confused =/

• wittykitty14 member

  

  June 2013

  I really don't have much advice on this one.  But I could have sworn that I was a reading a conversation between my mother and I!  Mine is the SAME WAY.  I really feel for you.  One of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" relationships, you know?

  
  

  If your mom is insistent, just let her do the hair.  If she's anything like my mom, she actually doesn't care about the hair.  It's a control thing, and she's likely to let it go.  Normally I hate giving into people like this, but it's just hair and isn't that big of a deal who does it.

  
  

  Sorry that I can't give better advice.  I don't think you've done anything wrong!  I think you're handling it very well!  Keep your chin up!  It'll be ok!  

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• shaygray88 member

  

  June 2013

  I second previous poster. All I can say is you are not in the wrong. Your mom may just be stressed with everything going on. Also with her controlling nature she probably feels she should be involved in every detail. At this point just try to keep a smile on your face as this is a day about you and your soon to be husband. Good luck!

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• 1FairMaiden member

  

  June 2013

  Oh, I'll definitely let her do anyone's hair who will let her do it (because it's really not so much up to me as it is up to my bridesmaids, when you get right down to it... it's their head, after all!) but honestly, she's just always told me "I can't do hair dos." so much so to the point that when i was about 6 years old, she actually had all of my hair cut off so I looked like a boy because it was too much of a hassle for her to even brush it! (not that I'm traumatized or anything :-P)

  
  

  The thing is, really, you're right, she feels left out and hates that she's not in control. She feels left out is because she is left out. At the very least, she annoys me, and at the most, I feel as though the trust I give her when I confide in her is betrayed when she acts like this and manipulates me with guilt trips about how I'm not letting her control everything. Maybe that's a bit melodramatic of a reaction on my part, but that's really how it feels. I try to keep contact with her to a minimum under normal circumstances, let alone when I'm going through stressful times. She's not someone who I turn to in times of trouble. Actually, she's normally the one who causes the times of trouble. Sometimes, she earns my trust back, we get slightly closer (which just happened yesterday, actually.) and then she goes crazy on me again, tosses me another guilt trip, and loses my trust. I don't want to deal with her guilt-trips, so i avoid her, until finally, I feel guilty for avoiding her... 

  
  

  It is a stupid vicious cycle, and I don't know what to do about it. On the one hand, we're both adults, on the other hand, she's my mother and I'm her kid. Who's supposed to take responsibility for what here? She needs to stop manipulating me with guilt, but she's so self-centered I don't think she even realizes she's doing it, because I've never had the guts to tell her what she's doing. I need to stop letting her do it, but frankly, it has been like this for.... {counting back in my head....} about 15-18 years, and I don't know how to break this cycle, and it seems like fixing a near-lifetime of ridiculous family dysfunction is frankly more work than I'm willing to invest in a woman who has proven time and time again that she really thinks she can do no wrong. 

  
  

  ::sigh:: Sorry. I'm just really upset. And FI is gone for the weekend on his bachelor party so I'm at home alone, and all my girls are busy tonight. So you guys get to read/listen to my histrionic woes. This is one of those times I remind myself of my blessings - I know I have so much to be thankful for, and shouldn't be whining like an infant. But at the same time, decisions have to be made about my future relationship with my family, and I'm honestly just now realizing it. I'm about to start a new family with FI, and I have to decide what I want that new family to have to do with my old family. 

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• pam8787

  

  June 2013

  I predicted the entire conversation from the beginning and even yelled out loud because I felt like I was talking to my own mother. Lol. Controlling. Very controlling. I have learned though that if I give her jobs she doesn't like that because she hasn't chosen them herself, if you understand what I mean. So just let this convo roll off your back. That's what I do. Damned if you do, so just don't and be damned anyways.
  Lol

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• questbaby member

  

  July 2013

  I kinda get where your mom is coming from. She wants to feel important and needed on your big day. I felt this way at my bestfriend's wedding. She doesn't want to just watch the moment she wants to be a part of it, and she wants you to want her to be a part of it too. I would ask her to her to help with putting on your dress and any little things that might need to be done the night before. I would even write her a letter and give it to her the day of. Just help her feel apart of the wedding without causing to much stress to yourself. It's the little things that will mean so much to her. I'm sorry that she is stressing you out, but I pray that your day is wonderful. 

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• questbaby member

  

  July 2013

  Oh and also I would call her and ask her for something old if you doing that. I think that would make her feel good. 

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• 1FairMaiden member

  

  July 2013

  Praying, I get what you're saying, and you're right. But see, she's IMPOSING this on me. it doesn't count as a loving act between mother and daughter if it's done out of obligation or if it's forced. And she makes me uncomfortable because of how controlling she is. It's funny you mentioned that I should ask her to help me with my dress, because she actually said "i want you to tell me when the final dress fitting is so i can be there and make sure I know how to help you into your dress." Umm... no. I should ASK someone to do something like that, and I don't WANT her to do it. It's just like when my completely absent father, who I grew up wit 3,000 miles away, asked me if he was going to be walking me down the aisle. Ummm, no! If you want to walk your daughter down the aisle, you don't abandon her, and then show up for the fun parts. Not cool. 

  
  

  I worry about making this woman happy all the time every day. I guess I've set a president that would tell her that it's ok for me to let the world revolve around what she wants, but seriously, it's my wedding day. I would like it, just at least for that morning, (not even for the whole day, but just for those 5 hours before the ceremony) to be about what I want for myself, not what I want so that she will stay complacent.

  
  

  She's an adult. Her feelings are her responsibility. Whatever feelings she has about her guilt for being a lousy mother are not my job to compensate for on that day. I've done that for her my whole life. She needs to start making her job not to impose guilt trips on me just because SHE made the mistakes.

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